John's Quest

John's Quest

By: Abra de Winter

Beta By: dot - without her help the story would not be nearly as good as it is. Any mistakes left in the story - all mine

Pairing: John Hoynes/Ellie Bartlet - Romance

Rating: PG

Spoilers: season 5 episodes 15 – "Full Disclosure" and 16 – "Eppur si muove"

Disclaimer: The characters are from the NBC, WB, Bravo, A John Wells Prod., TV show'The West Wing'. They are the creation of Aaron Sorkin.

Feedback: pretty please!

Chapter XIV

Austin, Texas


The office was a lot bigger than he remembered. And yet not much had changed since their father had occupied it. John stood looking out the window, while his brother sat behind the old mahogany desk.

He was grateful that Robert was silent. He had been great about the whole thing, and maybe some day John could tell him how much he had appreciated it. Robert hadn’t asked him any stupid questions when John had called him from the plane two hours earlier. He had just turned up at the airport, and when John had asked to take him to the office, he did so without so much as suggesting going to their parents’ house or anywhere else.

John knew that he’d have to start talking sooner rather than later, but he clung to the silence for a few more moments. He was looking at his favorite city in the whole world. He loved Austin so much he’d never been able to decide which part he liked most. This was the main reason he had always enjoyed the view from his father’s office - Robert’s office now - which was situated at the highest level of the tallest office building in Austin. After all the years away, he still remembered the name of every street and every shop for fifteen blocks around the headquarters.

John heard his brother pouring drinks, but didn’t turn around. He took in the amazing panorama of the city, buzzing with life below him. He did eventually, and regretfully, tear himself from the soothing contemplation of the city.

“I like what you did with the office,” he said. He was grateful that his brother had kept at least one part of his life the way he remembered it.

“Left it pretty much as it was,” Robert answered, shrugging his shoulders.

“Makes Dad feel better when he comes around here, I bet.”

“Sure does.”

He looked up from his iced tea to his brother’s glass. Robert was drinking Johnnie Walker Blue Label, and he remembered Leo McGarry talking about his unfortunate relapse all those years ago. He found himself wondering what it tasted like. He wasn’t really tempted to drink, but the familiar atmosphere of the office had taken him back more than twenty years, when their father had used to encourage them to visit him at work. He had always associated his father’s work with the scotch on the rocks that could chill those hot Texan days. That had been the time when Vance Hoynes had started treating him like a man. Drinking alcohol had been a rite of passage for the Hoynes’. Becoming a reformed alcoholic after nearly O.D.-ing on beer in college was one of the many ways in which he felt that he had failed his father.

“I’m back, Robert. For good.”


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


John had spent his time secluded in the hotel room. He hadn’t felt like visiting his parents or anyone else. He hated that he couldn’t seem to turn on the TV without hearing something about the countdown to the Hoynes-Bartlet wedding. From Washington, however, came nothing but an unnerving silence. John had expected rumors of the breakup to start spreading within hours of his departure.

Two days had passed, and apparently nothing whatsoever had transpired. He didn’t expect her to make a press statement, but the wedding was supposed to take place in a week and she hadn’t even cancelled the invitations yet. If she thought that he was going to show up at the altar just because it was in his schedule, she was in for a big shock.

He kept telling himself that everything was over, that he had made the right decision, but every few minutes he had to fight the powerful urge to run to the airport and take the first plane to Baltimore.

God, he wished he had fucked her! Thoughts of her had been driving him crazy for the past couple of days. The nights were even worse. From the moment he got into bed, images of Ellie started showing up behind his closed eyelids. Memories and fantasies tortured him until he fell asleep, when the dreams took over. Extensive, realistic dreams that made him wake up hard and frustrated, longing for her.

He walked mechanically to the shower, and let the cool water rain over his body, trying to close his mind to the memory of the very vivid dream he had had just before waking up.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Baltimore, Maryland

Zoey had been buzzing around the apartment for the past hour, and Ellie couldn’t take it any more. She hadn’t spoken to John since he had left. He hadn’t called her in two days, and that had never happened before. She had called his cell phone, only to find it always turned off. She hadn’t dared call his office, because she couldn’t bear the humiliation of hearing his assistant tell her he was out.

