Forgiveness

(Author's note: My apologies to Jared and Jensen for the slash, it's my first ever and probably only one. It was just an idea that slipped through the darkness in my soul and I will probably end up on the seventh layer of hell just for thinking it. Either way, you guys kick SPN ass, keep up the great work!!)

Sam Winchester stared down at his hands as Dean moved and quietly slid his arm around his shoulders. He tried to blink back the tears that threatened but he couldn't seem to make it go away that easily. Dean wanted to talk. Dean never wanted to talk, not even when the whole Apocalypse thing was over. He pulled the usual and shoved it aside even though Sammy tried every way possible to bring the subject up, time and time again. And each time, Dean just smiled his usual smile and told Sam that everything was good now that it was over and he had his kid brother back. But it wasn't that easy for Sam, he could still see the look in his older brother's eyes when Sam knelt down in that last fight with his hands clenched tight around Dean's neck, strangling the life out of him and letting up just before those green eyes closed, just before the life left him. It wasn't something he could forget, being called a monster and the furious rage that swept through him because of it, because of the way his own brother looked at him. As if he truly believed that, no matter what Sam said, no matter how hard he tried to explain that the only reason he was doing this was to kill Lillith and then it would all be over. Dean had looked at him with fear, disgust, and a broken heart. If Sam closed his eyes right now, he could see the single tear tracing down his brother's face just before the unseen forces of good and evil tore them apart, destroying everything they worked so hard to build all those years. And now, Dean wanted to talk. Sam didn't know if he could.

"Sam?" came the soft, quiet sound of Dean's voice, filled with concern and that was all it took for Sam to crumble. "Hey, Sam, it's okay," Dean crooned softly, his arm holding tight around Sam's shoulders as the taller man leaned against him, feeling the touch of his hair against his cheek. Dean managed to set his beer down and brought the other arm around him, just as he felt more than heard Sam let out a choked sob. "Shhh...it's alright, I'm here, I gotcha," Dean whispered, hugging Sam against him and he didn't think twice about it in that moment. With Sam in his arms, Dean was sitting just right that he could lean back and lay on the bed, with Sam's head resting on his chest and almost tucked underneath Dean's chin. He felt the warmth of wet tears literally pouring down on his bare skin and the sound of it, though silent, shattered his heart into a thousand, tiny pieces. Dean didn't know what was happening, what their conversation with his brother had broken someplace inside Sam but all Dean could do was hold him, talking quietly to him, running his hand slowly up and down his back and hoping that at least would soothe the tears away and comfort his broken heart. And all Sam could do was collapse in the soothing warmth of his brother's arms and cry like there was no tomorrow.

It wasn't the fact that Sammy had demon blood in him, Dean had always been able to deal with that part of him somehow. What got him in the end, what nearly tore him apart at the seams was watching his brother take to it like some kind of supernatural addiction, needing it more and more, letting it change him into the one thing he watched him fight against for twenty-six years. In the end, it nearly took them both down on opposite sides. Still, it wasn't the reason Dean still had trouble letting go of it all. What had shaken him right down to the core of everything he was had been giving those last words, one last plea...and Sammy turned his back and walked right out on him in the end. After all the years Dean spent fighting to protect him, he lost Sam after all. When everything was said and done, his brother had chosen evil over him. That was what he couldn't seem to let go of, even now that he had him back probably the way Sam would have been had that damn demon never set foot inside the nursery. Sammy had changed, he was different and then again, he was still his kid brother. It just made no sense at all. And Dean was now twice as set on ending it as he had been back then. Only this time, he had something more to work with. This time, Dean had found the loophole and there was one and only one way he knew of that would drive the evil from his veins and from his heart for good.

"I'm sorry, Sammy," Dean breathed against the warmth of his brother's hair caressing his skin. "For everything...but it's over now, okay? No more...I know how to fix this, you just gotta trust me. That angel touched me, left his mark, it did something...and it's the only thing that's gonna work. I love you, Sam...and for you, I can do this."

