House the Pimp

5.


House showed the detectives through the hospital, and had to marvel at how well the place had scrubbed up. He swapped knowing glances with the others who passed. “Do you know what we’re here about?” asked Detective Stabler as they went.

House was unfazed. “The guy who died here a couple of days ago? We did all we could, but he didn’t pull through.” Detective Stabler didn’t seem convinced. “This is a highly regarded medical facility; he had as good a chance as any. It was just one of those things. A damn shame.”

They followed House into a room over looking an operating room, where Foreman was hunched over the groin region of one of their ‘customers’. “Oh, sorry, you probably don’t want to see this.” House said, shooing them away from the glass.

“Wait, what is he doing? We can’t see.” asked Goren as he weaved under Houses’ arm.

“Colonoscopy - Doctor Foreman’s specialty.” House explained, and the two detectives grimaced.

When they heard the door slam, the guy on the bed’s head popped up and grinned, and Foreman removed his white coat, revealing his nakedness in all its glory.

“Let’s try this room.” said House and they entered exam room 9. Cameron was with a patient. She went over to the draw and took out a needle. “This will help, Mr Constantine,” she said calmly to the dark-haired man sitting on the bed, and injected him with heroin. He lay back on the bed and smiled to himself.

“What did you give him?” asked Goren suspiciously.

“Neryzxpozltipis pdeuwrfjkodg, it’s a mild sedative. Perfectly harmless. Mr Constantine suffers from a rare and serious case of efkjkcux6opocznfdj in his lungs.” Cameron explained, looking very serious.

“Of course,” said Stabler nodding, pretending he understood what the HELL she was saying. Constantine began giggling manically. House looked over at her worriedly, as did the detectives. But she just smiled sweetly at them, “hysteria is a common side-effect of the drug,” she explained, “it’ll pass.” House gave her an approving look.

She dropped the clip-board she was holding in her other hand. “Oh, clumsy me,” she said and lent down very slowly to pick it up, so that all three of them got a great view of her cleavage. Stabler smirked and Goren coughed and adjusted his tie. “Well, we better move on.”

Outside House could see a fair few people in the waiting room. As a pimp he wanted to go up and organise some hanky panky, but as a doctor he was willing to make them wait.

Wilson came sneaking around the corner in his cheesy suit, obviously late and not wanting to attract any attention. Unfortunately he ran straight into Elliot Stabler. He quickly covered his coffee and made a move to get past the detective, but Stabler dodged in front of him. ‘Could he LOOK any dodgier??’ House muttered to himself, scowling at Wilson.

“Better watch where you’re going,” Stabler said, getting up really close to Wilson’s face, “Who are you?”

“Wilson, D-Doctor James Wilson,” he stuttered but recovering enough to shake hands with Detective Stabler. Stabler held on to his hand and wouldn’t let it go. “Oh really? Where’s your coat, Doctor?” “I’m late. I’m sorry, okay?”

“Right, and what part of the Hospital are you in charge of?” asked Stabler.

“Err…” said Wilson, squinting over Stabler’s shoulder to read his office door, “Oncology.” Stabler turned to follow his gaze. "Sorry, thought I saw a spider."

“Oh, Cancer?” inquired Goren, “You must get really busy, then.”

“Yep.” said Wilson glancing to the side, “as a matter of fact, this is one of my patients now.” He grabbed the arm of some young guy who was obviously trying to pick up. “Hey-” “So sorry to keep you, come right through to my office…” He pulled his other arm free of the detective and led the young man away.

“This is fun game,” said the young man when they disappeared from sight, and he squeezed Wilson’s ass. ‘Oh dear…’ thought Wilson, closing the door.

‘That was a close one’ thought House, but he wasn’t too worried, he had a plan. “In here.” He led the detectives into the exam room where Tony lay.

Chase was in there scribbling something on a clip board. He attached it to the end of the bed. “This is Doctor Chase, an intensivist.” “Hi.” They shook hands. “Chase is the one who was with Mr Jack McCoy when he passed away, aside from me.”

The detectives were quite interested in Doctor Chase, who looked suitable gloomy. “Yes, I’m sorry for your loss… There was nothing we could do… he-” “It’s okay, Chase,” House interrupted, patting him on the back with a fake look of concern.

Stabler wasn’t particularly affected. “What’s wrong with him?” he asked gesturing towards Tony.

“Car accident. He’s in a coma, has been for two years now,” Chase explained. Stabler looked away, “let’s leave him then.”

And Just as they were leaving the fake heart monitor stopped beating, instead making a steady noise. It even displayed a flat line. “Oh my god!” cried Chase who ran back. House followed and passed Chase a fake defibrillator by the bed. ‘Cuddy really has thought of everything’ House thought.

“His heart stopped!” and Chase put the cool metal on Tony who jerked up when Chase yelled “CLEAR”. The machine made a weird noise and Chase tried it a few more times. “No! Don’t give up on me!” Chase put the defibrillator down and climbed on top of Tony, giving him CPR. Chase chose to ignore the slight tongue action he was receiving from Tony when he put his mouth on his.

Eventually, after he’d had enough of the show, House knocked the heart monitor and it returned to it’s steady beeping. Tony began coughing realistically. The detectives off in the corner gasped. “W-where am I?” Tony asked, opening his eyes a little.

“It’s a miracle!” cried Chase.

House stepped forward. “Welcome back Mr Dinozzo. You’ve been in a coma for two years. If it weren’t for Doctor Chase being here, you would have died.”

Tony looked up at Chase, who was still straddling his hips. “You saved my life! Thank you doctor!” and he pulled Chase down on him and hugged him.

House gulped, but the detectives were oblivious. “Well, I’m sure you’ve got a lot of tests you need to run. We’d better leave you to it.” And House left with the detectives, smiling to himself. That had gone well. “So have you satisfied your curiosity?”

Goren nodded at Stabler who said “I think so. We can see that you run an exceptional Hospital.” They walked out to the waiting room. “The funny thing is we were actually led to believe this place was some kind of brothel!”

House laughed nervously “Whatever led you to believe that?”

Goren opened his notebook. “Witness reports state that you were wearing a pimp costume and that there were several less-than-appropriately dressed people around.”

“Ah, now I remember, we had a costume party later that night, for the doctors.” House explained. “There’s a cafeteria down stairs, if you guys want to catch some lunch?”

“No thanks, we’re working another case. Thanks.” And they shook hands and left. House fought the instinct to give them his pimp card.

Cuddy came out from her office. “WE DID IT!!!” and all the others cheered and took off their white coats.

Wilson came out too. “My ass hurts.” he said, but no-one really heard, they were all too excited about getting off the hook. House came up to him and kissed him. Wilson was a little startled about this. “We’re free men!” House said and kissed him again.

“And it was all thanks to you,” said Cuddy as came up to him. She passed him his pimp coat and feathered hat.

“Well there’s only one thing left to do…” said House. He stood up on the chairs and yelled:

“ORGY!!!”

THE END