Cultural Misunderstandings
folder
S through Z › Torchwood
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
1
Views:
3,680
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
S through Z › Torchwood
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
1
Views:
3,680
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Torchwood, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Cultural Misunderstandings
Ianto took one look at the scene playing out in front of him, turned around and walked straight back out of the office. He blinked, rubbed his eyes and fought the urge to throw up before turning to face the open door. Cautiously peering around the doorframe he checked that he wasn’t going insane. He wasn’t. His boss stroke lover really was doing…THAT…with a …poodle? It was hard to tell from that angle, but the four legs did give a strong hint.
He cleared his throat. “Jack, I don’t care why exactly you are doing whatever it is you are doing with that creature, but if you are still doing it in a minute I will personally castrate you with a teaspoon. Understand?” Without waiting for acknowledgement he turned away and started timing, doing his best to ignore the sounds coming from behind him. Exactly a minute later he turned around again to find Jack hastily buttoning up his trousers, the poodle (the breed was quite obvious from this new angle, something about the puffy legs and bare midriff that gave it away) tucked firmly under one arm.
Ianto planted his hands on his hips. “You have exactly 30 seconds to give me one valid reason for what you were just doing.”
Jack gulped. “It’s not what you think, honestly. We were just…”
“Just what?” Ianto asked, his voice dangerously low. “And WE?”
Jack retreated to the opposite side of the desk, sensibly wary of the expression on his lover’s face. “It’s not as bad as it seems! We were just having some fun, that’s all.”
“Just having some fun. Right. And I suppose you have an excellent reason as to why this Fun had to take place with a dog rather than with your long time partner WHO YOU HAVE BEEN WITH FOR OVER A YEAR!?” Ianto’s voice had started off soft, but grew in volume until by the end of the question he was screaming across the room at the immortal.
“It’s not like that. It’s just a normal arrangement, poodles like this sort of thing, they do it all the time!”
“Not in this time they don’t.” If anything Jack’s responses were making Ianto more and more angry, having the opposite of the desired effect. Jack gulped. He’d forgotten about that little detail, seeing John again after so long had brought back so much of his home time period that he’d had some trouble keeping the timeline’s straight. And poodles really hadn’t changed much over the millennia; the only difference was how they were viewed by society. In his time poodles were the ultimate pleasure species, easy to find, willing to do most things for a fraction of the price it would cost to hire a humanoid to do it. John’s comment about the poodle at the side of the street had made him think, and it had taken little investigation, helped by his knowledge of some of the pidgin language dogs commonly used, to discover that poodles were actually almost as well educated and able as they were in the 51st century, primarily because of their owners insistence of having their ‘pet’ go with them everywhere.
Ianto tapped his foot. “I’m waiting.”
Jack sighed. “I don’t have an excuse, except that in my home time this would be perfectly acceptable. I suppose seeing John again sort of made me forget when I was.”
Ianto glared at him. “I don’t care what it may be like in your home time, you are not going to have sex with dogs and remain my partner. You want to try something out in bed, tell me, but do not go and hire a canine companion, under any circumstances. Understood?”
Jack nodded sheepishly.
“Good. Now stick to it, ‘cos your not getting any sex from me until I am absolutely sure that you haven’t caught anything. Sofa for at least a week, and no sex until I say so.”
Jack stared. “But…”
“No buts. You want to stay with me, you do as I say. Otherwise I sell my story to a cheesy women’s mag. ‘Torchwood boss in sex scandal with employee and poodle’. Wouldn’t look too good, would it?”
Jack shook his head.
“Right. Go and do some work, and don’t try and find me or bug me until a lot later.”
He turned to the dog, who until this point had patiently waited under Jack’s arm. “And you,” he said fiercely, “you can scamper on out of here and stay well away from my boyfriend. I don’t care if you think it’s normal, I don’t want to see one hint of a furry leg, understood. And tell all you friends too. Not one hair. Ever.”
The dog nodded quickly and bounded down from its perch before sprinting for the door. Ianto followed it and watched to make sure it got outside. He then walked across to the nearest computer and, calling up the employee handbook and rules and regs, made a short entry before walking out of the office.
Jack called up the entry and almost laughed at the new section
Paragraph 1267A:
i. Any employee found aiding or abetting a poodle in entering the Hub shall face immediate punishment including a background check and confinement to restricted areas.
ii. All new employees must submit to a background check including information on local friends and family to ensure there is no connection with a poodle or similar.
Active from April 2008.
