Iguana Fuck You Like an Animal

By the time Clark heard the roaring of the flames, the firefighters were already there, three people were on the lawn watching their home burn, and hoses were shooting water. Clark paused for only a second, wondering whether helping out — maybe even just a breath passed off as a strong gust of wind? — was wise or worth risking his secret. After all, the family was safe. He knew the Hendersons somewhat; Mrs. Jane Henderson preferred to use organic produce in her cooking and had invited him in on his deliveries on occasion, and her older son, Ephram, had been in Clark's History class in senior year. He was away at college, though. His younger brother, Derrick, was loud and hyperactive, and Mr. Gerard Henderson was a stern man who spared few words to the likes of a farmboy.

So that meant there should have been three people present on a late spring afternoon. Then why was it that he heard a voice calling from inside the house?

There were lots of possible explanations, and Clark ran through them as he sped into the building, going around the back, through a door completely engulfed in flames. Maybe Derrick had had a friend over. No, the voice sounded older than that. Well, maybe Mrs. Henderson was the one with a friend over. A male friend? Mr. Henderson didn't seem the type for friends... A neighbor? Maybe. The voice didn't sound familiar, but that didn't mean anything for sure. Clark couldn't know everyone in Smallville, even if he had saved most of their lives at least once. A visiting relative? Quite possible. A hidden-away, shoved-in-a-closet, not-talked-about-in-public relative? Equally possible, given that it was Smallville.

But when Clark made it through the door of what appeared to be little Derrick's fast-burning room, there wasn't anyone in sight.

Maybe he'd misheard? Maybe it was another room? Another building? Someone outside?

"Oh, thank God, Allah, Buddha, and Krishna you're here!"

Clark was close enough to identify the source of the sound. Even so, he wasn't sure he was definitely hearing correctly. After all...

"Not that I believe in any of them, but still. Get me out of here!"

...iguanas weren't supposed to be able to talk.

"Do you want me to ask nicely? Okay. Pretty please get me the fuck out of here before this building collapses on us both!"

It was time to stop wondering. It was Smallville. That was enough of an explanation. If it wasn't meteor rocks, someone who had been messing with them probably altered reality or punched time. Or something. It was Smallville. Clark willed his mind to stop trying to look for a "logical" explanation for the talking iguana, grabbing its cage and running.

It felt a little more like stealing than saving. It was a lizard, after all.

"I should get you back to — Derrick, I guess?"

And still, somehow, he hadn't expected it to give him a reply. "Oh, God, no. If I have to see that little bastard again..."

So... home it was.

---

Martha was in Metropolis. Again. With Lionel. Clark might have called to tell her about the iguana, but he didn't want to interrupt whatever she might be doing, and something about calling her when Lionel might be in hearing range was off-putting.

The iguana confirmed that he could really talk as soon as Clark got him into the loft of the barn. And then he wouldn't shut up. He began with a tirade about speeding, and humans shouldn't be allowed to run like that, poor creatures like him could get rattled all around, and he had, thank you very much, and, by the way, how the hell did that happen? Then he went on to celebrate "finding someone like me, oh thank God!" and explained that he had been in Ephram's possession as a young iguana when the first meteor show had come, which had been when he'd finally "figured out" how to talk to the lonely little Henderson boy, who had, unfortunately, suddenly become mute. Clark felt guilty for not having noticed. The iguana reassured him that it was okay, a lot of people didn't notice Ephram, and that was why he needed his pet, but that only made Clark feel more guilty. But then Ephram had gone off to college, and he'd made human friends, and ownership of his pet had defaulted to Derrick, who liked to pull on his tail, forgot to feed him all the time, and, oh yeah, he talked all the time and barely let him get a word in edgewise.

"Wow, that must be awful," Clark said, his voice laced with so much sarcasm that he could almost feel himself choking on it.

"It was," the iguana moaned, then paused. "Could you let me out of this cage already? I need to stretch my legs."

Clark looked at him skeptically for a moment, and then figured that it wouldn't really bother him that much if the iguana did decide to run away. He undid the latch, and the lizard crawled out lazily, and then stretched his legs. Really stretched his legs. It looked like some strange kind of pilates done on four legs. "What's your name?"

"Raphael Michelangelo Donatello Leonardo." Clark stared at him, and he gave a little lizard shrug. "The kid liked the Turtles. Anyway, you can call me Rafe."