Ellie kept replaying their discussion in her head over and over, but the reality of the break-up still hadn’t sunk in. As long as she hadn’t accepted that he had left her, she had no reason to tell anyone else about it. Every time she thought about telling Zoey, she pictured the gasp of surprise and look of horror on her sister’s face. And that would be a mild reaction. She fought the image of the relief and pity she would see on her father’s face. And she most of all refused to imagine the press stories.
Zoey was still prattling on about something when Ellie finally snapped.

“Will you just leave me alone? I’ve had enough of all this stupid shit. Give me a freaking day off! I hate this goddamn wedding already!”

“Are you all right?”

“I’m fine. I just need some space.”

“But the wedding is less than a week away and you still have...”

“Just a day. Please, don’t be mad at me, but you have to leave. I need some time alone.”

“Ellie, what’s wrong?”

“There’s nothing wrong, I just want some time to get myself together. You don’t seem to understand, but I don’t give a damn about the social significance of the wedding. For me, it’s not just a party, OK? It’s a life-time commitment and I... Zoey, please. I have to think.”

Zoey stood up, and took her purse. She shook her head, looking at Ellie.

“Something’s definitely wrong. I’m leaving, but I’m telling mom.”

“There’s nothing to tell her. I just...”

“...need some time alone. I got it. I’m coming back tomorrow.”

“Bye, Zoey.”

Ellie closed the door behind her sister, but she did not feel relieved. Not by a long shot. Because now she had nothing to do but think about John. The two sleepless nights that had passed had made her suspect that he was right. She had doubts. Stronger than the abstract “nothing is forever”. She doubted his love, and his commitment. And worst of all, she doubted her own feelings.

The intercom buzzed loudly, startling her. She didn’t know how much time had passed since Zoey had left, but it was already dark outside.

“Yes?” she said into it.

“It’s your mother. Let me in immediately!”

The First Lady’s voice held all the assertiveness of her privateer ancestor. Ellie pushed the button to let her in, and unlocked the door. The day was just getting better and better.

Abbey Bartlet’s concerned expression melted away Ellie’s defensive attitude. Before she even knew it, Ellie had flung herself into her mother’s arms, shaking. Abbey held her, and told her that everything was going to be all right, waiting for her to compose herself a little.

“What are you doing here?” Ellie said at last.

“Zoey,” Abbey said, as though that explained everything. “She said, and I quote, you were ‘acting weird’.”

“So I’m not allowed to have some time to myself without being weird?” Ellie felt her annoyance rising all over again, but her mother knew that she was trying to avoid an interrogation just as her father would, and she cut her off before she could get herself worked up.

“What’s happened, Ellie?”

“He left.”

“John?”

“Yes!”

“Did you two have a fight?”

“It wasn’t even a fight. He just came over two days ago, and told me he’s leaving me.”

“He didn’t give you any reason?”

“Oh, he said something about me having doubts, and other stupid nonsense.”

Sensing that there would be no more tears, at least for now, Abbey found a handkerchief in her purse and wiped her daughter's face, the way she used to do years ago.

“But you do have doubts, don’t you?”

“Who doesn’t? I mean, I was ready to take a chance, and marry him. What more could he ask for?”

“He wants everything. But you’re afraid. And I think John knows this. He’s giving you time to make this choice.”

“He’s not giving me any time. He left me, Mom!”

“You’re afraid because he doesn’t fit the image of the man you thought you’d marry.”

“Come on, Mom! What could you know about that?”

“I know you had a crush on Leo since you were a teenager, and you’ve always measured the men in your life by his standard.”

Ellie froze. That was her deepest secret. How did her mother know? But the surprises had not stopped with this revelation. As her mother kept talking, Ellie’s reality kept changing.

“You assumed you’d fall in love with someone like him, but as it so happened you fell in love with John, who is very different. Let me tell you something: it’s OK to marry him, as long as you love him.”

She was listening to her mother, in shock. Was she making a case for John?

“You should give him a chance, Ellie. A real chance. You shouldn’t be afraid to love him back.”

She was amazed to hear that last word. Although her mother had always been supportive of her choice, this was the first time she said she believed that John loved her.

“Do you love him?” Abbey asked.

“Yes. And it scares the hell out of me.”