To Sail as Men (Horatio Hornblower)

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To Sail As Men
By The Ragged Rose

"I will attend…presently." I don't recall what Mr. Bracegirdle said to me then, nor my answer, but he was apparently satisfied for he smiled and took his solid presence down the quarterdeck ladder.

I stayed where I was, wrapping myself about the rig as I had lately been ldedlded by my captain. I could still hardly believe what had happened, but the memories were sweet and true. I savored them, there in the relative solitude of the quarterdeck.

When he first took me in his arms, he sighed, and I felt something leave him. It was as if one tension was replaced with another. I could feel the passion he had kept in check vibrate through him, as it ran deliciously through me, warming my heart even as it filled my body with fire. I realized then what it had cost him to sit there, calmly discussing my future. I understood now that all I had wanted was this.

I had been surprised at his invitation to have a glass together. The wine was nothing compared to the twin fires of his admiration and his criticism. I wanted more of it, and of him. My rush into folly was rewarded. As I touched my captain for the first time, I knew what he had said was true. Daring was rewarded when it was paired with judgement, and the experience I had yet to gain. Without them I would never rise in the service. Without them I would never have had what I most desired. Experience would come in time, but I had been right in my judgement this time. He wanted me in equal measure.

Our lips met, fire leaping high as it met fire. He tasted of the claret he had shared with me. The taste of him that lay behind it was strange and wonderful, and I was drowning in it, as I was in the smell of him. Tar and tobacco mingled with his scent and I could not tell where one ended and the other began. I didn't want to. The thick wool of his coat was suddenly a greater obstacle between us than even the gold upon it had been, and I pulled at it, impatient for it to be gone.

"Have you not learned yet the value of taking your time, Mr. Hornblower?" Pellew's amused tone made me drop my hands, though I didn't let go of him, nor he of me. His breath, rough in my ears, told me far more than his words did.

"I thought you admired initiative in your officers, sir."

He chuckled. "So I do, sir!" He caressed my cheek and slid his hand into my hair. "But some things are meant to be savored." He pulled my lips up to meet his again.

Once again I was drowning in him, and glad to have it so. The fire swept over me, through me, and it ran deliciously through my knees, making it difficult to stand there, pressed up against him in the soft lantern light. His hands seemed to burn through my uniform as they passed passionately over my back, seemed to trail sparks as they found their way into my hair or stroked my throat where the neckcloth allowed them the freedom of bare skin.

The fabric of his coat was rough against my fingers, and I slipped them under it to feel the heat of him through waistcoat and shirt. He didn't protest this time, only tightened his arm across my back, moaning slightly into my open mouth. His tongue and his body melded with mine. I lost myself in the feelings, as I had nearly lost myself on the deck of the fireship. The passion that I had kept carefully hidden for so long had found willing fuel at last. I gave myself to him fully, as I had given myself for the helpless ships in the harbor earlier. How different, and how similar it was. My body responded willingly to Pellew's command, as my hands had earlier turned the wheel in response to Foster's direction.

When he let me go I felt as if I'd been cut adrift. His hands were not altogether steady as I watched them take off the gold-laced coat. He dropped it across the chair he had been sitting in and turned again to me.

I was swallowed up in that gaze. His warm brown eyes were open to me in a way they never had been. His lips curved softly, moist and inviting. He crossed to me again, and stood before me. I sensed him trying to pull the shreds of his former reserve about him again, and it only made me want him the more. "Sir-I"

"Edward, Horatio. " His voice was quiet, almost regretful. "I think we've come too far for it to be otherwise." He clasped his hands behind him. "Unless you would wish it to be so?"

The deck seemed to tilt under me. I had not mistaken his desire, but was there something else, something I had overlooked in my inexperience and my haste to have him? "No, Edward," I said quickly. "Would you?"

He smiled sadly. "I should have sent you away long before it came to this." His eyes met mine again. "No, Horatio, of course not. But you must be free to refuse what would be seen as a shameful and unclean alliance. I would not have you submit to me simply because I was your commanding officer--"

I crossed the room and put a gentle hand to his mouth. Why had I not seen the fear that lay in those eyes before, along with the desire? All I wanted to do was banish it from him, but my own inexperience was a barrier to me. "I want you, Edward. I think I've wanted you for a long time, before I knew what it meant to want another man. I want you to touch me as you have been, and show me the ways men might bring pleasure to each other." I stopped, not knowing what to say and fearing I had already said too much.

Pellew took my hand in his, freeing his mouth to speak. "Horatio, I will not destroy your innocence, and I will not abuse an officer under my command."

