It Takes Time 3/5
folder
Stargate: SG-1 › Stargate Atlantis
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,820
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
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Currently Reading:
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Category:
Stargate: SG-1 › Stargate Atlantis
Rating:
Adult
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,820
Reviews:
3
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Stargate Atlantis, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
It Takes Time
It Takes Time
Hello, I am your mind,
giving you someone to talk to.
“Rodney, today we're going to let you start working in the labs again. I think we've taken a big enough break from having you work. We're going to start slowly, though.”
Rodney looked at his hands. His fingers were intertwined casually, laying in his lap. They looked peaceful.
“Radek is going to give you a project to start on, nothing big, but we'll work up to something bigger later, all right?”
Tranquil, even, as they layed there, not having to do anything but stay there.
“Colonel Sheppard is here to take you down to the labs,” to make sure to keep you away from anything sharp, “and he'll stay with you,” because you can't be trusted if you're alone, “for the day,” for eternity.
He actually envied his fingers. Nothing was asked of them as they rested calmly.
“C'mon, Rodney.”
His hands seemed to slump in despair as he looked up at John, waiting at the door patiently. Rodney stood, walking without though towards his lab, John easily dogging his steps.
~
Radek had given Rodney a corner to work in with two different data pads containing the information he needed to complete his small task.
Rodney's hands were practically singing as they worked over the equations for regulating their use of power. His mind easily supplied the answers he needed to make the equations work. In ten minutes, he was done with his small job, but instead of telling Radek of John, he merely submitted his changes to Atlantis' mainframe, fixing their slight problem with ease.
He started the next project Radek had supplied him with when he gave Rodney the two data pads. The Jumpers were having slight problems when the order was given to open the rear hatch or raise the shield. It was something in the conduits that was preventing the order to go through properly.
He didn't know how long he had been working, his fingers gliding effortlessly over the data pads in front of him. John put a hand on Rodney's shoulder, causing Rodney to flinch away from, dropping his data pad onto his workbench in surprise. John watched him with concern, his mouth moving, speaking to Rodney.
Rodney couldn't hear him. He couldn't focus, his vision going blurry. John reached out to steady him but his attempt was futile as Rodney fell from his stool, slumping to the floor, unconscious. John had already called for a med team1. All he had to do now was wait for them.
~
If I smile and don't believe,
soon I know I'll awake from this dream.
Rodney opened his eyes, registering that he was in the infirmary, an IV in his arm. He looked around himself. He could see John leaning against the door to Carson's office, his back to Rodney as he talked with the doctor.
Rodney closed his eyes again, relaxing into the bed, knowing he'd feel sore for a day or so from passing out. He turned his head to the side, his eyes opening again to stare, shattered, at the wall.
Don't try to fix me,
I'm not broken.
A wave of tears breached his eyes and a few tears escaped, running down his cheeks to splash onto the pillow beneath his head.
Hello,
I'm the lie living so you can hide.
Rodney clenched his eyes shut, turned onto his side, being careful of the IV. He curled in on himself, small sobs escaping from him. They were too quiet to bring John or Carson's attention to him. He took silent, shaky breaths, turning his face into his pillow to soak up the tears.
Don't cry.
~
“I want us to talk today, Rodney. More importantly, I want you to talk today.”
Rodney looked at Kate. She was leaning back in her chair, a notepad resting on her crossed legs.
“Why?” His voice sounded strange to his own ears and from Kate's look, she thought so, too.
“Why, what?”
“Why do I have to talk? You don't care. No one cares. No one's ever cared.”
“I that what you think, Rodney? That we don't care?”
“That's not what I think. That's what I know.”
Kate sighed and closed her notepad, setting it on her desk.
“Rodney-”
“Don't. Please, just don't.” His voice cracked and he turned his face away to stare out the window. “I don't know why you're even bothering with this. I'm not suicidal. I'm not trying to kill myself.”
“Then why do it?”
Rodney turned back to stare at her. He had already told her his reason, all of those sessions ago. He stood up quickly and walked out of her office, just short of running. He ignored her calls to 'come back,' 'wait!,' and 'stop!'
