Dead Men Don't Cry

A/N: An odd chapter, but much better than the original chapter eight, I assure you. Yes, I rewrote the entire thing when I got 3/4 done because I didn't like the direction it was taking, hence the long long wait you had to endure. I hope you like the direction this version takes =) Review please!


Chapter 8 -Today

Ow. Head.

I rub my temples, hoping that the invisible vise that's squeezing my head will just go away, but it doesn't. Aw, shit. Who the hell turned the lights up that bright... uhmmm ok, their not really brighter, I know that, but still, feels good to bitch about it. Stupid people, always turn the lights up too high. Stupid ship, so fucking loud. Even the silence is unbearably loud. Stupid Silence.

Oh well. Easier than blaming myself for getting drunk off my ass last night. Shit, who knew that five or six shots of whatever that was I was drinking was so damn potent. Maybe seven or eight, whatever, doesn't really matter.

I sit there, not getting out of bed anytime soon, because my head feels like shit and I can't fucking see because the lights are way too bright. My stomach feels like its being eating magog larvae, but the kids went on an extended field trip and won't be coming back any time soon. I just have a *really* bad hangover, that's all. Not the worst, but easily in the top five.

Weird... seems like there's something I should be remembering right about now. Something my mind really wants me to remember. Not usually a good thing, but let's go over last nights events, or rather, the ones we can actually remember.

Ok, number one - went to bar. That was fun, nothing too bad about that, except maybe the bartender, he kept on looking at me weird. Moving on... number two, danced, with Tyr and Trance... wait, was Trance there? Hmmm... maybe I was hallucinating. I'm pretty sure of two things though... Tyr was there, Beka wasn't. Where was Beka? Aw... who knows. Who cares? I had fun. Whatever I was drinking made all the colors pretty. Hehe. Pretty colors... Am I still drunk? God, I hope not. Made Tyr seem taller too... Come to think of it, we were dancing together, me and Tyr. Was he k tok too? It takes a lot to get a Nietzschean drunk, but yeah, maybe, considering he was dancing... with me... really close to me. Maybe that was a hallucination too, considering the unlikeliness of it. Doesn't lik like it, though.

Yeah... dancing, and we were talking about something too. Wow, is everything fuzzy. Alrealreally remember is I was really super happy. Huh. Wonder why... Ok fine, Tyr. Yeah, we did a little dancing, a little talking... everything was really great. I think that was like the longest conversation I ever had with the big guy, and the least violent, considering I don't remember any yelling, crying or slapping. Sucks I don't remember a word of it. And boy did he seem to be really tall... oh wait! That's because I was looking at him before I fell down and the lights went out. The lights went out? Oh. Passed out. That explains a lot. Well, a good way to pass out, on a dance floor. There's something else though, sorta on the edge of my mind...

Oh shit. Fucking hell, I didn't. Oh shit. I did... Oh my fucking god.

I think I hit on Tyr. Like seriously hit on him. Like I might have ask him to fuck me. Holy shit, did I just fuck up everything. All that talk of all that perfect possibilities shit, and now it's all ruined. How do I know? I remember the exact look on his face when he said no. Disgust, horror, disbelieve, and a little bit of loathing mixed in there for good measure. Yeah, and that was after I jumped on him and tried to unfasten his pants... after he had already said no. What the hell was I thinking? I wasn't. I was fucking drunk off my ass, and I just ruined something that couave ave been really great. Ok, it was beyond that.

I think I just ruined my last chance at happiness.

Fuck you, Seamus, you little piece of shit, look what you've done now? You scared away the Nietzschean. Oh fucking well, you knew he would come to his senses sooner or later and maybe sooner was better than later. You spared yourself a lot of pain. It would have been a lot worse if he would have realized that he didn't give a fufterfter he started screwing you, this way you just ended up getting screwed over without the 'geting screwed' part. It is better this way...

So why am I crying and babbling like it's the end of the fucking world? Not just because you have one of the worst hangovers in the history of mankind. No, it's because you-

Holy shit...........Oh yuck... And I prom thr throw up all over myself. God, that hurts like hell... not to mention its a great metaphor for how I feel right about now. This is sick. I so need to change my clothes. And I will, if I every stop crying. And retching. And yes, it does seem to be a matter of 'if' rather than 'when' cuz neither is let up. Everything hurts, too, my head, my stomach, my hand and knees from crashing to the floor when I hurled all over myself and the deck.