I had said too much! His eyes were shocked, horrified at my disclosure. I dropped mine to the deck. The checkered canvas swam before them. "I could have no kinder teacher, Edward." I raised my eyes, knowing that if I didn't, I would be sent from the cabin like a child. "Nor one more honorable." I stepped forward before he could protest further, and kissed him again.

I was determined to remain in control this time, but I could not master this fire, any more than I could stop the fireship's passage through the harbor. Desire sparkled through me, strongest where our bodies touched, but invading every part of me. I pressed my hardness against him, felt his own stiff weapon meet mine. His lips muffled my cry as we ground against each other. I kissed his face, his neck, the saltiness of him only making me want more. The slight smoky taste of him was overpowering. I smelled again the burning ship as I burned for Edward. His arms wound around me, found their way under my shirt. I cried out as they met at last my bare flesh.

Immediately Pellew stopped. Our hoarse breathing filled the cabin. "There are some things even a captain may not do openly, Horatio," he said." What we give each other must be given quietly." He smiled wolfishly, and I knew that I had nothing to fear. "Consider it a cutting-out of sorts and muffle your oars, sir."

I grinned back, and took the opportunity to slip out of my own coat. My shirt was practically out of my trousers by now and I longed to feel the cool air on my burning skin. "I shall remember that, sir." I began to unbutton my waistcoat.

Pellew brushed my hands away from the buttons. He began to undo my neckcloth. I closed my eyes as his fingers grazed my throat, but I was determined to remain silent. He tossed the strip of black silk onto my discarded coat, and pulled me to him again. His lips met the hollow of my throat. Briefly, I felt his teeth, and I had to fight for the silence he had imposed. I felt his fingers at the buttons of my waistcoat, moving surely and inexorably upward, even as his lips moved down. I was panting as if I'd just raced to the top of the mainmast and back.

When he pulled away, his state was hardly better than mine, I was gratified to see. Quickly I shed my loosened upper garments. I stood there and let him gaze upon me. I felt utterly revealed, but his open admiration was arousing, rather than embarrassing. I felt myself harden further, if that was possible.

"You are more beautiful than I'd imagined," he said at last. When he put his fingers to his own buttons they were shaking. I did as he had and pulled them away. "Let us see if I have learned my lesson well, sir," I whispered. Pellew's eyes fluttered closed as I undid his neckcloth, as he had mine. When his hands came down on my bare shoulders, I almost lost control, but I was determined to learn from his example. I freed the buttons quickly, but with care, and pulled the fine linen shirt from his breeches. I heard him gasp as I filled my hands with his bare flesh. I wanted to touch him everywhere, and tried to.

He pushed me back, his eyes smoky with passion. He shed shirt and waistcoat and dropped them to the deck. I stayed where I was as he mastered himself. I could not believe that I had caused this, that I had such power over my captain. It matched the power he had always held over me. I was struck once again at the strength of the man, his nobility and his courage. He was willing to show this face to me, and would have sent me from the cabin rather than hurt me in any way. I knew what he risked to share himself with me now, and it only deepened thesionsion and admiration I felt for him. I think that it was then that I truly fell in love with him. The emotion that filled me could be nothing else, though I had never known it before. I would do anything for him, I would lay down my life for this man, if only to know that he would live on after.

He took the lantern from the bulkhead, then took me by the hand and led me to his sleeping n. In. I ducked automatically as I entered. He turned from me and set the light in its gimbaled sconce next to the head of the cot. Suddenly, I was out of my depth. I knew nothing of what might come next, and events were moving faster than I could take them in. He seemed to sense that, and simply held me close for a moment.

"Horatio, there need be no more than this, if you don't wish it."

"I want to please you, Edward," I said, my face muffled into his shoulder. "I want to know you."

He stroked my back gently, and I wanted to cry. Where had the fire that had threatened to overcome me gone? I reached for him, but he pushed my hands gently away.

"No, Horatio, I would not have you so. What you have given me already is more than I would ever have asked. You have pleased me, no man better." He stroked my hair, ran his hand along my cheek. His voice was hypnotic, and his touches were laying the uneasiness to rest. "I want no more of you than you are ready to give, love. I would not have you simply submit to my desires, I wish to bring you pleasure as well."

I felt the first tinglings of returning desire. His hands were warm, and his touches soft and sure. His hand slid down my bare back once again, and I felt myself press against him again, as the fire filled me.