Dean didn't know how long they lay there before he felt Sam move in his arms and shift closer, one leg raised and laying draped over his. He smiled softly and his hand left Sam's long, shaggy hair and traced down the hard muscled back, then up again. Sam exhaled a shaken breath and shivered at the sudden feeling of Dean's touch, though he'd already felt that touch more than once. It seemed like his emotions raged high, leaving him overly sensitive to almost anything now and Dean felt the way the warm skin moved underneath his touch. "You okay?" Dean murmured in a low, deep voice, hugging Sam against him gently when he felt him nod his response. And in the next instant, Dean's emerald, green eyes closed when a soft, lingering kiss brushed just above his collarbone, continuing upward. Dean's head tilted back automatically and though he should be telling Sam to cut that out, at least give him fair warning, he didn't have any words forming in his brain at the moment. Sam's kiss had the damndest effect on Dean imaginable. The man could kiss his cheek, innocent and chaste and Dean Winchester would follow his brother to the ends of the Earth. Just like he knew he'd be doing now.

Sam hadn't known what prompted him to nuzzle in against Dean's warm skin, only that the feeling of that strong, muscled body beneath his lips in every way was the only thing he wanted at the moment. And he knew this had to begin somewhere. So, he started where he could reach and would work his way wherever his mouth led to, not caring anymore where it took them both. They hadn't even gotten that far yet, had spent hours in bed just laying quietly, talking or enjoying the comfortable silence. Once he'd finally managed to tell Sam of his plans, of what had to be done, Dean had undressed him first, wasting no time in bringing Sam to the most mind-blowing orgasm he probably ever had, just by touching him and leaning in, whispering all those dirty little nothings in his ear. And Sam, after he'd gotten over the initial shock of Dean's unbelievable size, had gladly returned the favor, though his sweet nothings had been a little less filthier than Dean's. But now, the need and passion between them was escalating and so quickly that Sam pushed his body up over Dean, long legs on either side of his hips, resting each hand beside Dean's shoulders as he nuzzled in against his neck, biting gently right below his ear, which he found out earlier, drove the man half insane.

His jeans were somehow tossed aside and it had been an excruciating, pleasurable torment for Dean, the way Sam took his sweet time in nibbling, kissing, sucking every inch of skin those searing lips reached, teasing him almost into oblivion before the guy ever reached his bellybutton. And when that hot breath washed over him, Dean's abdomen muscles rippled hard, prompting a soft, knowing laugh from Sam. His hand slipped into those soft, shaggy locks, his breath raging hard, rising and falling in his chest with the lower he descended. Sam grinned to himself and wrapped his right hand around the base of Dean's throbbing erection, amazed that his fascinating width almost made his large hand look smaller than it was. He inhaled, just as his lips brushed across the swollen head, breathing Dean's scent deep, all heat and musk and sex. "Sam..." Dean groaned, his voice pleading and that's all Sam wanted to hear from him. His lips parted and the smooth, hard contrast slipped past and slid across his tongue, inciting a moan from Sam at the moment Dean's hips pushed up against him, hand tightening in his hair. A growl ensued and Sam leaned down, taking more of him in his mouth, letting his tongue work its magic, darting, sliding and lingering against that strong, male taste of him. His hand still clenched at the base, he let his long fingers drape down over his tender flesh, massaging gently and Dean pushed against him once more. And the string of filth that poured from Dean's mouth literally made Sam blush, the heat creeping up suddenly across his cheeks as his head bobbed over his newfound toy, licking and sucking and drawing it down as far as he possibly could, over and again.