Quickly calling up his email account Jack sent a quick reminder to all the staff asking them to please read the updated employee code and not to ask questions about why it had been added. He then settled down to do some of the mountain of paperwork that was taking over his desk. If he wasn’t getting sex he had to do something to tire himself out, and paperwork was as close as he could get to total boredom after all.
He cleared his throat. “Jack, I don’t care why exactly you are doing whatever it is you are doing with that creature, but if you are still doing it in a minute I will personally castrate you with a teaspoon. Understand?” Without waiting for acknowledgement he turned away and started timing, doing his best to ignore the sounds coming from behind him. Exactly a minute later he turned around again to find Jack hastily buttoning up his trousers, the poodle (the breed was quite obvious from this new angle, something about the puffy legs and bare midriff that gave it away) tucked firmly under one arm.
Ianto planted his hands on his hips. “You have exactly 30 seconds to give me one valid reason for what you were just doing.”
Jack gulped. “It’s not what you think, honestly. We were just…”
“Just what?” Ianto asked, his voice dangerously low. “And WE?”
Jack retreated to the opposite side of the desk, sensibly wary of the expression on his lover’s face. “It’s not as bad as it seems! We were just having some fun, that’s all.”
“Just having some fun. Right. And I suppose you have an excellent reason as to why this Fun had to take place with a dog rather than with your long time partner WHO YOU HAVE BEEN WITH FOR OVER A YEAR!?” Ianto’s voice had started off soft, but grew in volume until by the end of the question he was screaming across the room at the immortal.
“It’s not like that. It’s just a normal arrangement, poodles like this sort of thing, they do it all the time!”
“Not in this time they don’t.” If anything Jack’s responses were making Ianto more and more angry, having the opposite of the desired effect. Jack gulped. He’d forgotten about that little detail, seeing John again after so long had brought back so much of his home time period that he’d had some trouble keeping the timeline’s straight. And poodles really hadn’t changed much over the millennia; the only difference was how they were viewed by society. In his time poodles were the ultimate pleasure species, easy to find, willing to do most things for a fraction of the price it would cost to hire a humanoid to do it. John’s comment about the poodle at the side of the street had made him think, and it had taken little investigation, helped by his knowledge of some of the pidgin language dogs commonly used, to discover that poodles were actually almost as well educated and able as they were in the 51st century, primarily because of their owners insistence of having their ‘pet’ go with them everywhere.
Ianto tapped his foot. “I’m waiting.”
Jack sighed. “I don’t have an excuse, except that in my home time this would be perfectly acceptable. I suppose seeing John again sort of made me forget when I was.”
Ianto glared at him. “I don’t care what it may be like in your home time, you are not going to have sex with dogs and remain my partner. You want to try something out in bed, tell me, but do not go and hire a canine companion, under any circumstances. Understood?”
Jack nodded sheepishly.
“Good. Now stick to it, ‘cos your not getting any sex from me until I am absolutely sure that you haven’t caught anything. Sofa for at least a week, and no sex until I say so.”
Jack stared. “But…”
“No buts. You want to stay with me, you do as I say. Otherwise I sell my story to a cheesy women’s mag. ‘Torchwood boss in sex scandal with employee and poodle’. Wouldn’t look too good, would it?”
Jack shook his head.
“Right. Go and do some work, and don’t try and find me or bug me until a lot later.”
He turned to the dog, who until this point had patiently waited under Jack’s arm. “And you,” he said fiercely, “you can scamper on out of here and stay well away from my boyfriend. I don’t care if you think it’s normal, I don’t want to see one hint of a furry leg, understood. And tell all you friends too. Not one hair. Ever.”
The dog nodded quickly and bounded down from its perch before sprinting for the door. Ianto followed it and watched to make sure it got outside. He then walked across to the nearest computer and, calling up the employee handbook and rules and regs, made a short entry before walking out of the office.
Jack called up the entry and almost laughed at the new section
Paragraph 1267A:
i. Any employee found aiding or abetting a poodle in entering the Hub shall face immediate punishment including a background check and confinement to restricted areas.
ii. All new employees must submit to a background check including information on local friends and family to ensure there is no connection with a poodle or similar.
Active from April 2008.
Quickly calling up his email account Jack sent a quick reminder to all the staff asking them to please read the updated employee code and not to ask questions about why it had been added. He then settled down to do some of the mountain of paperwork that was taking over his desk. If he wasn’t getting sex he had to do something to tire himself out, and paperwork was as close as he could get to total boredom after all.