Only In My Dreams

Title: Only In My Dreams

Author: JadeHeart

Fandom:  Torchwood

Warnings: Implied m/m sexual acts

Summary:  Jack tries to come to terms with Ianto’s death.

Author’s Note: Written for my dear friend, Gravitule – who is a great fan of Ianto and Torchwood at that time. I actually haven’t seen the series, apart from season 2 (courtesy of Gravitule!), however I find it really interesting listening to her talking about it and discussing things based on my limit exposure to the show. So as a way of saying ‘thank you’ to her, I wrote this story and another (Clean Up) just before leaving her home in Paris.

Disclaimer: I make no claim to the concept of  ‘Torchwood’, and I don't make any profit from this story.

 

-oOo-

Jack sat on the edge of the bed, head in his hands, still feeling the sweat drying on his skin. He stared at his feet, wondering what he was doing. He stood, shivering a little as the cool night air brushed over his naked body as he took the few steps from the bed and reached down to collect his clothes. A snuffling from the bed behind him made him turn, even in the darkness able to see the outline of a body lying there. The dim light penetrating through the half closed curtains provided enough light to show a young man lying on his stomach, one arm curled over his head, the other thrown across the bed, bedsheet crumpled low on his body, barely covering his naked buttocks. The aroma of sex still filled the room, even if Jack couldn't feel the stickiness on his own body to attest to what he had done.

He pulled his clothes on quickly, just wishing to quietly get out, leaving his bed partner none the wiser. It was not like he even knew his name, he had just been another random guy he had picked up at the bar he had stopped at last night, as he had been doing for so many nights. He had been drinking on his own when his eyes had met those of this good looking young man at the other end of the bar and one thing had swiftly led to another. Jack had skipped any preamble, easily slipping into his seductive mode and leaving the other guy in no doubt as to his intentions. It had taken no more than two more drinks before they had come back to this apartment. The sex had been hard and frenzied, clothes discarded quickly, hands used efficiently to raise enough desire for the act to be carried out. Jack couldn't deny that it had been pleasurable, finding his release more than satisfying, sating his lust again and again on the willing body beneath him, until his partner had finally fallen asleep or actually passed out. But in the silent moments after as Jack lay there staring at the ceiling, the soft breathing of a stranger at his side, the feelings he had been trying to forget had crept insidiously back into his mind, driving him away from that false comfort.

He dragged his shirt on, not bothering to button it, and draped his jacket over his shoulder as he pushed his feet into his shoes, socks being shoved into his pocket. On quiet steps he crept from the room and cautiously made his way to the front door, fumbling a little as he opened it and took great care to close it as quietly as possible behind him. He resisted the urge to run as soon as it was shut but still walked swiftly, forgoing the elevator and instead taking the stairs. He clattered down them and soon found himself abruptly in the cold early morning air, standing there for a moment, taking a deep breath, feeling the coldness chill his lungs.

He dragged his jacket on, doing up three buttons of his open shirt as a token gesture of modesty before beginning walking. He knew where he was going – it was always the same place he went to after this type of event. Every where was quiet, as though he were the only person left in this dark and silent world. Sometimes it felt exactly like that to him; no people, no traffic, no animals, not even the sound of the wind or running water. 

It took two hours of walking for him to reach his destination. The house before him was just as dark and silent as all those around him but there was a faint glow that came from the electric bell unobtrusively fixed at the side of the front door. That small pale light beckoned him, a lighthouse to his wandering ship, showing him the way. He pressed it once, paused, and then pressed it twice in quick succession. He didn't have long to wait before a light illuminated the interior and the sound of locks turning preceded the opening of the door. Gwen stood on the other side, ensconced in a large fluffy dressing gown against the cold. She looked Jack over from head to toe, taking in his half dressed state and disheveled appearance and stood aside so he could enter, closing the door behind him.

“Don't make any noise,” she warned him.

He nodded his acknowledgement, following her up the stairs even though he knew the way well. Gwen opened the door at the end of the corridor, turning on the light and letting Jack enter before her.

“Do you need anything?” she asked, watching as he shrugged out of his jacket, tossing it over a chair.

 He flashed her a broad smile. “How about a drink?” he said cheerily.

“I've think you've had enough,” she replied firmly. “I'll get you some water.”

She left and he could hear her returning down the stairs and the sound of running water, then her tread on the stairs again. She entered carrying a large water jug and glass, setting it on the bedside table.

 “There you go,” she said. “Anything else?”

He shook his head, sitting on the edge of the bed. “I'm good,” he said with a smile.

She didn't return his smile, her dark eyes seeming to see right through his facade of good humour. “No, you're not,” she stated archly. “When are you going to stop this?”