He listened to everything Dean said and everything he didn't, finally finding his rhythm and all the secret places that tore that wild reaction from his new lover. Sam groaned against him, creating that vibration that he learned Dean loved and moving his tongue in those sweet places and sucking with a deep-seated hunger that had his own brother practically writhing underneath him, that blinding ecstasy rising higher and higher inside of him, so much that he'd lost the ability to speak, hardly remembered to breathe. And by the time Sam lightly dragged his teeth achingly slow just under the head, tongue sliding up against the rim of his hard erection, Dean screamed Sam's name and the light finally burst in bright spots behind closed eyes, every muscle his body owned tightened painfully hard and then released, again and again. His hips pushed and pulled away, seeking the heat of that delicious mouth sucking down his essence and yet, drawing away when the sensation was absolutely too damn much. Sam, on the other hand, had been waiting almost impatiently for Dean's powerful orgasm and when he felt that tiny twitch that gave him away, he leaned down and took his erection all the way down to the back of his throat, sucking harder and gave his tender flesh a knowing squeeze. He was quickly, instantly rewarded with the liquid fire bursting across his tongue but instead of pulling back, Sam's throat worked and swallowed Dean's release down over and again, moaning greedily at the sudden and surprising taste of him. It was salty and sweet, slightly bitter and yet it was the most addictive taste he'd ever known in his entire life!

Only when Sam was sure that he'd taken everything Dean had to offer did he slowly, gradually begin to lean back, laving the softening member with gentle swipes of his tongue until he heard Dean laugh nervously. He knew then that the ultimate sensitivity had kicked in and anything else would just be painful as hell. Dark, blue-green eyes raised to find a pair of stormy, bright green eyes locked on him and Sam gave Dean a devious, wicked grin and then let his tongue slide out over his bottom lip, the expression on his face would not be mistaken. Sam looked to Dean as if he'd just tasted the world's most sought after, most delicious delicacy known to man and Dean reached for him with weakened arms, exhaled a heavy sigh as he felt Sam's hair tickling against his cheek. "God, baby..." Dean managed to murmur as he felt Sam brush light kisses over his face and Dean closed his eyes, reveling in the affection his new lover lavished over him. "That was..." Dean tried again and Sam chuckled softly, bringing a sinister grin to Dean's own face in return. "Sinful," Sam finished for him and Dean's deep, gentle laughter mingled with Sam's. But the laughter died instantly as Sam's lips found Dean's, his tongue delving deep inside and Dean groaned at the taste of his essence still lingering on his lover's lips, on his tongue. God, he didn't have to drink him like that, he could have pulled back at the last second and Dean wouldn't have thought any less of Sam if he had. But no, he'd taken him flying straight through heaven and had been there with him when Dean reached the other side. There could be no actions speaking louder than words than that one thing alone.

In the blink of an eye, the tables had turned and Dean suddenly got his strength back full force. Sam found himself lifted and now lay back on the bed at the opposite end, with Dean's head buried against his neck, his mouth working wonders over his skin. "Dean..." he breathed in that low, deep voice that was rarely heard and Dean groaned just from the sound of it. Dean took his own sweet time, his mouth a tender onslaught to every inch of skin he could possibly reach and by the time he tugged Sam's jeans down, hearing his brother kick them aside, he barely made it to the middle of Sam's chest, watching as it rose and fell hard with every breath. Normally, Dean went straight at his prize but this time, he wanted things to be different, wanted to give Sam everything he'd given him a moment ago. He wanted to savor Sam's crazy heartbeat beneath his hands and his wild, raging breath under his lips. By the time Dean reached that soft, fine hair below Sam's bellybutton, he had him writhing beneath him, his hips raising toward him, silently pleading. Dean grinned to himself and reached down, his fingers circling around the base of Sam's rock-hard erection, loving the sudden gasp that tore itself from him. Unintelligible words spewed from Sam's breathless lips as Dean let his tongue brush lightly over the engorged head, groaning as he felt it slide past his lips and stroke a heated trail over his tongue. Sam cried his name in a screaming whisper as Dean released his hand and gently cupped that tender flesh, squeezing enough to cause Sam's hips to rise again.

