The Hercules Picture Show

This is a crossover of Hercules: the Legendary Journeys and The Rocky Horror Picture Show, properties of MCA and 20th Century Fox respectively. Not making any money off of this.
I plan on having 6 chapters, approximately 3 pages each. The Hercules section here looks so lonely. I have to add something! Please leave a review and tell me what you think. Feel free to throw things at your computer.

A long, long time ago, in a land of myth and legend, Zeus said "Let there be lips." And there were lips, and they began to sing:
Harryhousen was smashed
The day the Titans clashed
But he told us where to stand
And Red Sonya was there
In chain mail underwear
Arnold S. was the barbarian
Then something went wrong
For Sinbad before long
It was fiction written by a fan
And with a ringing chime
It came from another time
And this is how the message ran
Historical fiction, double feature
Dr. X will build a creature
See minotaurs fighting Herc and Iolaus
So drink Pepsis and Coca Colas
At the late night double feature
Picture show
I knew Ashley J. Williams
Was gonna go thrill 'em
When the deadites took to the hills
And it really was slick
When he used his boom stick
To fight a she-bitch that spits blood and kills
He did it with one hand
And that was grand
Cuz shooting takes lots of skills
But when worlds collide
Said Rob Tapert to his bride
I'm gonna give you some terrible thrills
Like a....
Historical fiction, double feature
Dr. X will build a creature
See minotaurs fighting Herc and Iolaus
So drink Pepsis and Coca Colas
At the late night double feature
Picture show
I wanna go
Whoa oh, oh-oh
To the late night, double feature
Picture show
By MCA
Oh-oh-oh
To the late night, double feature
Picture show
In the back row
Oh-oh-oh
To the late night, double feature
Picture show
Gradually, the lips faded away, revealing a cross topped with a circle. In a couple millennia, this symbol would be adopted by the Feminist Movement, but today, it served as a symbol for the goddess Aphrodite and decorated the highest steeple of her temple. Today, as the chiming of bells announced, the said goddess was marrying her love, Hephaestus, God of the Forge. After the ceremony, the bride, groom and nearly everyone from Olympus poured out of the temple, showering the couple with rice and well wishes. Artists took sketches so that they could later make commemorative mosaics. Only two guests were not gods. Aphrodite's half-brother Hercules was in attendance as was his mortal friend, Iolaus.
As Aphrodite let everyone admire her one last time before she left for the honeymoon, Hephaestus approached Hercules. "Well, looks like we did it!" the god said, giving Hercules a playful punch in the arm.
Hercules returned the playful punch. "It couldn't happen to a nicer couple, Hephaestus."
"OK, this is it, you guys!" yelled Aphrodite. "I'm gonna throw the bouquet!" Aphrodite turned around and tossed the bouquet to the crowd of eager guests. As luck would have it, Iolaus caught the bouquet.
"Hey, I got it!" Iolaus called out.
"Hey, big fellow!" Hephaestus said, giving Hercules another playful punch. "Looks like it could be your turn next!" Hercules laughed nervously and returned the punch. A chariot drove up bearing a sign reading "She got hers, now he'll get his!". Hercules pondered what Hephaestus meant by "your turn next". He patted one of the horses twice, and waved good-bye as the chariot drove off with Aphrodite and Hephaestus. The other guests dispersed, leaving Hercules alone with Iolaus.
"Wasn't it beautiful, Herc?" asked Iolaus. "Didn't Aphrodite look radiant?" Iolaus toyed with the flowers he was holding. "I can't believe it, an hour ago she was plain old Aphrodite, and now...she's Mrs. Hephaestus!"
"Yes, Iolaus." Hercules said as the walked away from the temple. "Heph's a lucky guy." At that moment, Strife scurried by, sobbing about how he always cried at weddings. Hercules ignored him and walked along with Iolaus. "And everyone knows Aphrodite's a great cook."
"Yes." Iolaus agreed.
"And Heph will be in line for a promotion for a year or two."
"Gods can be promoted?" Iolaus asked.
Hercules decided it was time to drop the small talk, and say what he needed to. "Hey, Iolaus, I've got something to say."
"Uh-huh?" Iolaus responded nervously.
"I really loved the...." Hercules groped for words. "Skillful way, you beat the other guys to the bride's bouquet!"
"Oh, Herc...." Iolaus blushed.
Salmonius woke up with a jerk just as the music started. Talk about your weird dreams! Well, time to get up and do his job.
Salmonius dipped the quill in the ink and put the nub to the parchment. Hercules' latest adventure was the strangest one yet, but as his biographer, it was Salmonius' duty to record it.