 “Can't blame a chap for enjoying a drink, can you?”

“That's not what this is about,” she said knowingly.

 “Don't worry,” he said, pulling his shirt off.

“Jack,” she began and then stopped, knowing that it was useless to say anything more. She knew that Jack understood what she was trying to say, and that he was just ignoring her as he had been for all this time. “Well, good night,” she said instead. “Try not to scare Rhys in the morning, will you?”

This was her usual warning ever since Jack had played a prank on her long-suffering husband one morning when he had been unaware that Jack was present in the house.

“Scout's honour,” Jack assured her, grinning.

She shook her head, indicating her disbelief in his sincerity but didn't bother saying anything more as she left and closed the door behind her.

Jack let himself fall backwards on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. He hated this time of the night as the euphoria of alcohol and sex was dissipating from his mind, when the thoughts filling his head were those he tried so hard to ignore.

“How long do you think you can go on like this?” 

Jack didn't move, just sighed before slowly sitting up. Ianto stood before him in the middle of the room, half frowning at him. He felt a little embarrassed at being seen in his current state but there wasn't any point in trying to fix it.

 “I'm not hurting anyone,” he said in his defense.

 “Except yourself,” Ianto answered, crossing his arms.

“It's been ... a difficult time,” Jack responded, elbows resting on his knees, hands hanging between them.

His old partner still frowned at him. “It's been a year, you know,” Ianto said, “You're not doing anyone any favours behaving like this.”

Jack shrugged. “I just have a bit of fun.”

“You call drinking heavily and bed hopping 'fun'?” Ianto scolded.

Jack looked a little sheepish. “They enjoy it.”

 “I don't doubt it,” Ianto said, turning and moving to take a seat on the window sill. “That was your forte after all.”

“You make it sound like I don't have any other good points,” Jack complained.

Ianto raise one eyebrow archly. “Do you?”

“Well,” Jack began, pausing for a moment and then searching for something to say and found himself struggling. “I'm good with a gun,” he finally settled on lamely.

Ianto didn't bother replying to that which spoke volumes in itself.

Jack lay down on his side on the bed, head pillowed on his hand so he could look at his lover. “I really screwed up, didn't I?” he finally said softly.

“What makes you say that?” Ianto asked, looking intently at Jack.

“I never said the things that I should have. Not to you.”

“What did you want to say?”

Jack rolled onto his back, throwing one arm across his eyes, hiding Ianto from his sight. “I never told you I loved you.”

“Did you want to tell me?” Ianto's voice reached him.

“Yeah, I did,” Jack replied in a strained voice.

 “So why didn't you? I don't remember ever asking you to.”

“You didn't,” Jack agreed, “But I did want to tell you. I should have told you.”

 “It's not something that you should just say for the sake of it,” Ianto said. “You're supposed to mean it.”

Jack removed his arm and turned his head so he could see Ianto again. “I did. I do,” was his heartfelt reply.

“So what stopped you back then?” Ianto asked. “It's not like there weren’t plenty of opportunities.”

“I thought I had time,” Jack replied, his voice choking a little. “I knew that you would go eventually, that was bound to happen and it wasn't something I could stop, but I didn't think you would leave me so soon.”

“You of all people should know how quickly events can change in life,” Ianto said.

I know,” Jack agreed, feeling the tightness in his chest increase. His eyes began to burn. “I made a mistake.”

The emotions that rushed over him now were overwhelming. He could feel the tears prickling at the corner of his eyes, reaching up a hand to scrub them away. They were useless now.

“You never liked showing your weakness in front of me,” Ianto said quietly. “You were always so sure of yourself to the point of being irritatingly cocky.”

“I wanted you to look up to me,” Jack admitted. “So you would rely on me.”

“That was rather pointless, don't you think?” Ianto said. “By being like that I always felt insecure, as though I wasn't good enough for you.”

“I never intended that,” Jack insisted. “I just wanted to you need only me so you would stay by my side.”

“Why didn't you just ask me?” Ianto replied. “I loved you so I had already made up my mind to stay with you for as long as you wanted me.”

Jack placed one hand over his eyes, hot tears falling at Ianto's words, wet against his palm. He had been a complete fool all that time, blind to everything this man had offered him, unable to see clearly what had been exactly in front of him. “Sorry,” he murmured brokenly, voice thick with emotion.

“I know,” Ianto replied.

Jack took his hand away, sniffing a little, looking again at Ianto. “I mean it, I'm really sorry.”

Ianto stood and paced across the floor. “So how does that justify what you are doing now? Is it supposed to make me feel better to see you like this?”

Jack suddenly felt dirty, the residue of his night's activities still sticking to his body in the form of sweat and dried semen. He now felt disgusted with Ianto seeing him like this.