The silken steel that burned in his mouth had Dean almost mindless in wanting to drive Sam straight out of his mind, wanting to make him forget anyone and everyone else he'd ever known, that might have ever done this. Sam was his in every way imaginable and Dean would never let him forget it. His tongue teased, tasted, lingering and massaging every secret sweet spot his new lover had, finding his own rhythm. He felt Sam's hand raking through his short, dark hair, pushing gently as Dean hit those spots over and again, his cheeks hollowed as he sucked right over the edge of the head and all the way back down, prompting a shaken sound from Sam in the process. But Dean knew one thing that Sam hadn't learned yet and he would wait until Sam couldn't stand it any longer before he'd send him right out of his damn mind. "Dean...please, I need..." And there it was. Dean squeezed his tender flesh and felt Sam buck beneath him while his tongue laved the underside once and then circled over the head, then his throat opened and he held his breath, feeling the hard, pulsing flesh of his brother's member slide all the way down his throat. The sound, the voice that tore itself from inside Sam was unbelievable and Dean pulled back, groaning at the sudden taste of that sweet, salty essence bursting inside his mouth. Sam would have screamed had he still owned his breath, his voice, but the soul-shattering pleasure that burst white-hot inside of him, flashing behind closed eyes, was more than he could stand. And Dean continued to lick and suck, bathing Sam's softening member with a hunger unmatched by any other Sam had ever known. It was only as the last of it slid down Dean's throat that Dean slowly, gently began to ease back and placed one tender kiss at the tip for good measure.

"Holy..." Sam murmured, his body covered in a thin sheen of sweat as Dean slid his muscled form up over his and sought the pliable skin of Sam's neck, kissing and biting gently, licking the tender spots where his teeth had scraped. "We're getting there..." Dean whispered, chuckling softly and he heard Sam's quiet laugh joining in. He felt weakened arms sliding around him and Dean chuckled softly, deeply as he raised his head and looked into a pair of sparkling, blue-green eyes, half-lidded with the remnants of the most powerful ecstasy he'd ever known before. Dean, following Sam's lead, leaned down and brushed tender, soft kisses over Sam's face, eliciting a quiet, soft laugh from his lover. Dean smiled sleepily and let his lips nuzzle against Sam's sweet mouth, finding a moment's hesitation when he knew Sam tasted himself on his mouth. "No?" Dean asked honestly, not wanting to continue if Sam had an issue with that but when Sam's tongue snaked out and brushed across Dean's lips, he literally crushed his mouth with his, tongue bursting deep inside, tasting and being tasted. The shock of his own essence still lingering on Dean's lips, his tongue, had Sam pulling back a little, unsure of his own reaction but when Dean asked, Sam couldn't deny him anything. It was odd, the difference in tasting Dean and then himself, he'd never known and never thought about what his own release might have felt like over his tongue but it wasn't nearly as bad as he thought. Actually, if he had to think about it and maybe he was incredibly biased, Sam thought that Dean tasted much sweeter.

"I'm never gonna ask you for more than you can give, Dean..ever again."

And when Sam leaned back, Dean eased back and looked up into those dark, blue-green eyes, his lips parted. Suddenly, it was almost like he could feel the words before he actually heard them and it left him stunned, staring back up to Sam with a wide-eyed expression. And all at once, it came rushing straight at Dean and the mist of tears sparkled in his emerald, green eyes as he continued to look up to his brother with nothing short of amazement written all over his face. He didn't even think to try and hide it, there was no point, not when he heard something like that coming from him. Sam hadn't ever done this either and yet, he wouldn't have it any other way. Dean had done this...had turned his brother's world upside down but what Sam didn't know was he'd done exactly the same. "Me, neither, babe," Dean whispered before his mind could wrap around the fact that he'd said it. "Even if this doesn't work, you'll still be my Sammy." One hand moved from around his brother, coming up to rest lightly against his cheek, fingers disappearing in that soft, dark hair that he was starting to love to touch as Sam once again turned Dean on his back.

