Mission to XXX 069

Thanks to the one person who reviewed the story, glad you found it funny :) I guess, I'm dedicating this one to you. You know who you are :D

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“Li…Libydos?”

Jack sounded choked as he tried not to start laughing in the face of the Master of Revels. He wasn’t doing too well. His face was turning a bright shade of red and his eyes were tearing. Sam smiled with that smile she always had on when O’Neill said or did something funny. She and Teal’c were the only ones who seemed able to keep their countenance almost effortlessly. Daniel was in the same state as Jack.
Sam took a step forward.

“Libydos is it? Nice to meet you!” Jack and Daniel couldn’t keep in their laughter and soon were doubled over, using each other as support. Sam fought hard not to join them. “So this is a temple to the god Eros?”

“Oh, yes, yes!” Agapios looked strangely at the two laughing men and the jaffa that was smiling strangely. “It’s time for the ritual, please, please, join us. Are your friends alright?”

“Yeah, they’re just acting like kids right now. Actually, we were hoping to have a look around. I hope it’s not a problem if we don’t attend your ritual?”

“Ooh, not good, it’s not good not to go to the ritual. It’s very pleasing. Truly.”

“But they are strangers, my love, it doesn’t matter.” Said a woman in a purple dress, “let them experience the wonders of Libydos.”

There was a loud burst of laughter from Jack and he said something about knowing something of those wonders already although his words came out twisted as he was laughing at the same time. Daniel was starting to get serious again. He cleared his throat and nodded politely at the woman, thanking her silently for her support.

“We assure you, we don’t mean to be disrespectful of your customs, and we are foreigners. Perhaps, we may come back at another time.”

“Daniel…we’re not the only ones who need to use the gate. I make the schedule remember? Besides, I don’t think I can get away from the base a second time to come along.” Jack turned back to Agapios, “Listen, Agapios, we just wanna go around a bit, check out the scenery, admire your, er, art. Then we can have a little talk and we’ll leave and we’ll all be friends forever. Come on! You know you want to.” He gave Agapios an engaging smile. There was no way he would be able to escape from the base the way he had managed to this time. There would be paperwork piling up on his desk even now. In fact, now he was a general it seemed that the moment he blinked more paperwork appeared on his desk needing to be read and signed.

“Well, since the Lord Eros isn’t here…well, you are foreigners…” He seemed to be giving in more because the woman had her hand under his toga and was pretty obviously groping his butt. Jack couldn’t help but stare, he had a feeling he would like this planet very much. “Oh, haha, I’m sure it will be no problem. Go on! Have fun, look around!”

They thanked Agapios and his lady and started walking towards what seemed like the way out of the temple. People were still coming in from that direction, in several steps of undressing. They started parting the crowd as they passed.

“Hey!” Sam exclaimed as an old man groped her breasts as she passed by him. Jack grabbed his wrist and forced his hand off Carter very forcefully.

“Hands off, buddy!” No one was groping his Carter when he was around. He knew she was perfectly capable of dealing with it herself but he just got insanely protective of her in such situations.

The folk around looked at them confused, they wondered at the stranger’s violent reaction to the old man’s compliment of their woman’s form. The old man blinked repeatedly and tried to yank his hand from Jack’s painfully strong grip. He babbled a few words in another language. ‘Greek’ thought Jack, seeing as how they were in a Greece inspired world. Agapios said something to the old man from where he was, also in Greek. The old man bowed his head in apology and Jack was forced to let go seeing as how there was no hostility in the mob. Daniel cleared his throat. Jack looked around at the people staring; suddenly he wondered whether he’d been the one to give offence.

“Uh, Jack.” Daniel nodded his head towards the door, motioning for Jack and the rest of SG-1 to just keep going. They passed the door and found themselves up some steps leading to a courtyard that was highly decorated. Everything seemed to be blooming and he didn’t remember ever seeing so much ivy and grape vines in one place.
He turned to Carter, he saw her cheeks were slightly pink but other than that she had her usual professional look.

“You ok?”

She nodded and smiled but didn’t say anything. Instead she turned to Daniel, obviously expecting him to say something. Explain what the hell that was back there. She was a danger to any man who didn’t respect a woman as she deserved. One of those had cause to regret ever thinking he could teach Samantha Carter “to be a woman”.

