John's Quest

John's Quest

By: Abra and dot

Pairing: John Hoynes/Ellie Bartlet - Romance

Rating: PG13

Spoilers: season 5 episodes 15 – "Full Disclosure" and 16 – "Eppur si muove"

Disclaimer: The characters are from the NBC, WB, Bravo, A John Wells Prod., TV show, 'The West Wing'. They are the creation of Aaron Sorkin.

Feedback: yes, please!


Chapter VII

That Thursday seemed to be the longest day of his life. He had started out determined not to call Ellie, but abiding by that decision was getting more difficult with every hour.

‘Why the hell do I need to call her anyway? Just because she didn’t serve me the “it was a mistake” speech yesterday doesn’t mean she won’t do it today. Do I really need to hear that to know it’s over?’

He didn’t want to hear her recant their friendship, but he did need to hear from her. In search of a reason for this compulsion, he asked his secretary for a copy of his phone calls from the previous month and was shocked to see that they had been talking every day. Time passed at a snail’s pace, and his frustration was punctuated by the vivid memory of their kiss. The way she had closed her eyes in sweet surrender, the feel of her body vibrating against his, and the almost painful intensity of his desire tormented him from dawn till dusk.

At the stroke of midnight he made up his mind. He could not endure another day like the one that had just ended. He wanted her. He was going to have her. Or at the very least he would set his mind at ease knowing he had done everything in his power trying.


~~~~~

Morning followed a night of restless sleep. John arrived at his office around six thirty and worked steadily until eleven, when he shocked his assistant by telling her to take the rest of the day off. The astounded look on her face made him realize that he hadn’t left the office before sunset on a Friday in months.

He looked at his telephone, unable to decide what he was going to tell her. Knowing Ellie as he did, she was probably at work and wasn’t likely to leave the lab for hours to come. If the kiss had affected her half as profoundly as it had affected him, she had stayed in the lab until midnight yesterday and was going to do the same for a while.

He was going to call her and ask her out. He could be smooth. He didn’t need to go to the mirror and rehearse. There was no need to be worried. After all, the worst she could do was say no, and he was sure she would do it in a very polite and delicate way.He knew at least that much about her from a year’s friendship.

He tried to think logically. He should be able to understand what was going on in her mind based on everything he knew about her and judging from her reaction to the kiss.

He gave up after ten minutes. She had seemed to like the kiss, but backed off after that. So the chances were fifty-fifty.

If she said no, he’d be no worse off than he was now.

If she said yes…

If she said yes, he would want to see her. To kiss her again. To make sure that he hadn’t dreamed the whole thing. To make sure that she didn’t regret it. That she didn’t think he was a ridiculous old man. That she wanted to see him. That she wanted him…

No. He wasn’t going to call her on the phone. Not from Washington. He would go to Baltimore and call her from the lobby. If she said yes, he would knock on her door with her favorite flowers and sweep her off to the most romantic date of her life.


~~~~~~


He was on her floor, flowers in hand, when he dialed her cell number. His heartbeat raced. He was going to hear her voice. He would be able to tell from her first words if she would say no.

“Hello.”

John had never heard a sweeter display of insecurity. Her wavering voice betrayed her anxiety, meaning that she was not indifferent. Anything was better than indifference.

“Hello, Ellie. Are you working?”

He could almost see her smiling. Of course she was working.

“Yes. Fridays are the busiest.”

“I know. I wanted to talk to you about what happened at the party.”

“Oh.”

Was that a good “oh” or a bad “oh”? He didn’t pause to revise his decision and went boldly on.

“I wanted you to know that it wasn’t premeditated, it just happened. You were so beautiful, I couldn’t resist. I hope I didn’t offend you.”

“No, you didn’t. I was just so surprised…”

“So was I. But it got me thinking. And I realized that I like you. Not just as a friend. I don’t know how I didn’t see it sooner. Maybe it’s because of how different we are...”

He bit his tongue after he had let the words out. He shouldn’t have mentioned the differences between them. They both knew there were many; the age gap, his cheating, his divorce, her family, her fear of commitment, and many, many others.

“That's understandable. But there are all those things we do have in common, too.”

That was definitely a good sign.

“So, I was wondering, how do you feel about giving it a chance? We could try dating. I don’t think we could go back to being just friends any more. I know I couldn’t.”

John wished he hadn’t made it sound like an ultimatum, but he was apparently unable to conduct himself with his usual political savvy.