God, the way Sam kissed him was amazing, mind-blowing if Dean really had good sense to think about it. Which, at the moment, with his brother's body lightly pressing against him, he didn't have much brain power left. Chalk that up to lack of blood to his upper half mingled with those crazy, passionate kisses that Dean swore he didn't know existed until now and as Sam teased him into a deeper kiss, Dean's head lifted slightly, surrendering as their tongues danced and warred, tasted and teased, leaving them both breathless in the end when it finally broke. The warmth of skin against skin, with Dean's arms wrapped tight and protective around Sam's body, he barely stifled a soft groan at the feeling of those lips nuzzling tenderly against his.

Sam was the only one to ever see him this vulnerable, body, mind and soul. It should have scared the bejesus right out of him but not even close. If anything, he was starting to wonder if he'd always wanted this, deep down inside, for someone to look at him and see right straight through him and clear to the other side. See past all the barriers and walls he'd built up over the years, maybe find out that there was actually a real, true heart beating somewhere inside there. Sam had seen it, Dean knew he had. And the kicker behind that one, was that he was still here.

"I love you, Dean..."

He could actually hear those walls crumbling and Dean reacted almost instantly, with his hand sliding around to the back of Sam's neck, dragging him down and crushing his mouth heatedly against his, wasting no time at all in shoving his tongue playfully, forcefully, needfully past those sweet lips. Dean's body arched up against Sam, a breathless groan escaping him into their kiss as that one solid movement of Sam's erection pressed hard against him...and all that damn fear and hesitation crumbled right along with his every defense.

"I love you, too, Sam..."

That deep, rumbling growl Sam breathed into his mouth nearly tore him half in two and the feeling of Sam's body hard against him in every way imaginable only made Dean want that again and as he felt Sam's hand sliding down, taking his rock-hard erection, Dean's hips rose to meet his touch, a growl escaping him into their kiss. God, the man just knew exactly how and where to touch him and Dean was slowly losing his mind! And there it was again, his entire body screaming with a need that he didn't understand but by now, he had a close enough idea. That was enough. Dean moved his hand from behind Sam's neck, slowly and gently breaking their kiss and reaching blindly to the side, somehow yanking open the nightstand drawer. His hand fumbled as his head tilted back, a deeper groan tearing itself from someplace deep inside, his hips arching up into Sam's touch and then arching back down against him, time and again, before his hand finally found the familiar object. Without thinking, Dean handed it over to Sam and leaned up, claiming his mouth yet again in a hotter than hell kiss just as the drawer wobbled in its brace and clattered down on the carpeted floor.

All he knew was the heat and the taste of his brother's kiss and that strong, powerful need surging hot through his veins and probably boiling the hell out of his blood in the process. Right now, he didn't care if his heart exploded, so long as this never ended! Dean felt something fall against his hip and he gasped softly for breath, a quiet frown edging across his brow but he fought back a grin when he realized Sam had dropped it. His dark, emerald green eyes lowered as Sam looked down to see what it was that slipped through his hand. Hell, no hot-blooded American male out on the road was without that little bottle of slip and slide, as Dean usually called it, irking the hell out of Sammy when he did.

But that look that Sam gave him when those dark, blue-green eyes raised to his stopped Dean's thoughts in their tracks. He stared back up at him, wide-eyed and his breath raging softly, lips swollen and parted from the delicious fire of those mind-bending kisses. It was the uncertain look in his brother's eyes that softened him and Dean let that hint of a grin appear, tugging slightly at his lips and he slowly nodded. Swallowing hard, seeing that heat and passion burning in Sam's eyes, Dean reached down and handed it back, flipped open the top. "It's...it's okay, Sammy. It's how it's gotta be," he managed to breathe the words, surprised at how quiet his voice actually was for once. "Just...just take it slow..." Dean murmured softly as he hardly blinked, not wanting to tear his eyes off Sam for a split second.

