Method Acting

This is a crack story so with that in mind, enjoy! :-)


Not a breeze drifted through the forest that night. There wasn’t a rustle of a leaf or a crackle of bracken within the secret woodland acting training area. It was as though the trees themselves were holding their breath as they watched the performance in the clearing unfold.

Howard strained to maintain his posture. His arms were outstretched and his leg was curled up in an awkward stance. His brow furrowed at the intense concentration it took to sustain the position. He tried to imagine himself as it. To truly be it. The convince the world!

“You call that a sponge? It’s bloody rubbish!”

Montgomery Flange – his temporary tutor for the night – sat unimpressed in his weather-beaten armchair, swashing a glass of brandy in one hand and gesticulating wildly with the other.

Howard sagged. His sponge impersonation abandoned. He raked a hand through his hair and heaved a heavy sigh. All his fantasies of grandeur were having an unpleasant reality check. He balled his hand in a fist and resisted the urge to punch the nearest object. Why was this so difficult!? He turned to Montgomery is dismay. “How am I supposed to feel a sponge? Sponges don’t have emotions.”

“Bah! The words of an amateur.” Monty swigged the last of his brandy and brought the glass down with a thump. “Of course they bloody do. Everything does! When you’ve been an actor for as long as I have, you develop an extra sensory perception for things. Everything has a story to tell, a plethora of emotions to express!”

“Even sponges?” Howard raised a dubious eyebrow.

“Especially sponges!” Monty hoisted himself to his feet, swaggered up to Howard before pressing a bony finger into his chest. “You can’t call yourself an actor if you don’t understand the object you’re portraying.”

Howard frowned at him, still unconvinced, so Monty, in a flamboyant turn, paced a few feet away and turned back toward his protégé.

“To be a sponge to have to believe you’re a sponge. This is textbook drama m’boy. Here, I shall demonstrate.” He twirled his hands. His aged face set itself in a determined expression. In a dramatic swoop of the arms, he raised them above his head and towards the night sky. He began to make a strange thrumming sound in the back of his throat that slowly increased in pitch and volume. His eyes closed, his rickety knees bent until – as suddenly as it started – he was silent and still.

Howard shifted his eyes in uncertainty. Apparently there was a fine line between genius and senility.

“Ahhh!” Monty gasped. “The water, the water Howard! I need to find it - to absorb it. It is my purpose; the very reason for my existence!” His arms shot out to his sides and with his body he formed a rectangular shape. He puffed his chest outwards with gasping breaths. It was a revelation! A new life had taken hold of the old man and transformed him into a common kitchen implement.

Howard had to admit, it was a convincing sponge.

“Oooh” Monty groaned, and with a shake of his bones the illusion was shattered. He placed a hand on his back to sort out a crick in his spine and hobbled back over to Howard. “It’s been a while since I’ve done that. Really tests this old body. But what did I tell you boy? There are no limits to acting. None! You just need the right frame of mind.” He gave his student a firm rub on the shoulder, letting it linger a moment longer than necessary.

“That was amazing!” Howard was genuinely impressed. So much so that he was willing to ignore Montgomery’s minor infringement on his personal space. “But how do you do it? Just let go like that?”

“Ah” Monty turned away in a theatrical gesture. “That, my dear boy, is the most closely guarded secret to acting.” He tilted his head up, eyes widened in awe and gazed at nothing in particular.

After a minute passed, Howard awkwardly shifted to the side. “So… what is it?”

Monty spun on his heel, his scarf whipped around him with the movement. “Practice! Years and years of brutal, backbreaking practice. You hardly thought I could become a master in a night did you?”

Howard palmed his face in dismay, “years? I don’t have years. The performance is tonight!” He sat down on a nearby log and buried his face in his hands, “I knew this was futile. Vince was right. I really am hopeless at this.”

“I’m afraid that’s the truth,” Monty pushed his hands into his pockets with a shrug and paced across the clearing, “can’t achieve a thing in this world without a bit of effort. No, I’m afraid it’s impossible.” His pacing paused and he slowly tilted his head towards Howard’s direction, “unless…” he shook his head and turned away again “never mind.”

Unless? Howard’s head shot up. “What do you mean unless? Is there something we can try?”

“No, no, no. Forget I said anything.” Monty walked back over to his armchair and poured himself another brandy, “Stronger men than you have crumbled at such methods.” He swished the amber liquid before taking a sip. A peculiar expression glittered behind his eyes as his gaze drew across Howard.