Up comes more of my stomach contents, as if I had any in the first place. Oh god, I feel like I'm gonna die... especially because I think that through the tears I can see blood... what the hell? Ok, that is so not normal. And wow does my head feel heavy... aw, shit, I'm gonna crash land in my own vomit. Here we go...

My neck, my throat! Feels like something's around my neck and throat... Wait, there is. Something heavy, and it's not choking me, it's holding me up. More by the neck than my throat, and now something else is wrapped around my chest as I retch and heave some more. I can't see what they are, but they feel like someone rather than something. Like really strong arms holding me up, and when I say really strong I mean it. I am temperarily suspended in midair. Oh shit.

I stop vomiting, even though I really wish I wouldn't, because I don't want to face him. I rather puke up my guts than have him save me from drowning in my own puke. The arms pull me back into a sitting position against something that feels suspiciously like someone's chest. I sit there for a few moments, trying to catch my breath, fighting the urge to look up, because I'll know pretty much what 'up' will have in store for me. Tyr will be looking down, with what used to be his typical stoic expression, or his disgusted one... which brings back too many memories of how I acted like a complete idiot last night, now that the hazy fog is fading.

Suddenly I find myself looking up, and not of my own will, or even because of a lapse of sanity, but because my head was forcefully moved in that direction so that *someone* could clean the vomit and blood off my face.

Tyr. Oh boy. I was afraid of that.

"You gave yourself quite a bloody nose hitting the floor like that," he observes as he wipes my nose.

Oh wait, the blood was coming from my nose? Wow, no wonder my head hurts.

"Ow,"

Yeah, that is the most intelligent response that I could think of.

"Indeed."

Ok, something's wrong. He doesn't sound disgusted, or even stoic. In fact he sounds kinda... worried? I open my eyes after wincing for five minutes and glance the one way I can glance - at him. Our eyes meet, but I don't see what I thought I did. All I see is worry. Why is he worried? He made how he felt clear last night, didn't he? I don't remember a lot of it, but I still remember what was writen all over his face, which contradicts completely what's writen all over his face right now.

"Other than the obvious, how are you feeling?"

Sorta a stupid question... unless he's not talking about the hangover. Doesn't matter too much, since the answer would be the same either way.

"Like crap."

Honesty, is usually not the best policy, but this time it doesn't hurt to tell the truth. I hope.

"That's... unfortunate."

"Yeah, lots of things are."

I *so* did not mean to say that, and yeah, I'm still regretting that I did. Actually regretting that later on I know I'll regret it. In about five minutes, give or take.

"Not everything has to be."

It took him almost five minutes to think that one over, seems like. By the way, where the hell did that come from? He already made everything clear to me. I remember last night perfectly... well, no, I only remember half of it, but I do remember clearly the really important part. When he refused. Ok, well yeah, I was drunk, but so what? I get screwed all the time when I'm drunk, in fact that's the only time I ever really do. Maybe because I don't wanna know the who what when and why. The how... yeah, something else I rather repress. Never really been in a relationship long enough for anyone to complain that I gotta get drunk off my ass to perform. *Not* that I have any problems in the performing department... or so I heard the next morning. Don't remember too well.

"Yeah, but it always is."

He gets this blank, unreadable look on his face, that I now recognize as ' I'm thinking about something but I don't wanna let you know what it is'. Then he looks completely confused for a split second before getting right to the point.

"Exactly how much do you remember about last night?"

Ah ha! Finally, the question is asked. But do I plan on answering in any coherent, understandable way? Nah. Ha. I think I'll give him a 'Tyr' answer.

"Not a lot... and at the same time way too much."

He looks frustrated. Well, serves him right, that's how I feel almost every time I ask him something. Then... crap. He looks like he figured it out. That really sucks, because I still haven't. I'm too busy wishing I was somewhere else other than in his arms right now... wow is that so backwards, since that's the place I'm usually wishing I were. Too bad it took me until now to be able to admit that to myself on some level. Too bad I waited until after I screwed everything up. I still remember that look on his face... disgust... loathing... oh god. Here I go again...

All over Tyr. That's where my puke happened to land. I expect a repeat performance of what is now know as 'the disgusted Tyr face' but he just looks even more concerned. I do too, because I think I'm starting to hear really loud voices in my head. Oh wait, that's Beka. Oh. Yay!

