'Til the End of Time

Okay…so Sammy’s soul is going to Hell and there’s nothing I can do to stop it. Most of the time I can forget it or at least bury the thought deep enough to make it through the day. Tell myself it’s not true, that I’ll find a way to stop it, that if I can just love him enough…but at night wrapped in my brother’s arms I can’t stop it from repeating over and fucking over. But there’s something else in there too, some thought trying to get out. It’s important…I know that but I just can’t make it come. It’s bouncing round like it’s looking to hook up and it’s not leaving ‘til it does.

“Go to sleep Dean. You’re thinking loud enough to wake the dead and we’ve got enough problems as it is, don’t you think?” It’s not cuddling, I’ m just cold, curling up tight to Sam one of the last things in my life easy to justify.

“Not thinking, sleeping, leave me alone Sammy.”

“It’s Sam, and I love you, Dean.”

“Yeah, you too, ‘night Sam.”

“Dean?”

“Til the end of time ya girl.”

“Deeean?”

“I swear to God Sam, I’ll love you to the end of time. Now go to sleep before your time ends right now.”

6 frickin’ A.M. in the morning, one fight with Sam, couple hours of incredible make-up sex, few greasy donuts and cups of bad coffee later and we’re on the road…again. Sam’s asleep, head against the window. He’s sleeping even worse now that he forced me to tell him the damn truth about what Dad told me. Damned…fuck Sam and his dark side crap…it’s not happen’n. If I have to take this fight straight to Hell I will. There it is again, just can’t get it to the front…the fight…war…in Hell. Years back Pastor Jim was telling my Dad something ‘bout a war in Hell; a building war. He said soon it was going to be a real bad time to hunt. Sammy, being Sammy was all over the why of it. Me…I just figured any hunt that ends in a dead son of a bitch is a good hunt so who cares about time. Sam ’I gotta know everything’ Winchester and his stupid questions got us sent to bed early but as soon as I tucked the little brat in and got him to sleep I snuck back down the stairs- as far as I dared with Dad sitting there anyway. They were still talking ‘bout it. Jim was saying Sam and me shouldn’t be part of the fight right now. The fuck…I’m damn good at this, Sam’s getting real good too…snotty little brat but…

“Dean stop!” Sam’s screaming in my ear.

“What, where?” I’m screaming back, hitting the brakes, and grabbing for my gun all at once- not bad for a kid who used to walk into walls. ‘Course not much reason for any of it ‘cause when the car stops spinning all I see is Sam’s pinchy, pissed off face. I’m so freakin’ jumped up lately I almost shoot him anyway. I have so got to get laid. Well, the car’s stopped, road’s mostly empty, we could…the fucking car is stopped!

“What the hell Sam?”

“ The case is in Bill’s Fork, right?”

“No, we’re driving through buttfuck nowhere just because I felt like it. Is there a prize at the end of this little twenty questions game of yours?”

“The sign back there said the Bill’s Fork turnoff is 5 miles ahead.”

“Okay, so I did say the brakes could use a little work but…” Oh God, the patient face, I can’t take the patient you’re an idiot Dean but I love you anyway because you can’t help it face. Maybe I’ll be needing that gun after all.

“The sign was on the other side of the road, Dean, back there.” Sam’s “If you’re that tired I can drive” was mostly lost to the sound of screeching tires.

16 hours later the Golem’s dead( what a freakin’ Golem’s doing in Nebraska even geek boy couldn’t figure out), the good townspeople are all safe and snug in their little beds and I know how to save Sammy. It just hit me or maybe it was that last toss across the room that slammed those two lost thoughts together but I’ve got it now. Hell’s at war and it needs fighters. This shit the demons are screaming about not going back and Hell being worse then anything we could imagine just doesn’t fit- all the books me and Sammy had to read- they all talk about devils gleefully torturing the damned souls; not writhing in pain themselves. And I haven’t seen anything gleeful about the bastards doing the possessing lately so I’m thinking maybe what Pastor Jim meant wasn’t a building war but a bidding war. A war for control of Dominion. So, these…devils…need fighters. I figure-go with your strengths right-and nobody’s better at killing demons then yours truly. It’s what I was trained for; bet I could be real good at doing the training. Hell, even with all the emo shit Sam’s the second best soldier I know and Dad aside( damn, that still hurts) I did a pretty good job with him. So…just gotta find the right demon to make a deal with. Yeah, yeah I know that always ends well, but since I’ll be trying to get into Hell not stay out of it, I figure I’ve got an edge. Gotta be careful though, make sure the deal leaves Sammy in the clear, make sure he can’t bargain himself in later. ‘ Cause, let’s face it, that’s just something he’d do. Means I can’t just magic up a meeting though…can’t leave Sam alone that long. God, I can’t even really say goodbye can I? But I’ll make sure he knows, everyday, every minute until…he’ll know how much I’m gonna miss him. How I need him every minute of every day. Need to some research on my own now, no sense in doing this deal ‘til I’m sure.

