In My Life

Author’s notes: Though names of actual people pop up in this story, I do not think of it as real person fic. It takes place in the "Über Universe" presented in the HTLJ episodes "Yes, Virginia, There is a Hercules" and "For Those of You Just Joining Us". The people in this universe are similar to people in our universe, but the events were slightly different. It also hints that events in HTLJ and XWP might not have went exactly as presented on TV. For starters, Hercules and Iolaus became lovers about a year after Serena's death and became fully committed not long after the death of Alcmene. Also, Joxer decided to give up being a warrior to be a thief like his new lover, Autolycus. When that didn't pan out, he found success in being a wandering minstrel.
Also, Autolycus found out that Hermes was his father. Hermes pulled the old "disguise yourself as her husband" trick on Autolycus' mother. This explains why Auto was able to use the winged sandals and why he recovered easily from Discord's blast when he should've been a smoldering pile of ash. (No pun intended.) This makes Hercules Autolycus' uncle and Autolycus is a quarter nymph, a quarter god, half human and as immortal as Hercules. (Hermes is the son of Zeus and a nymph named Maia.)
We begin this anthology in 2006, just after Kevin Sorbo received the script for /Avenging Angel/............

It's so hard to resist
And it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall
But it's all coming back to me now
--Jim Steinman

Hercules flipped through the script. It was a western. He'd wanted to do a period piece for a while. This should be fun. He tossed the script in the passenger seat of his BMW and began his drive to Starbucks. Might as well have a coffee while going over it.

There was something familiar about the dark head in front of him in the queue. /You're a 2000 plus year old demigod./ Hercules reminded himself. /You've seen so many people EVERYONE should look familiar./ The voice was familiar too. "Yeah, gimme the grande mocha with hazelnut." Couldn't quite place it. He never heard the voice say those exact words.

"Sir!" Hercules had been so caught up on trying to remember who this was that he hadn't heard the barista. "Your order?"

"Oh, yeah. Grande cappuccino, French vanilla."

"Would you like a biscotti with that?"

"No thank you."

"That will be $3.58." Hercules paid for the insanely priced coffee. "Say, aren't you that guy, from that show? The one with the monsters and stuff?"

"I could be." he said vaguely. Hercules saw the customer ahead of him take a seat by the window. He looked very familiar. /Is that Bruce?/ Hercules wondered, remembering his former co-worker. /Nah, he's filming a movie in Indiana. He wouldn't be in L.A./ He took another look. It wasn't Bruce Campbell, but it was someone who bore a striking resemblance to him. /No! It couldn't be! After all these years...these centuries!/ But it was possible. One way to find out. He approached the other man.

"Autolycus?" Even though he hadn't been called that name in nearly forever, he immediately raised his head in response. "It's been a long time, hasn't it?" Hercules said the sentence in a dialect of long dead ancient Greek.

Autolycus' jaw dropped as he recognized the man who spoke. It had literally been ages. "You!" he gasped. He stood. "Hercules?"

"It's not Steve Reeves."

"I-I heard you were living around here, but...aw, it's good to see you!" Autolycus had never struck Hercules as the "huggy" type, but he was willing to make an exception for an uncle he hadn't seen in centuries. "Well, come on, sit down!" Autolycus slipped easily into the same dialect of Greek. "Three dollars for coffee. Can you believe that? Remember when it was just a nickel?"

"I remember when it was considered a miracle hangover cure from Chin." Hercules replied.

"Think we should keep speaking in Greek?"

Hercules looked around. A couple of college kids. The barista. They may not be actively listening in, but why risk it? "Why not? It's America. People speaking different languages are pretty common."

"So, it would be silly for me to ask you what you've been up to, Hercules. Or, should I call you Kevin now?"

He thought about it for a moment. "I've gotten used to being called Kevin. But, if you want to call me Hercules, you can."

"You might as well keep calling me Autolycus then."

"What name do you go by now?"

"Otto Wolf. Yeah, people think I'm German or something." He chuckled and slipped into the German language. "Had to pretend to be German a few times."

"I've dealt with them too." Hercules revealed that he too spoke German.

"Plus side of immortality. You have time to learn a lot of languages." He sipped his coffee. "So, Mr. Movie Star. What's Tawny Kitaen really like?"

"Autolycus, if you want cheap celebrity gossip, you've come to the wrong person."

"Oh, c'mon! Dish a little dirt!"

"I just don't think it's right to talk about someone else's problems."

"Look, just tell me if her boobs are real!"

Hercules flushed. "Um, I wouldn't know. I never asked."

"You did that love scene with her. You must have felt something. Personally, I prefer the real thing. Or not at all. You know me, Mr. Equal Opportunity."

Hercules asked himself if he should bring up something that was bothering him. He was so glad to see an old friend again that he nearly forgot the last he had heard of him. "You broke his heart, you know."

Autolycus took a swallow of his coffee and looked uncomfortable. "Joxer, you mean? Look, I know how it looked, but it wasn't."

"It looked like you just ran out on him. No note, no explanation, no good-bye. He went to look for you and we never heard from him again." Hercules sighed. "His ending was hardly better than the ones the writers of /Xena/ gave him."

"Yeah, I hate to say this, Hercules, but /Xena/ kinda jumped the shark in that last season. Not enough episodes with me. That was part of the problem. Why'd you get that Bruce Campbell guy to play me? I'm much better looking."

"You look just alike!"

"Nah. I'm much cuter."

"Sorry. Tom Cruise was busy at the time."

"Oh, someone's been practicing their sarcasm!"

"OK, Autolycus. Have your say. What happened? Where did you go? Last I heard you were robbing King Xerxes' castle."

"Yeah, well, Xerxes had a pretty clever trap. There was a staircase leading up to the door to where his treasury should be. I went up three steps and it all fell out under me. I was tumbling head over heels and suddenly, kersmack! Everything went black. When I came to, I was chained up. Oh, yeah, I shucked those chains like a bad habit, then I found out I was on a ship out in the middle of the Mediterranean. No escaping that." Autolycus sighed. "That heist was supposed to be the big one. I promised Joxer that after that job we were going to retire to a nice place in Athens. Instead, I got myself sold into slavery."

"I'm having a hard time imagining you as a slave."

"How hard a time do you think I had?" Autolycus stirred some sugar into his coffee. "It's not easy for me to talk about this, Hercules. It wasn't a good time. I'm just very glad Joxer had faith enough in me to know I wouldn't do him that way. Loved me enough to come looking for me." He stared into the vapor of his cup. "I haven't talked about him for a long time now."

"It's good to remember the people we loved."

"Alright then. I'll tell you what happened with me and Joxer, but then you have to tell me what happened with you and Iolaus."

"Fair enough."