That Which Holds Us Together

His first sermon after the mutiny. The guns provided security, but he'd found himself back to his worst habits. He'd been trying to get drunk, but he didn't feel the effects of the alcohol quite yet.

"So say we all, as they say. The words have power, even to us, who believe in the True God. It means we all feel the same as those we are surrounded by, and are united by our agreement. So say we all. We hear this said, all the time, without thinking of its meaning. It reflects the most basic human need, that for our fellow men. We need to be united. More than ever, now, we need to feel united with each other."

There was a new member at his congregation that night. He knew instantly who it was, without even really looking at him- he'd expected him to be there. He was pleased to see him. They needed the same closure, though he was going to try to be understanding, to realize that not all the pain was his. He at least had gotten his last words. He'd even, almost, gotten to tell him how much he loved him, which was much more than this man had gotten.

"I hope that you all share my feelings about the last few weeks worth of life in this fleet. No one is to be demonized or rejected for his part in the proceedings. Life has become all too precious, and we must not shy away from living it. We must stop eating our own. Reach out and love someone, someone who needs it. Unite in more than just words. So say we all? So are we all. Goodnight."

He felt that man's eyes on him. Hoshi, his name was. He reached to click the wireless off, and joined hands with the closest of his circle, Jeanne and Tracy Anne on each side. He knew the man would wait, so he took his time with them, deciding not to call him out. It wouldn't be fair to embarrass him. Not right now.

"Doctor," he heard faintly, as he dropped the women's hands. The officer was closer, just behind his shoulder now. He turned to face him properly. The man didn't look much older than he was, and had a passive, weak look. There was something canine about him, subdued and loyal.

Gaius peeled away from his circle to follow the man into the hallway. "Lieutenant," he started to say, but coudln't finish the word, the last syllable dead on his lips. Suddenly he was overcome with feelings that cracked and shattered. He needed to reach out for something, and the first thing he touched was Hoshi's shoulder.

"You called him that." There was an understanding in his voice, his eyes gentle.

"Yes... always. Often when I forgot his name." Something about Mr. Hoshi made him feel the need to be incredibly, soul-bearingly honest.

"Call me Louis," he said, as he took his hand off of his shoulder, gently reminding him it had been there too long.

"Louis. I'll try. I've never been very good with names, you see."

"Doctor-"

"Gaius, please. I'm sorry." Suddenly he felt the start of the alcohol, the effects of the last few draining weeks.

"Gaius." Louis was trying to maintain composure, to smile. He had a certain warmth, even now. "Will you come with me?"

"Yes, of course." He'd just follow at first. The other man didn't seem to want to talk in the hallway, reserving his emotions for when they were alone. The size and scope of the Galactica had always intrigued him, and it seemed that Mr. Hoshi led him through the history of the whole ship. Past the medical ward, the CIC, the laboratory. Other days, he would have thought, here I spoke with Ellen, with President Roslin, with Tom Zarek, but today, all he could think was, here I saw Felix Gaeta, and didn't appreciate him.

They inevitably arrived at his empty quarters. Louis turned the crank of the door, sealing them inside. He wasn't sure if he imagined the stale air from the room or not.

"I haven't had the heart to go through his things. Everything is how he left it."

"Oh, Louis." He wasn't sure what to think, why the words poured from his lips the way they'd always said that about Felix. Oh Felix. "I'm so sorry."

And things were just as he'd left them. The table even had their empty mugs of coffee, the empty pitcher, the cigar ashes. Those last few words still lingered in the air. He wasn't sure how he could quite stand it. And yet, Mr. Hoshi was immobile, drained. "I wish I'd gotten my chance to see him one last time. I heard- he requested to speak with you."

"I had to beg the Admiral. He- no, we needed absolution for our sins."

"Was that what you gave him?"

"I hope it was. He offered it to me, as well. Forgiveness. I wish only I'd listened to him sooner, not about anything, just... really listened."

They stood in silence for a moment, surveying the empty room, bleak as it was. Felix hadn't lived it very long, only since his 'accident.' Gaius wasn't sure there had been any happy memories in this room. He'd never seen another officer's quarters, but he'd always imagined they'd be somewhat personalized, scattered with at least a few trinkets, personal items. But this room was as spare as it would have been if no one had ever lived here.

"Did you love him?"

"Yes," he answered without reservation. "But by the time I knew that I loved him, it was too late. He never believed me, when I spoke the words."

"He loved you. I could tell. Sometimes after... he'd get this faraway look. Like he was wondering what it would be like-"

"But he loved you, Louis. You gave him something no one else in the world gave him." He tried to reassure him, a hand on his back.

"It wasn't enough for him. Everything I gave him... and he still loved you." He wouldn't look at him.

