John's Quest

John's Quest

By: Abra de Winter

Beta By: dot - without her help the story would not be nearly as good as it is. Any mistakes left in the story - all mine

Pairing: John Hoynes/Ellie Bartlet - Romance

Rating: G

Spoilers: season 5 episodes 15 – "Full Disclosure" and 16 – "Eppur si muove"

Disclaimer: The characters are from the NBC, WB, Bravo, A John Wells Prod., TV show'The West Wing'. They are the creation of Aaron Sorkin.

Feedback: pretty please!


Chapter XIII

Two weeks before the wedding, in Ellie’s apartment

“I think we should have a pre-nup,” Ellie said, in a conversational tone.

“Why? Do you plan on leaving me?”

His tone was casual, and he was smiling, but he was worried.

“No. It’s just that you never know how things change. We should at least consider having one.”

It was not the first time she had steered the conversation this way. Maybe she was doing it unconsciously, but she had brought up the subject of a possible break up several times in the past few weeks.

“Some things will not change. How I feel about you, for instance.”

Her jaw locked for a second, before she answered, and he knew she must have censored the first reply that had come to mind. She did that a lot lately, he realized, but he tried to ignore both the gesture, and its possible meaning.

“Oh, come on, it’s not unreasonable,” she said making an effort to keep the same casual tone. “I can’t believe I’m the one asking you for a prenuptial agreement. You’re the one who has more to lose. I’m just a poor scientist. I don’t want people to think that I’m taking advantage of you.”

“I don’t think there’s any danger of that.”

“Because I’m the President’s daughter? Well, he’s not going to be President for ever. If we break up...”

“Divorce,” he interrupted her curtly. “It would be a divorce. Nothing as easy and uncomplicated as a break up. You shouldn’t be afraid to use the right term.”

He saw that she had sensed the anger beneath this tirade, but he couldn’t help it. He saw on her face that expression he had begun to fear. The one he interpreted as “what the hell am I doing with this guy?”

“I don’t understand why you’re so upset. We’re just talking.”

“No. You’re talking about it. I’m not.”

He stood up. He was not at all sure of what he might say if he stayed any longer. The mere idea that they might need a prenuptial agreement was making his blood boil. They weren’t even married yet and already she was thinking of a way out.

“I have to go. I have an early meeting tomorrow.”

“Don’t leave like this! John!”

John appreciated the effort, but he had no wish to be dragged into a fight.

“Good bye, Ellie,” he said, and kissed her formally on her cheek.

“Fine! Good bye! I’m right about this!” he heard her say as he closed the door behind him.

________________________________________


The next day


CNN breaking news:
“Johns Hopkins” hospital quarantined as a result of anthrax threats. FBI officials declared that the threats are serious, and all suspect packages inside the hospital are being carefully analyzed.

Fifteen minutes before the CNN announcement the senior staff of the West Wing had gathered outside the Oval Office.

“Does anybody know? Is Ellie there?” Will asked in a strangled voice.

“Margaret is calling her right now,” Leo answered, looking at his wrist watch. The President was receiving the new Swiss ambassador, and he hadn’t been told yet.

When the door of the Oval Office opened everyone from Leo to Will tensed up even more. They watched as Charlie led the Ambassador out, and they envied the fact that he would not being around when President Bartlet learned about this particular crisis. Just as he passed them, Margaret rushed up to speak to Leo.

“She’s in there,” she whispered.


________________________________________


John Hoynes looked at his cell phone in annoyance. Who the hell was sending him an SMS in the middle of an important meeting? His features did not lighten when he saw it was from Ellie. The content was elliptic enough to annoy him even more: “i’m ok.”

‘Good for you,’ he said to himself, thinking of their last conversation. He was already feeling guilty about what he considered to be an overreaction. He had stormed out like a soap opera character, without having a mature, rational discussion. He knew only one way out of this situation; he’d buy her flowers, take her out to dinner and apologize, even if he believed he was right. It had always worked in the past. His troubles had started once he had stopped apologizing.

An hour later, he was driving back to his office when he heard the news of the quarantine of Johns Hopkins on the radio. He turned the car around, and headed for the White House. He tried calling her on her cell phone, but all he got was the voice mail. That meant that the security measures were so severe that once quarantine was instated, they suspended all communications with the exterior. She must have barely had the time to send him that short message before the FBI confiscated her cellphone.


________________________________________


“Leo, Mr. John Hoynes is in the lobby. He’s asking to see you,” Margaret said.

Ten minutes later, a frantic John Hoynes was entering Leo McGarry’s office.

“What’s going on, Leo? How serious is it?” he asked.

“John, you know I can’t discuss matters of...”

“Dammit, I have to know! Is she in danger?” he interrupted Leo.

“We don’t have all the details.”

For some reason, Leo seemed almost to enjoy seeing him distressed. He knew Leo was under no obligation to inform him, as Ellie’s fiancé, of the situation. Actually, he was expressly forbidden to discuss security matters with people who did not have clearance.

“LEO!” John’s shout carried outside the office walls. “Please,” he added.

