The God Within

Website: http://www.livejournal.com/users/wildannuette/
Notes: Unbetaed at present so apologies for mistakes

As the light from Ares departure faded Joxer licked his lips not quite believing what had just happened- that the War God had kissed him; noticing Asyinnitos still fuming by his side Joxer briefly entertained the idea that the God’s were all at least slightly warped if not completely insane. Not only were Asyinnitos and Cupid apparently looking after him and causing chaos but Ares also seemed interested in seeing him too; briefly thinking back on the War god’s last words Joxer blushed as he realised he’d never been as willing to be bothered by the God’s as he was at the moment. Even if he was becoming increasingly aware that all of the God’s were hiding something from him, something obviously important and worrying.

The blush on his cheeks faded as he looked up at the young Goddess next to him who looked down at him, her scowl changing into a smile as she observed his fluster. “Relax Joxer,” Asyinnitos advised him sensing embarrassment and worry rising inside the mortal; what she was about to tell him would be difficult to grasp as it was but she didn’t want the news to overshadow or add to any other worries the man had. It wasn’t healthy for either Joxer or the baby for the mortal to worry about Ares or anyone and anything else. She sighed, mortals had so many more worries then God’s which, though sometimes useful wasn’t now. She needed Joxer focussed so she could make him understand what she was about to tell him, it would be hard enough for his mind to comprehend when it was focussed but if he was distracted and trying to figure things out himself it would be a lot more difficult. She sat down behind him and stroked his back briefly to calm him; she’d always found in babies that stroking was calming, especially on the back, and that it lasted well into adulthood.

Joxer usually disliked his back being stroked unless it was by a bed partner but the Goddess’s touch was light almost soothing and the man relaxed into it his worries diminishing slightly. Although he couldn’t be certain Joxer was almost completely sure that Asyinnitos was going to tell him the truth, however weird and fantastic that truth would be. He shivered slightly feeling something move over him and pale mist spread throughout the room; as the mist disappeared Joxer could see the edges of the walls and door glowing slightly.

“It’s a silencer,” Joxer turned to look at the Goddess who averted her eyes flushing slightly before she continued, “It stops other Gods and Goddesses listening in not to mention any mortals who may be awake.”

Joxer’s brow furrowed slightly, he didn’t see the need for all the secrecy; even though he knew something was going on he had his doubts that it would really that important after all he was involved, surely if it was that big a deal Hercules of Xena would have been-not him. As if she read his mind (which she hadn’t, just his expression) Asyinnitos continued softly,

“You are important to us Joxer and this is a big deal.”

Now that Joxer did have trouble believing. What importance could he be when he had revoked all the God’s including his own? He opened his mouth to interrupt and closed it as she gently laid a finger on his lips.

“You are important Joxer, very important.” Asyinnitos took a deep breath as hundred of ideas whirled around her mind, she wasn’t entirely sure the best way to tell Joxer he was carrying a Godly child. Not only would she have to explain how but who and why; she was sure just announcing ‘your pregnant’ would either floor him or send him into hysterical laughter. She settled for her only option, to play it by ear and explain bit by bit. “Do you remember…no that’s silly of course you do,” she corrected herself her eyes fixing on Joxer’s, “Six weeks ago Strife the God of Mischief was murdered, his body abandoned to its own fate.”

Joxer’s mouth dropped open in shock, he felt like she had just punched him in the throat of everything he had expected she would say that hadn’t been one of them; blinking back angry tears at the thoughts and memories her words invoked he managed to hold himself together long enough to curtly nod in answer.

Asyinnitos continued as Joxer turned around completely to face her, “You found him just before he died, just before he gave up.” She felt a lump in her own throat and had to cough to clear it as, once again, her own guilt surfaced reminding her that Strife had been alone and terrified. “I don’t know what you said to him, Gaia refuses to tell us, whatever you did say he heard. I don’t know how he came up with the idea but I know Gaia gave him the energy to carry it out, to survive.”

