Jack of My Heart

A few things before you read the story:
1. This is my very first fanfic story.
2. If you haven’t watch the Torchwood episode “Captain Jack Harkness” please watch it first. This is a major spoiler and it won’t make since if you haven’t seen it. If you haven’t seen it in awhile you may want to re-watch it.
3. I am an American. And beings both “our” Jack & “1941” Jack are American as well, I saw no reason not to write it using American terms and slang. There will be no “Ois,” “bums,” or “knickers” here. Sorry.
4. Finally, gentle, helpful criticism is welcome, but be kind as, well… see #1.


I sat and I stared at nothing. My eyes were raw from crying and my mind was filled with enough memories and regrets for three lifetimes. Mostly though I thought of the man whose name I stole all those years go, but that hasn’t happened yet in this timeline.

When Toshiko and I first got trapped in 1941, I wasn’t worried. I had confidence in Tosh and the rest of my team. We would get back, so why worry. I was actually enjoying myself. It was the nostalgia of a better time. After all, 1941 was the year my whole life changed. It was when I meet the two people who became my family and made me want to be a better person. This time though I meet someone even more surprising. The real Captain Jack Harkness! I knew he was going to die the next day and I still let myself fall for him. I deserved the pain I was feeling.

I sent him away tonight, into the arms of his woman. It was far more painful than I thought it would be. I wanted to have him in my arms. I longed for it, but I knew I did the right thing for him. He should not be alone tonight of all nights.

When we were in the bomb shelter earlier, I had thought for a moment that he might want me too, but I was wrong. He had said he wanted to be alone with me, but he just wanted someone to share his pain and loss over the war. He needed to let go of the fear and guilt that he couldn’t show to his men. I was glad I could be there for him, listen and lighten his load.

Right then, in my mind, I pictured him with me, and then to my surprise he was.

“I’d thought you’d gone,” I said. He smiled shyly back at me, his hands in his pockets. “This could be your last chance.”
“That’s why I came back,” Jack said, as he sat down beside me.

I thought my heart stopped for a beat or two and my hopes soared. Does he mean what I think he means? He needed to know how shot the time was.

“I might have to leave before the night is over.”

“Well, then make the most of now,” Jack said flashing me that smile that made my stomach do flip-flops. He took my hand and I intertwined my fingers in his. The heat between us rose. I finally understood why The Doctor always held Rose’s hand that way.

The magic was shattered a moment later, when a young couple wanted to use “lover’s corner.” Jack stammered that he and I were just discussing strategy.

“We’ll go somewhere else,” I said.

“No! You’ve told me all I need to know.” He was scared. Terrified of anyone finding out what he was. The world’s acceptance of "flexible dancing" was more than a lifetime in the future, so he ran.

I probably should have let him go, but I couldn’t. Taking two steps at a time down the stairs, I caught up to him and grabbed his arm.

“Let me go, James.” It seamed wrong to hear him call me that, but it was the name I gave him.

“Jack, please this really is my last chance.” I tried to melt his heart with my eyes.

He looked around nervously; making sure no one else was on the stairs. “I know of a spare office no one uses. Come on.”

*****

When we reached the office, Jack opened the door. Stepping into the room, I surveyed it in the dim light. It was small and spars. A wooden desk with a leather top, desk chair and a filing cabinet were the only furniture.

Jack closed the door behind us. I quickly crossed the room and pulled the curtains shut on the only window. When I turned around, I saw Jack shoving the desk chair under the door knob. He really was scared.

We closed the distance between us and I was in his arms at last. I inhaled deeply, taking in his scent. He smelled of wool, and whisky, and want. He cupped my cheek and kissed me. His mouth was soft and desperate. Putting my hand on the back of his head, I ran my fingers through his short hair and deepened the kiss. I parted my lips, inviting him in. His tongue pushed in eagerly, exploring my mouth. He tasted of scotch and smoke. He was stealing my breath and pushing me up against the side of the desk.

“Oh, James,” he moaned when he paused for air. Our hands roamed over each others bodies trying to feel the men under the clothes. It was not enough for me. I wanted to feel the man instead. I unbuttoned his jacket, slid it off his shoulders and tossed it on the chair by the door. Then, I pulled out his tie and, with some fumbling, untied it. No easy feat while still kissing him. I started to unbutton his shirt, but he stopped me.
“Let me. It’s faster,” he said breathlessly and took a step back from me.

I wasted no time unbuttoning my shirt and tossing it onto the floor. Next, I grabbed the back collar of my t-shirt and yanked it over my head as I toed off my socks and shoes. When I looked back at Jack, it was all I could do not to bust up laughing. He was nude to the waist and hopping on one foot as he tried to take the shoe off his other foot with both hands.