Leo’s glare became slightly less fierce. John knew that the thought of him and Ellie together probably turned Leo’s stomach, but he hoped that Leo would believe that his love for Ellie was real. He had put aside his pride to come into the White House, and beg for news of her. He stood, waiting, and Leo finally relented.

“It’s serious,” Leo began. “There is confirmation that anthrax is present in the building. We still don’t know if any envelopes containing anthrax have been opened. There are no casualties yet.”

“Oh, God!” John sat down hard and buried his head in his hands. “What’s being done?”

“Everything possible, as you can imagine. Listen, John, I have to leave. I’m the only thing stopping the President declaring martial law in Baltimore.”

“It’s OK, Leo. I understand. I’m going to Baltimore anyway. Please call me if there’s any news.”

“It’s going to be all right. You’ll see.”

“Thank you.”

“She’s a tough kid.”

“We had a small disagreement yesterday,” he heard himself say. “I was going to surprise her tonight and take her to dinner to apologize.”

“You’ll take her to dinner to celebrate.”

“From your lips to God’s ears.”


________________________________________

He had never driven so fast in his life. The damn news bulletins were painfully scarce on details about the crisis at Johns Hopkins. They did mention every time that the President’s daughter was one of the doctors quarantined inside the Institute.

And Leo wasn’t calling!

John’s mind was emptied of all the usual worries, which now seemed completely insignificant. His heart seemed to beat to the rhythm of one intense, overwhelming wish: “Let her be all right!”

He hardly knew when he arrived in Baltimore.

For three long hours, John waited on the other side of the security barrier. When he finally saw Ellie walking out of the building, he didn’t dare to believe that she was real. She looked slightly paler than usual, but otherwise she was as beautiful as ever. And she was smiling at him.

Ellie walked like a goddess to him, ignoring the reporters’ questions and the television cameras. She walked straight into his arms. He held her tightly and closed his eyes, trying to control the sensation of relief.


________________________________________

A few hours later, John was alone in his flat. He was staring out the window, unable to stop thinking about the events of that day. He couldn’t remember ever being so frightened. The thought that he might lose her was unbearable. He didn’t want to leave her ever again, but to his surprise, Ellie did not ask him to stay. When he had suggested it, she had said that she was too tired to be good company.

He could have insisted. He could have said he wanted to know she was safe. He could have told her the truth; that he wanted to be with her for the rest of his life.

So why hadn’t he said anything?

He looked at the city stretched outside his window. Just like him, Washington could not sleep. The question awaited patiently for his answer. Why?

He sighed, and went to bed. He felt defeated, although he thought he had long ago abandoned all games.

He had not insisted because he knew, and he had known for a while, that Ellie did not need him nearly as much as he needed her. Before his head hit the pillow, he knew what he had to do.


________________________________________


The next day

It was the most painful thing he had ever done. It might have compared vaguely with his resignation of the Vice Presidency. It resembled, a little better, one particularly bitter autumn afternoon some years earlier, when he had first suspected that Suzanne had stopped loving him.

He made an effort to look at Ellie. She seemed genuinely shocked and hurt. He gathered his forces again, and continued his arguments.

“You’re young, Ellie. You can endure a divorce and move on, but I can’t. I simply can’t do it on the basis of ‘let’s try it and see if it works’ any longer. I need to know it’s forever. Till death do us part.”

“Nothing is forever. There are no guarantees. Don’t you think I’d like to be sure that I’m going to love you all my life? Can you guarantee me that you won’t do anything to hurt me?”

“Yes, I can. Because I love you. And that’s never going to change.”

“You don’t know that. You might get bored. You could find someone else. It’s not like you haven’t done it before!”

There it was. His past. He had been naïve to think that she wouldn’t doubt his words, after his deeds had spoken so loudly.

“After all this time, you still don’t trust me? You still think that I’m the same man who made those mistakes? I thought you knew me better by now.”

“I believe that you love me now and you think that’s the way it’s always going to be, but you can’t be sure of that. When you married Suzanne, did you ever think you’d end up cheating on her?”

“You don’t know all there is to know about my marriage. I had my share of guilt and that’s all the public has ever seen. Do you really think it could have been entirely my fault?”

“You cheated on her! Whatever her faults, she couldn’t possibly let that slide.”

“Well, she did. Several times. And she was only too happy to do it while it remained secret. Do you think we have the same sort of relationship? I know I’ll never have enough of you, and I’ll never get bored with you. You’d never allow it.”

“Then why do you want to cancel the wedding? If you’re so sure we’ll live happily ever after?”

“Because you’re not. You still have doubts about me, and if you don’t trust me, you might just leave me one day.”

“So this is a pre-emptive break up.”

“Yes. Don’t worry, you’ll get over me in a month or two.”

“What if I don’t? What if I don’t get over you in a month? Or a year? Or ever?

“See, baby, if you loved me, there wouldn’t be any ‘what ifs’.”

“But, John...” she tried to protest.

“Good bye, Ellie.”

He brushed his lips against her forehead. That delicate touch had all the weight of a painful, final goodbye kiss.