As Sam finally nodded and reluctantly leaned down a bit more, Dean's eyes closed and his body clenched just slightly at the feeling of his brother's touch, a deeper moan rumbling through him. "Oh, God..." he whispered, feeling his entire body shuddering in such a good way. Never before, had he remembered ever being touched there and it was something that surprised even Dean himself. "God, Dean...want you so damn much," Sam murmured as his head lowered, breath rushing gently against his brother's ear. "Always wanted this...always wanted you." He'd always thought he'd be disgusted with it, turned off by it but now, because of Sam and the heat of his words, knowing how much he wanted him, Dean was wanting this just as damn much. Ritual or no damn ritual! "Wanna make you mine, Dean...mine!" His hips raised upward as Sam said those words, outright telling Dean just what he wanted and he nuzzled his lips against his, feeling the hot breath across his face. Dean winced slightly as he pushed against Sam's searching hand, exhaling a deep breath the moment he felt him touching a little deeper. "More...Sammy...God...please," Dean murmured, nearly chanting in a fit of passion.

Soft, panting breaths escaped Sam with almost every move, Dean's muscled body flexing tight, arching his hips up against and toward his touch. He wanted, needed, craved more, knowing that the sudden pressure building inside of him could only be satisfied with anything Sam did. But more than that, Dean wanted Sam, wanted him in a way he'd never wanted another man, especially his own brother, had in fact denied it completely time and again. He'd have been freaked out if anyone else dared touch him there, touching inside of him but with Sam, all Dean could manage to do was beg him for more, a shuddering breath tearing from his lungs when his lover agreed, giving him exactly that and making it so much hotter by talking to him in that quiet, murmuring voice that had Dean nearly writhing against him already.

"You feel so good, so hot, so tight," Sam crooned in a hushed tone, letting his teeth scrape against the edge of Dean's neck, laving it with his tongue as he felt his brother's body slowly opening up to him. "That's it, baby...open up for me, you want this as much as I have...for years." The wicked laugh sounded like something Dean had never heard before, not coming from his Sammy. But, the words. Wanting him then as much as he did now and though his mind wrapped around the words, his lips parted to speak, to whisper against those sweet, soft lips but a low, deep groan echoed in his chest as Sam dropped his kisses down lower, across Dean's neck and his head tilted instantly. His hips slowly rocked against his touch, shivering as that hot breath seared across his ear and the sound of that wicked laughter Sam gave had almost been enough to make Dean come right then and there! "Touch yourself, Dean...let me see you..." Somehow, his brain registered the request and Dean's right hand slid across his hip, fingers curled tight at the base of his erection, sliding up slowly, fingers brushing over the head. Dean's jaw clenched tight and he growled Sam's name as his hand slid harder and faster, tightening around the head, hips pumping both against his fist and Sam's intimate touch, feeling his body actually opening up to him.

In a split second, Sam moved his hands away from him and suddenly, Dean gasped softly, feeling the emptiness that one small move gave him. Of course, it didn't last but a second, thank God, and his lover was moving that gorgeous, muscled body back up over his, with Dean sliding an arm around him, the other hand still gripped his leaking erection. But when he looked down to see Sam doing the same, touching himself like that, a broken groan escaped him. He felt the heat of Sam's breath caressing his neck and Dean turned his head toward the sound of his voice, nodding as much as his upstairs brain would allow. "It's gonna hurt...we'll go slow, Dean," Sam whispered against his brother's soft, pouting mouth, feeling him nod. "But it'll fade...okay? We can do this."

"Sammy..." Dean hissed through clenched teeth the very instant he moved his hips upward and felt Sam breach him and damn, he was right about the pain. Christ, this was it. This was how he would go. His heart would explode, burst right out of its seams and kill him. But, oh, what better way to die than this! Dean gasped hard, trying to will his body to stop clenching, tensing, aching...and then, Dean moved again, sliding his hand down over Sam's back at the sound of Sam's deep, rumbling groan. "Dean, baby, hold still..." This time, he held still and took a deep breath somehow, feeling the edge of Sam's hard, hot erection resting just inside of him, just past what felt like the hardest part because after a minute, all Dean felt was the movement of his own hand still stroking. "Dean?" Sam breathed, his voice rasping with a strong, passionate edge. "I'm okay," Dean gasped, swallowing hard as his inner muscles threatened to clench against Sam but this time, when he moved with his lover, feeling him sliding even deeper, that gut-wrenching pain was slowly starting to fade into something much more wonderful.

