Flat Aback (Horatio Hornblower)

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Flat Aback
By The Ragged Rose

When I invited Hornblower to my cabin that night, my only intent had been to acknowledge his extraordinary courage, and to thank him for saving my--our--ship. He had come so far in such a short time! The headstrong lad I had disciplined in that very cabin had grown, matured to manhood before my eyes. I was indeed proud of him, and proud to have him under my command.

I brought the decanter to the table and dealt out two glasses beside it. "I've witnessed many an act of courage, sir, but that must surely rank among the most memorable." I poured for us both." My men owe you their lives, and I owe you my ship."

He filled what could have become an awkward silence with an inquiry about his examination. I was grateful, for it gave me the opportunity to speak frankly to him, about things that had nothing to do with my darker feelings for him, and everything to do with his future, and the ways of the service. Offering him guidance was a positive joy, and I was quite prepared to accept the fact that that was all I could ever have of him. I wasn't prepared for the rush of heat that filled me at his nearness. I covered my sudden embarrassment by crossing to the stern windows. Whatever my personal feelings, I had no intention of inflicting them on a subordinate, no matter how he stirred me. Later, perhaps, when he had attained the rank that still separated us, when we could meet as equals. I allowed myself the luxury of a fantasy as a means of keeping myself from greater folly. I filled the dangerous silence that could have fallen over us with words. "It has been an honor to serve with you." I raised my glass to him.

It was as if he saw right through me. He smiled, that disarming full-lipped countenance eroding my resolve. His eyes never left my face, but he knew how he had stirred me. I had never in my life felt so exposed before a man under my command, or so aroused by his discreet scrutiny. He emptied his glass and set it on the table. I knew that I should end the interview there, but I didn’t. It seemed wrong to send him away because of my weakness, and I would be damned if I would admit, even to myself, that he held such power over me! I had so much more to say to him, things that were part of my duty as his commander. Honor demanded that I say them, and I admitted to myself that I would be proud to have this man as my follower. It was a far nobler motive for keeping him there than my baser desires, after all. He had earned so much more than I could grant him, and his unsubtle questions concerning his examination showed me just how much he had to learn about the world of influence and promotion. Honor and courage he had in full measure, but his lack of polish could cost him dearly.

I pulled up a chair, and motioned to him to do the same. I poured us both another glass. Having the table between us helped me to push aside the unacceptable feelings, even as it gave me a measure of privacy.

“Look here, Hornblower, there’s a difference between ambition and folly. You’d do well to remember that.”

“I hope I have known that, sir.” He looked at me forthrightly, and didn’t touch the full glass beside him.

I picked up mine and took a slow swallow, to give myself time to think of that which I could express freely to him. “You were lucky tonight, sir, extremely lucky. This time, your rush into folly was rewarded, but ill ill not always be so.” How close I had come to losing him! I pushed such thoughts aside. “Before tonight, Captain Foster would have cut your legs out from under you without a second thought.” I raised my hand to stop his reply. “What you did concerning the supplies could have made him an enemy for life-“

“I was only doing my duty, sir!”

Those limpid brown eyes were wide with indignation. I felt my mind fill with other thoughts, thoughts that stirred my lower regions to life. “You were—but such a narrow view of it will not serve you, Mr. Hornblower.” And a narrow view of our relations, one to the other, must serve me! I was grateful for the table between us. I knew I was playing with fire, but I also knew that I must continue to do so. It was my duty to provide guidance to the men under my command, and this man, of all of them, had certainly earned all that I could give to him. I resolved to temper myself in this flame, to learn something from it myself. No subordinate had ever stirred me as this one did, and if it could happen once, it could happen again. I knew I must face the test now, and not waver.

“I had a responsibility to the fleet, sir—“

“Yes, Mr Hornblower, you did,” I answered. “As did Captain Foster. If you choose to make a career in His Majesty’s Navy, you’d do well to learn not to cross a senior captain as you did.” As I warmed to my subject, I felt the desires he stirred become more manageable. “It’s a matter of respect, and of influence. How much do you expect to accomplish without the goodwill of those above you? You set your judgement above that of a much more experienced man.” I held up my hand again. “Yes, I know what he did. Foster’s known throughout the fleet as a loose cannon.”

“He’s a hero as well, admired by us all.” Hornblower sat uneasily across from me.

“By whom, sir? By young midshipmen, blinded by glory? What are the opinions of his fellow captains? Of the Admiralty?”