“Sorry,” he said again.

Ianto sighed. “What for? For having sex? That's not like you.”

“For... I don't know. Everything.”

“That's covers an awful lot, don't you think?”

 “Yeah, it does. But not enough.” Jack sat up again, meeting Ianto's steady gaze. “I wish we could go back and do it all over again,” he said.

“You know it would probably turn out the same way,” Ianto said. “Life's got a funny way of doing that.”

“I would have tried to change  things though,” Jack insisted. “I would have done more for you, showed you that I really did love you.”

“It's nice to hear you finally say it, though it's sort of a little embarrassing,” Ianto said, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck.

“Not as embarrassing as saying it,” Jack said with a low laugh.

Ianto smiled at him. “You never get embarrassed about anything.”

“Sure I do. Sometimes. Maybe,” he amended as Ianto just looked at him in disbelief.

Ianto stepped forward and sat down on the bed next to Jack, barely two hand spans separating them.

 “You need to get yourself sorted out,” Ianto said firmly. “You can't keep going on like this.” Jack didn't say anything so Ianto continued. “I'm not saying you've got to be celibate or anything but stop trying to close yourself off to the possibility of finding someone. Try looking for a steady partner, someone you can trust. It's not like you have to marry them but this constant changing of partners will wear you out.”

 Jack smirked at that. “I've got a lot of stamina,” he said cockily.

Ianto snorted. “You would like to think so but even you will burn out, and then where will you be? Not to mention Torchwood. Get your priorities right for once.”

 “I've never been good at doing that,” Jack admitted.

“Only because you're never completely honest with yourself,” Ianto told him.

Jack gave a small grunt and frowned. “Why are you lecturing me? That's usually Gwen's job,” he grumbled.

“Someone has to and you don't seem to be listening to her,” Ianto said calmly. “Besides she doesn't know you in the way that I did.”

“That's true,” Jack agreed.

They sat in a familiar companionable silence for a moment before Jack broke it.

 “I miss you,” he said softly, looking over at Ianto, holding that steady gaze. He took in every familiar feature of the face before him, every line that he had known so well.

“You know I'm not really here, don't you?” Ianto said with a sad smile.

Jack returned that smile, “I know,” he said. “I guess you're just a figment conjured up by my guilty conscious.”

 “Or maybe something more,” Ianto added.

“More?” Jack queried.

“There's more to life than heaven and earth,” Ianto said cryptically. He stood up, moving forwards before turning to face Jack again with a broad smile. “Anyway, will you promise me to stop this stupid behaviour?”

“Does it make any difference if I did?”

“Well, that's up to you,” Ianto said. “I would hope that if you truly claim you loved me that you would keep a promise made to me now. Or are you really that shallow?”

 “That's harsh,” Jack said with a wince.

“So what will it be?” Ianto pressed. “Going to continue on like this and self destruct, or give your word to sort yourself out? You're worrying people unnecessarily.”

“You always did have a way of getting under my skin,” Jack said, “Right from the start.”

“Likewise,” Ianto said. “You turned my world upside down.”

“And got you killed as well,” Jack added bitterly, a wave of remorse washing over him.

“Don't be egotistical,” Ianto said. “I knew what I was getting into. It's not exactly what I had planned but that's just the way it is. Do you think you were going to keep me wrapped in cotton wool all the time? We all ran risks and knew it. Stop thinking that you can save everyone all the time. You're not God, Jack,” Ianto grinned then. “Despite what you might think.”

Jack chuckled softly. “Thanks for reminding me.”

“So are you going to promise?”

“Damn, I thought you had forgotten.”

“I've got a better memory than that,” Ianto told him. “Make up your mind.”

 “Don't I get some time to think about it?” Jack complained.

“You've already had plenty of time,” Ianto reminded him. “Time to get to the point.”

 “Fine,” Jack said almost sullenly. “I'll do it.”

“Promise?”

 “Promise,” Jack gave it grudgingly, disliking feeling that he had been forced into it.

Ianto smiled at him then, looking pleased. “That's all I wanted to hear.”

“You're going now? Just like that?” Jack felt a little panicked, not wanting him to leave yet.

“Sorry, but I've got to,” Ianto said sadly. “I've stretched my time as long as I can as it is. Don't forget you have promised so make sure you keep it.” He winked at Jack. “You never know when I'll be watching.”

Ianto stepped forward and leant down, Jack tipping his head back to look up at him.

“Look after yourself, Jack,” Ianto whispered, lips ghosting across Jack's.

Jack let his eyes drift shut, savouring that light touch. When he opened his eyes again he was alone, the first rays of dawn just beginning to colour the window.

 

~End~