"Right. So, Rafe—" He was cut off by the ringing of his cell phone before he could ask what it was that Rafe planned to do with himself now that he was free from "Derrick the Destroyer." He sighed and dug the phone from his pocket.

"Clark!" He didn't even manage to get in a "hello." "Did you know Lex is building a death ray?"

"Hello, Chloe," Clark answered.

"I'm serious, Clark. I think he used one of the meteor fre— mutants to power it, but it looks like he might be using Kryptonite, too."

Clark stared at Rafe, wondering if death rays sounded crazier than talking lizards. "Chloe, death rays? I don't think even Lex would be that obvious — or stupid, for that matter. No one calls anything a 'death ray.' That's..."

"Just crazy enough to make people think it's fake?" Chloe suggested. "Look, Clark, could you just check out the mansion? I'm trying to track it down on my computer, but it doesn't look like it's at any of the 33.1 facilities."

"Chloe..."

"For me, Clark?" He could feel her pleading look through the phone.

He sighed again. "All right, Chloe. But I seriously doubt Lex has a death ray in his basement with Lana around."

"Just check it out." And there was the ring tone.

"Your girlfriend?" Rafe suggested, crawling across the couch and looking up at Clark.

"She's not my—" Clark paused.

Maybe he could actually find a use for the blabbering little lizard...

---

Clark had been sure he would need to sneak by security to get into the mansion, but he figured he'd try to get in the old fashioned way anyway. It would look better if — well, when, most likely — Lex managed to catch him. He thought, though, that if he had any chance at getting in without resorting to superspeed, he would have to talk to Lana, and even then it seemed hardly likely.

Needless to say, he was surprised when Lex let him in without so much as a word. At the door. Himself.

"Lex?" The other man didn't turn around. Clark caught a glimpse of his face, and it had that steely look to it that Lex got whenever he had been defeated — emotionally, usually. Lex did not deal with his own emotions very well. In that moment, something in Clark broke, and he couldn't see Lex as the man he knew was responsible for the deaths of many others, as the one who'd almost had Chloe exterminated, as the person who had constantly been digging into his life, trying to unearth all his secrets. He saw the Lex that he had known when they were still friends.

"Lana's gone," Lex said simply, heading back to his office. Clark hesitated, remembering why he was there. He shook his leg, and from the end of his jeans came Rafe, looking as perturbed as an iguana could manage to.

"Go look around," Clark whispered, and Rafe scampered away, muttering.

"Did you say something, Clark?"

"Uh, I said 'I'm sorry,'" Clark lied, hurrying to follow the billionaire. "What happened?"

"This." Lex pulled a piece of paper from his pocket, folded and creased carefully, and tossed it at Clark. He tried to give off a careless air, but he failed miserably — at least, with Clark. It was as though he'd forgotten that Clark had known him before, knew that when he seemed carefree he was actually on edge.

He unfolded the paper. A note, written in Lana's overly ornate handwriting, on the back of a wedding invitation sample. He scanned it quickly, but the first words were all he really needed: "Byron is back."

Byron. Clark could barely even remember him. Of all the boys and men Lana could have chosen from, had chosen from over the years, she took Byron. Sure, he was a poet, but he was a monster in a more literal way than Clark or Lex could ever be.

Except not anymore, apparently. And apparently Lana didn't stop loving i>anyone, ever. Anger flashed through Clark. She was probably still in love with that Bobby kid she had had a crush on in the third grade, the one who'd moved away to Oklahoma.

Damn it. If she was going to leave Lex, she was supposed to do it for Clark.

"I'm — I'm really sorry, Lex." Lex snorted, clearly not believing a word of it. "I mean it. I know Lana meant a lot to you."

"And to you," Lex said. "More to you, probably."

"Um." Chloe would be pissed if he spent all his time trying to console an ex-friend and didn't ever cut to the chase. "So, uh, Chloe says you're working on a death ray."

"Clark." Lex suddenly had that serious tone he loved to use when accusations were made against him, like he was the president responding to some terrorist threat. "Do you really think I'd be that stupid?"

Clark blushed. "No! I mean, I just thought that maybe—"

Lex cut him off. "Besides, rays are far too phallic to be taken seriously."

Clark didn't know how to follow that up. There was something too phallic for Lex Luthor?

