The Woman She Used to Be

They've fucked six times in the few months they've known each other, and this is the first time Jenna has actually seen Avon completely naked. She finds she rather likes it. Not really because he is attractive, but because she likes the way he looks sitting on the reclining chair in her quarters, vulnerable and hard. She likes standing over him, unbuttoning her blouse, watching his eyes as he struggles to seem impassive.

"Lie back," she says tersely.

Avon arches an eyebrow, but slowly he pushes back in the chair until he's almost entirely horizontal.

She only allows herself to look at him a moment longer before she turns her back to his face and straddles him. She listens to him try to control his breath as she takes his cock and guides it into her body.

It wasn't that long ago that this would have been ideal. Her hands against his knees, fingernails digging into his skin as she lifted herself up, then pushed back down on his cock. His palms pressing against her ass. No kissing, few words, just enough anonymity during the sex that it's never personal, never awkward when they have to work together later. And Avon can make her shiver and sweat and moan.

For this sort of lifestyle, it should be ideal.

Avon thrusts up against her as she presses back down on him. She can tell he's getting impatient for her to get him off, because he's reached around to rub her clit. If she closes her eyes for a moment and pretends that she is the woman she was a few years ago, this is perfect. This is all she wants in the world. His cock feels good inside of her and his hands feel good on her, and she could come because that is all she needs to feel whole.

But she keeps her eyes open.

She lets Avon come before she pushes herself off of him. She grabs her clothes and heads to the bathroom. Over her shoulder, she tells him to get out just before she closes the bathroom door.

It used to be easier.

She turns on the shower as hot as it will go and stands under the water for a few moments. She doesn't think about Blake. Doesn't think about Blake would say about this. If he'd even care, or if he'd just think it was a distraction that had nothing to do with him. Nothing to do with him at all.

Jenna doesn't realize she punched the wall until she feels her knuckles throb. Then, she
punches it again. Three times over. She wants to punch it until she's broken her hand, but it isn't worth it. Whatever it is, it's not worth it.

She gets herself dressed and goes back out into her quarters... to find Avon still there.

He raises a hand to stop her before she speaks. "I know. You told me to go."

"It wasn't a suggestion," she assures him.

"I know." His lips twitch with an almost smile, and he approaches her slowly as he speaks. "But there is something I wish to settle with you first. Now seems the appropriate time."

She crosses her arms, waiting for him to get whatever it is over with. She isn't prepared when he grabs her bicep and slams her against the wall. His body against hers, his mouth so close to hers that she can taste his breath.

He hisses against her lips. "I am not a placeholder."

Her muscles tense instinctually, but she forces herself not to fight him. "No. You wouldn't be a very good one."

He tightens his grip on her, but his lips curl in a tight smile. "Possibly." He presses his mouth against hers. Hard. As if that is what she wants. As if he is doing her a favor with what he thinks is romance.

As if romance is what she wants.

She lets him kiss her for a moment before she twists her arm free and catches his in one fluid movement, then swings him around to pin him against the wall.

"Don't try that again," she whispers into his ear. She lets him loose and takes a step back. "Get out."

Avon stanks very still, something playing in his eyes like when he'd been naked on her chair. Vulnerability that he wouldn't admit to, and maybe something deeper.

She would feel guilty if he gave her the chance. But instead his expression turns cold and he smiles. "Perhaps you should try dressing more like a young boy. He may even notice you. Assuming they didn't have him castrated, of course."

"Go," she growls through her teeth. "I don't have time for a sad, jealous old bitch."

"It's a bad choice," he says in a low, controlled tone. "You'll die trying to be what he wants you to be. And you'll die alone."

Jenna shakes her head. "It's the only choice."

"Possibly," Avon replies quietly, barely putting a voice to the word. Carefully, he moves toward her again and brushes his fingertips against her cheek. "Good night, Jenna."

She turns her head away and waits until she hears him walk away and the door click shut behind him before she closes her eyes.

If she just imagines that she is the woman she used to be, her skin will tingle where he touched her, and her heart will race from the passion between them.

Jenna takes a deep breath and opens her eyes. Her late shift is coming up soon, and she needs to get ready. She can't let Blake down.

And as long as she is able, she never will.