Howard, fuelled by determination, stoop upright to face his tutor. Even in a flimsy white singlet and uncomfortable tights, he still managed to summon a commanding posture. “I’m Howard Moon sir! If anyone can do it I can. Throw any challenge at me, I’ll catch it. Show me a mountain, I’ll climb it. Face me with a Jungle, I’ll-“

“Yes, yes, alright already. I understand what you’re saying” Monty waved his hand in dismissal. “But Howard, to condense all that acting experience into one evening. Well, surely even you can comprehend the psychological ramifications it would have on the mind.”

Howard was about to go into another spiel about his unsurpassable coping skills, but of course the part of him that always made him hesitate in these circumstances - the cowardice - let the words die on his lips. Instead he asked;

“Will it hurt?”

Monty’s mouth turned up in a lopsided grin, exposing a large set of uneven teeth. He paced closer to Howard and used his walking stick to trace Howard’s stout frame. “No, I don’t believe it’s a painful experience. At least, not physically…”

“Well,” Howard sucked in a breath, “I’ll try it. I’ll try anything. I want to be an actor!”

Monty erupted in a smile that could only be described as gleeful. “Ahh, the tenacity of youth. Very well! I’ll pour you a brandy. You might need it.”

Howard stopped Monty before he could reach for the bottle “no, let’s just do this. No more wasting time. The performance is tonight and I need as much practice as I can get.”

That manic twinkle flickered in Montgomery Flange’s eyes once again. With great care, he let his walking stick rest against his beaten armchair and then with a totter, closed the distance between himself and Howard. He placed his aged hands against Howard’s breast and hummed and haa’d like he was solving a difficult puzzle.

“Uh” Howard instinctively stiffened at the physical contact, “is this it?”

“No my dear boy” he pulled away, “just testing to see if you’ll have the stamina for it.”

“Right…” Howard swallowed. His stomach swirled with unease.

Monty tilted Howard’s chin down so they were looking eye to eye. His voice lowered in pitch and a solemn expression draped across his face. “Acting is a serious business Howard. There’s no room for mediocre. You need to pour everything you have into your performance. Your heart, your brain, your guts and yes, even your little pinkie toe. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Howard nodded his head vigorously, “yes, I do sir.”

“Then you should also know that to be a proper actor you must give yourself to it. Submit yourself! Let it take you by the balls! Are you following me Howard?”

Howard nodded again, a little less sure this time “I think I know what you mean…”

“Good!” Then, placing his hands Howard’s shoulders, Montgomery attempted to push him down “on your knees then.”

“Er, hold on. What is this for?” Howard asked, shrugging his shoulders in an effort to resist Monty’s insistent pushes.

“You’ll find out soon enough,” Monty replied before cocking an eyebrow. “You do want to be an actor don’t you?”

“Yes…” Howard could only answer feebly. Hanging his head, he gave in and sank to his knees. His mind swam with all the possible reasons why he would need to be in this position. None of which he was entirely comfortable with.

Monty cupped Howard’s face and tilted it up in an oddly intimate gesture. From this position, with the moon high in the sky, Monty’s head was shrouded in an ethereal light. His grey hair glimmered silver on the edges. It was a peculiarly ominous vision.

“The greatest actors are prepared to go anywhere and do anything,” Monty had captured Howard’s attention so completely he daren’t even blink. “Is that you Howard? Are you willing to enter that world?”

Howard’s mouth was so dry it was an effort to speak “I, uh, I think so.”

Monty looked down at Howard with a frightening intensity “excellent. Then let’s start, shall we?”

With a click of metal Monty began to unlatch the buckle of his pants. This immediately sent alarm bells off in Howard’s head and he pulled back so quickly it was like he’d been burned. “Whoah! Okay, this isn’t what I think it is, is it?” It was slightly humiliating to be sprawled across the forest floor being towered over by an elderly man.

Monty quirked an eyebrow at him, his hands still on the front of his pants with the first button undone. “Surely you can’t be that naïve? This is the entertainment industry after all.”

Howard crawled backwards a little further and felt the leaves crackle under his weight. He pointed an accusatory finger at Monty. “Um, how exactly is doing that supposed to make me a better actor?”

“How doesn’t it Howard?!” With another exaggerated wave of the arm he addressed not only Howard but seemingly the entire forest. “Acting is about shattering boundaries. Pushing yourself beyond your limits. Going where no man has gone before!”

“It’s acting, not aeronautics,” Howard could only frown.

“Howard, if you can do this then there won’t be a role you can’t play. Trust me; this will fling you out of your comfort zone and into greatness! It’s actually a rather selfless offer on my behalf.”