Beka Valentine to the rescue! If I wasn't in danger of throwing up the rest of my insides, then I might actually cheer.

"Oh my god, Harper, are you ok?"

"Ow.... too loud...."

"Oh... sorry... is this better?"

"He's ill from last night."

Wow he states the obvious almost as much as I do. Must be contagious.

"Yeah and what part of last night would that be, Tyr?"

Oh shit, Beka, what are you doing? Don't imply things like that... not today, or any day after this actually. Yesterday was different. Yesterday was perfect. Toda hel hell.

And don't do this when I'm sitting right here, in his arms of all places. Don't make me start regretting all the stupid shit I did, all the stupid shit I said, and all the other stupid shit I can't remember just yet. Don't make me regret what didn't happen, what will never happen.

"I don't appreciate what you are implying..."

Oh thank you Tyr. I so needed to be reminded of that. Of how even touching me, kissing me, holding me, must make you feel completely disgusted. I don't get it. If I disgust you so much, then why do you do it? Why the fuck are you here? If I disgust you so much then why did you run to my side when I started throwing up everything I ate in the last three days? Why do you act like you care so damn much?

"And I don't appreciate being ditched at a bar, Tyr. Especially when you have one of my crew slung over your shoulder."

I'm not here. Not hearing this. Maybe if I pray enough I'll wake up and everything will be just like yesterday. Everything around me will be falling to ruin, but I won't care, because I have hope. Twenty two years ago I was born. Twenty two years ago I gave up hope. Yesterday I found it again, and today it's gone. Today everything is gone.

"If you think that I would-"

"Shut up! Both of you! Nothing fucking happened, ok? Go the hell away!"

I'm sorry, Beka, I know it's not your fault. It's mine. I shouldn't take it out on you, I know, but I can't stand to hear him say it. Not now. Not ever. Don't you get it? He doesn't want me, didn't last night, won't any night. Period. That's it. And here I am, just looking at you, your disbelief, and everything that goes with it.

"I'm sorry.. I-"

"Go away."

I don't want your fucking pity. You don't have to lie to me - I see it in your eyes. I can also see that I'm hurting you, have been hurting you, closing you out, leaving you guessing. Guessing if I even gave a fuck anymore. I do. I do and I'm sorry. I can't help it - it's just the way I am. Maybe someday things can be different. Maybe someday, but not today. Maybe someday you'll understand, but I doubt that you will today. I doubt that anything good will happen today. I already wish it was over.

You get that blank glassy look. Means I've hurt you a lot more than I intended.

"We're being hailed by the Andromeda, and she wants to talk to you. Patch it through to the bridge when you're done here. Tha Thank you. Guess you did save the day after all, Beka. Because now I have a reason to get up and walk out, that is assuming my head will stop spinning long enough to let me. Suddenly Trance is in front of me and I get a close up of all that new pale and orange coloring. How'd you get that way? You don't look anything like my Trance, the purple one, the one with the tail that didn't seem so dangerous or wise. You give me a dose of the stuff that makes everything a little less bright and painful, all the while smiling that small little sad smile that means that you must know everything that goes on in my head. You look so much like you want to say something, like you know something you don't but you can't tell me because he's sitting right there, right behind and below me and all around me. I don't care if he hears or not. Tell me what you see Trance. Tell me that everything's gonna be all right, that there is a happy ending after all.

Tell me I can hope again.

Then you're gone, and it becomes my time to go too. It's hard not to look at him, but I know I can't, because I'm afraid that what I see might actually make me hope again. Wow am I feeling confused right now. Everything I saw in his eyes last night is the opposite of what I saw five minutes ago, almost like last night never happened. Ha. I wish. I know that it happened, I know what I saw, andn thn though I have no fucking clue about anything else that is happening today, I'll probably find out way too soon.

I manage to make it to my feet, only to fall back down a minute later. Shit. I wish I had landed on the floor, but instead I'm back in his arms again, and my heart jumps in a way that I'm really beginning to hate. I'm so confused right now, but somehow I manage to push his arms away and make it to my feet again, before walking out on him like I've wanted to all morning, and even before that. Every fucking time he played me, every time he made me feel things I didn't think I could anymore. I hate him for it, and yet at the same time... no. I'm not gonna say it, I'm not gonna think it.

