His Reasons Redux 5/5

His Reasons Redux


Rodney looked out over the water from his balcony. It was peaceful today. He smiled.

His eyes chose that moment to glance down and his smile faded.

No matter how many reasons he came up with to not do it, all of the reasons he should were there, written on his arm. He couldn't erase them. But maybe...

Maybe he could cross them out? But, no. That would require cutting again, and if he did that... John would be so disappointed in him. He couldn't stand to have John look at him like that.

And he was doing so well! It had been close to a month without cutting himself. Things were back to normal.

People had stopped giving him weird looks. He was working like he usually did. He was going on off-world missions again. No one had to babysit him any more.

But that still didn't negate the fact that his reasons were still there. Carved into him. A constant reminder that he wasn't good enough. That he'd never be good enough.

Rodney took a deep breath and gripped the railing tightly.

He could get through this. He could.

His hand tapped against his radio of its own violation.

"John, I need you to come to my quarters, please." It looked like his mouth was conspiring with his hand. The traitor.

"Sure. You okay, buddy?"

"Just, please?"

"I'll be there in a sec. Sheppard out." The channel closed and Rodney returned his grip on the railing. Maybe he couldn't do this.

He looked down at his bare arm. He had taken to wearing short sleeved shirts again just last week. It took one glare from Ronon to make people stop staring at the striped patterns on his arms.

But now... now, in the cool air, Rodney could clearly see every line. Every reason so perfectly written out as if in plain English. He took a deep, painful breath. As he let it out, his door whooshed open.

"Rodney?" John sounded slightly winded and Rodney realized he ran all the way here.

"I... I..." Rodney gestured to his arm and John was there in an instant, standing by his side, holding his arm.

"It's okay, Rodney. It's okay. I'm here." John's thumb moved over some of the lines. Rodney briefly wondered if John could erase them.

"I... I was thinking about how... about how my reasons, my reasons to cut will always be written on my arms like this. How they'll never go away." John shook his head.

"No, Rodney. These aren't your reasons for cutting anymore. They're your reasons not to."

"But, but-"

"No buts, Rodney. This one? This one right here?" John traced a small one closest to his hand. "This one is because of Teyla. She cares for you. And this one? This one is for Ronon. This one is for me. This one is for Carson. This one is for Atlantis," as John spoke, he continued to trace over different scars, pressing gently on each one.

Rodney took a deep breath and nodded slowly.

"Okay."

"See? They're your reasons not to."

"Thank you." It was whispered as Rodney closed his eyes, taking deep breaths. John moved carefully, embracing Rodney and hugging him fiercely.

"No, Rodney. Thank you, for asking for me when this happened. Thank you for letting me help." Rodney hugged John back just as fierce.

"John, I-" Rodney pulled back slightly and looking into John's eyes.

"Yeah, Rodney?"

"I thought of another reason."

"What's that, buddy?"

"Another reason not to is because I have you as a friend." John smiled brightly.

"I think that's my favorite reason, Rodney." Rodney smiled shyly and then promptly blushed, pulling back from John, wrapping his arms around his middle.

"Sorry," he mumbled. John smiled, amused. He cupped Rodney's face and watched as Rodney went from shocked to confused to hopeful all the way back to shocked again.

"There's nothing to be sorry for, okay, Rodney? Nothing." Rodney hesitantly nodded and John took a small, awkward half-step towards Rodney.

Rodney swallowed and nervously wet his lips, his eyes darting between John's eyes and his lips.

"Uhm..." Before Rodney could continue, John pressed his lips softly against Rodney's.

Rodney's eyes fluttered closed and he relaxed against the balcony railing, John moving forward some more to press against him. Rodney's hands moved around John's waist to his back as John's hands both cupped Rodney's face.

Their innocent kiss quickly turned heated and they had to pull away for air.

"So, uhm."

"Yeah," John replied.

"How, how long?"

"Oh, a while. You?"

"Yeah. Same." John smiled and nuzzled Rodney's neck.

"So, I was thinking that, well, since the feeling is mutual, we'd take this slow." Rodney nodded.

"Yeah. Slow. We can do that. Right?"

"Right." Rodney smiled and shyly brushed a kiss against John's cheek. "Wanna go for a run?"

"Sure." Rodney nodded. "And then we'll get some food."

"And then we'll talk about this. Set some boundaries for now. And, y'know. Just get comfortable with each other. Sound good?"

"Yeah. Good." John smiled and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly.

"So... see you at the gym in a few?" Rodney nodded.

"Yeah, I'll see you there."

"Okay. Bye, Rodney." John pressed one last soft kiss to Rodney's lips and left with a smile. Rodney's smile returned as he thought of another reason.

John was a pretty good kisser.