3 weeks later
Turns out I was right, bad for me and good for Sam; I guess. Damn I wish I could tell him how sorry I am that he’s the one left alone, but, hey, if it was the other way ‘round I’d crash and burn faster then a dollar disappears in a strip bar so…better this way, right? Wasn’t easy but with a little judicious demon torture (here’s hoping they won’t hold a grudge) I got the story. Seems this war has been raging ever since some angels decided to jump before they fell…caused some kind of hierarchy problem in Hell. One of the last of red-eyed devils I handled told me that no one Daemon has been able to consolidate enough power to take control of Legion; that some had chosen to go rogue and create their own armies. Score! And then came the offer…


The writing was sort of smeared but Sam could still read it…only it got harder once he’d added tears of his own to the paper.
You know, ever since Mom and Dad brought “baby Sammy” home I belonged to you. Decided I would give you anything you wanted. Even that first day I stood over your crib and swore to God that I’d always take care of you. Maybe people think it’s impossible for a four year old to love that much but it seemed right to me. I was going to be the best big brother ever. Then the demon came and Dad gave you to me. I don’t think he ever really took you back or maybe I wouldn’t let him, hell I don’t know. Anyway Sam, it was me who tucked you in, kissed your head and promised to love you forever. ‘Member Sammy, you wouldn’t go to sleep until I promised, still won’t will ya Samantha? You said it made it all better because forever was all time and time never ends. Pretty smart for a three year old, weren’t ya? There’s always time. Yeah, Sammy…time never ends( isn’t that gonna just suck) and I never break my promises to you. So I promise, I’m gonna make sure you and Mom and Dad and Jess get to be together. See, I’ve been thinking about this a lot and I think…well, I guess I believe, that if Heaven is what makes us happiest then that normal you’ve wanted so bad for so long is waiting there for you. I’m going to get it for you; at least I’m giving you the best chance I can. I’ll take care of this “damned soul” problem but you’ll have to do the rest Sam. I may be the awesomest big brother ever but I’m guessing I’m gonna be a little busy for awhile. I’ve always given you everything baby brother-the biggest cookie, the toys you wanted best, the last orange popsicle…my body, my kisses, my heart. I hate to quote a country song, God, if you ever tell anybody I even know this song I swear to God I’ll haunt your ass, but you’ve always come on me wave on wave ( okay that didn’t sound quite so nasty when I was just thinking it) but I won’t forget how good it felt, feels dammit- I’m not gone yet, to hold you tight enough to hear the blood moving through that perfect body. Sammy, I was crazy in love with you even before I knew what in love was and if I’m right about this trade meaning you’ll never see the inside of Hell then don’t forget; wherever you are, wherever I am, I will be loving you…it’s just, the waves lately, they’re drowning me. Every time I think I’ve broken the surface something else rolls me back under and I…I can’t catch my breath. I can’t sleep or eat and it’s… I’m… gonna get you killed ‘cause I’m too slow and I can’t live without you; I just can’t. Please Sammy, please try to understand, I have to save you to save myself. Just remember, no matter who has my soul; you have my heart. I belong to you; body and…okay, so maybe I could’ve found a better way to end this letter but then you always were the smart one, little brother. I know you’ll figure it out eventually so I’m gonna leave this somewhere I’m sure you’ll find it. God Sammy, gonna miss you so much. Tell Mom and Dad…tell ‘em I love them and I’m sorry, but I had to do this…Dad’ll understand at least. I hope someday you can too. Remember Sam, I love you, you just remember that, okay? I need you to…someone to…don’t forget me.
Goodbye, Sammy.
P. S. Sam, if you hurt my baby I will hunt you down!

Weeks later

He’d been waiting…forever it seemed…but it was just over an hour since the last sign and sound from the hellhounds had gone and Dean still wasn’t back. Sam was really getting worried; he knew he shouldn’t have let his brother go alone, not in the state of mind that seemed to be second nature anymore. Finally he couldn’t take it and borrowed Evan’s car. He spent the drive to the bar desperately praying he was wrong. He was halfway to convincing himself Dean had had a flat tire until he spotted the Impala abandoned by the old water tower. Sam didn’t want to read the letter he saw lying on the passenger seat, he didn’t want to know; it would make it real. He approached the single piece of paper like it was a black hole waiting to suck all the good left to him out of his life…he picked it up.

He was trying, he really was, but the words just wouldn’t make sense. They couldn’t be saying what he thought they did, Dean wouldn’t leave him like this, he couldn’t. He knew better, better than anyone…but his brother had been so tired lately, so desperate to find some way to save him. But this…
Screams, torn from his soul, “ Please don’t let this be real, oh God please, I don’t want to be saved, not like this, not if it means losing everything.” Screaming it to the silent sky Sam hit the ground hard enough to rip the skin from his knees but he didn’t feel it; maybe he’d never feel anything ever again. Not feel, not breathe… broken-voiced, Sam begged the God he had always trusted despite everything, ”just give him back to me…please. I need him. I can’t do this alone.” No answer, nothing but the neon reflected in the Impala’s windshield; seeming to mock his bright new future with every sputtering pulse…
Lloyds – cold – Lloyds – alone - Lloyds – DEEEEEAAAN!