.2010 Year Old Man

Author's Note: Way, way back in the dark ages, when comedians got record deals instead of sitcoms, two greats created a character called the 2000 Year Old Man. Carl Reiner would play an interviewer who had a chance to chat with Mel Brooks' character. This was an immortal being who remembered life going all the way back to the time of the cavemen.

If you've seen History of the World Part 1, the cavemen scenes had some of the 2KYOM's jokes.

These skits were performed for records and a few times on television.

This is part of an interview. It came to me on the drive home, wondering how the 2KYOM would react to the civil rights movements of today.

It wanders a bit. But then, this was always an ad-lib performance. Carl Reiner would ask Mel Brooks questions that he would make up answers to, explaining life at various points in history.

We join the interview already in progress, but shifting to a new topic.

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Interviewer: Sir, you may have noticed that there's a lot of attention paid to homosexual rights these days.

2KYOM: Yes, homosexuals. God bless them, the little birds.

Interviewer: Did they have them back in your youth?

2KYOM: Oh, of course. We called them the sissy boys.

Interviewer: Because they were effeminate?

2KYOM: Effeminate? Effeminate? Do you have any idea what feminate WAS back in the cave man day?

Interviewer: Well, no.

2KYOM: Okay, well, you gotta remember, we had JUST come down outta the trees for evolution.

Interviewer: Yes.

2KYOM: And we were all hairy. The men were hairy, the women were hairy, the kids were hairy.

Interviewer: Just how hairy were they?

2KYOM: Oh, this one time, I came down to the swimming hole. There were three women. And there were two sets of fur clothing on the ground. And you couldn't tell which one of them still had her fur suit on.

Interviewer: You couldn't tell?

2KYOM: Nope.

Interviewer: But what does this have to do with homosexuals?

2KYOM: Oh! Well! Men didn't care how hairy they were, but women did. Except for the annual bath, they never wanted to be undressed outside the caves.

Interviewer: They didn't like people to see their privates.

2KYOM: No, they didn't want people to see their beards! This is why women still love fur coats, too. Their minds remember being that hairy. When a glossy coat made men say, I wanna help her comb that.

Interviewer: You'd find a good fur coat attractive.

2KYOM: Well, not the coat itself, maybe. Just the chance to part it and see what was under it.

Interviewer: I see.

2KYOM: We didn't.

Interviewer: I'm sorry?

2KYOM: Well, they never took their furs off until they were in the cave.

Interviewer: Not a lot of light back there?

2KYOM: There was NO light back there. You were in the dark.

Interviewer: Complete darkness.

2KYOM: Oh, yes. So, if a woman agreed to mate with you, you were groping around, banging your head on rocks, trying to find something interesting.

Interviewer: Did you? Find something?

2KYOM: Sometimes. Ogg, my neighbor, his woman was so hairy, he never knew if she was dressed, or naked, or if he was just making a cave bear grouchy.

Interviewer: Really? Did the bear ever attack Ogg?

2KYOM: Once.

Interviewer: What did Ogg do?

2KYOM: A cave bear attacked a man who thought he was having sex with it. What do you think Ogg did? He died.

Interviewer: That's horrible?

2KYOM: Eh. I didn't like him that much. The bear made a better neighbor.

Interviewer: But...but how does this relate to homosexuality, sir?

2KYOM: Oh, well, you're there, in the dark, having sex in the dark, you know?

Interviewer: If memory serves...

2KYOM: And you want a little something special. You know?

Interviewer: Like oral sex, you mean?

2KYOM: Oral sex? ORAL sex? We hadn't invented oral sex yet. For us, sex without being kicked was something special.

Interviewer: Kicked? You said... What was it, when a woman consented to mate with you?

2KYOM: Well, there's consent and there's consent. For us, we'd take a swing at her with a club...

Interviewer: To knock her unconscious?

2KYOM: Not really. You swing wide, you see?

Interviewer: What, to miss?

