Lifeline

The lyrics in this story are fromm the song Lifeline by Papa Roach. The lyrics are noted by being in italics thusly.


When I was a boy I didn't care 'bout a thing It was me and this world and a broken dream I was blaming myself for all that was going wrong I was way out there on the wrong side of town And the ones that I loved I started pushing 'em out Then I realized that it was all my fault

When my Mom died I prayed every day, every day, for a year; asking God to bring her back, to make dad ok again, to make Dad stay home with Sam and me and not go chase down the monster that killed Mom. I asked him for someone who would love us the way Mom and Dad had before Mom died.

He never answered a single prayer I ever uttered and that's when I learned that He is a cold hearted bastard who had it out for me. He destroyed my life and at the age of five I turned my back on God.

I gave all my love to Sam and Dad. I hoped that one day Dad would love me back and be proud of me, but I don't know if he ever did or was: even at the end.

I protected Sam, raised him to know right from wrong and to love. No chick flick moments but there is still love in a hand on the shoulder or a quiet moment leaning against one another and in extreme instances, hugs are ok too. I knew I was screwed up so I watched those parenting shows that tell you how to make sure your kid doesn't shoot up their school but mostly I kept him at arms length. Kept him from being infected by my rottenness.

It did no good though, in the end.

I let him go to Stanford and I'd swing by occasionally to check up on him; hacking into the database and checking his grades and discipline file, watching him meet and fall in love with Jess. Damn, I thought for sure he'd be safe, have the happy apple-pie life he'd always wanted but I fucked up everything again.

The one time in four years that I see him face to face I get a demon following me right to his front door. I could have asked Bobby to help me find Dad, or Rufus, or any of a half-dozen other hunters but I missed Sam and my selfishness cost him his happiness.

I infected him, made him turn to the dark side and in the end I killed him. I went to Hell to bring him back and all the time I spent on the torture rack could not make up for my sins.

Not when I raised my knife to a mother who's only crime had been that she was an adulteress and liar. That was my real torture. I never tortured anyone in hell who really deserved it. I never had a murderer under my knife, or a rapist or a pedophile. Only near-innocents.

I never deserved to be brought back from Hell.

I've been looking for a lifeline For what seems like a lifetime I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again Looking for a lifeline So I put out my hand and I asked for some help We tore down the walls I built around myself I was struck by the light and I fell to the ground

I cried out for forgiveness and Cas answered me. I fought my return with every ounce of myself, knowing I didn't deserve it.

Not like Sam or any of my victims did.

When I woke up in my coffin I thought it was a new torture Alastair had thought up when I refused to torture that little girl (accidentally killed herself and her baby sister by locking the two of them in the car one hot afternoon when they were playing hide 'n' seek). I cried in relief and despair and fought my way out of the grave.

When I took my first breath of fresh air I screamed in terror, begged alastair to give me the knife and bring back the little girl. I was going insane thinking about how much worse he must be working up to to give me this glimpse of freedom. No one answered me.

At least not then.

When I first "heard" Cas "talking" to me I thought it was proof of Alastair's involvement. I spent the night trying to apologize again. I cried out to anyone who might listen. I even called Sam and Bobby but their silence and disbelief respectively made me certain that no one real was here.

I went to Bobby's anyways, needing the familiarity even as it hurt to see the familiar clunkers me and Sam used as jungle-gyms growing up. I didn't let myself believe this was real until Bobby had me gulping down a holy-water laced beer in his living room. When he told me he hadn't seen Sam in months I was terrified.

How could I try to make it up to him if Sam was already dead? But I found him again.

Pamela is another stain on my conscience.

It wasn't until after we summoned Cas that I found out just how much Sam had succumbed to my sickness. Because of me, because he loved me Sam let himself be corrupted into drinking demon blood.

I had to save him, no matter how much he screamed as the blood left his system.

I've been looking for a lifeline For what seems like a lifetime I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again Looking for a lifeline Is there anybody out there? Can you pull me from this ocean of despair? I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again Looking for a lifeline

I couldn't trust him after that. I wanted to, so bad, but how can you trust a junkie when you wave his drug of choice under his nose at every opportunity? Eventually he's going to break and it'll be my fault again.

I should have found someway to stop him from coming with me, or coming back to me but I'm weak. I need my family even while I'm destroying it.

It's my fault that Sam is Lucifer's vessel as well. If I had never been born, or at least had the good sense to stay dead then Sam couldn't be the Vessel because they need a set of brothers to house the two of them.

The ultimate sibling rivalry.

Cas believed I was the righteous man but every time he called Sam an abomination I wanted to scream at him that he had the wrong brother. Sam is the good kid, he's always been the good one. I'm the bad kid: I'm the abomination.

Cas seemed to know my thoughts because he always tried to tell me the reasons why I deserve to have been rescued from hell. When he wasn't giving me orders or trying to find God.

He didn't believe me when I told him what I'd learned a long time ago.

You know a heart of gold won't take you all the way And in a world so cold it's hard to keep the faith I'm never gonna fade away, yeah I've been looking for a lifeline For what seems like a lifetime I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again Looking for a lifeline

Cas slowly became the one I turned to. I don't know how he slipped past my defenses but I found myself telling him things I had never even told Sam. I thought I could rely him but Zachariah (dick) showed me the truth.

Just by being near Cas I tainted him until he Fell. I turned him from a pure being, an Angel Of The Lord into a slutty drug addict and he all but thanked me for it. He had Faith in me, that I could kill my brother and stop the devil from destroying humanity.

How could I do that to him?

He kept reaching out to me, trying to reach me but I pushed him away. He became family and I'd never abandon him but I couldn't let him know how wrong he was about me. I couldn't let that tiny flame die.

I tried to keep my promises to him. Even after the screw up with Chastity I kept my promise not to let him die a virgin. I'm not gay but Cas is special and I figured I'd be dead by the end of the day so it didn't count.

He was so radiant as he stood up to Michael and Lucifer in defense of Sam and all I could think of was how I wished I had kissed him goodbye back at the hotel.

When he came back all juiced up I almost reached out to him, almost asked him to stay, but I had other promises to keep.

And I was scared that he'd say no.

Is there anybody out there? Can you pull me from this ocean of despair? I'm drowning in the pain, breaking down again Looking for a lifeline

Sam is back but I've got a Pet Semetary vibe from him.

Cas comes when I mention that there might be a mystical weapon on hand but he seems to have forgotten everything we shared; pie, booze, fights, beds and bodies. Well, not forgotten but discarded them as irrelevent.

Except... last night Cas came back after dropping off the Staff of Moses.

I was really glad that Sam had gotten his own room because I could yell at Cas without worrying about waking Sam. He hasn't been sleeping well these past few nights.

I was yelling at Cas, my hands fisted in his trench coat, when he spoke.

"Dean." His voice was quiet.

His hands were warm where they gently pried my hands off of the coat. his arms were comforting when they wrapped around me. His lips were soft when he kissed me.

I'm not gay but Cas is special.

When I woke up this morning Cas was smiling at me. He didn't say anything, just watched me get ready for the day. He was gone when Sam knocked on my door.

I can't keep doing this to him. I have to put a stop to it cleanly, make it clear that it can never happen again. I'll lance the boil.

I just want one more kiss. Then I'll let him go, I swear.