Impulse Judgment

Chapter One

If his friends didn’t stop crowding him, he was going to scream. He had been sick; now he was better. Well, better for the most part anyway. Chris and Ben understood. This was his battle and no one could fight his demons for him. They could offer support; but they definitely couldn’t force him down the steep road of recovery. However, knowing those facts did nothing to dissolve the fear and helplessness plainly etched on their youthful faces. Add to that the fact that no one would admit to those feelings. The situation was quickly escalating to an unbearable level. He was drowning and he couldn’t find his way out.

Fighting the overwhelming urge to scream, Daniel Johns fled his hotel room. He didn’t bother leaving a note for his band members, either he would be back before they were or he wouldn’t be. At this point, he couldn’t care less about how they might feel upon discovering his absence. He was old enough to do what he wanted to, damn it. If he wanted to seek permission for his every action, he could without having to have two of his closer friends continuously offering their opinion on his every action or reaction. He wasn’t diseased and he was sick of being treated as if he was irreparably different.

He was sick of feeling like he was somehow less than human. He was a walking, talking, thinking thing and he hated it. Objectification was nothing new; it came with the studios and the albums. It wasn’t supposed to come with friends.

Paranoia threatened to envelop him the precise moment that he left the safety of his hotel. The only thing that kept his feet moving was the fear that if he didn’t leave now, he would spend the next few days slowly being driven insane by good intentions and pitying glances. Nothing that he did mattered because he didn’t have to be responsible for his actions. His illness seemed to give people a reason to tiptoe around him, or to expect him to be incompetent of making even the most simplistic of decisions. With this knowledge, he knew that no one would say anything beyond “poor Daniel” and “not right anymore” about his inexplicable disappearance.

He had no idea where he was going. Pittsburgh was unfamiliar terrain. Only being in the city for a concert and a few insignificant television appearances (“Yes, I was anorexic. Yes, I am on my way to health and wholeness”), he was fearful of losing his bearings. He almost walked back to the hotel for the tourist map, but was too afraid of being discovered and detained. This fear forced Daniel to follow his original plan. He would find somewhere where he could forget himself for a few hours. If luck was finally smiling on him, maybe he could even accomplish that task without being hassled by teenaged fans or nosy media representatives.

***

Brian Kinney’s body was moving to the familiar sounds of Babylon. The combination of Brian’s confidence and self-possession gave even the simplest of dance moves an undeniable sex appeal. As a result of this, every eye in Babylon stared longingly at his body. Every mind’s eye was also occupied; enjoying a rich fantasy that generally featured Brian and a variety of sexual acts.

Brian’s eyes, on the other hand, were locked on the clear blue orbs of the individual that he was currently dancing with: Justin Taylor. Justin was taking up a lot of Brian’s time and not every one was happy about it. After the song ended, Justin gave Brian a quick “later” and several men breathed a collective sigh of relief when Brian’s dark eyes followed Justin to the exit. Although many clung to the hope that Justin’s disappearance would mean bliss for one very lucky bastard, others noticed how Brian’s eyes clung to Justin’s frame as if trying desperately not to lose him.

(“Justin, look out.” There is a disturbing thud that sounds eerily like an unripe melon impacting painfully with the parking lot floor.)

Brian was ripped from the memory by an annoyingly insistent voice close to his ear.

“Are you going to watch tonight’s show?”

Brian smiled down at his best friend, “That just depends, Mikey…” He let his eyes travel slowly up the long legs of a young man dancing nearby. “Tonight’s other entertainment looks promising.”

A whining note crept into Michael’s voice, “You promised. You’d watch it with Justin.”

Contempt dripped from Michael’s voice. So thick that it made pinpricks dance on Brian’s spine. He didn’t mean to be an asshole, but Michael just kept insisting on making every interaction difficult. He couldn’t get it through his thick skull that Justin meant something to Brian. That Michael meant something to Brian too…

“Don’t whine, Mikey. Or I’ll have to tell your mother.”

Brian put his arm around the man with the long legs, forcing the man close to his body. For a minute, both bodies moved seductively to the music.

***

Daniel’s original intentions were to have a few drinks then quietly leave. Unfortunately, intentions have a unique way of dodging the individual in question and generally leaving the situation in a state wholly not resembling the pre-planned actions.

Daniel was no exception.