"I don't understand it either. I'm so selfish, Louis." The hand dropped, limp and useless. "At first, I played games with him. I flattered him, seduced him. He was so naive. So eager. I did that, you see, with everyone. I was never honest with anyone in the world."

"I should hate you." Now he looked at him, jaw set.

"You wouldn't be alone in that, if you did."

"Show me what he liked about you."

"I don't think I could. Not now." The intensity of his drunkeness, which probably accounted for his honesty and his willingness to talk, had started to wane. He decided he'd overstayed his welcome, that the tension between them had grown uncomfortable, but the other man put his hand on the hatch to stop him from leaving.

"Stay with me."

"What are you asking me to do, Mr. Hoshi?" He wasn't hostile, the question was innocent.

"Sleep with me."

"Why?"

"Closure." And he leaned in, catching his lips. It was tender, at first, lips only slightly insistent against his own, until there was a hand in his hair and he was forced against the officer, a strange, intense sweetness. Gaius realized, he's pretending I'm Felix. But he didn't stop him. He reaped what he sowed.

Louis was incredibly attentive to his actions, his lips accommodating and soft. He parted them just slightly and for a second Gaius felt what it was like to be loved. It almost felt familiar. The lips slid over his jaw and across his throat, the hand in his hair pulling his head just back enough to let him kiss. He understood fantasy, and searched Louis for clues as to how he should behave, but the man was too busy lost in what he was doing, undoing Gaius's jacket from the bottom up, sliding his hands under it at the shoulders to move it off of him.

Gaius caught his lips again, pulling him closer, starting to unbutton his uniform as well. His fingers were only too familiar with the fastenings of these jackets. He started at the top, the way he'd always done for Felix, and wasn't surprised at all to see his flight wings. He had to trace his fingers over them. Louis didn't notice, and slid his hands up his undershirt, stroking up his body, hands mapping out skin that wasn't his, pushing the garment up and off of him. His clothes weren't right, so it was best to be rid of them. He helped Louis to shed his clothes, as well, too overwhelmed by the emotions of the moment to be as specific in gesture.

The other man was particular to a fault, hands seeking out sensitive spots that didn't quite please him the way the touches were intended, though he moaned accordingly. Palms slid over his shoulders, fingertips down along his spine to circle around at the waist. Louis met his eyes with a little sad smile as he touched his belt buckle.

He nodded. While the officer wasn't very specific with his words, his hands said everything he could have. He took special care, once the fastenings were dealt with, to slide the pants and undergarments down in one gesture and helped him out of his shoes, his socks next. This was a familiar touch to him, there had never been any socks in their bed. Louis nuzzled his hip, gentle, taking a moment to anticipate what he intended to do.

"Lie down," was a somewhat firm suggestion. It felt sacrilegious to lay in his bed, as much as it resembled the first one they'd shared, the one that he'd used before he'd moved to Colonial One. He did, on his back, and watched as the officer stripped himself. Then Louis settled down on top of him, knees between his legs, and kissed his lips. Gaius slid his hand up to pet over his back, almost mimicking his gestures, gentle, feeling the texture of his skin. Had he ever taken the time to savor him like this?

Louis produced lubricant from between the mattress and the wall, and went to work with it, his fingers predictably gentle, stretching him so he'd be comfortable. Under any other circumstance, he would have considered rushing him, slight discomfort resulting in more friction, but he wasn't about to interrupt the officer's routine. He gasped softly; Louis was good with his fingers.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes," he breathed, and Louis spread his legs for him, hooking one up over his hips to get the position just right. He was passive at first, allowing the officer to press into him, gentle at first, though with each thrust of his hips he increased in intensity. Gaius rocked up against him, meeting him, and the older man was taking far more care to contact his prostate than any male lover he'd had, more focused on his pleasure than anything. It wasn't all meticulous; their mouths met, breathless and impassioned, though their eyes avoided that contact. The officer teased his fingers over his cock, patterns that he even now recognized. So that was how he'd really liked it.

A few soft grunts and Hoshi came inside him, tensing and holding his hip hard against himself. Before his disappointment had time to register, the officer had slid down his body to take him into his mouth, sucking hard, no teasing involved. It was sudden and unexpected, for Gaius at least, and pulled him to climax rather abruptly.

"Lieutenant..." he moaned, arching back against the mattress.

There was a deadening silence as they realized what he'd just done. Louis politely but cooly licked him clean, and rose to go. Gaius caught at his wrist.

"Don't leave," he says this time.

After a moment of measured silence, Louis pushed him onto his side, leaning against him. He didn't seem to want to be alone anymore than Gaius did, to think too much about what they'd just done.

"Between us, I think he had one lover that satisfied him," he found himself saying. "I know he loved you."

The officer was silent. When Gaius awoke in the morning, Louis was gone. Whatever brief bond had held them together had disappeared.