This is probably all some sick stupid game to him, either that or that's what I want it to be. I'm afraid of every
possibly future, even the perfect one. I'm afraid to be happy, afraid to give in, but most of all, I'm afraid to feel.

It's against everything I ever learned. People who feel get stepped on, hurt, shot, killed, and a lot worse. Strange thing is that they don't ever really seem to care too much. Not like the rest of us. We spend all our lives fighting everything for nothing, because its what we do, what we've always done. When you're at war with the universe you can't really afford to feel all that much.

Something in my mind wakes me up as I step onto the empty bridge. Reality hits me in the face and I can't wait for more, because I just realized what Beka said. Rommie is waiting for me. Rommie wants to talk to me. Rommie is ok.

I press a button and suddenly her beautiful face pops up on the view screen and I feel like crying I'm so fucking happy. I thought, no, I thought that I knew that I would never see her ever again, and yet here she is. I guess something's in the universe are still going ok.

"Rommie!"

"Hello, Harper."

Something+'s wrong. Her voice gives it away immediately. I feel like crying still, but now for a completely different reason. I wanna cry now because I realized that the universe is still an asshole, and that shit can never be alright. The little bit of euphoria I had a minute ago is gone, but nothing fills it's place. All I can feel is nothing, because that's all that's safe to feel.

"Rommie-"

"I wanted to see how everything was going. I had some information on Rev in my database that I thought might be helpful, but I already gave that to Beka. I just wanted to see how you were doing."

Something is definitely wrong. Compared to usual Rommie speech she is definitely babbling.

"What's going on Rommie? You don't sound-"

"I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. Sorry for everything. I'm Sorry for not seeing what he becoming and I'm sorry I couldn't stop him from hurting all of you."

"It's not your fault-"

"Yes it is. I'm a warship, Harper. I'm a warship and I couldn't stop a single man. I should have, but I didn't."

I want to say something, but I know she won't let me.

"I always wanted to tell you that what is happening is not your fault. I don't blame you for leaving, Harper."

"You should. I shouldn't have left you behind. I know that now. I'm ready to come back, I can make Beka turn around. We're not that far away."

"Don't."

"Rommie-"

"It's too late."

Oh god. I don't know what the hell she's talking about, but I know it's majorly bad. Then the view screen gets staticy, and she gets the preoccupied look that means she's something's happening.

"What's happening? Rommie?"

"Dylan has decided to do a little re-wiring. I doubt by the time you reach me there be much left."

More static fills the screen, and I'm gripping the control panel so tightly that I think I'm gonna break something.

"Rommie! Rommie?"

"Harper... by the time you get here what's left of my personality functions maybe gone... I can no longer communicate with my avatar, and my internal sensors are gone, so I'm not sure what happened..."

"No....."

"Harper, it's not your fault, what happened, I mean. I'm sorry-"

The static takes over the screen and a few moments later everything goes black.

"Rommie? Rommie.... no....."

I feel myself sorta falling backward, and I feel sorta cold as I sorta halfway land, but nothing cuts through the smog that's taking over my eyes.

Oh god, Rommie. This is all my fucking fault. I shouldn't have gone... I don't care what you said. I could have stop I s I should have stopped it...

I should have been there.

But no, I had to run off with Tyr and leave you behind. That's the real reason why I did it. I couldn't stand to have him leave without me, because I thought it would be the last time I would ever see him again if I did.

And now instead I've just seen you for what might be the last time... The part of you that was still alive and functioning at the time. You told me that much yourself, that he had done something to the part of you that I had made with my own two hands. It's so hard to separate the three of you from each other sometimes, in a way you were one being, not three. I admit it though - the part of you I loved best was the part that might be gone now. Then again every other part of you might be gone too... not just gone - dead, finished, no longer functioning.

Thanks for forgiving me, but I don't think I can ever forgive myself...

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"Can't ever forgive him for not saving us, can't ever forgive myself for.... for everything."

"There's no point in blaming yourself. However, I agree that Dylan should not had committed himself if there was even a chance he couldn't have succeeded."

"I hate him for it, know that? Not really for the actual part where everyone died, including my cousin, but more the part where he didn't give a fuck. Brendan used to mean everything to me. When we were on Earth he was all I had, but when he gets killed in a revolution do I get any real apology? No, I get treated like it was all my fault, but it wasn't. It was Dylan's. He should have been there. Should have cared enough to actually show up. But did he? No. And why? Because he didn't give a fuck."