“I don’t think I could, either.”

There was a long pause, which he did not dare to interrupt.

“Maybe we should give it a try.”

Yes! Victory! He walked past agent O’Reilly and towards her lab, talking as he went.

“Do you have any plans this weekend?”

“No leisure plans. I have something scheduled for Monday and I have to prepare the data. I suppose I could stay late tonight and take a half-day break tomorrow.”

He stopped, frozen, three steps from her door, then turned around and walked away.

“Dinner and a movie tomorrow evening then? I’ll pick you up at seven.”

“That would be fine. See you tomorrow.”

“Bye, Ellie.”

He approached agent O’Reilly and handed her the flowers.

“Could you give them to her? And please don’t tell her I was here personally.”

“All right, Mr. Hoynes.”


~~~~~~


At the end of their first date.


John walked her from the theater to her apartment. He was so distracted by Ellie’s conversation that even the presence of agent Jackson, following them discreetly, could not spoil his mood. They stopped in front of her building, an uncomfortable silence falling between them. He let Ellie climb two steps higher before he took her hand, stopping her.

She turned around slowly. For once, her face was at the same level as his. John cupped her cheek and pressed his lips to hers, a lot more calmly than he was feeling. Ellie didn’t pull back; she just closed her eyes and ran her hands through his hair. He ended the kiss, regretfully. Her soft whimper of longing made it worth resisting his urge to speed things up.

“Do you want to come in for a cup of coffee?” she asked, in a simple, almost polite tone.

“I would like that very much, but I think it would be better if I didn’t,” he said.

“Good night then, John.”

She kissed him softly on the cheek and he was sure he had interpreted correctly the small hesitation before the offer.

“Good night, Ellie.”

He watched her disappear into her building and contemplated the night’s events on the way back to his hotel.


~~~~~~~

One month later


Ellie looked at her watch again. Time seemed to have slowed down.

In the past month, Ellie’s Fridays had changed dramatically. Even her absent-minded colleagues noticed her eagerness to leave the Institute as soon as possible. They didn’t know who she was rushing to meet, but Ellie displayed all the tell tale signs of a woman in love.

She looked back to her file in an earnest attempt to get some work done, but instantly fell into a state of day-dreaming that prevented her from taking in a single word she was reading. She was beginning to live for their weekends together. She could hardly remember a time when they didn’t talk every day, and she could no longer imagine her weekends without him.

At the beginning, Ellie had lived with the expectation of an amicable break up. It was mostly due to this reason that she had discreetly, but clearly let him know that she wanted to keep their relationship secret. Just like her sisters, or maybe even more than them, Ellie had tried to stay out of the public eye, so John had easily been able to understand her wish and had complied. She couldn’t help thinking that John’s ability to avoid the press was in part due to his extramarital experiences, but she soon learned to see the good side. Neither the press, nor any of their friends or enemies had got hold of their relationship. She couldn’t imagine what her agents were putting in their reports, but she was sure that no-one outside a tight circle of Secret Service agents knew about her affair with John Hoynes.

Or rather, her non-affair. The first month had passed, and they still hadn't 'done the deed', as her mother would have put it. The first time things began to turn serious, about two weeks after their first date, Ellie had pulled away. To her surprise and his credit, John had been the perfect gentleman about it, even though it must have been incredibly frustrating for him. Since then, every evening together had been a test of will, both his and hers, but she always put a stop to things before they went too far, and suffered the subsequent guilt. It wasn't that she didn't want him. He was virtually all she could think about. It was his past that bothered her; the long string of women he had used and then discarded. She didn't want to be just one more notch on his bedpost. If they broke up, at least she would be spared the indignity of being another conquest. If they stayed together... well, she would think about that if and when it happened.

