Finding the Words

Author's notes: I noticed that the shirt of Rose's that Donna grabbed off the railing during "The Run Away Bride" was not there in "Doomsday." This is my explanation as to how it got there.

The asteroid bazaar had been a big hit.

“Rose is always happy when she is shopping,” he thought and chuckled to himself.

For all his complaining he really didn’t mind shopping with Rose. He loved seeing her in all the different clothes she tried on and how her eyes lit up when ever she saw some pretty trinket. Holding her hand in his and strolling through the crowds was pure contentment.

Don't misunderstand; he liked running for their lives with Rose too, but these quiet moments where to be treasured.

Dinner had gone well too. He had found a lovely café on the river that served sazzanberry juice. The sweet drink was one of his favourites and Rose loved its bright pink colour as he knew she would. Why do insects fly around in his stomach whenever Rose Tyler was happy? She was in such a good mood she didn’t even get upset when he accidentally spilt some of the drink on her. He had been informing her of the history and growing cycle of the berries. While gesturing he had knocked his glass over. He hid how much he enjoyed watching her try to wipe it off the front of her shirt.

Oh Rassilon, that shirt. She was wearing the same blue and purple shirt she had worn to New New York. He knew it was Cassandra doing the kissing then, but it had still been Rose’s body. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. How soft Rose’s lips were. How her fingers felt running though his hair. The way her breasts felt pushing into his chest. Oh, her breasts. She was wiping them off with a towel. He envied that towel. This was getting ridiculous. He was going to have to make a decision and soon.

He couldn’t shake that uneasy feeling. Something was coming; something bad. He didn’t know what it was, but he knew it had to do with Rose. Time was running out and he didn’t know what to do about it. He didn’t want to take his eyes off of her and had found it hard to let go of her hand. It felt like if he let go, she’d be gone. He would hold on as long as he could, but he would keep her safe no matter what. If he had to die to save her, so be it. He had done it before; he’d do it again without hesitation. That's when he realised he had already made his decision.

He never would have even considered the possibility of a physical relationship with a companion before Rose, especially a human one. His people would have disapproved of it in the same way humans would disapprove if Dian Fossey were sleeping with her gorillas. But his people no longer existed. Not that he ever cared what they thought anyway. He loved Rose. It was a simple statement of fact. It took losing the Tardis and facing Satan, but he was ready to admit, at least to himself, that he was in love with her.

She caught him watching her again.

“What?” she asked.

“Nothing, you’re just so beautiful.” She blushed pinker than her drink which made her even more beautiful.

“Come on. It’s time to go home.” Taking her hand, he led her back to the Tardis.

*****

Once inside the Tardis, Rose sat down on the jump seat and waited for the Doctor to take them into the Time Vortex. She look a little worried about something and it made him wonder if it was something he had done. He had been staring at her more than usual.

“Rose,” he said softly, “would you mind if we just hung out in the Vortex for the night? We can decide where to go next in the morning.”

“That’s fine.” she said nodding. “Doctor, is something wrong?” she asked. “You seem… distracted.”

“Yes, well... there was a decision I had to make, but now that I’ve made it…” He paused rubbing the back of his neck and looking at the floor. “I’m not sure how to go about it.”

“Come here,” Rose said gesturing for him to join her. She looked a little surprised when instead of setting beside her he squatted down in front of her and took both her hands in his.

“I’ve always thought it was best not to get too attached to my companions. Human's lives are so short. I thought the more attached I got the more it would hurt when the inevitable day came when they were gone.”

The worried look in Rose's eye made him pause. He took a deep breath before continuing.

“Ever since the black hole I’ve been thinking about us.” He paused again and looked into her eyes. “I’ve conclude that it’s too late. I’m already too attached to you.”

"Please don’t send me home," Rose said barely above a whisper. She was looking at the floor and he could feel her hands tighten their grip on his.

"No, no it's nothing like that," he said reassuringly. He cupped her cheek in one hand and brought her head up to look at him.

“If I lost you tomorrow, denying myself today won’t make it hurt less," he paused taking another deep breath, "but regret over things not done I think would make it hurt even more.”

“I’m not sure I understand,” Rose said.

He shook his head and stood up. He paced back and forth, running his hands though his hair till it stood straight up.

“I know five billion languages and I can’t find the right words!” he shouted to the air and rubbed the back of his neck.

Suddenly, his eyes lit up with an idea. He stopped and knelt down in front of her.

“Actions,” he said, grabbing her head with both his hands and kissed her hard. This was no chaste kiss. He tried to pour all his passion, fire and yes, his love into it. When he let her up for air she seemed shaken.

“Well?” he asked expectantly.

“Are you saying that you want me?” she said, her eye wide.