"You can't be completely sure that your cousin died in the revolution..."

"Like hell I can't. Everyone I care about dies, just like he did, just like my parents did, and just like every other person I ever felt anything for. You know what? Every time they do I wish it had been me instead."

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Where the hell did that come from? I would guess that it was a flashback from last night, except I never have flashbacks of things that happen when I'm drunk... Buts sts still so fucking t It It should have been me, because I should have been there to protect her. I don't care if it's a death wish, or if it's selfish, because it's right and it's what I should have done. This is just like Brendan. I abandon him too, and I know he never forgave me for it, even though he wanted to. He never forgave me, but he believed in me.

And I failed him.

I sent him into a battle I knew he couldn't win, and I let him get killed. Just like Rommie.

Something terrible has happened, I just know it, but I don't care. There's still time, I can still go back, even if it is jus die die with her. Even if it's already too late to help.

Must find Beka, must turn ship around... Where am I? I'm in someone's arms, but I feel cold... why would I-

Chainmail.

Tyr.

Oh that's just great. I swear this is the worst day of my life. Not that his arms aren't the best place in the world, not that if this was any other day I rather be in someone else's arms, but because I keep on thinking the same things over and over, and I hate myself for it.

Thank god it wasn't Tyr.

Yeah, that really shows how much I care... about Rommie. Here she is dead or dying and all I'm doing is thanking god that it was her and not him. Disgusting. Completely. I feel more disgusted than Tyr did when I tried to hit on him last night. And yeah, now I'm thinking about that again. I hate me. I hate me so fucking much.

I look up at him, and I realize that for some reason I'm not even crying. I'm just sitting there in his arms, shaking. If this was any other day than today, then this would be a completely perfect way to spend a few hours, but it's not. Today is today, therefore today is hell and nothing can be perfect.

"We have.. to turn the ship around... now." I try to sound somewhat commanding but all I can manage is sounding tired. That's how I feel right now - tired. Tired of life, of pain of sorrow of all the hope I ever feel that all ends up dead, just like evhinghing else. I wish that life could just be like this... lying in someone's arms for eternity, never having to get up and go through all the crap that life deals to you.

A voice comes from somewhere else, and I think it's Beka's.

"We can't just-"

"Do as he says, and now," Tyr growls before she even gets to finish.

"Fine. We'll reach her in about... 4 hours."

"Not soon enough," he replies.

"It's the best I can do, unless you would like to get out and push?"

Angry Beka. She sounds pretty upset too. Not nearly upset enough though. She and Rommie weren't like me and Rommie. She can't understand what it's like. None of them can, even Tyr, but then again, he understands more than most of them do.

Suddenly I'm being lifted up and carried, but not over anyone's shoulder. I'm still in his arms, hiding my face in his cold chainmail shoulder because it seems right now the only thing that is keeping me sane. I don't need to look up to know where I'm being taken, partly because of the fact that there isn't much of any other place to go. Partly also because of the smell. It's disgusting but I barely notice because I'm too tired of noticing things tha that. Too tired of disgust and every other emotion. Too tired of feeling everything, because in the end it all just turns into a whole lot of hurt.

We're sitting down now and all I can feel is the cold of his chest and the numbness inside of me. I've ruined everything. I ruined Rommie. I ruined me and Tyr. I ruined Brendan. I ruined it all. Now I know what it's like to wish I were dead. Now I guess I finally understand how Tyr felt - feels, I dunno, he won't talk about it. I didn't have the right to judge him for what he was doing. I was being selfish, because I knew if he died I couldn't live another day.

"I'm sorry..."

I know it won't do any good, but it's the least I could do.

"You have nothing to be sorry for."

I feel his hand stroking my hair, and I swear it's the best thing I've ever felt. Right now it's the only thing I can feel, because all the jumble of everything that's slowly starting to come back can't really be called an emotion just yet.

" Yes I do. I have everything to be sorry for. My entire life. How many fucked up thingsht nht not have happened had I not been born... I'm sorry I judge you, though. I know what it's like, not wanting to live. I've known it before, but I know it now more than ever."

"Have you over looked how much good could have never happen had you not been born?"

"Good? What good would that be? Everyone around me just dies."

"Maybe, but so does everyone. It just depends on the how and why."