Right now, she had work to do. She looked at her watch one more time and forced herself to concentrate.


~~~~~~~


She started at the sound of the phone, but he kept her prisoner in a kiss for a few seconds more. He left her mouth and went on kissing her neck while his right hand sneaked beneath her tank top.

Ellie reached for the phone, and went slightly pink before saying “Hi, mom”. Then she disentangled herself from his embrace and went into the other room. John heard her trying to act like her usual mousy self and smiled.

He had been wondering if she had told her parents about their relationship. He guessed from her behavior that the answer was 'not yet'.

Bored, he started browsing through her DVD collection, and stopped at a copy of 'When Harry Met Sally', which bore signs of frequent use. That explained a lot. He wondered if he would have to stick around for another eight or nine years before he got any. However, there was no trace of malice in the thought.

From the many conversations they had had during their year of friendship, John had an extensive knowledge of Ellie’s behavior in romantic circumstances. He knew that she hadn’t had a relationship that had lasted longer than six months; she had never brought a guy home; she measured all the men she dated to a very high standard, and, most importantly, she had a fear of intimacy liable to make her run away if she got scared. When he had first come to understand this after one of their late night online chats, John had categorized her as frigid. As soon as they had started dating, he had amended the label. Ellie was anything but frigid, but she had her issues to overcome before she would let him come any closer. As his feelings for her deepened, the frustration was evolving into a sweet torture.

He wanted her more intensely than he could remember ever desiring anyone, but he was grateful to have her in his life at all. In a way, he was happy Abbey Bartlet had called. For all her shyness, Ellie was incredibly sensual and she always managed to turn him on in the first five minutes they were alone in her apartment. Perhaps today he could manage to leave without needing a cold shower.


~~~~~~~



Three months later


“I’m not a prude,” she said, breathing heavily.

She was standing astride him as he sat on the couch and her caresses had been bolder than ever before. John looked at her breasts rising and descending inches from his face.

“I know. I can feel you burning.”

“And I don’t want to be a tease,” she added after another ravenous kiss.

“That’s good to know,” he replied, familiar with the turn of events.

“It’s just that I don't... you know. It feels like exhibitionism.”

“I've said this before, but I’m pretty sure Jackson and O’Reilly think we’ve already done it,” he said, nibbling on her earlobe.

“Thanks. That’s comforting.”

John had initially expected the affair to be quickly consummated, and hopefully survived by their friendship. He could not have imagined that so much time would pass without them sleeping together. The past three months had been one long, slow dance of desire. They had progressed from a kiss on the cheek through to much more, but Ellie always pulled back from the edge, often using the presence of her escort as an excuse. John knew it was more than that, correctly interpreting it as a panic reaction to her growing affection for him, but he went along with her, even though it drove him crazy. He was deeply surprised by own his willingness to wait. It would have been so easy for him to arouse her enough to forget her inhibitions, but he had decided to let things evolve at her own pace. Still, with every date, it was getting harder to stand behind his decision.

Perhaps sensing his train of thought, Ellie stopped straddling him and curled up next to him on the sofa instead, looking repentant.

“I’m sorry, John. Every time before we meet I promise myself I won’t start anything, or, if I can’t keep my hands off you, I’ll go all the way.”

“If I have a say in this, I vote for going all the way.”

Ellie smiled. "You always do. Maybe you could go out there and strangle my agent."

“Don’t think I couldn’t do it,” he said, biting her lower lip playfully. “I have enough energy bottled up.”

"You've put up with this for three months," she said. "How much longer can you wait?"

"As long as it takes."

She pulled away a little and looked steadily into his eyes. He took both her hands in his, trying to show the absolute sincerity in his words. She sighed.

"All right then, how much longer can *I* wait?" She kissed him gently on the temple.

"That's up to you, isn't it?"

"I don't deal well with frustration, you know. And I’ve never felt so horny in my whole life. But I don't want to be just another one of your conquests, either.”

"You'll never be 'one of' anything. You're Ellie Bartlet, one of a kind."

"I want you," she said.

He became a little harder hearing this, but his mind overruled his body.

"Ellie, I want to make love to you as much as I’ve ever wanted anything, but I don't want either of us to regret it. I know you don't trust me, that you don't want anyone to know about me. If a reporter gets wind of anything, you want to be able to look him straight in the eye and say in all honesty that I'm 'just a friend'. You don't want to embarrass your father. It's OK. I understand. In time, we’ll work this out somehow. After all, it’s just another twenty months and your father’s mandate will be over and then you won't be a First Daughter any more, just you. I love you Ellie. I can wait."

"Dammit, John..." she glared at him for a moment, before her face softened. "I love you too." It came out as a whisper.

He kissed her and held her for a long moment, her head against his shoulder.

“Now stop talking and let me be noble while I still can,” he murmured, kissing her neck in the way he knew always put an end to her arguments.


~~~~


On his way back to Washington, Ellie’s words were still in his mind.

“I love you too.”

To think that only a year ago he thought he would never love and be loved again.