"But feel free to look around, if you'd like."

Rafe was already searching the place, and would be a lot more efficient at his size, but he didn't really know what he was looking for... "I probably should. For Chloe's sake, I mean. She wouldn't believe me unless I could detail every corner of this place for her."

Lex gave him a small smile. "Of course."

Clark hadn't known Lex meant "feel free to look around while I hand over your shoulder," but it was just as well. If he kept an eye on Clark, he'd be even less likely to notice an iguana roaming through his home, even if it was a talking iguana. He scoured the study first, figuring it was the obvious place to look, and therefore the one Lex would believe he'd immediately search. And he was probably right, but Clark wouldn't admit that out loud. He wandered the first floor after that, looking for any hidden passages, Lex only a few steps behind him. Somehow, he still managed to hit the proverbial jackpot — a half-hearted attempt at searching led to him almost jokingly tugging on a candlestick sticking out of a staircase, and then, suddenly, a bookcase spun, revealing a dark corridor. Clark looked back at Lex, who showed no emotion.

Without a word, Clark stepped inside. It was dark, but there was a dull blue light not far down, and at that light...

A lab. "Wow. You've got all the mad scientist essentials here, Lex."

"It's just a rich kid's chemistry set, Clark." A really, really rich kid, but wasn't that what Lex was? Well, not really a kid. Not really. Still, Clark thought that rich kids had probably spent a lot of their time trying to create their own Frankenstein's monsters instead of just trying to get colorful liquids to fizz and explode. "And, as you can see, there's no death ray."

There wasn't any death ray, no. And it certainly seemed like the environment for a death ray. But there didn't seem to be any rays there at all, or anything that looked remotely weapon-like. Just a lot of creepy bubbling things. But there was still Rafe.

"So, if you'll excuse me, I'll just get back to my—" —moping, Clark knew— "—work."

Clark stood still, listening to Lex's footsteps recede. When he was sure he was gone, he scanned the building, and found Rafe just outside the secret lab. He went out to greet him.

"Nothing," Rafe said, crawling out from under a rug. "Not even blueprints. I saw you looking, too, you know."

"It kept him distracted." Clark reached down, scooping the lizard up in his hands. "No documents with 'death ray' written on them, even?"

"Nope." Rafe wriggled in his palm, climbing up his arm impatiently. "But I did notice him staring at your ass a lot."

Clark gaped down at the lizard, temporarily speechless. Partially, anyway. "No. Lex? No. He's— and you— he didn't— Lana—"

"Did he seem a lot happier when he was following you around?" Rafe had clambered up to his shoulder, and was whispering conspiratorially in his ear. "And I notice these things. It's not the same for iguanas as it is for you humans. He. Was. Looking. At. Your. Ass."

Clark grabbed him with both hands, staring him straight on in the eyes. He tried to, anyway. It was kind of hard to look him in both eyes at once. "What's wrong with you? Lex isn't — he was about to get married to Lana Lang just a few days ago!"

"I think humans call it bisexual, genius." How could an iguana look so smug? "I get more gay vibes from you, actually."

Clark tried not to strangely Rafe. It was just so tempting. "I love — I loved Lana!"

"Methinks the lady doth protest too much." Rafe didn't bother trying to wiggle away. Instead, he raised his voice. "Oh, Lex, did Lana leave you? Do you need some company?"

Clark's eyes widened, and he put a hand over Rafe's beaky little mouth, hoping Lex hadn't heard that.

"Clark?"

Just his luck. "Yeah, Lex?" He shoved Rafe down the front of his shirt when he heard Lex's footsteps. There wasn't any other place to hide him.

Lex turned a corner just as Rafe's wriggling tail fell into Clark's collar. "Is there someone else here?"

Clark shifted, trying not to yelp as Rafe wiggled down his shirt. He was barely visible beneath the loose flannel, but if he slipped out... "Uh, no, Lex. Just me. I was just about to—"

"So it was you." Clark couldn't figure out Lex's expression, and it was unsettling. It was also hard to concentrate on as he felt scaly, clawed feet pass his navel.

"Uh... yes?"

"It didn't sound like you," Lex said, skeptical.

"There's — there's no one else here, Lex. I swear." Lex couldn't have heard what Rafe said, could he?