"Why? Because I'm like a curse to everyone I have ever cared about. And the how? Look at Rommie."

"Who would have not existed had you not been born, whose ship might not have been pulled out of a black hole had you not been there. The crew of the Maru might already be dead had it not been for you. Because of you the universe can still have some semblence of hope."

"And why is that?"

"Because as far as we know, the Andromeda is still somewhat functioning and Dylan Hunt is still alive, in some sense of the word. There's still the chance that the World Ship can be stopped because of you."

He's trying to help, and I appreciate it, but I don't deserve it.

"If it hadn't been Dylan it would have been someone else. Besides, it's him, not me that's saving the universe, remember?"

"Perhaps. But how many people have you tried to help on your own? What would have happened to them had you not come along?"

"And how many people have died because of me? Is it all really worth it in the end, Tyr?"

"Death is a given. Happiness is not. "

"So what your saying is because I momentarily make people feel better that that justifies everyone who has ended up dead or worse because of me? That's crazy."

"Happiness is a rare thing, especially in this universe. Better to die having known a moment of it then live a thousand years without it."

That doesn't sound like something Tyr would say. What happened to his survivalist attitude? Oh wait, yeah forgot this is the sometimes suicidal Nietzschean.

"That doesn't sound like Nietzschean logic to me..."

"It isn't. It's my logic. Emotion is necessary for survival."

"What makes you so damn sure?"

I wish he was right, but I know he's not.

"Remember when you and the magog and myself were on the Maru, beneath the ocean?"

"Yeah.... on the planet that went anti A.I..."

"I died."

I remember. I was so fucking scared that I overdosed on my medication and passed out. When I woke up Rev told me that Tyr had... almost died for me. Like everyone else. That was when I realized exactly what I had done if he had succeeded...

"You did it because you didn't want to live."

"No."

No?

"That wasn't the only reason. I did it because I would have been happy to die for you, to know that I could somehow assure your survival."

"You didn't seem too happy afterwards."

"Because I would have preferred dying, rather than admit why."

"You mean admit what Dylan was doing to you?"

"In part."

His hand stops moving and just rests in my hair.

"What other part was there?"

I feel afraid to ask, but I'm not sure why that is... What's the worst that can happen, that hasn't already happened?

"That I'd found someone worth dying for."

What the hell is he trying to say? Me? Why the hell am I worth dying for? God I'm so confused. What about him and all that disgust, and all of that? Is he playing me? Am I understanding everything completely wrong?

"Last night..." I begin, hoping that I'm not making a really big mistake.

"You were drunk. Did you really expect me to take advantage of you?"

"Well, no, but you were clearly disgusted-"

"By myself, perhaps, but not because of you."

"Yourself? I don't get it..."

"It took a lot more willpower than it should have."

Willpower? Is he saying- Whoa, no way.

"It did? No, it didn't. You would even let me kiss you."

"If I had things might have ended a lot worse."

"Worse for who exactly?"

Wow I can't believe he's saying any of this... Can't believe we're actually talking about this.

"I refuse to take advantage of you when you're drunk."

Where'd his hand go? I liked it where it was.

"Why not? Everyone else does."

"I'm not everyone else."

That's for sure.

"I would have done it even if I hadn't been drunk."

"Is that so?"

"Well... not right then, but yeah, eventually."

"And if eventually had occurred and you had not been drunk, my answer would have been different."

It would have? Oh that's an encouraging thought. In fact I think for once it's the only thought in my head. I don't care if in two minutes all the problems of the world come back with a vengeance, because right now all
I can think about is his lips. Oh, and how they would feel against mine.

"Tyr..."

"Yes?"

"Kiss me."

The hand that had started to reach for my hair again stops in midair.

"You're in mourning."

"I'm asking you to kiss me, not to fuck me. Besides, there's still hope of a somewhat happy ending, perhaps."

I look up at him finally and realize that his silence means he's actually gonna give in. My first thought is - oh my god, which is coincidentally the same as my second and third thoughts. Then I feel his lips on mine, and I cease to think at all.

All I do is feel.

Every little bit of euphoria that I have felt, every hint of bliss, nothing compares to this. Completely indescribable. For a single moment everything in the universe seems perfect. I forget all the pain, all the sorrow, all the everything that ever happened. For a single moment all that exists is me and him, and that's all that matters. For a single moment I understand what Tyr said about happiness being more important than even death. Right now it's more important than life too. I know that this will end, that it has to, but I also know that I'll never forget this moment.