2KYOM: Well, far enough that she could duck away, and close enough that she could lean into it.

Interviewer: Women would let themselves be clubbed over the head? Willingly?

2KYOM: Willing, schmilling. It was tradition. To be hit on the head, dragged into the cave, have a little sex at them. In the old days, you swung for the skull. Then we got into the swing-wide thing. This was the first women's movement.

Interviewer: Ah. Letting them choose to be clubbed on the head for sex was a step towards feminism.

2KYOM: No, DUCKING! THAT was the movement. Ducking, see. You move your head...?

Interviewer: Yes, I got it.

2KYOM: So, anyway, you're in the cave, way in the back, it's dark, you ask for them to touch your thing.

Interviewer: Your...thing?

2KYOM: Well, we didn't have a lot of names, then. We had about twenty words. Food was the first word, fire was the seventh, run was the third word, the first verb.

Interviewer: And thing?

2KYOM: That was the 20th word. That was everything that wasn't named yet.

Interviewer: So, if you wanted to have a woman hold your penis, you'd ask her to touch your thing?

2KYOM: Exactly. Of course, at that time, it was the same word for penis, balls, hair, ear, nose, eyeball.

Interviewer: So you'd have to point.

2KYOM: For all the good that did in the dark.

Interviewer: Oh, that's right.

2KYOM: So these women, they're not even going to LOOK at you in the sunlight. It was vulgar, taking off your furs. They wouldn't do it, they wouldn't let us do it.

Interviewer: So you couldn't show them what you wanted them to do outside..

2KYOM: No.

Interviewer: And you couldn't talk about it, because there were no words.

2KYOM: No.

Interviewer: And you couldn't show them in the dark because you didn't have lights.

2KYOM: No. Light wasn't invented yet. But we had dark. We had a word for dark.

Interviewer: You had the word dark?

2KYOM: No, a word FOR dark. It was, and remember, you're stumbling around a cave. There was a word to say, 'Hey, it's really dark in here.'

Interviewer: All that in one word?

2KYOM: Yes.

Interviewer: What was the word?

2KYOM: Ow.

Interviewer: I see.

2KYOM: We didn't.

Interviewer: You already used that joke.

2KYOM: What joke? Ever been in a cave?

Interviewer: Yes.

2KYOM: Which one?

Interviewer: Mammoth cave.

2KYOM: The tourist attraction?

Interviewer: Yes.

2KYOM: With lights? Stairways? Guard rails? Helpful guides and nonskid on the slippery bits?

Interviewer: Yes, all of that.

2KYOM: Screw you.

Interviewer: Well, I...

2KYOM: When we was in the caves, they were fucking caves, let me tell you!

Interviewer: I understand.

2KYOM: None of this 'and we're walking' or 'mind your step.'

Interviewer: Yes, yes, I get what you're saying.

2KYOM: Get what I'm saying?

Interviewer: Yes.

2KYOM: You're not going to say I see again, are you?

Interviewer: Not if I can help it.

2KYOM: Well, that's what you asked for.

Interviewer: What? When?

2KYOM: When you asked about the homosexuals!

Interviewer: What?

2KYOM: Like I said, the men, the men at that time, they were hairy, but they didn't care.

Interviewer: Okay.

2KYOM: It was manly. Manly hair. Big hirstoot chests and arms-.

Interviewer: Hirsute.

2KYOM: Her suit? Her suit was made of furs. All our suits were made of fur. His suit, her suit. Why are we back on the women? I was telling you about the homosexuals.

Interviewer: Yes, sorry. So we're finally talking about the homosexual cave men.

2KYOM: Yes. Men. Manly men. Big hairy hirstoot legs and hairy butts and beards and elbows.

Interviewer: And balls and penis.

2KYOM: No, the penis in those days was the only thing was bare. Not a hair on it. It would poke outta the other hair. It'd look like a banana waiting by the watering hole for prey.

