Midnight Dreams

He hadn't slept in two nights, going on the third. Sure, he pretended to sleep but it was all an act until he heard the unmistakeable sound of his brother's soft snoring from across the narrow path seperating their hotel beds. And then, Sam would be awake again, head laying on his pillow with one arm tucked underneath. Dark, blue-green eyes fixed on the sight before him. Dean. All quiet, save for the sound of his breath. It was in times like these that Sam had become addicted to watching him, only when he was sleeping, unaware. Dean. With his full, pouty lips slightly parted, those amazing eyes that reminded Sam of emeralds lay closed and the expression on his face was unlike anything he ever saw in the light of day. Dean looked innocent, at peace when he slept, as if his mind shut down as a soldier and he returned to the true form of a man in those few hours. At times, especially when one the dreams plagued him, Dean reminded Sam of a little boy all over again.

Those lips pouting even more and the frown of a boy trying to be strong. He watched, fascinated, as Dean's hand clenched the scratchy comforter in a white-knuckled grip and the sound from him had Sam sitting up in his bed without his reaction dawning on him. When a hard breath pushed past Dean's lips and the frown darkened, Sam pulled his covers back in time to see Dean kick against those covering him. "Dean..." Sam murmured and moved with caution, always afraid to wake his brother from a nightmare, never knowing just how bad it was. For two weeks, he sported one hell of a shiner that came from one such night back in Buffalo. All Dean said to Sam was warn him to keep his distance and he'd eventually work his way out of it. Sam tried that, for the last two nights he tried that and here, they were going on the third. He loved watching Dean sleeping but he hated the outcome that showed it's face nine times out of ten.

Dean whirled over onto his side, one long arm striking out at some unseen monster and Sam bent both knees, grasping Dean's wrist in an attempt at holding that one at bay. Now, if he could only grab the other one. "Sam...Sammy!" Dean called out in a panic that wrenched around Sam's heart with a vise-like grip. "Aw, Dean, it's okay...it's just a nightmare," he whispered and took the opportunity of Dean turning on his back to climb up quickly and pin his legs with his hips. He was even more careful of doing that one because the last time Dean had a knee-jerk reaction, Sam's balls felt like oatmeal. "Shhh, Dean, it's okay, I'm right here," Sam murmured, leaning down a little but not too close. With his other hand taking Dean's wrist, he knew that Dean could head-butt him into last year if he had a mind to. "I'm right here..." Sam whispered as Dean struggled against him. "SAM! NO!" Dean screamed it this time and Sam's heart stopped. "Dean! C'mon, Dean, you gotta wake up!" Sam screamed back, fighting against his brother's struggles and for a moment, Dean bucked underneath him so hard that Sam nearly lost his balance and went flying across the bed and into the floor.

"DEAN!" Sam yelled again, louder this time and when those dark, emerald orbs shot open and stared up at him with such raw fear, Sam reacted instantly and let go, pulling Dean up and into his arms. And there he held him, tight against him and he could feel Dean's heart racing so hard that Sam wondered if it would simply burst. "It's alright now, Dean, I gotcha," Sam cooed against his brother's short, dark hair. "It was just a nightmare, it's over now," he murmured softly, not knowing he'd started rocking them both until the first sob hit Dean and shook the breath right out of his younger brother. What the hell had he been dreaming about that could drive a man like Dean to tears?! "It's alright, it's me, it's Sammy...it's over now, everything's okay. We're both okay, nothing's happened, no demons, no monsters, just you and me," Sam rambled, thinking maybe the sound of his voice would settle whatever horrors had been tearing through his brother's mind. But Dean continued to sob against him, literally crying his heart out!

Sam had dealt with alot from Dean over the years. He dealt with cocky, smartass, hunter, protector, saviour, dejected, rejected, even frightened Dean. There were a few others but nothing else came to mind. What he was dealing with now, Sam had no idea how to fix it. Broken. It was the only word Sam could use to describe whatever Dean was going through. All he could do was hold him there, wrapped up in his arms and safe, rocking, talking quietly. And come morning, Dean would go back to his usual self and this whole thing would never be brought up again. Like a forgotten moment in time that came and went, disappeared and was no more. But for all that Sam was worth, he would do this. He would be right here until Dean ended up shoving him away and back to his own bed, if only he could make that terrified look in his brother's green eyes disappear just as quickly.

