House the Pimp

House The Pimp

House limped gracefully into the Hospital at about lunchtime. He wore a blue velvet suit with a big feathery hat, a purple fur coat, shiny black platform shoes and matching shades. His golden pimp-cane was decorated with a huge shiny diamond. He stopped at the entrance and struck a pose as if expecting some kind of fan club to greet him. He sighed, ‘it’s hard out here for a pimp in a hospital’, he thought.

Just then Cuddy stuck her head around the corner. “House! You’re late for work again! This has gotta stop. There are patients waiting for you.”

House removed his pimp-glasses. “Shut up, bitch!” Cuddy looked surprised. “DAMN! Do you talk to all your men like that? And call me Doctor, you know I like that.” She rolled her eyes at this and strutted off in her stilettos. He sighed; she still had the best booty in the hospital, save maybe Wilson.

House limped along the hallway to his office. When he entered, he removed his hat and was just about to switch on the TV when he realised his ducklings were in the room. He nearly jumped out of his chair, but his leg was too crap. “What the hell?!? What are you doing here; don’t you have some work to do?”

Chase, Foreman and Cameron looked at each other. They were all wearing less than what was appropriate for a hospital. Chase stood up from where he was sitting at the end of the table. He was wearing very tight black leather short-shorts with a zip down the front that seemed unnecessary for the amount of clothing it would undo. “Doctor House, there is no work.” his spiky collar reflecting the light.

“No Work? So that guy in exam room 3 is just in for heartburn then?”

Chase sat down in a huff. Foreman, who was dressed as a cowboy with the butt cut out of his pants, uncrossed his arms. “You may be right, House. Tell us, how exactly are we supposed to know if the people are here for real medical treatment or for us?”

Uninterested by their quarrelling, House had began reading the newspaper on his desk. “Well, you could try asking. Wave your fine assets in their faces, even if they are really sick, I’m sure they’ll pay for the other.”

Cameron had only recently joined the team, originally thinking that ‘Differential Examination’ was a real medical department. “I’m still not sure if this is morally right.” House came over to her and put his hand on her shoulder. “It’s okay, I don’t care” he said and she frowned up at him. “You’re making people happy, isn’t that what you want?” She nodded at this. “Good, now all you ho’s get out there and make me some money.” And with that they all left the room, Cameron’s strappy heels and synthetic mini squeaking as she went.

Alone again, House went back over to the television set and just had his finger on the button when “House!” the voice interrupted him. He turned around “Oh jesus christ. Can’t I get any work done?”

Cuddy entered the room, hands on hips. “Work? You haven’t done any work all day!” “Stop riding me” but she continued “You’re just lucky you’re the best pimp in town, or I’d fire you fo’ sho’.” And with that House got fed up and left his office.

He hid in the closest exam room and peered through the keyhole. There was a cough behind him - it was a patient. “I’ve been waiting nearly an hour. Are you always this late, or did you make an effort today?” said the deep voice behind him.

House took a deep breath and managed to keep from being nasty. “Good morning Mr. ??” “Snape, Severus Snape.” The dark-cloaked figure rose from the hospital bed. “And it’s afternoon.”

“So it is” said House “But it’ll be worth the wait, believe me, my bitches are top quality.”

“Indeed? So what have you got for me?” asked Snape cynically.

House pulled a booklet out of his pimp-jacket and removed a photo from it. He showed it to Snape. “This is Jenny the canteen lady, she’s very good with her hands.” Snape took the photo and murmured approvingly.

“Nice,” he said returning it to House, “However, I will be requiring someone a little less… female – and possibly submissive.”

“I know just what you need.” House rummaged through the pages of his book, pulled out another photo and handed it to Snape. “Just what I’m looking for. I do like ‘em young. How much?” “For him? Depends what you want. $40 for a hand job is the starting price.” House pulled out his pager and paged Chase.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes. “So… what do you do Mr Snape?” “I’m a school teacher.” “Oh, that’s nice…”

Finally the door opened and Chase came in. Snape, who hadn’t smiled since he came in, was suddenly drooling uncontrollably at Chase, who came up to him and handed him a leash. “Hey, baby, what would you like to do to me?” And House left the room.

He spotted a man sitting in the waiting room, fidgeting. House came up to him. “Hey, what’s happenin’? You look like you could use some company.”
“Actually Doctor, I have a headache.” House considered a moment. “I know just what you need.” And he whistled through his fingers.

Cameron came around the corner wearing a skimpy nurse’s costume. She came up and sat on his lap. “Where does it hurt, honey? I’ll make you all better.” And she squeezed his cock to emphasise this.

Satisfied with his work, Doctor House stood and smiled happily in no particular direction. After a second he realised that that direction was taken up by Cuddy, standing a few meters away, looking disgruntled to say the least. “AAh!!” House jumped out of it.

She came up to him “Is this what you think I employ you for? So you can stand around daydreaming? Get your ass out there and get us some business!” and gave him a shove.

“I’ve been doing that, look,” and he gestured towards Cameron who was checking the man’s heartbeat while he felt her boobs. But Cuddy had already left.


TBC - there will be plot, I swear.