Senseless

So we come back from the mission and Jesse's gone off to sleep bcos of the drugs Adam gave him, on the flight back. I have to carry him to his room, and Shalimar wants to stay with him.. much to my chagrin. Who the hell she thinks she is.. his mother?
Oh I know I know.. she was in his life before me, and the bond between them.. its.. I cant explain it. And I respect it. All I know is, when she saye’s e’s staying.. she’s staying.
I quietly close the door and turn around only to walk into Emma. And the look on her face tells me she knows everything now. She smiles at me sheepishly.
“In moments of crisis, people tend to let their mental shields down. Jesse was kind of.. broadcasting all over the place. I couldn’t help overhearing.”
….
y toy to walk past but she refuses to be ignored.
“Brennan.”
“What?”
“You’re broadcasting too.”
“I’m broadcasting what?”
“.. that you love him. That you… you want to be with him.”
See why Emma had no friends growing up?
“Emma I really.. don’t wanna talk about this….
….
“Okay” and she turns around to leave. Uh-oh.
“Hey wait a minute. You.. you’re not gonna push this?”
“You want me to?”
“Hell yes!”

So okay I’m a jerk. Not too good with expressing emotions and all.. but talking to Emma .. have to admit.. it always helped. It puts things in perspective, and today she's helped me realize why Jesse’s sudden aloofness was bothering me so much. Why I couldn’t let go this time. Why the fear of something happening to Jesse had clawed at my entire being throughout the mission today. It was cos.. I love him too. I do.
So there you have it. The whole truth.. and nothing but the truth. How Brennan Mulwray fell in love! Again. Second time actually. The first time was… well.. lets just say, it didn’t go so well.. what with the love of my life turning out to be so much the mad scientist only wanting to harness me as a source of free electricity.
So Not well that I couldn’t trust anyone for a very very long time and I had sworn to all the Gods in the sky that I would never.. ever do it again. Never be in love again.
Forgive me Lord.
But love is too strong for me to fight anymore. Jesse… sweet Jesse.. his smile, his laughter.. his innocence, his blind faith in me.. too strong.
Yeh yeh I admit.. the kid aint just another lay no more. He is the owner of my heart, the temptation of my soul.. the life of my life.. yaddi yadda yadda. Not too good with mushy words am I.. ?.. thought as much.

Emma swears to keep our secret until we sort things out.. and tell Adam and Shalimar ourselves. We’ll get to that.. eventually. Right now, I have to sort things out with Jesse himself. I need to tell him that I.. I love him too. That.. I want us to be.. oh what the hell.. I want us to be committed to each other. No daytime camouflages. No Ashley.. no Daniel(le), no one whatsoever. And this is when I mentally kick myself for sitting next to a telepath while musing privately.
“You know.. Danielle really is a girl..”
“What?”
“I introduced them myself. She’s the daughter of the genetics professor we met last month remember?”
….
Oh-kay.
“Doesn’t matter. That’s not my concern.” And I am not just saying it. Suddenly.. it really didn’t matter.
….
“He was playing me wasn’t he?”
“No he wasn’t Brennan. Way I see it.. he was trying everything possible to discourage your interest in him. He was trying to fall out of love with you.”

Yes I can understand that. Experience tells me the best way to keep a relationship from getting too sentimental is by not keeping it exclusive. Fidelity brings trust and strengthens bonds.
Infidelity snaps them in an instant.
Jealousy is something I didn’t have much experience with, until recently. The thought of Jesse with anyone else, man or woman, was doing to me what it must have done to Jesse when he saw me leaving his bed to go to Ashley. Or even in the day, when I shamelessly enjoyed my near-celebrity status and he stuck to being as invisible as possible. Oh kid.

And he was only trying to keep things as uncomplicated between us as possible by not telling me about his real feelings. Unrequited love in the workplace… not too conducive when you need to be totally undistracted and when you need to trust each other with your lives! It occurs to me that Jesse never did bullshite me. All the reasons he gave me were truly true. Jesse… my sweet Jesse.

I get up.
“Where you going?”
“To Jesse. I cant let Shalimar hog him all day.”
Emma giggles. The lady looks young and delicate.. but she has immense wisdom and strength of mind.. something I need to work on myself.
“Thanks Emma.”
“No problem. Good luck.” She winks at me.. and walks away. And I hear her in my head..
“And don’t tell Shalimar you borrowed her shackles.. she’ll be real pissed.”
I laugh and head toward Jesse’s room again.

One short of feeling.
One short of sanity. One short of any intelligence whatsoever. One moron. One dorko.
Whats my point? Nothing really.. I rant. I rant when I’m anxious, or excited, or in a huge hurry to get something done. And right now, I’m all of the above.
I need to tell Jesse I love him. I need to hold him, kiss him, dry off the tearsaw saw in his eyes this morning and didn’t do a damn thing about. And I need to see him smile. To hear him say that he forgives me for getting him almost killed… and that he still wants me.. still loves me.
Jesse loves me! And life is perfect.

I am smiling as I open the door to Jesse’s chamber. He isn’t sleeping. He’s sitting with Shalimar.. they’re sharing a joke or something and look up when I walk in. He’s smiling at me. And he likes what he sees in my eyes too. I need to kiss those lips Right now. But something tells me, I need to get Shalimar out of the way first and that seems a very difficult task right now. Or is it?
“Shalimar.”
“Yes Brennan.”
Something in her voice.. in her smile..?
“Could you please gve us a minute?”
“What for? So you can put him in shackles again?” And she’s holding up the rings in one hand as Jesse blushes furiously beside her. I left them there in plain sight… bumbling idiot that I am.
“Get lost you!” Jesse is screaming pleasantly at her.
She laughs and gets up. She kisses him on the head while he pretends to get annoyed even as he laughs. Then she turns to me and gives me a mock stern look. She doesn’t seem so pissed I stole her shackles after all does she?
She walks to the door and calls out behind her, “Breakfast at eight boys.”
And she’s gone. I turn to Jesse.

“You think we can make it for breakfast kid?”
He’s glowing. I think I have seen that look of sheer happiness on his face before. And I’m proud to report I was responsible for it then as well.
“I doubt it.”
“So do I.”

Yep. Life is definitely… perfect.

… END …