“Yes, about that Sam. I’d say we shouldn’t take offense at what these people do. They are very, er, liberated. So Jack, no shooting anyone ok?” Jack looked at Daniel in a “I-can’t-promise-you-that” way, “The man said he only mean to praise the lady stranger’s good shape. Agapios told him perhaps our ways were like those of the Men from the Northern Plains. I’m not sure exactly what that means, but I think they consider us somewhat primitive.”

Jack scowled while Sam smiled embarrassed. He walked down the steps still looking angry in Sam’s behalf. Daniel rolled his eyes and followed along with the other two although he was worried what his friends would have to put up on this little trip. One thing was clear though, no one was getting anywhere near Little Danny!

By the time they made it to what looked like the Market square in the beautiful Greek city, the bad mood had lifted and they were once again laughing at the things they saw. They had passed one of the temples and seen how the people on Libydos prayed. Daniel had sputtered and stuttered and had failed to come up with how such a form of prayer had evolved into a full blown orgy.

“Hey! Don’t look at me!” He’d managed to say when the others had turned to him expecting some kind of archeological comment. Jack stood there with a big, dopy grin on his face.

“Complete with music and a fondue! I think I’m gonna retire here!” Jack exclaimed happily as they passed one such temple. Daniel seemed at a complete loss and just remained quiet. Sam couldn’t help but chuckle even as she blushed very prettily.

“Hey, check out the fountain.” She said as she passed a large round fountain with a statue of a man standing with a young woman at his feet and two others dancing with large amphora’s in their arms. A bubbly, yellow liquid was pouring into the basin from the man’s erect penis as well as from the amphoras. “I think it’s wine!” She looked about the fountain then found something in a niche on the sitting girl’s thigh, “And here are the glasses.”

“Carter…What are you doing?”

Sam dipped a glass in the fountain, lifted it and sniffed the content as she always did since her very bad experience on P3X 595 during her first year assigned to the SGC. She dipped a finger in the wine pool under the horrified stare of General O’Neill.

“Hey, it’s cold! But the basin is made of stone and is under full sunlight all day long! I’d like to have a look at the cooling mechanism. I wouldn’t have thought these people would have the level of technology required but apparently they do. Filtering too, obviously, to keep the wine good. Imagine what it could do for people in poor countries! I wonder where the wine is treated…” She said excitedly. O’Neill wondered whether the alcoholic vapors from the fountain were already affecting the Colonel.

“Er…giant, wooden barrels in a great, underground, Greek wine cellar?” He answered even though he knew she wouldn’t pay any attention. “Carter! What are you doing?” his voice rose high and somewhat shrill as Carter brought the cup back up close to her face and sniffed bubbly, yellow liquid very deeply.

“It’s quite safe, sir. Some birds were drinking from a puddle on the other side of the fountain. So we can safely assume I’m not going to get poisoned.” She said, intentionally oblivious to the true reason Jack and Daniel were looking so put out.

“That would indeed explain why so many birds are colliding with each other.” Teal’c agreed.

Jack momentarily changed his focus onto Teal’c, “Ya think?”

“It’s champagne!” pronounced Sam suddenly even as she lowered the cup from her lips. Jack choked.

“I can’t believe you just did that, Colonel.”

Daniel regained his voice, “Sam, I don’t mean to sound childish or unreasonably squeamish but what I think Jack means, and I agree, is did you pay attention to what you are drinking from? You know, the whole of it?”

Sam looked at the statue and the wine pouring out of the man’s privates.

“Yeah, I noticed. But it’s a statue Daniel. And a pretty tame one at that, compared to what we’ve already seen.”

“Well, it’s just that, it looks…well…”

“I really don’t want to know what is going on inside your mind just now,” Sam’s cheek reddened slightly, “It’s just a statue and you have to admit it’s a pretty hot day. But, if it makes you horny…”

She grinned impishly at the guys before refilling her cup right from the pouring stream and downed the glass in one gulp, not even take her time to enjoy what on home would be a rather expensive vintage no doubt. She just was enjoying immensely shocking the guys, especially Jack, who she had locked eyes with while she downed the glass. She liked being tough and making them look like chickens sometimes.
She noticed the General’s turn red. She had seen him blush a few times but never this much. She wondered for a second if the General didn’t have some rather unhygienic fetishes but then her brain censored the idea to keep her from getting Post-traumatic stress disorder.

Teal’c had grown bored of standing in the sun though it wasn’t especially irritating. He was also bored of mocking his friends inside his own head, sometimes it was really amusing to see them bantering but he wanted to go on exploring.

“I propose we go on visiting the city, O’Neill. Before the Libydons come back and perhaps attempt to censor what we have access to.”