"Sam?" Dean's muffled voice came against Sam's chest. He realized then with Dean's breath that his t-shirt was practically soaked with Dean's tears. "Yeah, it's me, bro'. I'm right here, not going anywhere." Dean had been laying almost limp against his younger brother but now, Sam felt Dean slide an arm around him and hold tight. Sam didn't dare utter a word. Saying anything now would pull Dean away from him and he didn't want that. For once, just once, Sam wanted to be the one protecting Dean, the one holding him, telling him everything was going to be okay, he wanted to be the one to comfort Dean just this once. And Dean was letting him do it! Another arm joined the first until Sam rested his chin atop Dean's soft, yet spiky dark hair and a peaceful grin tugged at his lips. Sam still hadn't stopped rocking because he felt Dean's breath hitching softly, felt more tears but this time, they'd moved and Sam found Dean's head against another part of his chest. Placed strategically right over his heart.

Sam had gone from pinning Dean down to practically sitting in his brother's lap and it should have been wierd but it wasn't. Not this time. And since Dean himself didn't automatically hurl Sam away from him, he figured maybe Dean minded it even less. It was just as comforting to Sam as it was Dean, being there with him like this. Finally being the one to wash all the hurt away in any way he could, the same as his older brother had done for him on countless occasions. Dean was always and forever saving Sam's ass in one bind after another. Sam wanted to be the saviour this time and it was phenomenal that Dean surrendered to that.

"I-I couldn't...couldn't stop it, Sam." Sam heard the broken tone in Dean's voice and tears sprang to his eyes so fast that he had trouble seeing the cheesy wallpaper above Dean's bed. He blinked a time or two, stunned that Dean was talking about this. Actually talking. About how he felt! "Go on," Sam coaxed gently, knowing that if he said too much too soon, it would have Dean's mouth welded tighter than the Hoover Dam. "They...they came for you...and I couldn't stop them," Dean stuttered and Sam heard him stifle one of those earlier sobs. He moved one arm and rested it on Dean's back, letting it glide very slowly down and back up again, repeating the process. His rocking slowed only noticeably but he kept the rhythm enough that Dean would feel safe where he was.

"They came after me?" Sam nearly breathed his words, as gentle as he possibly could. He was surprised to feel Dean nod his response and shuffle in against him a little closer. Sam's other arm tightened. "Dean?" After a moment, Sam continued, choosing his words carefully. "Can you tell me who they were?" Sam felt Dean stiffen in his arms and his first reaction was to tense, ready for whatever might happen next. If Dean flung him off, he'd try and catch his fall by leaning backwards toward the foot of the bed. If Dean reared back, Sam's arm that moved over his back would be the first to block the blow.

But, nothing happened. And Dean stayed right where he was. All Sam heard was a quiet sniffle, followed by another. "The-the demons, Sam....I tried everything," Dean's breath ghosted against Sam's chest and Sam felt his heartrate kick up speed. Dean picked up on it and those arms cinched around Sam's ribs now, taking a little of his breath with them. "Thousands...thousands of them, Sammy...all coming for you," Dean whispered, as if to speak the secret too loud would cause that same scenario right in that same second. Sam knew why this was happening, he knew now why he hadn't been able to sleep, why Dean's nightmares plagued his heart so much that he felt it breaking at times. He might not act or look the same anymore but deep down, Sammy was still the same guy and he loved Dean more than anything. More than his own life, if it came right down to it.

But since Dean confessed to him that Castiel had told him everything, all the things Sam had been trying to keep from his brother, this had been the end result. Sam had broken the Winchester code of law and ethics. He lied to his brother, went behind his back and did things he once promised he'd never do and Dean was the one suffering for it in the end. This is what he caused by having such good intentions. Even Pamela warned him only seconds before she died, right there almost in his arms. His good intentions were not what he thought they were, meaning that Ruby's intentions were even less credible than his own. Dean had seen this coming, Sam knew it, he felt it. And now, everything that was going wrong between them was coming out full force and Sam was helpless to do anything but wish he'd listened and kept his promises to his brother.

"God, Dean...I'm sorry," Sam murmured quietly. "I'm...I'm so sorry, I never meant for any of this to happen." He knew he shouldn't be talking so much already but in knowing how much his actions were breaking his own brother's heart, he just couldn't seem to stop the flow of words that should have been spoken months ago. "I never wanted this, you know I didn't. My God, Dean, I was only six months old when the yellow-eyed demon came for me. I saw what he did, I know how he changed me and all those years I begged you to kill me, that time when Dad told you to kill me for what I might become, it was wrong. It was so wrong for me to ask that, it was wrong of Dad, too." Sam stopped, swallowed the lump in his throat and he finally realized that there were hot tears streaming down his own face. But Dean hadn't drawn away from him, he was still there, still holding onto him so maybe, just maybe, Sam hadn't lost everything with his brother because of something he couldn't control anymore.

