Hospital Bloopers

This was all szaugg's fault, again! I sent her an email and then she said to use it. So, I did. Then she said use all of it, so I did. I'm beginning to think there's mind control involved... The email contents are at the bottom so you can see if I missed one.


"General, I think we have a problem that needs to be addressed."

"And what would that be, Doctor?"

"It seems that SG-1 is starting to have a disturbing effect on my nurses."

"What exactly do you mean, Doctor?"

"Well, There are many indicators, but I'd have to say that the hospital charts are the biggest sign. I have nurses who have been in war zones, dealt with the worst emergency rooms in the largest cities, and I think that the quote "Discharge status; alive but without permission." is a point that should not be missed."

"I beg your pardon?"

"I'm not exactly sure but in the last two weeks I've caught the most bizarre writings in my reviews of their charts. I traced it back to that mission that SG-1 to PX3102. They came home covered in that substance. It seemed harmless, but it looks to have had an effect on the olfactory senses, then mutated into a touch transmission that many seemed to have caught. I can give you a few more examples."

"I think you're going to have to give me a few more before I can take this as a serious threat. All I see is a phrase that could easily be a misinterpretation." He said bewildered.

"I know that it seems unusual, but due to my own allergies and I've been keeping away from anything that could trigger them. That means gloves and a mask for the most part. I haven't had the chance to catch this... thing, or whatever it is, but I find that the more the nurses maintain contact the more interesting the account becomes."

A raised eyebrow was an eloquent reply of disbelief.

"I must insist the door be closed for this meeting in order to preserve discretion on the part of the team as well as my nurses."

"Are the comments truly that bad?"

"Let's rely on the better part of valour. I think the team has enough rumors floating around anyway, don't you?"

He nodded and closed the door to his office. It was a shame he forgot the surveillance equipment Sgt. Siler had left. The Sergeant had no intentions of listening in on confidential conversations, but an unexpected emergency had popped up and he'd left without his box, and it sat unnoticed in the corner of the room.

On floor nineteen a single private stopped at a door to one of the maintenance rooms just as the General's voice came through. He knew that he should leave, but Dr. Fraiser's voice stopped him dead in his tracks. Everyone knew that the rumor team was SG-1. That team fed the gossip mill with their predicaments more often than anyone else, and that cute little scientist that worked for Dr. Felger might want to hear the latest thing happening on their date Friday night.

"Sir, to date I've found at least twenty-five comments ranging from the absurd to the insubordinate, not to mention wildly inappropriate. At first I speculated that the nurses were playing around and that the mistakes were deliberate or simply misunderstood. One said;" The papers were shuffled around in her hand, "That Daniel 'refused autopsy'. I started looking a little deeper and I found that Sam has chest pains when she lays on her left side for over a year, that Teal'c is a healthy appearing decrepit 130 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful, and that the Colonel had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

The General couldn't completely suppress his snort of laughter, "Are you sure this is confined to SG-1?"

"Yes sir, I checked all the read outs from all the stations and as far as I can tell the area of contamination only effects the nurses assigned to them. Look, I have Nurse Pollack stating that Col. O'Neill had a rectal exam that revealed a normal sized thyroid and an abnormal 'lover function'. Let me assure you that you cannot determine the size of a thyroid from that location nor would he care about the colonel's abilities in bed."

"Doctor, I don't even want to know. Please, do the man a favor and don't tell."

There was no hiding the hysterical laughter coming from the room, and it garnered the attention of several passer-bys. In a frighteningly short amount of time the room was packed and more people spilled into the hallways, the fact that Dr. Daniel Jackson was under someone's car for physical therapy had a couple of people gasping. The gossip mill was alive and well prompting an enterprising technician to pipe the conversation into a few more rooms. One should spread the wealth sometimes.

"Is there anything damaging, Doctor?"


"Well that would depend if anything like the fact that a nurse who had been here for three days stated that the major had been tearful and crying, was depressed and had been so since entering her care in 1993! Or would you like the version that says that she was constipated for most of her life until she got a divorce?

"The list is incredible; On the second day the knee was better, on the third it disappeared; Patient was numb from toes down, and apparently left all white blood cells at another hospital; Skin: somewhat pale, but present; Both breast equally reactive to light and accommodation. That one was about Daniel along with occasional, infrequent, constant headaches, something I am about to develop, and my personal favorite; Patient has two teen aged children, but no other abnormalities."

The crowd was roaring with laughter. There was no mistaking the fact that the premier team of the SGC had once again provided the entire base with enough fuel and gossip for month however the plan did not include one Dr Daniel Jackson wandering the halls of the base looking for a diversion, or Teal'c searching for sparring partners. The four rooms had maintained an open door policy which was unfortunate since he was able to linger in the halls and listen to every word.

"Something had to be done, General. The reports generated go through my office, yes, but they don't stop there due to a foothold situation. I can't stop them from going to whomever the government deems appropriate. The rest of the list ranges from innocuous to highly intimate."

"Why stop now, Doctor? I might as well know what my people are in for."

"Yes, sir. Patient was alert and unresponsive. The patient has no previous history of suicides. He has no rigors or shaking chills, but husband states that he was hot in bed last night. While in the ER he was X-rated and sent home. The pelvic examination will be completed later, on the floor and finally examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."

"I hate to say it, but I'd actually like to know who that last one was written about."

Half the base did too.

"But I suppose that patient confidentiality applies here and I'd never want that information revealed about myself."

There were groups of chanters saying "Reveal, reveal!"

"Well...."

There were shouts of "I know where you live!" and "I fix your equipment don't bail on me now!"

A brief knock was heard and the general invited the person in. Col. Jack O'Neill's voice was heard in the office prompting many a nervous look to be exchanged. NO ONE wanted to be caught by that colonel he might take you on a MISSION, and everyone knew what happened to geeks on the colonel's missions.

"Hey, General, just picking something up. You wouldn't happen to know where Siler left that box would you?"

"Yes, I believe he left it in that corner over there. To be honest I forgot about it."

"Well, I hope you didn't say anything too important cause it looks like some of this stuff is on."

Not a word was said, but three soldiers, two airmen and five scientists needed to be treated after the stampede. Ironically no one ever knew the result of the conversation that nearly took lives, but the SGC showed a remarkable increase in productivity and the men and women were very careful in the way they looked at SG-1. However, if one were to observe closely they would have noted all males in the team strutting the day away.


The End

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These are REAL hospital notes, folks!

1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
6. On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it disappeared.
7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
12. She is numb from her toes down.
13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.
14. The skin was moist and dry.
15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

Not Easy At All! But here's hoping you all like it enough to review. (hint, hint!)