“Hay! It’s not nice to laugh at a fella in distress,” Jack chided in mock hurt.

“Let me.” It was my turn to offer as I knelt before him.

He put his hands on my shoulders to steady himself as he offered me his foot. Grabbing his ankle with one hand, I untied his shoe and pulled it off slowly. Then reaching up inside his pant leg, I pulled down his sock stroking his calf as I went. I could feel his eyes on me as I lifted the other foot to repeat the process.

His hand cupped my cheek, tilting my head up. I looked up into his eyes and I was transfixed. His face was bathed in the moonlight seeping in through the sides of the curtains. His lips were swollen from my kisses and his eyes sparkled with emotion. With longing and lust. I was lost in those eyes. I sat back on my heels, taking in the sight of him.

“What?” Jack asked.

“God, you’re beautiful,” I whispered in awe of him.

He blushed and smiled. Grabbing my shoulders, he pulled me up to him. He pushed me into the side of the desk once more, with a powerful kiss. His hands massaged my lower back and shoulder blades. His mouth slid down my jaw line and onto that sensitive spot on the side of my neck, sending shivers through my body. I slid my hands down his back. One hand slipped under the waist band of his dress pants and boxers to cup his ass cheek and pull him into me. It was his turn to shiver, and I felt his bulge pressing into my hip bone. His mouth slid up my neck to just under my ear.

“Give or take, James? It’s your choice,” he whispered.

It took me a moment to understand what it was he was asking. Then the thought of it made my pulse race.

“Take me, Jack. Please take me!” I was surprised at how much I wanted this. It was usually me doing the "giving" -- being the dominate one. But, this was not my life. It was his and I needed him to give it back to me -- however illogical that sounded.

He kissed me hard and desperately, full of need. Then he stiffened and pulled back. His eyes were wide like he had just thought of something horrible.

“What?” I asked.

There was an odd look on his face. Was it frustration? Embarrassment? Both?

“James, I …” he started to say looking down at the floor. “I don’t have any …”

How I knew what he was trying to say I’ll never know. I smiled wickedly, reached into my pants pocket, pulled out a small tube of lube and handed it to him.

Jack stared at it trying not to laugh. Then he picked it up, wiggled it at me and said, "You keep it in your pants?”

“Not if I can help it.” And I winked at him.

We both busted up at this, trying hard to keep our laughter quiet. Finally, I took the tube from him, laid it on the desk and took him into my arms again. This time, my mouth explored his neck as my hands undid his belt and the front of his pants. Jack’s hands had the same idea as both our pants hit the floor at the same time. I stepped out of mine and kicked them away, standing naked before him.

Jack stepped away from me, picked up his pants, folded them neatly, and laid them on the chair blocking the door. That was when I noticed the rest of his clothes in the same neat pile. When did he have time to do that? The word “retentive” popped to mind and I thought of Ianto. But only for a second, because Jack slipped out of his boxers and the sight of him naked made all thoughts but him leave my mind.

When I reached for him again, Jack put his hands on my collar bones, locked eyes with me, and forcefully told me to “turn around.” Though there was as much pleading in it as command.

I obeyed willingly. The full contact of skin on skin as he embraced me from behind made my knees weak. Sliding his hands to my hips he pulled me further back, then leaning forward; he bent us both over the desk. I rested my forearms on the desk top and spread my legs further apart. Stepping forward with my right foot, I bent my knee and braced it against the side of the desk. I could feel him trembling against my back and his hard cock was pressing into my ass cheek.

“God, it’s been so long,” Jack moaned into my neck, as his hands slid down my chest. His right hand stroked over my hip, down the top of my thigh, across my knee that was pressed into the desk, and then left a trail of fire along the back of my thigh. Finally, he cupped my right cheek and squeezes it.

His left hand moved slowly down my abdomen and encircled the base of my cock. My hips jerked into his hand involuntarily, and a deep guttural moan escaped my throat. He began excruciatingly slow strokes up and down my shaft. Then, after only a few strokes, both hands were gone and he leaned back away from me. I ached at the sudden loss, but only half a moment later, I saw his hand reach for the tube that was lying beside me on the desk. I wiggled my butt back into him in approval.

“Patience,” Jack said, “give me a chance.”

Soon enough, slick fingers spread lube along the crack of my ass, and his other hand returned to stroking my cock. I felt light headed as first one finger, then two, slid into me, and stroked up to the knuckles. What his other hand and fingers were doing to my cock was making me pant and moan. When the third finger entered me, I had had enough of waiting.

“Please, Jack. Now,” I begged, knowing he knew what I wanted.

His fingers pulled out and were replaced by a rock hard member at my opening. I pushed back as he stepped forward and the head slid into me. I inhaled sharply with a hiss, as he moaned into my hair. We held still for just a moment, lost in the feeling of each other.