It ends and I remember to breathe, and spend a lot of time just doing that, because I don't feel capable of much else right now.

I've had good kissing before, but that just blew everything else away. I know why it did too. I've known for a long time, since me and Tyr both got infected with Magog larvae, since even before that. I could never admit it though, but I think I'm about ready to admit it now.

I look up at him and right now I can't think of anyone that every looked more beautiful to me than he does right now. Everything I feel is reflected in his eyes, and I know that now is definitely the right time.

"Tyr... I-"

"Harper, Tyr, we've just reached the Androm.. ed...a..." Beka rushes in, completely killing our little moment, but I'm not sure I regret it so much. Maybe then wasn't the right time. She obviously noticed the fact that I was in Tyr's lap, and all the other small things that show the difference between two people that have just kissed and two that haven't. Like the fact that both our hands somehow ended up trapped in each others hair, mine more than his of coarse, but still, his hands will feel really sticky for a long time... and not for the reason I would prefer them to be that way.

Her stuttering is hilarious though.

"We, are, uhmm... docking. Trying to dock. Uhmm, ok, leaving." she mumbles as she dashes back out the door. Wow, never saw her move that fast.

Then all at once I feel the weight of everything I forgot for however long that was begin to way down on me again. I look back into Tyr's eyes and he can see it too. Now all I can feel is scared. Scared for me, for him, for Rommie, and for everyone else in the universe. Now I think I'm beginning to understand why he always tells me 'not now'. It's because 'now' is possibly the worst time the universe has ever seen. 'Now' has no place for us.

I get up and immediately feel the tears on my cheeks. I'm crying for all of us, because I have this really bad feeling that the universe is trying to screw us over again. I turn my back so he can't see my tears, but from the hand that brushes my shoulder I know that he knows they're there.

I walk onto the bridge just as we are pulling into the docking bay.

"We had some trouble contacting the ship... Luckily the doors were left open for us." Beka informs me, keeping her eyes on the task.

"She knew I was gonna come back for her."

I feel a little bit better because of that, but not much, since she's sitting dead in the water and Beka couldn't open a channel with her.

"Maybe communications are down," Trance offers, doing her best to try to make me feel better, but it doesn't really work.

I hope that's all that's down, but I doubt it.

"Now there's the problem of closing the-"

The doors suddenly start to close, cutting Beka off.

Ok, that could be a good sign. Hopefully.

Tyr suddenly appears beside me with what looks like the biggest gun he owns, and that makes me feel a little bit better, knowing that he's here to shoot anything that needs shooting... or to hold me if for some reason I need to be held.

We get off the Maru and enter the corridors of the Andromeda. Everything is dark, like she's completely powered down, or something. I keep on hoping to see holographic Rommie, but she never appears. The only thing that is in the halls is the occasional maria, and everyone time I trip over one of those I think it's Rommie, but so far I'm lucky.

Then Tyr stops, and everyone else stops with him. I look down the corridor, but the end of it is too dark to see anything. Then I look back at Tyr, and he has the look on his face that means he either hears or smells something that the rest of us don't, because if he saw something he probably would have shot at it by now.

Then I see something. A familiar face, framed by dark blue hair peaks out of the darkness. My heart jumps, and then falls as I realize something is horribly wrong. A split second later Rommie's disfigured head hits me square in the chest, and everything stops.

Somewhere off in the distance I hear weapon's fire, and screaming, but everythi so so far away, because all I can see is what's left of her face, staring up at me, like she's knows this is all my fault.

I'm sorry Rommie. I shouldn't have left you, shouldn't have gone with out you, but don't do this to me. Be ok, don't be dead. Please, Rommie, don't do this to me. Not today. Any day, but not today. Today I came back home... to you. Today I let myself feel again. Today I woke up thinking I had ruined everything. Today I realized that things can never be perfect.

But you know what, Rommie?

Today was still the best damn day of my life.


A/N: Strange ending, perhaps, but he is sorta losing it... Anyway, Please Review, as usual. Tell me what you think. Next chapter is most likely Tyr POV. BTW, I don't have a spellchecker, so I used yahoo mail and it sucks, but at least my spelling is no longer as "poor". hehehe.