“Yeah, sure it is,” Howard hoisted himself back up onto his legs, brushing away the stray leaves that clung to his tights. “I’m prepared to do a lot of things but this is where I draw the line.” He pursed his lips and looked back at his teacher, a little shaken by the ordeal. “I’m sorry sir. I don’t think I can study under you any longer.”

Monty regarded Howard for a moment before heaving a sigh. “Very well then…” He slowly buttoned his pants up and turned his back from Howard, “if you feel that way then I shan’t stop you. Your clothes are over by the willow.” He exhaled with a heavy breath, “pity, so much potential…”

Howard turned away to find his trousers. His heart was heavy with yet another of his dreams crumbling into nothing. Why did all of his efforts inevitably turn into some sort of twisted sexual encounter? He closed his eyes and tried not to think of an adoring crowd praising his performance. Of an audience that would clap and beg rapturously for an encore. Of the look on Vince’s face when Howard stepped away with a bouquet of roses and a movie contract with Jurgen Haabemaaster before he and the filmmaker ran away to Vienna together to eat crab with butter. He raked his fingers though his limp hair trying not to let the fantasy run amok as they so often did.

‘Oward. Dat ees zee best aacting to av’ ever caressed my eyes.’

“Why thankyou sir. It’s all in a days work for Howard Moon.”

“Howard!” Vince crashes into the scene, hair askew. “I was wrong all along. You’re an acting genius! Also, the pants don’t fit and jazz is better than electro music and you’ve always been more attractive than me.”

Howard shook his head. It was pointless now. Completely and utterly pointless…

As he crouched down to pick up his hat he hesitated. He tentatively looked over his shoulder at the frail figure of Montgomery Flange. “If… if I do it… that would definitely make me a good actor?”

Monty tilted his head at Howard with another sly smile “the best.”

Howard huffed, shook his head and once again reached for his hat, paused, then reached again. Finally after this minor tug-of-war with his conscience, he slowly stood up and faced the clearing with downcast eyes – not quite prepare to meet Monty’s gaze.

Monty beckoned Howard to him expectantly “come Howard. I’ll turn you into actor beyond your wildest imagination.”

Howard shuffled forward, steeling himself for what was inevitable to follow. The hands were back on his shoulders pushing him to the ground. He could do this, he thought. He’d been through worse. People did this sort of thing all the time, so was it really that much of an issue? It couldn’t be all that bad could it?

His eyes flickered up to see the wrinkled hands once again fumbling to unlatch the belt.

Actually, no, it wasn’t that bad.

It was much, much worse.

“Howard,” Monty’s voice cut through Howard’s inner turmoil like a knife. “Before we start, you must know why this is so imperative to your training.”

“Oh, I think I have a good idea.” Howard kept his focus intently on the forest floor.

“You are bound by invisible shackles. Your acting is rigid and restrained. I’m going to release you from them. You’ll soar Howard! I can sense greatness within you.”

“Yeah, okay.” Howard wished he would stop talking. The sooner they did this the sooner it would be over.

With his attention fixated on Monty’s shoes he heard a click, a zip and with a rustle the pants dropped to bundle around Monty’s ankles. A cold sinking feeling mingled with nausea to create a truly sickening sensation in the pit of Howard’s stomach. He couldn’t even summon the courage to look up. When fingers traced his jaw to tilt his head up he could only squeeze his eyes tightly shut.

“Howard. Open you eyes.”

Howard gave a pathetic whimper. “No, I’m right thanks.”

“Come on Howard! You’re an actor aren’t you? So do your job and perform!”

Tentatively, Howard cracked his eyes open and immediately wished he hadn’t. He took in the sight before him and wondered if he still had an opportunity to back out of this arrangement. Surrounded by tufts of grey hair was an erection that no man of Monty’s age should ever possess. It was tumescent and sagged slightly with the weight of it. The bands keeping his sock up his varicose calves added a touch of comic to the whole situation.

Monty noticed Howard’s shocked expression and chortled. “Impressive isn’t it? Yes, there are some benefits that come with a lifetime dedicated to the acting profession. An actor can will himself to do anything. No need of pills for this old veteran.”

Howard tried not the let the revulsion show too much on his face. He couldn’t help but suspect that Monty’s virility has less to do with his seasoned acting and more to do with his deviant perversions. Still, if doing this could really help his acting, then it might even be worth it.

Speaking of which…

“Ah,” Howard was stumped “what exactly is it that you want me to do?”

Monty looked at him incredulously “isn’t it obvious?”