He knew she'd alert John to his actions, but he didn't care. He reached the transporter and pressed his desired destination on the screen. He turned around in time to see Kate running towards him before the door closed and he was gone.
~
John ran out onto the balcony near the mess, panting slightly. Thankfully, he saw Rodney. He quickly radioed the control room, telling them he found Rodney.
“Rodney?”
He was sitting quite peacefully on the floor, looking at the water through the railing. His legs were stretched out in front of him as he relaxed against the wall. He glanced at John when he spoke.
“Why did you leave Kate's, Rodney?”
“She doesn't care.”
“Yes, she does, Rodney. We all do.”
“She doesn't.”
“Why do you think that?”
“She asked me why I cut.” John waited patiently for a few minutes for Rodney to continue. When it was apparent that Rodney wasn't going to go on, John arched an eyebrow.
“And that translates to 'I don't care'?”
“It does when, four days ago, she asked me the same question.”
“Maybe she just wanted you to tell her again.”
“Telling her again wouldn't be productive of her to try to 'help' me with my 'problem.'”
“Rodney-” He stopped himself, trying to find the right words to express his feelings. John sighed and walked over to Rodney, settling on the ground next to him.
“Tell me your reasons?” Rodney was quiet for a long moment time before he started talking.
He told John how he did it when he couldn't breathe because he had missed one variable in the equations he wrote to fix the systems and he had got it wrong and if he couldn't find that one mistake in the next two minutes their systems would overload and they'd all die and it'd be all his fault and no one would ever let him forget it if they got out of this and Elizabeth and Radek were looking at him like they just knew this would happen when he suggested fixing the system his way and they blamed him for it completely.
About how when even his bones were tired from running away from angry natives because they had wandered into a temple of sorts because of an interesting looking energy signal when the temple was really some sacred ground worshiped by said angry natives who were shooting either arrows or darts with enough tranquilizers to take down an elephant and they were tied up and thrown into their version of a prison while Teyla did her best to talk them out of the situation because it was all just a big misunderstanding and John's giving him a look of such hatred he's surprised he's still alive because, hey, it's not his fault just because he's the one who's in charge of the energy detector.
Or when his mouth is thick and his heart just feels like a spike in his chest pulsing painfully as he tries to work as quickly as he can while some random leader of some resistance is holding a gun to his head or a knife to his throat or to his team mates' heads or throats and if he doesn't make whatever he's working on work they'll all die and the last thing he'll see is the disappointed and betrayed looks of John, Teyla and Ronon staring at him until he could figure it out and then they look at him with an impatient look of why couldn't he have figured it out sooner?
He told John that he did it after Doranda when he was so sure he had it right and he didn't listen to John when he was telling him to shut it off and they had to get out of there now or they'd both die and it'd be all his fault but they didn't die because he finally listened to John but John's trust in him was shattered along with everyone else's trust in him and for weeks no one talked to him directly just giving him the cold shoulder and ignoring him the rest of the time.
And when he did it when he sister visited, after finding her with his team, telling him about his humiliating childhood with his bed wetting and the bullying because his team had found his hurtful childhood so amusing and they couldn't see the slicing pain in his eyes, one slice for each of them, and how it killed him inside to see them take such joy in his crippling pain and humiliation.
He told John that he did it when he couldn't feel himself anymore because he was so dead inside and nothing – except that – could make him feel something, anything, again.
When Rodney finished, John was silent, his eyes sad and troubled as he brooded over this information.
“I'm sorry.”
“What?” Rodney stared at John in surprise.
“Rodney, I never meant to make you feel like anything that happened on missions was your fault. I'm sorry.”
Rodney continued to stare and John ducked his head sheepishly. He finally looked away from John and back out to the water.
Suddenly, I know I'm not sleeping.
Rodney glanced at John out of the corner of his eye. He could tell that John wanted to say something. He was glad that John didn't try to say what he obviously couldn't verbalize.