The brown eyes filled with confusion. “I don’t know, sir.”

He had never considered it, that much was clear. “Whatever his reputation, he is senior to you, sir, and today he nearly scuttled you in that examination room. By a singular act of bravery, you have managed to redeem yourself in his eyes, but you cannot expect such good fortune again. Luckily for you, Foster is as changeable as the wind.” And about as reliable, I thought to myself. “ You have the means to go far in the service, Mr. Hornblower. Don’t cripple yourself before you’ve started.” I picked up my glass, and so did he. I had pushed him off-balance, and I waited for him to find his footing. Damn it all, it only made him more desirable! That look of confusion, the openness and trust in his face as he considered my words.

“What would you have done, sir?” Hornblower set the glass down. He leaned slightly forward in his chair.

“What?” The question was unexpected, and I was the one who was unsure now.

“If you were on the port tack, had the cliffs of Dover under your lee, and the wind veered four points, taking you flat aback, sir?”

I felt for a moment as if that very thing had happened. “I’d have no business being there in the first place, sir!” I snapped the answer out. What an interesting parallel. Indeed, I was sailing far too close to a lee shore, and his questions were like the winds, veering and changing, threatening to run me ashore at every turn. I had to sail so, though, it was the place my duty had led me to. “If I had the sea room, I would wear ship, Mr. Hornblower.” As I should do now. He was so damnably close, so desirable. Only a foot or so of polished wood separated us.

“And if you didn’t?”

What was his design, I wondered? Was he trying to make me forget myself? His hand lay on the table, so very close to my own. I refused to give in to the desire to touch him. He was right. I didn’t have the sea room. I’d sailed too close to shore, and the shoals were waiting to rip my bottom out. “What sail am I carrying?”

I was gratified to see him taken aback. “I don’t know, sir.” He didn’t drop his eyes, though I knew he wanted to. “He did say that by now I was dismasted, sir.”

“And well he should have, Horatio,” I said. The words were out before I thought to stop them. The tone was hardly that of captain to subordinate, and I had used his Christian name as well. In my mind’s eye, sails slatted, flung back against masts, silhouetting them through wet canvas.

Hornblower blinked, then deliberately moved his hand to touch mine. His eyes never left my face.

As our fingers touched, fire raced through me.

“Wh-what are you doing, Mr. Hornblower?” My attempt at formality sounded pathetic, even to my ears. I knew I should withdraw my hand, but I was not strong enough to do so. I saw the rocky shore yawn wide before me.

“Rushing into folly, sir.” He smiled, and I thought I saw the same fire in his eyes. Surely it was only wishful thinking!

“What are your intentions?” I managed not to stammer, but I still could not take my eyes from his, nor my hand.

“To learn all I can, sir, and to repay you for your kindness. “ He dropped his eyes then. “I am sorry, sir, I didn’t intend—“

“Intend what, Mr. Hornblower?” I could hardly breathe. The cabin seemed stifling. “There is no need for payment, I am honored to have you under my command. I would never abuse my position—or you, Horatio.” This time, the tone, and the name were deliberate. “Who told you that such things were customary?” Who abused you, I wanted to demand.

“No one, sir.” He faced me squarely again. “And I would not consider it abuse, not from you, sir.”

“Do you have any idea what you’re saying?” I managed to repossess my hand at last.

“Yes.” His eyes were huge, dark in the lantern light. “I’m sorry, sir.” They dropped to the tabletop. “I thought you—I was mistaken, sir.”

“No, you were not.” I knew I should dismiss him now and never speak of this again, but we were both caught, trapped against a lee shore. There was no room to turn back. What had been said in this cabin could not now be wiped away, though it could destroy us both. I stood and walked to the stern windows, gazing at nothing. I knew the evidence of my desire made the flap of my breeches proud before me, but I could no longer lie to him. I was in command, and I must take the responsibility, even though the words had been his. “Rushing into folly indeed, Horatio.”

He stood as well, and I saw that he was as aroused as I was. What a rare and dangerous gift Providence had given us! He crossed the cabin to stand beside me.

For a long moment, we stood so, looking out to sea together. We had often stood thus on the deck just above our heads. The similarity, and the sudden feeling that we had come through something together calmed me. We had all the time we needed. I had never intended this, but I would face it honorably, and acknowledge the gift I had been given. When I finally turned to take him in my arms I knew that we had worn ship, and were safe at last.

THE END