As soon as he was swallowed by Babylon’s lights and sounds, he was completely enchanted. He remained slightly uncomfortable with the half naked dancing men; however, any discomfort was more than made up by the feelings washing over him. For the first time in quite awhile, the pounding in his head was not the result of a headache or drug induced detachment.

No one noted his entrance. No one pointed, giggled or looked at him with disgust. No one rushed over to him brandishing pieces of torn napkin or teeth chewed pens. Daniel felt a strange sensation wash over him. After rolling the new flavour over his tongue for several seconds, his brain sluggishly named the emotion: normalcy.

Daniel walked over to the bar and ordered a soda. Dismissing the alcohol as both the fastest way to a humiliatingly stupid action and to the painful disruption of his stomach ulcers, Daniel stirred a straw in his Ginger Ale. When momentarily distracted by the bubbles rising in his glass, he came to the interesting decision that if he only had an endless supply of Ginger Ale, he would never need anti-depressants.

He was still staring at his soft drink when that night’s featured drag queen took the spotlight. Daniel immediately felt his discomfort rear its ugly head. He stood, quickly adjusted the legs of his pin-stripped pants, and scanned his immediate area. His blue eyes intent on finding the door that he entered by.

***

“Take your hands out of your pants, boys, and put them together because there’s a show tonight that’ll blow your…er…” He smiled, raising one heavily made eyebrow, “…minds…” Swaying his hips to flare out his skirt, he walked gracefully towards the center of the stage.

He knelt. The hem of his sequins skirt lightly brushed the light blue floor. Reaching with one well-manicured hand, he gently stroked the cushion someone had generously plopped there earlier. The red plush looked full and ripe in contrast to the strained blue lights.

Letting that hand rest provocatively on the plush, he used his other, equally manicured hand to reach up and gently palm the dildo suspended from the ceiling. Blue sparkles glittered mischievously around his eyes as a smile, painted in Peach Fantasy played on his lips. A slow wink held the audience mesmerized and he felt the throb of power that always came from playing a crowd with a skilled hand. Like a master, he bent to it, allowing the audience to build before shouting out the phrase that would start the chaos.

“Are you ready for some fun tonight, boys?!”
Wild cheers, whistles and other noises of approval rushed his ears. Everything happened the way he knew they would.

“Okay, you boys should be experts at this,” he was greeted with titters of laughter. “The object of the game is to kneel on this pillow and, without using your hands, give this lucky dildo the most fun that it’s had since the product inspection line.”

There was more laughter. Even as the laughter reached the stage, this drag queen’s minor part was ending. Several young men rushed to be among the first to demonstrate their talents.

***
Brian was bored. Watching a series of unknown twinks deep throat a dildo wasn’t doing anything for him. Truth be told, the only emotion that the sexual display evoked in him was a mild sense of amusement. For a bunch of queers, he was expecting more. A lot more, especially since one of idiots even managed to get smacked in the head with the saliva-soaked toy.

Brian was crossing that particular male body off of his mental fuck list.
He was also creating a mental to-do list that involved a willing male with specific agility and no gag reflex.

Brian was still engrossed with the details for this particular task when his eyes joined the search. He quickly focused on a trick whose blonde hair he could easily imagine his fingers twisted in. Brian sent a prayer to whatever gods were responsible for the steady flow of willing bodies that traveled in and out of his loft before working out which plan of action would guarantee that that particular man be in his bed before 2 am. Providing, of course, that this appealing mouth knew how to suck on a piece of plastic.

The new interest was arranging himself on the cushion when Emmett shrieked out his own assessment. Unlike Brian, Emmett’s focus swayed more towards general image and less towards sexual appeal.

“Oh my god! I love his shirt!” Brian was working on tuning him out and failing. “It’s almost like my transparent one. But someone should really do something about that boy’s hair! I mean…ew. The grunge look is so last year’s Vogue.”

Brian let his eyes linger momentarily on the sheer material.
***

Daniel was on his way to the door when the first volunteer took the stage. He glanced at his watch, his mind was racing. He quickly weighed the pros and cons in his head and decided that as long as no one whipped out their dick, there was no real reason to be running off like the immature brat the press always accused him of being.