Joxer eyes narrowed in anger at her words, words that seemed ridiculous given the circumstances, “I think you might have missed something Asyinnitos, Strife didn’t survive. Yes, I was with him when he died. No, no other God or Goddess including yourself bothered to help him.” He paused his brow furrowed in confusion, “And Gaia wasn’t even there! I know she’s all powerful but she didn’t help Strife, no one helped Strife! He died in my arms and not one of you bothered to look back and even take his body.”

Trying not to wince at the pain Joxer’s words caused, Asyinnitos kept her eyes firmly on Joxer’s face, “No his body died; it couldn’t cope with the poison, but Strife’s soul survived.” She looked so earnest that Joxer, who had been about to interrupt, kept quiet his attention held solely on her as she tried to explain. “It’s never been heard of before, not with a mortal anyway, God’s have to use a lot of energy up and it doesn’t always work often Hera and I have to help the Godling along. The Hinds blood damaged Strife so much that he used the little power he had left to transfer to the nearest available person- you.”

“What’s never…” Joxer broke off his sentence rapidly and started checking himself over, even inclining his head to peer at his back as he tried to work out how Strife had apparently transferred to him. Whilst he couldn’t believe what she said, he did have a suspicion that the strange dreams he was having could have been from Strife, if the God had transferred to him that was. He kept looking, growing more confused each minute, he only stopped searching when a soft laugh reached his ears to which he looked at the Goddess in indignation.

Asyinnitos blushed deeply smiling at Joxer, it wasn’t an unkind smile and it was obvious she wasn’t laughing at him, “He’s nowhere you can see Joxer and he isn’t exactly himself anymore; remember what I am Goddess of?” she asked and placed a hand on his stomach. “Strife was to weak too become an adult again, he had to rest and allow himself time to gather his power once more and be reborn. He transferred to you because you were his friend, you must have been willing to do anything for him,” she murmured, her eyes drifted to Joxer’s belly and then back up again, “You saved him Joxer. You let him start again, within you, as an infant once more.” At Joxer’s blank look she added, “You’re pregnant Joxer, Strife is the infant inside you.” She smiled slightly glad to have delivered the good news though it waned slightly as Joxer’s blank look remained.

“You’re joking,” Joxer’s voice was flat; his mind unable to understand the news she’d delivered, “Men don’t have babies, especially not God babies.” He spoke the words aloud to reassure himself and push back the shrill voice that screamed in his head that things were making sense; the way Joxer had been feeling of late, the interest the God’s had shown, even Cupid’s behaviour. He rested his elbows on his lap and covered his face trying to ignore the tiny voice that shed all the self-doubt onto his simple sentence, ‘men don’t have babies’. After a few minutes he ran his hands down his face and looked up seeing the anxious expression on Asyinnitos face, “This is insane,” he spoke quietly at first and then laughed as hysteria started to take over, “Completely insane, you know that? This is a trick right? A punishment for cremating Strife and turning my back on all of you.” He laughed again unable to shake the panic that threatened to overwhelm him, “There is no way I’m pregnant!” he shouted clenching his fists as the Goddess jumped in shock.

Joxer would have kept denying it to himself if he hadn’t been looking at Asyinnitos; her face was stricken, almost on the verge of tears, and regardless of his anger Joxer felt an overwhelming guilt at upsetting the young Goddess. Reaching out to take her hand, he ignored her flinch and gently massaged her palm as he tried to put everything she’d said into context. He could see the truth in her face and so he tried to think back, reflecting on her words. “The rumble, when the ground shook, that was Gaia wasn’t it?” he spoke gently and felt a little better when, hesitantly, she nodded. Spurred on he continued as more things came to mind, “These dreams I’ve been having, the one’s where I seem to be Strife? They’re his aren’t they?”