Sam let out a soft, breathless groan, feeling his entire body suddenly arch into Dean as his lover moved with him, drawing away and then back again. And once that horrific pain finally began to ease up, there was a slow, honey-like pleasure that felt like it started all the way down in his toes and was creeping its way up across his knees by the time he felt Sam's soft kiss brushed against his neck. Dean was practically writhing beneath Sam as he felt him leaning back, his eyes opened and the instant he looked down into those sparkling, emerald eyes glazed over with passion, he reached, moving his hand from Dean's chest and trailing it up over his shoulder, brushing the tips of his fingers down the curve of his cheekbone and across those sweet lips that Sam could not seem to get enough of. His own eyes, though he didn't have a clue, had actually brightened into a soft, deep blue that sparkled and danced with every move they shared together, his pleasure matching that of his lover and his brother.

Sam moved again, that achingly slow rhythm and though Dean wanted to just push hard against him, wanted to feel him sliding as deep as he could possibly go, there was a part of him that still felt that rough edge of pain lingering and doing too much too soon might bring it back full force. So, he was content as hell to submit, again, to Sam, giving and taking everything that was theirs and theirs alone. And when he felt Sam's hand touching him, Dean's eyes nearly fluttered closed, his lips parted with a soundless gasp at the sound of his name in that smooth, wicked groan. Dean's hand fell from his lover's face, sliding down to the middle of his chest and his hips now matched Sam's every move with his own, wanting and needing to hold back, just long enough to reach that unknown heaven together, to reach a destiny he never knew existed. And then it happened...something inside of him seemed to snap and Dean literally ground himself against his brother's hips. It hit him again and again, a sweet, bursting sensation somewhere deeper, a choking sob escaped him as every muscle he possessed tightened and left his body shattered. Dean hadn't even realized he screamed Sam's name just seconds before the darkness swirled in around him and Sam filled him completely.

The next thing Dean Winchester knew was the touch of a hand and something else, moving softly across his abs and his green eyes opened as he looked down to see Sam with a warm, wet wash cloth. At first, he just blinked at seeing what his brother had done but then the realization struck and Dean just shook his head. Before either one of them could even catch their breath or probably remember their own name, Sam had done that one, small little thing that caused Dean's facial expression to soften entirely. How did he even think of that? Dean could hardly guess what time it was now and Sammy had thought to do something like that...for him. God knew it amazed the hell out of him and at the same time, made him almost want to cry. Okay, where the hell did that come from?

He looked up into those sparkling, blue-green eyes and everything seemed to hit Dean all at once and when he felt it, felt the burn of hot tears behind closed eyes, his arm tightened around Sam, as if he were some kind of anchor and Dean was afraid of drifting out to sea. And he could curse this, curse himself all he wanted, it didn't change a damn thing. Only a blind, deaf fool would miss what had happened here and he was anything but that. He survived on pure instinct daily and even if this was completely different, it didn't hide the fact that Dean knew too much at once and it was so overwhelming that he wasn't so sure he could fight against it. Maybe Sammy knew what he'd done, what they'd done, and maybe he didn't but Dean knew his brother wasn't stupid, he had to know. He had to have felt the exact same thing Dean felt and my God, that's when it really dawned on him that this was not just sex. Had never been about sex. This...it was making love of the purest kind, something he had not known once.