Interviewer: I s- Interesting.

2KYOM: Ha! I almost gotcha.

Interviewer: Almost.

2KYOM: I will. I will.

Interviewer: So, what would a banana prey on?

2KYOM: Wild bananas? In those days the bananas were dangerous. They'd snap outta the brush and hit you - Fwish!

Interviewer: Fwish?

2KYOM: Fwish. That's the sound of a banana taking your head off.

Interviewer: Killer bananas? I've never heard of such a thing.

2KYOM: Of course not! Any witnesses that survived, they came back to the caves, what were they gonna say?

Interviewer: That...dangerous fruit was out there laying in wait?

2KYOM: Nah, they'd say that THING ate another THING! Fwish!

Interviewer: So no one could warn anyone about the dangerous bananas.

2KYOM: No. Not until you were out and you saw one about to attack. Then you could point and say, there, there! That's the thing that killed Ogg!

Interviewer: I thought the cave bear killed Ogg.

2KYOM: Twenty words, remember? We were all Ogg.

Interviewer: All of you?

2KYOM: Yeah, sure. I was Ogg, my neighbor was Ogg, his wife was Ogg. The bear was Ogg.

Interviewer: Ogg was a girl's name?

2KYOM: Well, the feminine version was.

Interviewer: There's a feminine version of Ogg?

2KYOM: Yes.

Interviewer: What would that be?

2KYOM: You point to a woman and say, "She's Ogg." That's the feminine.

Interviewer: And the masculine was to name a guy Ogg.

2KYOM: You got it.

Interviewer: I'm afraid I do.

2KYOM: So. Anyway. There we are. In the front part of the cave. That's where everyone was when we didn’t want to go outside of the cave.

Interviewer: Why not?

2KYOM: Because of the bananas, stupid!

Interviewer: Right, right.

2KYOM: So, we're all there. And these two guys start getting chummy.

Interviewer: Two guys? Were they homosexuals?

2KYOM: Yes. Yes, two homosexual cave men guys were getting chummy.

Interviewer: And by 'chummy' you mean..?

2KYOM: I mean, that's how we knew they were homosexuals.

Interviewer: You probably didn't have a word for it, though

2KYOM: Oh, we did, we did.

Interviewer: You did?

2KYOM: Sure.

Interviewer: Twenty words in the whole word, and you have a word for homosexual?

2KYOM: Sure.

Interviewer: What was it?

2KYOM: I told you.

Interviewer: I... Banana? I forgot.

2KYOM: Sissy.

Interviewer: Oh, right. Why did you call homosexuals sissies?

2KYOM: Not sissies. Sissy!

Interviewer: Sorry.

2KYOM: Well, there they are, right? They part the hair, they find the dicks. They grab, they stroke, they lick, suck, kiss. Fondle the balls and nibble light on the sac.

Interviewer: Right out in front of everyone?

2KYOM: Well, more to the left. Not in front.

Interviewer: But...where everyone could see?

2KYOM: Yeah. Sure. They're the men. They don't need to be knocked on the head so they'll undress in the dark.

Interviewer: So...Ogg and Ogg were having pretty public sex.

2KYOM: Very public. The whole world was there. Except Ogg.

Interviewer: Of course.

2KYOM: He was with the bear.

Interviewer: Ogg the bear.

2KYOM: Exactly.

Interviewer: And...what did the rest of you do while this was going on?

2KYOM: Every man in the cave, we jump up, grab Ogg by the hand-

Interviewer: Your mate, Ogg?

2KYOM: Yes. We grab our mates by the hand. And we point at the homosexual men doing homosexual sexuality. And we say: That's what I want you to do to my thing! See? SEE?

Interviewer: Sissy comes from See, see?

2KYOM: And to this day, men call gay men sissy-boys. Because they helped us discover foreplay. Or anyplay, for that matter

Interviewer: I see.

2KYOM: And we FINALLY did!

Interviewer: Ah, rats.