A Prank Too Far

A/N: Okay, still fairly tame but we shall get to the smuttiness at some point in the near future.

Aye…

Anyway, the introduction of Tawny McQueen who is copyright to moi.

This is a rewrite so the first half of it should be fairly quick with the updates coz I’m not changing anything major in this bitty. This is set near the end of season 2 and I have seen NOTHING of season three because I live in Britain and we don’t have it on terrestrial telly over here yet.

And I don’t have satellite coz my mother’s afraid of technology.

We’re still on dial up for feck’s sake!

ANYWAY, read and review me because I know you’re out there and I wanna hear from you.

Woot!

Chapter 2: Bastardicity

House glowered as he battered his over-sized tennis ball against the wall. Being wrapped up like some thanks giving turkey was one thing, having photographs of the whole sordid incident on every hospital bulleting board was quite another.

Who the hell brought a camera to a hospital anyway?

Needless to say, the reclusive Doctor House had become even more reclusive until the whole incident blew over.

Or at least until he could exact his revenge.

He bounced the ball more fervently as he waited for his team to report back. They were snatching yet another patient from the jaws of death. Same old same old. He hated to admit it, but the puzzles that his job presented on a daily basis were rarely as interest piquing as he had previously found them.

He liked figuring things out. Puzzles, riddles, word games. He liked all of that, but what he really liked to figure out were people. Which was quite difficult when House made it his aim in life to be an anti-social bastard.

To each their own.

House was just about to switch on his I-pod and disappear into a soothing world of music when he heard, for the second time that day, a scream of surprised rage.

Thankfully, this scream sounded like it came from something considerably smaller than Billings the orderly. House firmly ensconced himself in his seat and waited. Chances were, that this prankster was the same as this morning’s vigilante and he might catch her running by and then he could see where she went.

Then the plotting would begin.

His predictions came true as the girl made an appearance outside his office. She skidded to a halt on her cast and whipped her head around, presumably looking for means to escape. Her eyes lit on something just down the hallway and she disappeared down that direction. House had time to arch a brow in curiosity before Cameron made an appearance.

The door to his office crashed open and House whirled round to see a very angry and very wet Cameron standing opposite him.

“Did you see her?”

House frowned at her sopping state of dress.

“The girl, with the cast on her leg. I thought I’d cornered her in the stairwell but damn, she’s fast.” Cameron gestured with both arms as she spoke and paced back and forth, dripping on the carpet.

“What did she do?” House had a fair idea but he asked anyway.

Cameron turned to him. “She turned the fire hose on me.”

House couldn’t help it. Cameron just looked so miserable and so wet. The image of a streaming jet of water crashing into a righteous Cameron was too much to resist.

He threw back his head and guffawed as only an evil genius can guffaw.

It felt like an age since he’d even smiled never mind laughed. Had Cameron been in her usual mood, she would have rejoiced at House expressing himself in such a way.

“Oh it’s only funny because it didn’t happen to you. You’re a right bastard sometimes you know that, House?” House looked at her like this was nothing new to him and she huffed out of the office with a slam of the door.

House shrugged and went back to his ball bouncing. He was working up a nice rhythm when the door to his domain opened once more. He looked up to rip the intruder a new one when the blistering insult died on his lips.

One of the most beautiful women House had ever seen stood in the doorway. She was tall, nearly as tall as he was and dressed in a low V neck black tee shirt and biker leathers, shit-kicker boots encrusted in buckles encased her feet and there was a helmet slung under one arm. She wore black framed yellow lens wrap around sunglasses on her nose that successfully managed to obscure the colour of her eyes.

“Dr House, I presume?” Her voice was silky soft and had an exotic accent that House couldn’t place imediately.

“No, actually, I just like sitting in his office.” House couldn’t help himself.

“Quite.” The woman tossed her long red hair over her shoulder and arched a blood red brow at him. He focused on her hair, it was fantastic. It varied in shades from almost white blonde to bloody red right through to streaks of sable.

Tiger hair.