"Dean...it's okay. You can't hold onto it forever, it's over now, let it go." That soft, gentle voice made Dean's first tear fall, knowing that Sam had picked up on it and still, Dean didn't curse anything, not even himself for the chick flick moment. Once in a while, maybe he was allowed and this was it, this would be it for a while or maybe forever. He wasn't going soft and he wasn't...ah, Jesus, no way. No way. Shoving that thought aside, Dean remembered that he hadn't answered but all he could manage to do was nod and that's when the second tear fell, making him bite back a curse this time when another soon followed. He tried, he really did, tried so damn hard to shove it back, push it away, drag it down...and the tears, they just kept coming, just kept falling against Sam's warm skin and all Dean could do then was let go. All Sam could do was pull Dean in his arms above him now, close against his chest, right against his heart. Dean didn't so much as make a sound more than breathing softly, a few broken breaths now and again but he didn't dare trust himself to speak. Not now, not yet. Just like everything else, this would pass, it would. And so, Dean shifted and scooted a bit closer, his head now laying directly over Sam's heart and he tried to let the soft, gentle sound drown everything else out that silently raged on inside of him.

Dean tried everything imaginable to push this back down, he'd been damn good at it all his life, not letting that little hint of his true self creep up to the surface. And he never cried, not really, not like this. Well, maybe when he lost Sammy that time, when he thought he finally blew it and let his brother die. Or maybe when those terrifying memories of his time in hell came crashing down a time or two and gotten the better of him. And of course, Dean cried when his father died, that was a given. But all that was out of fear or grief or whatever it was at the time, and this wasn't. This was far from any of that. Dean didn't want to let go, the last thing he wanted to do was revert back to infant stage and cry all over Sam's chest like that but when Sam said it was alright, that he couldn't keep it inside forever, to let it go, that's exactly what he found himself doing in the end anyway, whether he liked it or not. He was surprised, really, to know he had any tears left after almost losing his kid brother...again, to this. No one had seen more than a tear or two because Dean managed to keep what he was feeling inside hidden, locked away only until he was alone and could let it go. Sam would be one of the few to ever see this side of him but Dean didn't think even once about Sam ever saying anything about it later. Not this time.

The steady, quiet breath that he heard rushing through Sam's chest, the calm, drumming beat of his heart, reminding him that he wasn't dreaming, that Sam was really here. How those arms around him were practically holding Dean together and the warmth of his naked skin resting against him here and there, the differences and all the similarities that made them who they were and also complimented the perfection of how well they fit together like this, and like they had before. Dean could still feel his own body pulsating inside, almost as if Sam's body was still joined with his, reaching a part of him that no one else ever dared. And how it felt much deeper than he knew it had actually been at the time, touching someplace further inside of him that had absolutely nothing at all to do with sex and everything to do with the concrete reason behind his sudden, silent outburst of tears. The gentleness of his brother's hand running over his back, a soft kiss against his head that made Dean grin slightly, in spite of himself, and then that surprisingly tender touch of Sam's hand against his cheek, caressing as he murmured in that quiet, deep voice. "Everything's gonna be alright now, I gotcha," Sam said, holding Dean warm and tight against him, his own salty tears sliding down the side of his face, disappearing into his dark, shaggy locks.

For the first time since anyone had ever said those words to Dean, he didn't scoff or laugh or come up with some smartass comment. This time, when Sam said it, he was starting to think he could actually believe it. "I know," Dean whispered, moving one arm to bring the side edge of the blanket up. He reached up and tenderly wiped Sam's tears away, then his own off Sam's chest and his own face, Dean lay his head back down as they turned on their sides, facing one another. "I don't regret this." He was quick to add that, needing for his brother to know that above all else because regret was not in Dean's vocabulary when it came to Sam. He could think of a few other things, though, much better things and that thought made him honestly grin. "Me, neither," Sam replied, a tired smile etched across his face as Dean looked up at him with those amazing, green eyes. "It's like I could almost feel something move...inside me, inside my soul," Sam continued, not knowing exactly what he meant but it was there all the same. Like something shifted inside of them both, something strong and powerful. "I know, Sammy, me too," Dean murmured softly, swallowing hard as Sam's dark, blue-green eyes misted with tears. "You were right, Dean...it worked, it's gone," Sam whispered with a smile as Dean's warm, muscled body slid up against his, claiming Sam's mouth for his own all over again.


The End...for now.