Returning to the bar, he ordered another soft drink. Unconsciously, he allowed his unkept hair to form a curtain over his face. The high that came with free movement was quickly dissolving. He momentarily felt overwhelmed by the electricity in the atmosphere. The beat no longer external, instead it seemed mocking.
His focus was ripped from his Ginger Ale by laughter. He looked up just in time to see a young man, approximately the same age as himself, lapping at the biggest dildo he had ever seen. His small pink tongue clumsily attempting to guide the toy into his mouth. After the second or third attempt, the dildo bounced off the tongue. When the inexperienced youth looked down in a vain attempt to salvage his remaining dignity before continuing his attempts, the swaying dildo lightly smacked off the top of his head. Everyone brayed with laughter, including the humiliated youth.

For a second, the laughter fed paranoia and the pocket of air around him seemed to thin. The moment passed and Daniel found himself laughing along with the rest of the crowd. The feelings of normalcy returned. He found himself shouting toward the stage before any thoughts of reason had the opportunity to stop his voice from carrying out over the waves of laughter.

“Oh come on! I can do better than that.”

Before he could take the words back, he was ushered towards the stage. Strong arms pushing, strange shouts of encouragement and challenge rang in his ears. Glitter ran in the air and settled around him, as if God suddenly decided that raindrops should be square. These details swam by him even as the world slowed down. He felt his own heart, beating heavy and erratic in his chest. His thoughts racing even as the world came to rest in the smiling drag queen before him.

Close up, the make-up was less impressive. The details that struck him as elaborate from the safety of the bar, now only appeared flawed. Even as a firm hand on his shoulder forced him to his knees, Daniel’s mind insisted that up close maybe he was flawed as well.

Hot eyes washed over him. With the heat, a morbid fascination began to build within him. His own eyes washed over the toy only inches away from this upturned face (I reckon that it can’t be much different than sucking beer from a microphone). The corners of his lips curled even as his mind was occupied with the task of waiting for the dildo to slow its sways. Relaxing his jaw, he forced himself up with his heels and allowed the object to penetrate his lips.

***

Brian watched as Daniel was helped down from the stage. He was laughing and his laughter added to his appeal. Brian suddenly wanted to take him in the parking lot. Instead, he watched as Daniel looked for the exit.

He followed him out of the building.


***

Daniel was waiting by the street, intent on scanning the crowded roads for the bright colours of an approaching taxi. So focused on the task, he didn’t immediately register another invading his personal space. An arm wrapped itself around his slender waist and firmly forced him to turn around. Startling easily, Daniel bit down on the scream that threatened to have at least half of the police force at his location within minutes.

Just as his “fuck you” face was clicking into place, he found himself staring into the face of Brian Kinney. The other man’s intense gaze was melting the insults that, only seconds before, wanted to drip from his tongue.

Although joking easily about homosexuality in the past, Daniel found himself immediately attracted to the man’s attitude (I know what I want and I want you). Brian, on the other hand, immediately recognized the need and fear that raged just below deceptively clear eyes. Both recognized the traits that time had worn away and both remained unsure of the reaction.

Retrieving the attitude that fame had forced him to adapt, Daniel forced his eyes to meet Brian’s in wordless challenge even while a strong accent vocalized his own lust, “Are you gonna stand there all night and just look at me?”

His eyes pleading for something Brian wasn’t sure that he wanted anything to do with.

(Need me).

He unexpectedly decided that he could. At least, just for one night.

***

Brian’s hand was on the crotch of his pants the moment that they got into the jeep. A teasing pressure that forced his sexual needs to the forefront of his mind. His mind ceased screaming how stupid it was to allow himself to be picked up by a stranger and began begging for a few moments of precious release.

“Don’t come in my jeep.”

He could feel the blue eyes boring into him even before he felt his hand forcefully removed from the young man’s straining erection. Looking over to see what the problem was, irritation clearly etched on his face, Brian was shocked to discover that the eyes he was feeling were wide and angry. He could almost feel his own cock twitch in disappointment. Any second, he was going to be told to pull the vehicle over…and not for the hasty exploration that his mind had been envisioning. His suspicions were confirmed by the determination that set the jaw that Brian’s mouth ached to bite.

Always a strict follower of his own ethical code, Brian ignored the protests of his body and directed the vehicle to the side of the road. An eyebrow arched in surprised when his passenger neither unbuckled nor reached toward the door handle.

“I know what you want and that’s fine, but I will NOT put up with any patronizing bullshit. Maybe it shuts everyone else up, but it won’t work on me,” he reached over and gently cupped Brian’s privates. “If we understand each other, you can re-start the car and no one will be going home disappointed. If we don’t, tell me now so we can both quit wasting our time.”