Lex paused for a moment. He hadn't noticed the iguana yet, and — Oh, God, Rafe was in his pants! Clark tugged his shirt down over the front of his pants. He was going to strangle that lizard so hard... which sounded really terrible when that lizard was nestling into his pants. Right at his groin.

Clark had the worst luck ever.

"Because I could."

"Could?" Clark was busy searching for a way out. What had Rafe said again?

"Use some company."

Clark's eyes went wide as he tried to figure out just how Lex meant that. "I, uh—"

"I need you, Lex! I need you so hard!"

Clark wondered if it would be too weird to yell at his own crotch. Rafe was not going to survive the night. Or he was going back to Derrick. Whichever tortured him more.

Lex gave him an odd look, as though trying to figure out a puzzle — one that didn't involve Clark's secrets. "Are you feeling all right, Clark?"

"I'm sick, Lex, and the only cure is your dick!"

Dead. Dead lizard in his pants. Dead.

Lex stepped closer. Clark was working himself into a panic — if he came any closer, he'd see Rafe, except he wouldn't know it was Rafe — and even if he did, it would still be bad. There wasn't any good reason for Clark to have a talking iguana in his pants.

But it was Smallville. He didn't need a good reason.

"I swear Lex, I didn't—"

Lex held up a hand to silence him. "Clark, it's okay."

Clark's jaw moved, but he couldn't get himself to form the words his brain begged him to say.

"I just... didn't think you were interested."

Clark's jaw stopped its movement, instead opting to hang loosely. Some noises finally escaped his throat, but he didn't think he could get less intelligible. It didn't help that Rafe was starting to wiggle again.

And then there was Lex, hands on his shoulders, tongue in his mouth, pushing against him, and all brain function ceased. He wasn't even half aware of the fact that Rafe had wiggled free of his jeans and was heading for the door as fast as his tiny iguana feet would take him.

Clark wasn't exactly sure what to do anymore, but Lex certainly was. There were hands on his skin, under his shirt, brushing nipples, making him arch involuntarily, his mind chanting IamnotgayIamnotgayIgamnotgay. Apparently his tongue and dick were disagreeing with all of his central nervous system on their own, and maybe his alien body really did have separate brains for separate organs. His hands, too, because instead of pushing Lex away when one of his hands went to the fly on Clark's jeans, they grabbed his shirt, his crisp, clean shirt, so Lex, and pulled. When he felt a hand on his cock, he was gone. His brain was finally agreeing, though; IamsogayforLexIamsogayforLexIamsogay.

He balled up his fists, and when he tore Lex's shirt, he figured they'd do better at his sides. Lex really knew what he was doing and Clark had had no idea that he had ever thought about men that way, and especially not Clark, but apparently Lex had the right idea about things because it felt really good to have hard muscle pressed against him, a hard-on rubbing against his thigh, a tongue thrusting into his mouth as a hand jerked, and he couldn't take it for long. His back arched, he cried out, and his fists went through the wall. His knees gave out and he slumped to the ground, dragging Lex down with him. For the first time in his life — when he had his powers, anyway — he really couldn't seem to control his breathing.

Lex was panting, too, when they pulled apart, though his pants were still tented. And Clark fully intended to help him with that... just after one question. "Lex?" he said, peering into the hollow space through the holes his hands had created.

"Yeah?" Lex sounded surprisingly sexy when he breathed like that, but...

"Is... is that a death ray?"

---

Rafe ran down the road, his pace impressive for an iguana, but still rather pathetic overall. He was out of there. Smallville sucked. Maybe he could find Ephram...

And get away from that Kent guy. Unresolved sexual tension was really what made humans so annoying. Why couldn't they just fuck whenever they found someone they liked? It was his own policy, after all, and he'd never been let down. Well, there had been that one time when a girl iguana had attacked him when he tried to come on to her while she was eating lettuce, but still...

He was making good time. If he kept up his pace, he'd be out of the town by morning.

A car rolled past him, and then suddenly skidded to a stop. Rafe kept on going, determined.

"Rafe!"

Oh, God. Oh, no.

"Mom, it's Rafe!"

"Well, then come on and grab him, Derrick — we have to be at your aunt's in fifteen minutes!"

Sticky child hands scooped him up, and Rafe grumbled angrily, almost wishing he had had the sense to stay in Kent's pants.

Stupid humans. Stupid alien. Stupid Kent!