Maybe, if he talked more, opened up about himself... got to know everyone a little better... let them know who he was.. he could find a reason not to.
It was a start.
Hello, I'm still here.
AN:: This is the end of this little series. Hope you liked it.
Hello, I am your mind,
giving you someone to talk to.
“Rodney, today we're going to let you start working in the labs again. I think we've taken a big enough break from having you work. We're going to start slowly, though.”
Rodney looked at his hands. His fingers were intertwined casually, laying in his lap. They looked peaceful.
“Radek is going to give you a project to start on, nothing big, but we'll work up to something bigger later, all right?”
Tranquil, even, as they layed there, not having to do anything but stay there.
“Colonel Sheppard is here to take you down to the labs,” to make sure to keep you away from anything sharp, “and he'll stay with you,” because you can't be trusted if you're alone, “for the day,” for eternity.
He actually envied his fingers. Nothing was asked of them as they rested calmly.
“C'mon, Rodney.”
His hands seemed to slump in despair as he looked up at John, waiting at the door patiently. Rodney stood, walking without though towards his lab, John easily dogging his steps.
~
Radek had given Rodney a corner to work in with two different data pads containing the information he needed to complete his small task.
Rodney's hands were practically singing as they worked over the equations for regulating their use of power. His mind easily supplied the answers he needed to make the equations work. In ten minutes, he was done with his small job, but instead of telling Radek of John, he merely submitted his changes to Atlantis' mainframe, fixing their slight problem with ease.
He started the next project Radek had supplied him with when he gave Rodney the two data pads. The Jumpers were having slight problems when the order was given to open the rear hatch or raise the shield. It was something in the conduits that was preventing the order to go through properly.
He didn't know how long he had been working, his fingers gliding effortlessly over the data pads in front of him. John put a hand on Rodney's shoulder, causing Rodney to flinch away from, dropping his data pad onto his workbench in surprise. John watched him with concern, his mouth moving, speaking to Rodney.
Rodney couldn't hear him. He couldn't focus, his vision going blurry. John reached out to steady him but his attempt was futile as Rodney fell from his stool, slumping to the floor, unconscious. John had already called for a med team1. All he had to do now was wait for them.
~
If I smile and don't believe,
soon I know I'll awake from this dream.
Rodney opened his eyes, registering that he was in the infirmary, an IV in his arm. He looked around himself. He could see John leaning against the door to Carson's office, his back to Rodney as he talked with the doctor.
Rodney closed his eyes again, relaxing into the bed, knowing he'd feel sore for a day or so from passing out. He turned his head to the side, his eyes opening again to stare, shattered, at the wall.
Don't try to fix me,
I'm not broken.
A wave of tears breached his eyes and a few tears escaped, running down his cheeks to splash onto the pillow beneath his head.
Hello,
I'm the lie living so you can hide.
Rodney clenched his eyes shut, turned onto his side, being careful of the IV. He curled in on himself, small sobs escaping from him. They were too quiet to bring John or Carson's attention to him. He took silent, shaky breaths, turning his face into his pillow to soak up the tears.
Don't cry.
~
“I want us to talk today, Rodney. More importantly, I want you to talk today.”
Rodney looked at Kate. She was leaning back in her chair, a notepad resting on her crossed legs.
“Why?” His voice sounded strange to his own ears and from Kate's look, she thought so, too.
“Why, what?”
“Why do I have to talk? You don't care. No one cares. No one's ever cared.”
“I that what you think, Rodney? That we don't care?”
“That's not what I think. That's what I know.”
Kate sighed and closed her notepad, setting it on her desk.
“Rodney-”
“Don't. Please, just don't.” His voice cracked and he turned his face away to stare out the window. “I don't know why you're even bothering with this. I'm not suicidal. I'm not trying to kill myself.”
“Then why do it?”
Rodney turned back to stare at her. He had already told her his reason, all of those sessions ago. He stood up quickly and walked out of her office, just short of running. He ignored her calls to 'come back,' 'wait!,' and 'stop!'