Brian felt himself tearing under the force of his own conflicting reactions. Respect and lust raced through his veins and cooled any anger. His mind hadn’t finished attempting to sort the situation out when his body began the task of re-starting the jeep.

Daniel also felt his desire clash. It had felt awkward to hold another man’s anatomy. Even through a layer of material, he had felt the size of it and, although not huge, it did evoke a sort of fear that began to conquer his mind. The tones and actions of the older man clearly suggested that he was used to being the one in control of the situations that he initiated. The idea of sexual intercourse with this man brought more detestable fear to the forefront of his mind. His head insisted that there was still time to back down and find a nice girl to bed down with instead. But, despite his reservations, curiosity and desire also flooded his thoughts. He had been praying for the opportunity to break out of the box that everyone had insisted on forcing him into. What better way to do that than through the use of the man currently sitting in the seat next to him?

Both men found their internal monologues interrupted when the jeep glided up to the curb in front of Brian’s home. Brian got out of the vehicle the second that it came to a complete stop. He pushed the button to lock the jeep while walking toward the front door of his building. Trusting Daniel to scramble after him.

***

Brian’s hands explored every inch of the younger man’s body. Every inch, that is, except for the inches that Daniel clearly wanted him to touch. Brian’s tongue thrust suggestively in and out of the hot willing mouth before him. Giving an undeniable promise of things to come. Having lost all self-respect, Daniel began to hump against Brian’s legs. He was moaning deep in his throat, even while allowing his own tongue to meet Brian’s thrusts.

Brian firmly grasped his shoulder, breaking the kiss and stepping away from Daniel. The disappointed moan brought a smile to Brian’s full lips, already bruised from the forceful demands of their kisses.

Brian’s smile momentarily faltered when embarrassment flashed through blue eyes that had been closed only moments before.

“I assume that you’ve been with a man before.” The scene in the car still fresh in his mind convinced Brian that he had been dealing with an experienced young man, which was completely at odds with the picture currently before him.

“What?” He had heard what Brian had said, but was secretly wishing to dodge having to give an answer to such a forward statement.

Brian’s sharp intake of breath expressed his growing impatience, “I said,” reverting to the Brian-The-Asshole, “you have had a cock up your ass,” he took a step towards the younger man for emphasis. “Haven’t you?”

Daniel mentally flinched at his words, but did all he could to prevent any physical indication of his discomfort. He was rapidly losing control of the situation, and he knew it. Tricking was Brian’s forte and he knew how everything was supposed to happen even before the trick walked through the door.

Blue eyes blazed before meeting hazel eyes with a silent dare, the same courage that he had shown in the jeep once again marking his features with youthful anger, “No.”

Brian refused to drop his eyes even as his hands began unbuttoning the fly of his designer jeans. He pulled them off with a practiced motion. Taking his actions as permission, Daniel dropped his own eyes.

Brian began walking towards his bedroom. He didn’t bother looking behind him to see if he was being followed. In his mind, he was giving the trick one last chance to change his mind before things went too far to expect retreat. He knew that he was treating this trick differently than most of the men he took home. He was walking too fast, speaking too harshly and he had to admit that those actions were conscious. To himself, he was re-enforcing his position as the dominator. When Brian Kinney brought a trick home that trick was expected to be grateful. That was something he was going to make sure that this young man discovered.

Brian was still controlled by that thought when Daniel entered the bedroom behind him. Pulling the younger man into another brutal kiss, he roughly began removing his clothing. The fragility of the transparent shirt ripped under the assault.

Neither man took notice.

***

Daniel was lying near the foot of Brian’s huge bed. His head was thrown back, achieving a carelessly casual posture. The blue fluorescent lightning giving his skin and hair a strong blue colouring that seemed to overpower his features. Although it wasn’t exactly flattering, it did lend him a hint of something almost exotic that complemented his posture. His attention, however, was not on the lights, but rather on the man currently between his splayed legs.

If the lightening gave Daniel a hint of sexual exoticism, it transformed Brian into a sexual deity. The light glistened off his body, highlighting the muscles while adding mystery with each deep shadow. Thinking about how the light played on Brian’s chest and arms helped to distract his mind from the uncomfortable sensation currently flooding his body.

Brian was carefully preparing the beautiful body currently spread out and waiting for him. His fingers were busy working themselves into the ass that would soon be stretched and ready for his erection. Daniel hissed under the new demands, but made no attempt to move. To deal with the new situation, he had forced himself to adapt a type of detachment. As a result, the world had taken on a surreal quality that didn’t waver, even when Brian rolled a condom over his swollen penis.