“Well when you see him will you tell him that his nine o’ clock is here?” The mystery woman turned to leave.

“I don’t have a nine o’clock, besides, it’s nearly eleven.” House unhooked his feet from the desk and sat up straight, intrigued now.

“Oh, so you are House?” The woman stuck out her hand with a sardonic twist to her full mouth. “Tawny McQueen, nice to meet you.”

House took her hand as she lent down and subtly let his eyes drift over her. If he ever saw anyone fill out a set of leathers better than her, he was proposing on the spot. She wasn’t skinny, like fashion would dictate, but she had ample curves in all the right places and an almost exaggerated hour-glass figure.

House jerked as the significance of her name hit home. “You’re Dr McQueen?”

Tawny took the seat opposite him and let a slow smile curl her lips. “No, I just enjoy masquerading as her.” House placed her accent as Anglo Franco, almost like someone form New Orleans.

House smirked. She had guts, he liked that. “What brings you to Princeton-Plainsboro? Judging by your resume you could pretty much work anywhere.’

“You.” Tawny shrugged. “Your reputation precedes you.” She said by explanation as House raised his eyebrows in surprise. “I wanted to see if you were as bad as the tales go.”

House shook his head rapidly. “All lies. Except for that stuff about nailing the boss, that’s true.” House bobbed his eyebrows suggestively.

Tawny nodded slowly. “You too, hmm?”

House was dumbstruck for a moment before he saw the laughter crouched in the corner of Tawny’s mouth. “You’re good,” he admitted. “You almost had me there. How long do you plan on working here?” House’s curiosity couldn’t let him quite let go of his business side, teeny little guy that he was.

“Oh, not long. A few months at most.”

House frowned. “Just passing through? I don’t know if the boss lady will go for that, she’s kinda possessive of all the good doctors that enter the doors around here.”

Tawny shrugged and reached into her jacket pocket, she pulled out a silver cigarette case and lighter and gestured to the balcony. “Do you mind?”

House lent back in his chair to look out onto the sunny balcony, an ideal place for a quick smoke. He didn’t smoke himself, but if it got Tawny to work with him, then he was amicable.

He turned back to her and grinned. “Only if you promise to share.”

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It turned out, that the cigarettes weren’t Tawny’s only indulgence, she also enjoyed stolen alcohol. Both from House’s secret stash and any other office in the hospital which happened to have a pick-able lock on it. They were now thoroughly drunk, ensconced on the roof and swapping life stories.

Tawny was originally from Scotland, but her father had been French hence the mixed accent. She was a surgeon, a fantastic one, trained in the army and had travelled the world over from an incredibly young age. House found himself comparing his life to her own. They had similar upbringings it seemed.

She also had a wicked and twisted sense of humour and was rapidly proving that she could drink nearly anyone under the table.

It was now quite late and House and Tawny had scurried back to the roof to hide from his team and anyone else that happened to be looking for House. Nearly all of the Doctors had gone home and the hospital was now quiet except from the roaring laughter that occasionally barked out into the night air.

Tawny took another drink from the bottle of pilfered Baileys and handed it over to House. They had recently raided the vending machines and now had a veritable feast laid out before them. Full of the munchies, Tawny was intent on devouring a whole bag of Oreos washed down with some Baileys and any diet cokes that were still left. The conversation had also moved from intently focused on Tawny to the hospital and its history.

“So, this Vogler man, sounds like a grade three bastard. How did you finally get rid of him?” Apparently, the more inebriated she became, the more prominent her French accent. English was obviously her second or third language but she only verbally stumbled once or twice before landing on the right word eventually.

House took his own draw from the bottle and then passed it back to Tawny.

“Grade three? You have gradings for bastards?”

“Oui, there are varying degrees of bastardicity.” Tawny chuckled only a little as she spoke but she was obviously quite a few sheets to the wind. “You, Doctor House are an unashamed bastard but you are amusing and intelligent and you help people as a doctor while maintaining a healthy level of bastardness, so you are a grade one. Vogler is a grade three for he is selfish and controlling and has no redeeming qualities whatshoever.” Tawny chuckled again as she hiccupped and took another drink before passing the bottle to House, who had also developed a taste for Baileys and/or diet cola. “So, how did you finally oust the man from this…l’hopital?”

