I am not alone

"So this is where you've brought me" I tell her running my hand across her blue door. The grassy hill where Rose and I once laid made my hearts swell with such pain I couldn't breathe. Falling to my knees, a sob again forced its way up my throat, with such force, I worried for a moment I'd be ill.
"Wh-Why..." I whisper grimly, the tears spilling so quickly now it turned my vision blurry, "Why..." My head shook back and forth violently, the sound of rage beat wildly and loud inside my head. I could no longer control it "Why!" I screamed now, "Have I not done my fair share of repenting for what I have done!" I could not stop; I struggled to my feet, falling clumsily multiple times. My head and body finally coming to rest against the only constant companion I have. Sobbing like a baby, I struggled for control.
I keep wishing for something to change in this moment. I keep ranting like someone who is struggling to keep sane. How I wish the Tardis could hold me, if even for a brief moment. How I cursed Torchwood for never leaving anything alone, and the Dalek race for once again robbing me of what I held so dear to me.
And yet, I never told her I love her. I couldn't just say three little words to someone who truly honestly loved me for me. After everything I had put her through, I could not even say I love you.
Bile threatened to rise in the back of my throat. This time its taste was as dark as my soul, far more bitter than even my hatred for the Daleks. Shutting my eyes with a child like groan, I swallow every dark and seething emotion trying to creep up on me. I feel like I'm dying inside. There are memories of her all around me.
I will never laugh like that again.
It's cold where I'm sitting. I'm so cold...I feel frozen inside.
"Will it always be like this...?" I bang my forehead on the Tardis door, "Is there even a point to all of this anymore?" More tears, and a longing for an end pulls at the back of my mind. Can I really continue to lose everyone?
"Would it not be easier if I just was not to exist at all?" I stop banging my head and pull my knees to my chest.
I close my eyes and listen to the night around me. There is no sound but the river as I try to slow my ragged breath to match its soothing sound and rhythm. Just one second of sanity...
As I wipe tears from my eyes, the brief moment of comfort brings forth a startling realization and my eyes snap open. Bad Wolf Bay had the same sound! The thought makes me recoil like that of an abused child, its impact bringing the worst feelings yet.
I cannot bear this all alone anymore. Everyone I love just disappears. I promised myself, it would be different this time...
"Would death be so bad? I have lived enough haven't I?"
The Tardis engines roar to life, her familiar sound shaking me from my thoughts. Something inside of me stirs enough, that I find I am effortlessly standing. She is trying to Will me to go forward, lending me her strength. Reminding me if I leave her she’ll be left alone again.
She will not let go of me yet. I can feel something almost surround me, as the doors close shut.
The Tardis she is still and I can almost hear for a moment a memory of Rose telling me I would never be alone after we travelled the first time.
"You li-"
The Tardis again makes a noise. I raise my head to finally look at her.
"If only..." I run my fingers down her panels lovingly, "If only you could be so much more then you are..." I pause. Even after everything... no matter what happened or will, I have always had a place to hide, a place to run too, and someone who was listening the whole time... someone who takes me not only where I want to be, but always where I need to be. Even if it causes me pain...
I look at the doors, and I realize in that moment she had brought me some place I had been happy.
"Thank you..." I breathe. She roars to life.
An image of Rose is in my head... I can almost feel her hand in mine again.
"I'm never alone..."
~owari~