Asyinnitos nodded, she wasn’t used to people shouting in the way he had, she generally avoided Olympus because of it. She definitely hadn’t expected him to react the way he had, *but then who am I to judge? * She thought. She had never had children only cared for other peoples and had never been pregnant herself, she should have expected this and not been so sensitive at his mood. Looking into his face she nodded more strongly this time and answered his questions, “Yes the ground shaking that was Gaia, she was and still is, most unhappy with us all. With the exception of my mother and myself she will not see the other Gods, she’s too angry with them. I think she’s also using a lot of energy on you Joxer, to help your body through this.” She smiled slightly, “I’m only the Goddess of pregnancy and the Unborn, I keep Strife healthy inside you and moderate his powers the best I can but I haven’t been able to help you through this as much as I would have liked.” She took a deep breath wondering how best to explain the dreams, “They are Strife’s memories.” She answered looking slightly unhappy at the thought as she continued, “I know they aren’t pleasant but baby Strife can’t remember them only you can. As he grows his adult memories will replay in reverse in your subconscious, when he reaches his first memory they will all be stored in his mind until he is old enough to understand them himself.”

Although he had expected it, Joxer was horrified that what he had witnessed in his dreams were true memories of Strife’s; he could only console himself that he wouldn’t allow anything like that would to happen to Strife again and that the dreams brought him closer to his friend.

*My baby?* He wondered placing a hand on his stomach in wonder. He looked at Asyinnitos, “Strife will be my son? Won’t he be Strife anymore?” the idea that he would wholly get his friend back made him immensely happy and worried at the same time; Joxer wasn’t sure Strife wouldn’t grow up in an instant and have to go back to his unfriendly existence, “Is he mine? My baby, my son?” He hadn’t been sure he’d wanted to know but as he’d said the words ‘my son’ a sense of pride had come over him, one that was unrivalled by anything else.

Smiling in delight Asyinnitos softly pressed her own hand back onto Joxer’s stomach, “Yes and no Joxer. He is still and always be the soul that he was but this time he has the chance to be so much more.” Her smile grew wistful as she stroked Joxer’s fingers, “He will be your son; though his appearance will remain the same he will have no memory of what happened before until he is grown up, and believe me he will grow up slowly Joxer. No one will be able to force maturity on him.” Sensing Strife move within Joxer and kick for the first time her eyes lit up happily, she could feel it even if Strife wasn’t strong enough for Joxer to feel yet. “Will you rectify the mistake’s we’ve made? Help us sort them?”

Joxer rubbed his belly thoughtfully; it didn’t take much thinking to answer the question it was an automatic yes, he missed his friend deeply and he felt more then honoured that Strife had considered him enough of a friend and trusted him enough to put his new fragile body in him. Even if he was terrified at the idea of being pregnant. The other thing that worried him was keeping Strife’s imminent return from the other God’s, it didn’t affect his decision just troubled him, “Of course,”

Asyinnitos could barely keep herself from squealing in delight; somehow she managed to nod happily at the man before shocking him and throwing her arms about his neck in a hug, “This is going to be so good; I can help you on the pregnancy things and get Cupid’s help in protecting you from the other’s. Gaia and my mother are going to want to see you and we’ll have to settle about organising Strife’s powers and…”

Slightly surprised by the Goddess, Joxer patted her back gently and smiled at her as she pulled back, a hot blush staining her cheeks. “Strife’s powers?” he asked unable to hold back a grin as she beamed happily at him,

“Strife’s powers; you might have noticed he isn’t against using them on any of us. I believe you had a few problems with words earlier? As did I, though I think it was your friends that bore the brunt of them.” Asyinnitos stifled a smile at the memory, “When a Godling is still unborn, the parent who carry’s him or her to term regulates their powers and stops them from making too much mischief.” She couldn’t quite hide her smile at the words, “Strife having mischief as part of his Godhood, keeps playing with his powers but because you are mortal you can’t stop him the way a God could. Discord prevented him from ever accessing all his power and almost cut him off from part of it but now what she stole has been returned to him. I can control his powers up to a point, but mischief being what it is, is very hard to tone down.”