He knew she'd alert John to his actions, but he didn't care. He reached the transporter and pressed his desired destination on the screen. He turned around in time to see Kate running towards him before the door closed and he was gone.
~
John ran out onto the balcony near the mess, panting slightly. Thankfully, he saw Rodney. He quickly radioed the control room, telling them he found Rodney.
“Rodney?”
He was sitting quite peacefully on the floor, looking at the water through the railing. His legs were stretched out in front of him as he relaxed against the wall. He glanced at John when he spoke.
“Why did you leave Kate's, Rodney?”
“She doesn't care.”
“Yes, she does, Rodney. We all do.”
“She doesn't.”
“Why do you think that?”
“She asked me why I cut.” John waited patiently for a few minutes for Rodney to continue. When it was apparent that Rodney wasn't going to go on, John arched an eyebrow.
“And that translates to 'I don't care'?”
“It does when, four days ago, she asked me the same question.”
“Maybe she just wanted you to tell her again.”
“Telling her again wouldn't be productive of her to try to 'help' me with my 'problem.'”
“Rodney-” He stopped himself, trying to find the right words to express his feelings. John sighed and walked over to Rodney, settling on the ground next to him.
“Tell me your reasons?” Rodney was quiet for a long moment time before he started talking.
He told John how he did it when he couldn't breathe because he had missed one variable in the equations he wrote to fix the systems and he had got it wrong and if he couldn't find that one mistake in the next two minutes their systems would overload and they'd all die and it'd be all his fault and no one would ever let him forget it if they got out of this and Elizabeth and Radek were looking at him like they just knew this would happen when he suggested fixing the system his way and they blamed him for it completely.
About how when even his bones were tired from running away from angry natives because they had wandered into a temple of sorts because of an interesting looking energy signal when the temple was really some sacred ground worshiped by said angry natives who were shooting either arrows or darts with enough tranquilizers to take down an elephant and they were tied up and thrown into their version of a prison while Teyla did her best to talk them out of the situation because it was all just a big misunderstanding and John's giving him a look of such hatred he's surprised he's still alive because, hey, it's not his fault just because he's the one who's in charge of the energy detector.
Or when his mouth is thick and his heart just feels like a spike in his chest pulsing painfully as he tries to work as quickly as he can while some random leader of some resistance is holding a gun to his head or a knife to his throat or to his team mates' heads or throats and if he doesn't make whatever he's working on work they'll all die and the last thing he'll see is the disappointed and betrayed looks of John, Teyla and Ronon staring at him until he could figure it out and then they look at him with an impatient look of why couldn't he have figured it out sooner?
He told John that he did it after Doranda when he was so sure he had it right and he didn't listen to John when he was telling him to shut it off and they had to get out of there now or they'd both die and it'd be all his fault but they didn't die because he finally listened to John but John's trust in him was shattered along with everyone else's trust in him and for weeks no one talked to him directly just giving him the cold shoulder and ignoring him the rest of the time.
And when he did it when he sister visited, after finding her with his team, telling him about his humiliating childhood with his bed wetting and the bullying because his team had found his hurtful childhood so amusing and they couldn't see the slicing pain in his eyes, one slice for each of them, and how it killed him inside to see them take such joy in his crippling pain and humiliation.
He told John that he did it when he couldn't feel himself anymore because he was so dead inside and nothing – except that – could make him feel something, anything, again.
When Rodney finished, John was silent, his eyes sad and troubled as he brooded over this information.
“I'm sorry.”
“What?” Rodney stared at John in surprise.
“Rodney, I never meant to make you feel like anything that happened on missions was your fault. I'm sorry.”
Rodney continued to stare and John ducked his head sheepishly. He finally looked away from John and back out to the water.
Suddenly, I know I'm not sleeping.
Rodney glanced at John out of the corner of his eye. He could tell that John wanted to say something. He was glad that John didn't try to say what he obviously couldn't verbalize.
Maybe, if he talked more, opened up about himself... got to know everyone a little better... let them know who he was.. he could find a reason not to.
It was a start.
Hello, I'm still here.
AN:: This is the end of this little series. Hope you liked it.