Time, Death & Scar Tissue...

Author's Note: Handel's Messiah was first performed in Dublin in 1742.
psyche b

29 Necessary Lessons

LaCroix was surprised that she didn't find him at some point, but he had spent the rest of the night alone. He went up to bed just before sunrise, deciding she would either come to bed with him or she wouldn't. The thought that she wouldn't didn't seem realistic to him, though it was entirely possible he just didn't WANT to think of it as being realistic. As soon as he approached the bedroom he could tell that she was in there, and from the sound of her heart she was asleep.

He entered silently and found her curled up tightly on the small loveseat. She was sleeping but it was obvious to him that she had been crying. He moved over to her side and brushed a lock of hair from her face.

“Kathryn.” Her eyes fluttered open and she sat up quickly.

“I'm so sorry.” Her voice trembled as she said it and her tears started again. He sat down but held her at arms' length. He lifted her chin, requiring her to look into his eyes.

“Tell me why you behaved that way.” His voice was soft but he knew she would hear the slight edge of threat it held. He wanted her to hear it.

“Grandmother is the only person in the family whose opinions matter to me. She's never liked anyone Daddy picked for me and I’ve never really cared because I didn’t like any of them either. If the rest of them hate you I can live with that, but I don't know if I can face her disapproval. I know I shouldn't have said those things or run away like that though.” He pulled her close and she pressed close against him, still sobbing softly. He held her there, his arms tight around her, relieved in a way to find her so upset.

“Your father didn't pick me Kathryn.” He reminded her gently. “Minerva and I had a very nice conversation earlier. I doubt this will turn out to be as dire as you're afraid it will.” He kissed the side of her head softly. Actually, Minerva had seemed a bit nervous when they were speaking. It was possible he was imagining it; the telephone was such an impersonal medium. She hadn't said anything to give him the idea that he was unwelcome in Kathryn's life though.

“Maybe not.” She agreed reluctantly. His lips brushed her forehead and then lingered on her lips.

“It's late.” He said simply. She nodded and went into the bathroom.

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Kathryn undressed and washed her face. She wished that she could forget most of the evening had ever happened. She knew as soon as she ran away from him that he was angry, and she knew that he had the right to be. She had behaved badly, but at the moment she was so upset her raw nerves had taken over. Maybe he was right, maybe it would all be pleasant, or cordial at least. Minerva seemed to like the IDEA of him an awful lot, Kathryn could hope that she would like the man as much. Looking in the mirror she realized that she had spent as much emotion on worrying about his reaction to her outburst as she had worried about her grandmother's reaction to him. She could hear him in his dressing room and she left to get into bed.

He pulled her close when he joined her and Kathryn settled comfortably against him.

“What is Charlotte Worthington's party? Minerva said you go every year and to ask you about it.” He said after a few moments. Kathryn groaned softly.

“She isn't going to drag you to that awful thing, is she?” She said.

“Funny, she didn't make it sound like a trip to the gallows.” He chuckled softly.

“Well, I guess it isn't horrible to everyone, those who like snobby society parties actually look forward to it. It's this big New Year's Eve party, very formal, VERY stuffy. Grandmother usually drags me because she says if I avoid society too much they'll say I've run off to join the circus. There was a time when I would have if it would have gotten me out of another one of those parties.”

“I said we would be happy to attend.” Kathryn knew from the tone of his voice that he was testing her. She looked into his eyes.

“Then when we get back to the city I'll have to go shopping for a dress.” She said softly, feeling herself tremble a bit. He kissed her softly, his tongue twining with hers. Kathryn wasn't certain where this anxiety was coming from all of a sudden, but she knew that his anger frightened her. He broke the kiss first and turned her so that her back was against his chest, she tensed when she felt his growing hardness pressing against her.

“You would refuse me?” His voice was soft, so were his hands as they stroked her body.

“No.” She heard a small tremor in her own voice. Kathryn felt her muscles relaxing under his touch, but heart still registered her anxiety.

“You're afraid I'll hurt you.” It was not a question. His hand wandered over her legs, positioning her so that she was exposed. Kathryn moaned softly but didn't respond, his fingers teased her lower lips softly. “Aren't you?”

She could tell from the tone that he expected an answer.

“Yes.” The soft whisper was all she could manage, she hoped it would be enough. “I know I have no reason to think-”

“Of course you do. You were disrespectful to me in my own house.” One finger slid inside her, Kathryn moaned against the pillow. “Do you know how angry I was? How angry I had every right to be?” A second finger entered her and she felt herself tense around them.

“Please-” She whimpered softly, caught between the excitement his fingers were slowly building and the fear his words were creating.

“Please what?” His voice was still soft, his touch was as gentle as always.

“Please, just forgive me. I know I shouldn't have acted that way.” She was near tears now, her fingers wrapped around the pillow in a death grip as his fingers opened her gently, spreading her slowly growing wetness.

“But I have forgiven you, my Kathryn. If I wished to punish you, do you think I would have waited this long?” His lips moved over the back of her neck softly, one finger searched for and found the nub of her pleasure in her moist folds. Kathryn raised her hips in spite of her fear.

“N-no.” Kathryn's confusion was complete. Her body was responding. His fingers pressed inside her again and she pressed back against them. His words stirred fear and familiarity.

“I have no intention of hurting you Kathryn, but I do want you.” His whispered close to her ear. Kathryn shivered, her hips arching against his hand. As afraid as she had been a few moments before, she believed him completely. He brought her close and then moved off of her, Kathryn trembled and moved onto her knees. She moaned softly as he moved behind her, one hand resting lightly on her neck.

Kathryn expected him to be as forceful and insistent as he had been the first night after they arrived, but he entered her as carefully as he had the very first night they had spent together and her release was as sweet and complete as it had been that first time. Even the sharp sensation of his mouth on her shoulder seemed softer, though she still whimpered softly. She didn't realize she was crying until he gathered her into his arms and brushed her tears away.

Laying in his arms, with his lips lightly teasing hers Kathryn realized that remnants of her fear still clung to her. Whatever menacing undertone had been present just a few moments before was gone now and she hid against him. It was illogical and she knew it, but most of the day had seemed wrong somehow. He sheltered her silently, one hand stroking her back.

“I've never been afraid of you before.” She whispered. It was one of those things that she hadn't intended to say out loud, and one of those things that was impossible to take back or explain away. He lifted her chin and she met his eyes hesitantly.

“I care for you far too deeply to hurt you in the way you feared, but it's not in me to simply let such an outburst go answered.” Kathryn trembled as he said it and she could feel some of the tension starting to drain out of her body. She knew that some would still call it rape, but she couldn't make herself think of it that way. He had excited her, and in the end she wanted to submit.

“I wish I could take it back. I was sorry as soon as I did it.” His arms tightened around her.

“I know. But we will sleep, and tomorrow evening we will continue as we have been.” She relaxed against him completely now. “There's a special performance of Handel's Messiah on Saturday evening, I thought we might return to the city the evening after tomorrow and attend.”

Kathryn knew the decision had already been made. She would miss the house and the relaxed hours she had spent with him there, but she found that even the mildest protests refused to be voiced. She simply nodded and he kissed her temple softly.