Joxer had to laugh, it sounded pure Strife; now he thought of it, all of it was pure Strife, from Gabrielle’s foot-rot and Xena’s lice to Hercules’ drunkenness. He jumped slightly as a large marble bowl of water appeared in between, “water? I’m not nauseous at the moment.”

Angling the bowl for that it rested comfortably in between them, Asyinnitos shook her head and looked into Joxer’s eyes, “It’s a seeing pool, only small but it should do the trick,” Joxer’s vest disappeared in a flash and he jumped as cool air caused his sore nipples to harden; before he could protest her hand was on his stomach and, for once, appearing older then he was she spoke, “I have seen It all before you know, I am Goddess of Pregnancy.” She peered at his nipples and Joxer had to resist the urge to cover them with his hand, “Breast swelling is common, we will just have to be careful that you don’t get mastitis. If you alternate between hot and cold compresses and gently massage, it should help with the pain and prevent infection.”

“I don’t have breasts,” Joxer blushed an the amused look she gave him, conceding that in some form he did have them and since her area was pregnancy and all it’s side effects he would agree with her.

Asyinnitos closed her eyes concentrating on Strife; one hand on Joxer’s stomach she projected the image of the foetus on to the water in the bowl.

As a warm feeling settled over his belly Joxer gazed into the marble bowl; he almost didn’t believe his eyes as the water rippled and became a deep pink colour before a peachy blob formed in the centre. Joxer inclined his head this way and that as the blob spread forming a vague baby shape that glowed ever so slightly. He itched to reach out and touch it in wonder but worried that the image would disappear all together. “That’s Strife?” he looked closer, the baby was more developed then he had expected; Strife almost looked like a baby, only very tiny and without a few of the essentials, no hair, eyebrows but he could see tiny fingernails and toes, not to mention … yep Strife was definitely being reborn as a boy.

Joxer looked up at Asyinnitos, “That’s amazing,” his voice was quiet as he was humbled by what he saw, his lips curled slightly into a soft smile as Strife waved his tiny arms slightly and he had to remind himself not to wave back- Strife couldn’t see him. He felt Asyinnitos as she shivered slightly and she removed her hand from his stomach. Disappointed, he looked at her as she waved her hand making everything disappear in a muted blue flash;

“I’m sorry,” Asyinnitos looked apologetic, “I need to find Cupid before he goes too far. We need him to help regulate Strife’s powers and I should go and see Gaia, she wanted to know how you were earlier but I got pulled into a meeting by Zeus.”

“What should I do?” Inwardly Joxer was still reeling from news of his pregnancy and Strife’s return, his mind was already listing potential problems and he wasn’t sure he could put them off for too long.

Asyinnitos patted him gently on the shoulder, “Carry on as you were,” she ran a hand over his face and wrist removing the pain from the bruising he’d sustained earlier. “I will catch up with you in a few days which should give you time to think things through. If you need me though, just call for me.” She stroked his cheek gently and Joxer couldn’t help leaning into the touch needing reassurance, “Take care.”

As the blue flash cleared and the dark spots around his vision faded Joxer lay back on the bed contemplating Strife, pregnancy and Ares.

On Olympus most of the God’s and Goddesses were trying to avoid Cupid who was, after spending time with Bliss to convince him daddy still loved him and was just playing a game, systematically moving from temple to temple to find anything remotely connected to Strife.

One God was not hiding from Cupid’s rampage or trying to convince him to calm down; instead he was silently watching Cupid’s actions from a viewing pool that Hera had set up in his Temple, whilst trying to ignore his own guilt and focus on finding a way to tell Cupid the truth. He didn’t want to reveal to Cupid the truth about Psyche and Strife but since the Mischief God’s death, guilt had consumed all of his waking thoughts and the God had had very little sleep.

Ashamed by his past actions and scared of losing his family, he could only watch as Cupids image rippled in the water and was replaced by that of a very determined Ares; he could only hope that sooner of later he would gather enough courage to tell his family the truth.