Soon, he was thrusting into me, filling me. His hand stroked my cock in rhythm with his thrusts. Our breath came in pants and our hearts pounded. His balls slapped mine with each thrust and his sweat soaked chest covered my back. The rhythm was hard, and fast, and desperate. I could tell he was close already.

“I don’t think I can hold out.” he groaned into my ear.

“Me neither.” I reached my hand back, cupped his ass cheek and pulled him deeper inside me.

“Let go, Jack. Let go into me.”

All his muscles tightened, and then rippled with spasms, as he came inside me. A few more strokes and I followed him into ecstasy. White hot light enveloped my senses, as waves of pleasure ran though me. I shot my seed into his hand and down the side of the desk.

We lay there for a moment, clinging to each other as we caught our breath. Just as I thought Jack was going to roll off me, we heard footsteps in the hall way.

We froze, Jack still inside me. Neither of us dared to move or breathe. It was a young couple. I could hear the gal giggle at something her young man said. He tried the door knob and was disappointed.

“We’ll go somewhere else,” he said, mirroring my earlier statement.

As soon as the footsteps were out of earshot, Jack was off me and across the room. I stood up in time to see him wipe his hand on the rug in disgust. He already had his boxers on and was pulling up his pants, when I approached him. There was a look of shame on his face and it made my heart ache for him. I started to reach out my hand.

“No, James,” he said, shaking his head and putting his hand on my chest to stop me.

“This shouldn’t have happened. This can’t happen!” There was anguish in his voice and he wouldn’t look at me.

“Jack, you can’t deny this, deny who you are.”

“Can’t I?!” he shouted a little too forcefully. He sighed deeply and shook his head. His voice was a mire whisper now. “My life would be over if anyone found out. You know that.” The discussion was over and he continued to get dressed.

I started getting dressed, too. I took my time, a heavy weight of sadness on my chest. When I’d finished I saw that he was leaning against the door waiting for me. His back was to me and his forehead was resting on his right arm that was pressed against the door. I put my hand on his shoulder. He stiffened at first, then relaxed, somewhat.

“Thank you, James,” he said softly as he turned to face me. It sounded like a good-by. “Thank you for everything, but please stay way,” he pleaded. “I don’t think I can hold it together if you were near me.”

He was terrified and with good reason. I remembered how narrow this time periods view of "dancing" was. All I could do was nod. How could I deny him this? What right did I have to ask for more than he could give?

He turned and opened the door. “I’m not as brave as you,” he whispered over his shoulder, as he walked out the door. I stood in the dark silence for several agonising moments before I, too, left.

***

The time was late. It felt like this evening and my pain would never end. I’d spent the last hour or so telling Toshiko things I probably shouldn’t have and crying. I hadn’t cried this much since I read the report of Rose’s death.

I knew I shouldn’t have, but I couldn’t help staring longingly at Jack from across the room. To me, he looked like the angel in the song that was being song. I was causing him pain by staring. I could see it in his face and in the tears threatening behind his eyes. I looked down at my hands with guilt. I had no right. This was his life, his choice and not mine.

Suddenly, his hand was taking mine, and leading me to the dance floor. It felt surreal and I was almost hesitant. I slowly slid my hand up his arm to his back. The music seemed to fade away and there was no one else, but us. I sighed deeply, relieved to be in his arms again. I pulled him a little tighter to me, feeling his breath panting against my neck. I smiled a little though my tears. I knew how much he was risking just to dance with me. I was honored and humbled that he felt I was worth it. We were both trembling when we stopped. I closed my eyes and leaned in to kiss him once more.

The Rift exploded and I froze. Tosh was yelling for us to get out. I felt like I couldn’t breathe for the pain in my heart. It was ending and I would never see him again. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, as the tears rolled down my face. I swallowed hard at the lump in my throat. Tosh’s voice got through the ringing in my ears.

“We need you!”

“I have to go,” I told him, but I was really telling myself. He nodded his head, never taking his eyes off of mine. I could tell he was fighting to keep control.

“It’s my duty.” I turned to leave him, but I only got a few steps before I stopped. I couldn’t leave. Not without kissing him good-by. I turned back and took his head in my hands. Closing my eyes, I tasted his sweet mouth for the last time. Wrapped in his arms, I tried to pour all my love and loss into him. When we parted our chests were heaving with the effort to breathe though the pain we both shared.

I turned and walked quickly. If I stayed near him another moment I wouldn’t have had the strength I needed to leave at all. As I reached Toshiko I had to turn around. One last glimpse of the amazing, and brave man whose name I strive to be worthy of. The world faded again and he was all I saw. He pulled himself up straight and saluted me. Then he, too, faded, taking my heart with him.