Hurt

He let the tears fall as the TARDIS door closed. He let himself show the exquisite pain he felt in those two tears.
He let those tears fall just for her. Only for her.

His Rose.

How could she be gone? He felt sick. He needed a distraction. He moved to the console and decided on a CD. He had always liked music and found it a good way to escape when he let things pile up in his mighty Time Lord mind.

He decided on Nine Inch Nails - The Downward Spiral, which he thought was rather apt. He has a strange liking of 20th century rock music. He smiles ruefully, imagining what Rose might have said about his choice:

“What’re you, a goth or someink?” She would’ve said, smiling cheekily at him.

The smile turns to a grimace. He just kept expecting her to come out from her room, take his hand and ask where they were going next. He could still smell her, hear her, feel her. His hearts squeezed as he remembered everything they had done together, regretting none of the time they spent together (except Mme de Pompadour – he regretted that with all his hearts. He wished he could tell her that.) – never has he felt such loss, except maybe with the fall of Gallifrey and the Time Lords.

The music was playing but the one time he needed to escape, he just couldn’t. Neither the TARDIS, his sonic screwdriver, nor the music could take him away, let him escape, make him forget that wonderful, wilful, BRILLIANT woman he had and has now lost.

He didn’t even get to tell her how much he loved her.

He loved her more than time itself AND SHE DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT! He slams his fists down, losing control for only a moment. The TARDIS feeling (and sharing) his pain lets the punch slide. Just for this one time. She is mourning too.

In an effort to control himself, the Doctor attempts to listen to the music, the lyrics, the drum beat, anything to stop reminiscing. He laughs bitterly when he hears the lyrics – they just remind him of how unworthy he was to have her, of how he lost her, of how he loved her.

I hurt myself today
To see if I could feel

He didn’t need to hurt himself to know that he felt, what he felt. He could feel the pain coursing through his body again and again, the never-ending cycle, stealing his very breath. He just stood there, shoulders slumped, he didn’t want to feel anything else.

I focus on the pain

He didn’t need to focus – it was sharp, so excruciatingly sharp.

The only thing that’s real

Everything else is like a dream…

The needle tears a hole

No, the hole in his hearts, in his soul are not the size of a needle – they are Rose-shaped holes,

The old familiar sting

Holes that bleed, that sting, that will never heal, that will never become familiar – they will never stop hurting.

Try to kill it all away

He moves slightly, as if to press the buttons, pull the levers, take him somewhere – anywhere – but he can’t and he is still again.

But I remember everything

How could he ever forget?

What have I become?

He just didn’t know.

My sweetest friend

With a painful throb of his two hearts, he sees her face.

Everyone I know

He thinks of his past companions

Goes away in the end

They all left him (or rather, he left them) but she wouldn’t. She absorbed the heart of the TARDIS for him, almost killed herself for him. And he kill himself for her – would do it again and again. He never would have left her. But now she has left him, he thinks bitterly, she left me, the one thing she promised not to do, and SHE. LEFT. ME. ALONE. She promised me forever, but it wans't even a lifetime.

You could have it all

She did. She did have it all. She had the looks, the brains, the compassion…his hearts, his love, his friendship, his protection…but that’s just it. He didn’t protect her. He never could.

My empire of dirt

Well…not quite dirt. He is a Time Lord after all, plus he didn’t technically have an empire…

I will let you down

He thinks, with regret, of Mme de Pompadour. He had let Rose down – in the worst way imaginable, yet she still waited for him. His hearts twisted and he almost gasped. He hadn’t deserved her.

I will make you hurt

I’m sorry, Rose. So, so sorry. I never could stop the hurting…and now…now it is both of us that hurt. You don’t deserve it – I wish (always have wished) that I could take all your pain and make it mine.

I wear my crown of shit

Okay – he’s been wrong in the past and he’s hurting, but that’s a bit much!

On my liar’s chair

I never meant to lie to you, Rose. If you come back, I never will again, he thinks hopelessly, desperately.

Full of broken thoughts

Not thoughts – hearts. Broken hearts.

I cannot repair

The one thing his sonic screwdriver can’t fix.

Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears

Never. I will never let you go.

You are someone else

No – you are someWHERE else. Never change for anyone, Rose.

I am still right here

His hearts are cut to shreds once again.

If I could start again

He could go back in time! To the very moment she is about to fall! Save her! Protect her!... But Reality sets in - a bitter taste in the back of his mouth.

A million miles away

How about a million years? Light-years even! We could go anywhere, Rose!

I would keep myself

I would keep you to me, Rose.

I would find a way.

Rose, if ever I have broken a promise to you, then I promise to keep this one – I will find a way to you.

He turns to the console, sets his co-ordinates and throws the TARDIS into the vortex, the pain fresh with each breath but at last, he now has a purpose.

Rose, I’m coming to get you.