I would like, if I may, to take you on a strange journey. It seemed an ordinary fall evening when Hercules left Thrace with his sidekick, Iolaus. It was true that there were storm clouds brewing as the sun set. Heavy, black and pendulous. But, being well seasoned heroes, they weren't going to let a little rain stop their travels. It was a night out they were going to remember for a very long time.
The two comrades were following the trail from Thrace as Iolaus read a parchment. "What are you reading?" Hercules asked.
"It's this thing they started doing in Thrace." said Iolaus. "See, they write down all the things that have been happening in Greece and the rest of the world on parchments and sell them. Keeps you informed on everything that's going on. And, since something new is happening every day, they call it the news."
"Alright, so, what's in this, this news paper I guess you'd call it?"
"Well, there's this king named Nixonius who has to abdicate." said Iolaus, scanning the article he just read. "See, he took all the tax money and buried it next to a gate by the town aqueduct. They call it the Watergate Scandal."
"Watergate?"
"They got a horoscope page here too." said Iolaus. "It says all Sagittarians should be prepared for new experiences. Wanna hear what it says for Pisces?"
"Iolaus, you know I don't believe in horoscopes."
Iolaus squinted at the parchment. "Ah, it's getting too dark to read." He began to roll the paper up.
"Looks like a storm is starting." Hercules observed as he watch the sky boil with black clouds. "We'd better find shelter."
"Where will we go?" asked Iolaus. "We're in the middle of no where."
Hercules had to think a moment. "Didn't we pass a castle a few leagues back?" Iolaus was pretty sure they did. "Maybe they'll give us shelter for the night."
"Sounds good." Iolaus agreed as they turned back. "Hey, Herc, you know what would be great? If the owner of that castle was a beautiful woman. I might never come out again!" The two laughed.
The rain came down before they got to the castle gates. Iolaus tried using his parchment as a rainhat, with little effect. A sign on the gate warned them to "enter at your own risk". They decided to risk it. There was a light in the window. Someone had to be there. The front porch was partially roofed. It seemed fortune had smiled on Hercules and Iolaus. It seemed they were to get the help their plight required. Or had they?
Iolaus gave a statue of a bird-like creature a cautionary tap. It seemed like an ordinary statue, but one could never be too careful. Hercules pulled on the rope by the door, causing an ominous chiming of bells. Slowly, the door opened to reveal a cadaverous looking man with long, limp hair. He observed the two indifferently and said "Hello".
"Hi, I'm Hercules." Hercules extended a hand to the man, and awkwardly took it back when it was obvious the man wasn't going to accept the pleasantry. "Um, and this is my friend, Iolaus. We were hoping you could provide us a little shelter for the night."
The man stared at them blankly. "You're wet." he observed.
"Uh, yes." Iolaus agreed. "It's raining."
A clap of thunder and a flash of lightning caused all three to jump. The lightning flash revealed a strange metal contraption with what looked like two wheels. "I think perhaps you'd better both," said the man "come inside."
"You're too kind." Iolaus said, wondering just what he was getting into.
The door closed behind them with a thud. "This way." the cadaverous man instructed, leading the way.
"So," said Hercules. "Whose castle do we have the pleasure of staying in?"
The man stopped, turned and looked at the two blankly for a moment before speaking. "The master does not often receive visitors." he said. "But I anticipated that he would not turn away the great Hercules. My master is really quite the fan."
"Oh, I guess we're pretty lucky then." said Iolaus.
"You're lucky." said a woman's voice from the top of the stairs. "He's lucky, I'm lucky, we're all lucky!" a woman with wild reddish hair garbed as a serving wench slid down the banister with a mad cackle.
"That banister is lucky!" Iolaus commented.
"Magenta," the cadaverous man toyed with a few of the woman's frizzy locks. "My most beautiful sister. Do be a darling and fetch some towels for our...guests."
"Right away, brother dear." she said, giving him a lascivious smile most sisters did not give their brothers. Just before departing, the two touched their finger tips together and then joined elbows. An unusual salute.
"Sister, huh?" said Iolaus. "Is she single?"
The cadaverous man glared at Iolaus, and for a second he was afraid he had said precisely the wrong thing. "Magenta would not be interested in the likes of you." He turned his gaze to Hercules. "Nor you!"
"Hey, relax!" said Hercules. "We're not here for your sister; we just want some shelter until the rain dies down at least."
"Yo, Riff-Raff!" A heavy set man in black leather entered the room. "Know where the tarp is? I gotta cover up my motor...."
"Shut up!" the cadaverous man snapped.
"What's a motor?" asked Iolaus.
Riff-Raff glared at him. "None of your concern." he said evenly. Riff-Raff turned his attention on the heavy set man. "Eddie, how many times must I tell you? Do not mention things of the uture-fay in front of the Eek-grays."
"What's an Eek-gray?" asked Iolaus.
"I don't know." said Hercules. "Sounds Latin."
"Yeah, Latin spoken by a pig!" Iolaus joked.