“Well, it’s just that I’ve never actually done this before…”

“Howard, do you think you have to climb a mountain to play a Mountie? Do you need to get on all fours and eat grass to know how to play a horse? No! All you need to do is use your imagination.” Monty fingers threaded themselves through Howard’s hair, effectively taking hold of the reins. He tried to guide Howard’s head towards his hips but was met with resistance.

“Wait, you want me to use my mouth.” Howard felt like he a just sucked on a lemon.

“Well it is an actor’s tool of the trade. Don’t be shy.”

Howard took a deep breath. He was irritated at Monty’s persistent tugging at his hair and appalled at himself for ever agreeing to this. But his teacher was right about one thing. It was certainly pushing him out of his comfort zone. Or you could say it was more like shooting him from a cannon out of his comfort zone. If he did this then no other role could possibly be as bad by comparison.

He had to fight every instinct in his body, but Howard managed to lean forward, braced himself and guided the head of Monty’s cock into his mouth.

It twitched and Monty hissed in delight, “ahh, now you’re getting it. Don’t be afraid to go all out.”

It was vile, but if Howard kept his eyes closed he could simply go to his happy place. He tried to think of the things he adored. Jazz was the first thing to surface from his memory, but when Monty pushed himself further into his throat and started barking instructions, Howard decided that he didn’t want to risk the association.

“Ooh, mind the teeth boy! Don’t let your tongue just sit there. A little firmer now. Oh yes, that’s the spot!”

There was a moment when Montgomery thrust a little too enthusiastically and caused Howard’s gag reflex to kick in. He fought the hands tugging at his hair and pulled back spluttering and overall feeling very sorry for himself. He wiped away the moisture around his mouth and glared up at his teacher, who was looking down at him with equal displeasure.

“Now, now Howard. I thought that this would be something even you could grasp.”

Howard could take a lot of things. He’d endured taunts and teases throughout his life and put up with Vince’s seemingly endless ridicule over his taste in fashion and music. But he was not prepared to be pulled through hell and back just to be criticized about it. He was Howard Moon goddammit, and if he was a going to be a cocksucker then he was bloody well going to be a good one!

A surge of adrenaline rushed through him. He knew what to do now. He was Howard the actor, and he was going to show Montgomery Flange just what that meant.

With new resolve he took firm hold at the base of Monty’s erection. He gave a few tugs with relative ease and imagined what he himself enjoyed when spared a few moments of privacy. He once again took Monty into his mouth and when he heard a gasp of astonishment it only fuelled him on. He was going to make this crotchety old man beg for more and plead forgiveness for ever questioning his abilities.

He sucked harder now and simultaneously used his hand to slide up and down the base. His mouth was beginning to ache with the effort but he would not let that distract him. This wasn’t just a blow job. This was a mission to prove everyone wrong. To prove that he was Howard and that he could do anything.

“Ahh! Yes! Just like that...” Monty’s commentary became increasingly monosyllabic until eventually it was reduced to grunts and groans.

This was right. This was how it should be. Howard was the one in control and Monty was just putty in his hands.

But it wasn’t just Montgomery in his control, was it? It was the audience. It was anyone who would ever lend him their attention. Howard was walking on clouds as he embraced his newfound confidence. If this was all it took to be an actor then he no concerns. Still, it was hard to smile with a cock in your mouth.

Montgomery let out a strangled cry before he pulled back, and before Howard could even realise what was happening he was hit in the face with hot globs of come.

He blinked in shock. Monty breathed in shaky gasps. There was a moment of stillness in the forest that gave Howard a chance to register the warm viscous fluid that was slowly dripping down his face and collecting in his moustache.

“Well,” Monty exclaimed as he slowed buttoned up his trousers and caught his breath, “that wasn’t half bad. There might be some hope for you yet.”

Howard sat back on his knees dumbfounded. It was strange, that your emotions could so quickly change from elation to cold, stomach dropping horror. He lifted up his singlet and scrubbed at his face until he was sure there wasn’t even skin left.

Monty appeared oblivious to Howard’s ordeal. With one final click he had his belt re-latched and then slowly made his way to his armchair. He slumped down and heaved a sigh of contentment. “That was good Howard but we mustn’t get cocky. We still have a lot to cover before you’re ready.”

More?! What else would Howard be forced to endure before the night was over? He shakily stood to his feet in to face his tutor and steeled himself for the unspeakable acts that were sure to come.

Monty, with a sly smile, reached over to grab a pencil sitting on the edge of the side table.

“Lesson forty nine, object animation.”

Fin~