House took the bottle sagely as only a Head Diagnostician can and answered. “Glad we cleared the bastard thing up. It’s been a weight on my skinny shoulders. Anyhoo, it wasn’t me that got rid of Vogler it was Lisa.” House swallowed another draft of liqueur.

Tawny nodded in an exaggerated understanding fashion. “Lisa of course…who is she?”

House looked up and remembered he’d just met her and she didn’t know Lisa Cuddy. “Lisa Cuddy is the Dean of medicine in this here parish of healing! She kicked his fat ass out of this hospital with style!” House gestured with the bottle while still managing to keep all of its contents inside it somehow.

“Really, she sounds impressive…un minut, is she the petite mamselle who runs quickly in the power suits?” Tawny’s accent was getting thicker in direct ratio with how much she had drunk.

“Yeah! You have met her. This is great.”

“Why?” Tawny had a delightful frown on her features as she looked at House.

House pondered carefully before answering. “Not a fucking clue.” He took a swig and passed the bottle back to Tawny.

That was how Cuddy found them.

Ensconced in a corner of the hospital’s roof the leavings of a five year old’s feast scattered around them, singing ‘Like a Fridge Over Troubled Waters’ at the top of their lungs. Only slightly off key.

House noticed her first and threw his arms in the air in apparent delight.

“Cuddy! You sexy thang! What brings you to this delightful niche of the hospital.”
House swayed as he lurched towards her, judging by his lack of cane, feeling no pain whatsoever. “Hmm-hmm,” he bobbed his eyebrows suggestively. “You brought the twins too, now it’s a party.”

The other woman, that Cuddy didn’t immediately recognise, chuckled from the corner and covered her mouth in an effort to silence herself when Cuddy glared in her direction.

Before she had quite realised what had happened, Cuddy had been dragged over to the fort of candy wrappers and plopped down in between the woman and House.
“Tawny, this is Lisa, she runs the hospital and puts up with me.” House was very drunk, Cuddy had always pictured him as a melancholy drunk but apparently he just reverted to a ten year old.

No big change there then.

Tawny stuck out her hand and shook Cuddy’s in a surprisingly firm grip. “Hello there, heard many things of you. Only good things though.” She gestured to the hospital with a large bottle of Baileys that was nearly empty and bore an uncanny resemblance to the one a donor had gifted her with last week. “Love your work.” Tawny continued as she took a drink and passed the bottle to Cuddy, who passed it straight to House.

“That’s nice, but I think it’s time that Dr House was going home. He has clinic hours in the morning.” Cuddy rose to her feet as easily as her pencil skirt would allow and held her hand out to House. “C’mon, I’ll drive you home.”

House snickered. “Yus, in there with the boss!” He whispered loudly to Tawny.

Tawny’s mouth dropped open in mock shock, and she slapped House on the shoulder. “She is a woman of virtue. She wouldd have to at least half as drunk as me to even think about it with an employee!” Tawny ruined the insult by falling over against the wall as she tried to stand. She quickly sat down again and Cuddy had a sudden premonition that this was going to be the new doctor that House would want to hire. This woman couldn’t have possibly been in the approve file…could she?

“Ah, so that’s the secret to a woman’s heart. Get her sloshed.” House sniggered again as he lent heavily on Cuddy. He couldn’t quite seem to get his cane to work.

Tawny nodded enthusiastically and then had to grip both sides of her head in order to stop her brain rattling around. “Works every time!” She declared in muffled tones.

Cuddy rolled her eyes and heaved House off of the roof. There was no point in shouting at them both now, they would just giggle like children, and let’s face it, House would probably proceed to get her as drunk as they were.

Tomorrow, though, tomorrow was going to be a whole world of trouble for the pair of them. Cuddy thought grimly as she half carried her Head of Diagnostics out of the hospital and piled him into her car.

TBC...