“Rassilon, Rose. I’ve wanted you since you saved me with your Tarzan imitation.” His eyes darkened with desire. “Question is, do you want me?”

“Hell, yea!” she yelled and kissed him.

After a few moments he untangled her arms from around his neck, held her at arms length and looked her in the eyes.

“Be very sure, Rose. I’m not looking for a one off.” He bit his lower lip nervously. “I want all of you, heart and mind not just body.”

She stared at him for a long moment as if taking in his meaning.

“Actions,” she said, using his word as she grabbed the hem of her shirt, pulled it over her head and threw it away. He was momentarily distracted by the way her breasts moved up and down with her rapid breathing. They were encased in the most beautiful pink lace bra he’d ever seen. Not that he’d had much experience with many pink lace bras mind you, but still.

Rose launched herself at the Doctor, knocking him back onto his bum and locking lips with him. His tongue explored her mouth trying to memorise it. He really did love this new tongue of his. She tasted sweet and salty and warm. She tasted like home.

She pulled his coat off and started to unbutton his jacket. At that point, the Doctor grabbed her under her knees and stood up with her in his arms.

“Right,” he said. “Bedroom!” and started walking out of the console room with her.

“About time,” Rose said looking at him with a smile.

“Oi, give me a break. It’s been centuries since I’ve done this.”

*****

The rest of the night went better than his wildest dreams -- and he had had some wild ones. Lying there watching her sleep in his arms he had realised that for the first time since he could remember he felt complete peace, joy and contentment.

In the morning, they had decided to go visit Jackie. Rose said she had laundry to do and she wanted to give her mom the trinket she got for her at the asteroid bazaar. Though he suspected she really just wanted to tell her mom about them. He was a bit nervous, but he didn’t really mind. Rose was worth a slap if it came to that. Besides, maybe hanging around London he could postpone the Storm for a little while longer.

*****

She was gone.

He pressed his cheek and palm against the wall, as if he could feel her on the other side. But he couldn’t feel anything.

He was just numb.

He should feel sorrow. He should be crying.

He was just numb.

He should feel anger. He should be screaming.

He was just numb.

He should feel pain. His hearts should be breaking.

He was just numb.

He let his hand slide down off the wall and pulled his cheek away. He turned his back to the wall that had taken away his life and putting his hands in his pockets, he slowly walked out of the room.

He pushed the button for the lift without thought, not seeing his reflection in the doors. Once inside he pushed the button for the floor he knew the Tardis was on.

There were dead bodies all around him as he walked out of the lift, but he didn’t see them.

He just kept walking.

There were screams of pain and sorrow coming from the survivors all around him, but he didn’t hear them.

He just kept walking.

He unlocked the Tardis’ door and pushed it open without thought. Operating on instinct he sent her into the Vortex. The Tardis made a mournful hum, but he took no notice. He sat down on the jump seat. Leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, he folded his hands loosely in front of him and stared into nothing. No thoughts, no feelings, just nothing.

He didn’t know how long he sat there. Minutes, hours, days? It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

Out of the corner of his eye there was a glimpse of purple. He ignored it, but it wouldn’t go away. It gnawed at him. With great effort he turned his head to look at it.

Lying against one of the metal struts connecting the floor grating to the console was Rose’s blue and purple shirt. That was where she had thrown it last night.

Was that really last night? It seemed eons ago.

His hands trembled as he reached down and picked it up. Slowly the memories seeped into his mind and he began to shake. He lifted Rose's shirt to his nose and inhaled deeply. The scent of her jasmine and vanilla shampoo mixed with the sazzanberry drink he had spilt on her. His eyes grew blurry with tears as he inhaled again. The unmistakable scent of her arousal filled his nose and the dam broke.

Falling to his knees he began to sob. Streams of tears ran down his face soaking her shirt. His whole body shook uncontrollably and his head was pounding.

Seething anger rose up from his core. He clutched her shirt in one hand and pounded the metal grating with the other.

“NO, no, no, no, no!!” He screamed to the universe with each slamming of his fist.

His hand began to bleed, but he didn’t care. It didn’t hurt half as much as his chest, because his hearts were breaking. He could barely breathe through the pain. He soon was exhausted in mind and body. He lay on his side on the cold metal grating and curled himself into a ball clutching Rose’s shirt tightly to his chest. There he stayed rocking back and forth as he sobbed himself into a fitful slumber.

He awoke determined. There had to be some cracks left somewhere in the universe. He would find one and get her back. Or if that wasn’t possible he would at least find a way to tell her how much she meant to him. To say the words he should have said last night.

Standing on aching muscles, he moved to the railing. Folding Rose’s shirt carefully he laid it over the railing and smoothed it out. It would be a reminder to him of his mission. He turned back to the console to start his power consumption calculations. He was definitely going to need a lot of power to pull this off.

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