Mistaking the detachment as fear, Brian off-handedly offered what little reassurance he could. (“Everyone’s scared their first time”). He knew that his statement wouldn’t mean much and, in truth, he didn’t care. There was a chance to leave and if it wasn’t taken, then this was obviously not the time to start attempting to coddle. Besides, he had learnt years ago that the whole “don’t be scared or it’ll hurt” speech only served to intensify fear. Keeping the atmosphere casual and his intentions clear had worked as a much more effective relaxant in the past.

Daniel took a deep breath, keeping tight hold of the detached sensation even as his body begged to feel.

“I’m ready,” he closed his eyes and allowed Brian to position him.

***

There was pain. A hot slow burn that spread with each inch that was carefully forced into his body. He could feel the scream building up behind his tightly closed lips. His eyes screwed shut even as the sharp tang of blood invaded his mouth.

“Relax. And quit biting your lip, Christ, you’re making yourself bleed.”

The voice startled Daniel out of his mental inventory of sensations. He had been so immersed by the pressure building in his abdomen that he had almost forgotten that there was another person involved in the act. Even as he was attempting to mentally remove himself from the physical sensations, the pain faded. The pressure remained, but it was rapidly becoming bearable and even pleasant.

He soon found himself meeting Brian thrust for thrust.

***

Daniel came first. His hands clenched and then it was over.

His sweat pasted his hair to his forehead. He could feel his heart pound in his chest as well as the heat that spread up from the lower half of his body. He felt super-sensitized; overwhelming sensations flooding him even after Brian removed himself from his body. Exhaustion quickly dulled the tang of the other feelings. He was only half aware when Brian dropped the used condom into the wastebasket near his head.

Raising up and wiping the now damp hair out of his face, he felt the lube that was coating the inside of his anus. He decided right then that he hated that feeling. However, at that moment his main desire was to get back to his room and sleep.

Slowly, he got out of the bed. His eyes glazed and empty from the weight of exhaustion and also from the realization that he had fulfilled his own worst fears. (“Who are you? I don’t know, you tell me…”). Movements on autopilot, he began to pick up and hastily pull on clothes.

There was no touching now. There was no need for touching. With the sexual needs placated, there was no longer anything felt between the two men. Already their minds were elsewhere, one on the act of buttoning up a ruined shirt; the other, counting down the minutes until 3 am.

Daniel’s Epilogue

Daniel quietly let himself back into the hotel room he was sharing with Ben and Chris. He was only marginally surprised to see them both asleep on the sofa. Truth be told, he was expecting them to be wide-awake and brimming with unanswerable questions. If he would have returned only an hour earlier, that would have been the scene welcoming him. As it was, both slept on opposite ends of the sofa, the television blaring in front of them. Too tired to force himself to walk to his own bed and wanting nothing more than to be near someone, Daniel collapsed on the space left open between his two friends.

He quickly fell into a dreamless sleep.

Brian’s Epilogue

Brian walked into the loft and immediately began to shed his clothes. In less than five minutes, Brian had ditched his Gucci suit and changed into a more casual selection.

Standing behind Justin, Brian rested his head on Justin’s shoulder. The contact was comforting and heavy even though Justin’s eyes remained fixated on the computer screen. His world temporarily reduced to a small green bar (One minute, thirty-seven seconds remaining).

Brian’s voice broke the silence that both had grown comfortable with, “What are we downloading?”

There was no mocking tone, no judgment; only curiosity and exhaustion. Justin felt his love for the older man momentarily overwhelm him.

Turning to face the other man, Justin only smiled, “I am downloading a music video Daph recommended. She says it’s pretty good.”

Justin clicked on the play button the moment that the option became available. Brian was about to leave Justin alone when he found himself staring straight into the digital eyes of an angry youth. Blue eyes were wide with anger and lines marred his forehead. Bits and pieces of song floated up to Brian’s ears, but Brian wasn’t hearing them (“We are the youth; we’ll take your fascism away…”).

Brian’s eyes locked on the screen, disbelief clearly standing out.

“I don’t fucking believe it.”

Justin turned, the chair’s wheels protesting the change in position. His handsome features marred by sudden concern. Brian smiled, immediately setting his mind at ease. Deciding that it was probably nothing that concerned him, Justin turned back to the image on the screen. He adjusted the volume before settling back into a comfortable position.

The End