"And you...all you've ever done is try and protect me, try and save me. Christ, Dean, you went to Hell for me, just so I could be right where I am right now. Sitting here with you, telling you things I should have told you months ago. Years ago." His voice was still just as quiet, gentle as before but the truth that came spilling forth had an edge to it that even he hadn't heard before. "And I went and broke the last promise I ever made to you. The only thing you ever asked of me, I went behind your back and broke it and this is what came of it," he said, breathing his words against the touch of Dean's hair when his brother straightened a little more. And it nearly broke Sam when he noticed that Dean still kept his ear over his heart. "I've lied to you, you know that. The angel told you everything and what I really can't get over is...is how you never walked out on me before. How you just...kept hanging in there, thinking it's going to change, that you could save me and Dean...I-I wish...I wish you could," Sam whispered, his own voice breaking considerably in the end. "I know it's hard to believe, I wouldn't blame you if you didn't...but I did it for you, for us. Everything, it was for us so we could be together in this and I could finally use these powers I have for good instead of evil. All the things I've done, I really thought I was doing something good but all I've done is what they wanted me to in the end. All I've done is push you further and further away from me and I don't know...I don't know how to get that back. I don't know how to turn back, Dean."

The silence that followed Sam's words was downright deafening. It sounded as if the whole world outside that door stopped, ceasing to exist. But at least he couldn't hear the sound of Dean's tears anymore and Sam had stopped rocking them. What he could hear were the sounds of his own muffled sobs, tasted the copper of blood on his tongue from having bit his lower lip so hard. And now, it was Dean that rocked him, that calm and soothing movement that never ceased to amaze Sam how quickly one could settle the other one down just by doing something so small and simple in another's eyes. Maybe it was because Dean remembered their mother doing that for him and maybe it was because Sam didn't remember. And their father had done so only on rare occasions.

"It's never too late, Sammy," Dean whispered against the shoulder he now lay his cheek against, having regained a part of his strength only when he heard Sam's tears tugging at his heart. It never failed, not once. His younger brother could have tears in his eyes a mile away and Dean would just know. "It's never too late, bro'," Dean mimicked his last words and Sam felt Dean's hand splayed out across his back, the touch of it gliding back down and up again. "We'll figure something out, okay?" Those golden words. They were like a prayer whenever Dean said them because Sam knew in his heart, from past experience, that Dean not only meant them but he would do anything and everything possible to come through on it.

That wasn't what Sam wanted and he leaned back, his tear-stained face mirrored Dean's. "No," he stated in what was meant to be a much stronger voice. "No, Dean...not this time, this one's mine. I started this and you've got to let me finish it. This is my fault, all of it." Dean looked up into those blue-green eyes that had hardly changed color since Sammy was a baby. The look he saw shining back at him came close to breaking the remnants of his heart. With a deep breath, Dean raised both arms and put his hands on each side of Sam's face, forcing him to look at him whenever he tried to glance away. "That's not an option," Dean whispered once more in a voice that caught Sam's attention immediately. He thought Dean would be furious when Sam defied him, expected it as much as he knew he would breathe. His brother's voice sounded...gentle, compassionate, and yet, unyielding. It didn't take much for Dean to see that Sam was confused by his reaction. He probably should have been furious at all the things Sam had done behind his back, all the lies. But the one thing Dean had known, the one thing that had been instilled in him since he was just four years old was that he had to protect Sammy. Had to look out for him, had to save him from whatever kind of evil lurked in the shadows. And through it all, that hadn't changed one bit. "We started this together, Sam," Dean said quietly and Sam was stunned to see what looked like a hint of that determined grin on his brother's face. "And we...are going to end it. Together."

Sam opened his mouth to protest and quickly slammed it shut. He could never argue with Dean, not when he finally reached the point where he could talk to Sammy, where he could let got and let all the love and fierce loyalty to his brother, their family, shine through in his eyes, his smile and in his voice. As much as Sam had been so dead-set on being the one to protect Dean, to save him and keep him safe from everything they faced ahead, it dawned on him that this time, it wasn't Dean taking over and looking after his younger brother. This time, they would be looking out for one another, finding a way out of this together. "Starting tomorrow," Dean said, his voice sounding tired but it held that strong quality that always made Sam feel as if nothing could ever go wrong again. "Together?" Sam asked in the same weary tone and he watched, fascinated, as Dean smiled. It was the first, true smile Sam had seen on his brother's face in months and he could feel the warmth in his heart beginning to mend all the rips, cracks, and tears that had been destroying him. "Together," Dean echoed with that stubborn determination that Sam loved so much. Sam's honest, dimpled smile mirrored Dean's and just when Sam thought Dean would crack a joke and threaten to toss him off the bed, Dean once again amazed him by leaning in and taking Sam in his arms. Sam didn't hesitate in hugging his brother so tight that all he could do was bury his face in Dean's shoulder and wait until tomorrow. And tonight, maybe Sam could finally fall asleep.


~Fin~

(TBC?)