"Yes, my Horatio," he whispered. "I will accept nothing less from you." His lips found my throat again. I wound my fingers into his hair. He slipped down my body, kissing trails down my chest, my arms. I was lost in the sensations. I felt his fingers at my trouser buttons, felt the flap undone and pushed aside. I was suddenly embarrassed, for I wore nothing underneath. My linens had long since worn out, and I was barely able to keep myself in stockings. I wore simple slop trousers to hide the shabbiness of those I had left. My last clean pair was still soaked from the time I had spent in the water, and tonight I wore none.

I needn't have worried. As my manhood sprang free into his waiting hand, he growled, the sound vibrating through my shoulder. I felt his teeth at the place where it joined my throat. He let me go long enough to undo the buttons that held the waistband closed, then pushed the garment off my hips. I kicked my shoes off and stepped out of the canvas pooled about my feet. Once again, the admiring gaze of my captain enfolded me. The scant light of the lantern tinged his skin with gold, made his hair almost black.

"You have the advantage of me, sir," I said, looking pointedly at his breeches.

"I do at that, Mr. Hornblower." He chuckled and divested himself of his own lower garments. He stood there a moment, letting me look at him as he had at me. How beautiful, and how rare, I thought, as the ki she sherry-colored light revealed him to me. The lines made by his cuffs and his neckcloth were softened in it, the whiteness of the rest of his body less stark than it would have been. As I gazed on it, I realized that I was seeing that which no one else aboard did, save his servant. I knew my own flesh was burned brown. As a mere midshipman, I could swim with the men with no loss of dignity. I could never recall having seen Pellew do so, though I knew that he was as comfortable in the water as he was on the quarterdeck. The tales of his prowess were as legendary as Foster's. Unbidden, thoughts of the other captain came to me. I realized what a popinjay he was, and how taken I had been by tales of bravery. I hadn't seen the true man through my hero worship, and I must have hurt the man before me deeply.

Pellew sat on the cot, and held his hand out to me. "I hope the sight of me does not displease you, " he said.

"Oh, no, sir," I sputtered. I touched the outstretched hand. "I can think of no one I'd rather look at." I kissed it gently.

The fan of hemp cords that held the cot to the deckhead creaked softly as he shifted forward. He pulled me to him, into the canvas cradle. As his lips met mine, desire took over. I opened my mouth and pressed myself against him wantonly. He met me with equal force. Nothing had ever felt so good! It was as if every inch of my flesh was alive, burning with the pleasure he brought. I groaned as our cocks rubbed against each other. The wave of passion crested. My body betrayed me and I spilled myself there in his arms.

The pleasure receded, dropping me from heaven to hell. I hid my head in his shoulder as I tried to master myself. I wanted to crawl from the cabin in shame. He held me, his unsatisfied state obvious from the rigid length that pressed into my softening one. He stroked me, laying soft kisses on my neck, my shoulder. "I'm sorry--"

"For what?" Pellew's fingers slipped through my hair. "I could have no better evidence that you do indeed desire me, Horatio." His hands were gentle, but possessive, and I began to touch him back.

"But your own desires--"

"Can wait. I have already had far more from you tonight than I ever expected."

Long minutes passed as we learned each other there in the soft light. I did want more, knew that he wanted it too. I wished desperately for the experience to know what would please him and what would cause him to send me away. I ran my hand down his chest, rubbed my cheek against his throat. His back arched as I began to kiss his neck again , and slowly stroked his belly. I ran my hands along his flanks. He hissed in pleasure as I stroked his backside. I felt my own cock begin to rise again as he pressed himself into me.

He felt it too, for he opened his eyes and smiled at me. The smile turned to an openmouthed gasp as I met his thrust. Our cocks were slippery with my seed. He was lost to his passion then, as I had wanted him to be. He thrust against me forcefully. His soft groans inflamed me, his hands clutched at my arse. I was as lost as he. I could barely manage to obey his command to be quiet. I felt him stiffen as the fire crested in me once again. I felt myself consumed by it, felt myself falling into a place I had never been. I came to myself gathered close in Edward's arms. I felt sleepy, and almost too satisfied to move. His fingers moved through my hair, along my cheek. This time they brought only peace. I fought to keep my eyes open, but this battle was one I could not win. I slept curled in my captain's arms.

As I stood on the quarterdeck the next day, I still carried the peace that had filled me in his cabin, and in his presence. I had come so far in scarcely twenty-four hours! It was as if I had left my boyhood behind in just that short time. His words and his touch had shown me just how far I had yet to come. I hoped that I would be equal to the challenge, as I prayed that the night before would not be the only time I would know his touch.

THE END