My Tears

This is part of a series. Some are one shots and some have chapters. I really hope you enjoy. :)

Pairing: Sam/Dean
Warning: Wincest because I'm trying it out, H/C, borderline non-con. It will look like it's going in a bad direction and then switch back.

There is some rimming as well. Sorry I forgot to put it on the warning list.

It's slightly PWP since it's a one-shot and I'm just doing it to release some stress of my own. Spoilers for "Home".


My Tears Part I

Dean stared at the journal again with the look that proved to Sam that he wasn't even seeing it. He sighed and closed his eyes, trying to make sense of something and Sam was about willing to do anything to figure out what it was.

"Dean..." When his brother didn't respond, he raised his voice. "Dean!"

Dean looked up and frowned and then raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"You've been staring at that journal for nearly two days straight save for pee and sleep time. Hell, you're barely eating. What's the deal?"

Dean shrugged. "Mom's dead."

"She's been dead." Sam immediately regretted the quick response when he saw Dean's eyes narrow in anger. "I didn't mean it that way." He stood up and walked over to sit at the foot of the bed Dean was lying on. "You have to let go."

"Easy for you to say. She loved you enough to come for you when you needed her."

Sam frowned and tried to understand what Dean was saying. "I was a baby when she died. You're the one who she got to know. I just happened to be the one in more trouble at the moment."

Dean nodded. "Nobody comes when I call, Sammy. Not one damn person." He went back to staring at the journal. "You don't understand. You had people to care about you. Dad, Mom, Jess..."

"Don't say her name. I feel guilty enough about her death."

"Why?"

Sam stood up and began to pace. "What?"

"Why do you feel guilty? She loved you and she lived with you and it was bound to happen to someone. Dad loved mom and you loved Jess and...I don't love anybody."

"I did love Jess, but not...not the way that Dad loved Mom."

Dean looked up and quirked an eyebrow again. "What's that supposed to mean, Sam?"

Sam rolled his eyes and looked toward the ceiling. Did he really want to get into this now? "Jess was sweet and she lived with me because it looked good. We had a couple of best friends...Mark and Sarah."

"Another wonder couple?"

Sam nodded. "Only they weren't a couple. Not with each other."

Dean shook his head. "I don't understand."

"Homosexuality is frowned on by the college even though they won't come right out and say it."

Dean just stared at his brother for a few moments and watched his brother squirm underneath his gaze. "I don't get it. They were gay?"

"Yes. Both of them."

"So what does that have to do with you and Jess?"

"Jess and Sarah were a couple."

Dean smiled. "Shit...and you and Mark covered for them? Did they let you watch?"

"No, we were usually too busy to watch them."

"Busy doing what, Sammy? How the fuck can you ever be too busy to watch two women do that?"

"Dean...they were covering for us, too. Mark and I..."

"You were in love with a dude?"

"No...we just enjoyed each other's company. Look, we put on a good act and Jess and I were best friends. She didn't deserve what happened to her." He shrugged. "You're lucky that you don't love, Dean. It saves you from getting hurt." He sat down on the other bed across from Dean, wondering how his brother would react. He thought he'd leave or yell or just hit him, but he wasn't expecting the laughter from across the room.

Dean put the journal on the bedside table and swung his legs over so that he was facing Sam and then just lost it. He laughed until he was red in the face. Just when Sam thought he was going to pass out, he stopped suddenly.

"You think I'm lucky, you son of a bitch?" He shook his head. "Sam, not loving anyone has its drawbacks, you know...I'm glad you had Jess and hell...I'm even glad you had Mark, but don't ever consider me lucky."

Sam was relieved that Dean wasn't going to start gay bashing and just sighed. "Drawbacks...what drawbacks?"

"You don't love anybody and nobody loves you back." He shrugged in a helpless gesture that scared his younger brother. "I have nobody, Sam. You left and I was so damn proud, but I had nobody..."

"Dad..."

"Dad doesn't care about me, Sam. He only cares about mom and you. His friend, Missouri, knew that. Did you notice how I was scolded the whole time, but you were like the fucking prodigal son?"

"I'm sure she didn't mean..."

"Yeah, she did. She didn't like me because she knew that I couldn't like her. I don't have it in me. Dad used to cry all the time over Mom and he'd talk to you...I heard him. He wouldn't talk to me, but he held you and told you everything. He told you that we just didn't love mom enough to keep her here with us. He told you that it wasn't your fault because you were just a baby. He told you that he didn't know how to love her anymore than he had."

Sam sucked in a deep breath. "I never knew he felt that way, but he obviously knew that it wasn't his fault. You just said..."

"He never mentioned me." Dean looked Sam dead in the eye. "That's when I began to believe that it was my fault. I didn't love her enough and she left. When I nearly died in the kitchen she didn't come to save me. I was so alone. But you...in that house...she came to you. She destroyed herself to save you and barely noticed me. I had been waiting for so long...I wanted to tell her I was sorry. I wanted to tell her..." He flinched as he felt the hot tears slide down his cheeks. "I wanted to tell her that I did love her enough, but she never gave me a chance."

Sam just sat there, shell shocked. Dean was in front of him and crying and he wasn't sure what to do. He knew what he wanted to do. It had been on his mind since he had tackled his brother to the ground that first night and felt his hardened body beneath him. Just thinking about it made Sam groan. He quickly looked up, grateful that Dean hadn't noticed.

"Dean...Dad just didn't..."

"He didn't come."

"What? Who?"

"Dad..." He told him about calling his father and breaking down on the phone. "He still didn't come to help, Sammy. He doesn't care."

Sam looked down at the carpet and felt that he could lose himself in the burgundy and green pattern beckoning him to forget what he had just heard. He couldn't imagine Dean getting to that point of desperation and being ignored. "Dad had no right to do that to you, Dean. I'm sorry."

Dean shrugged. "It's fine. I don't care. I'm used to being unloved, remember?" He stood up to get ready for bed and had managed to get his shirt off when Sam spoke softly behind him.

"I love you, Dean."

That was all it took in his raw and vulnerable position and Dean sank to the floor, his head resting against the side of the bed as sobs overtook him. He vaguely registered the feel of his brother behind him, pulling him back so that his back rested against his brother's chest. He turned so he could cry into Sam's shirt and felt his heart begin to mend as Sam brushed his hand through his older brother's hair. He tried to stop crying, but couldn't seem to do it and looked up at Sam with pleading in his eyes. "I love you, too, Sammy."

Sam took a deep breath and thought about how vulnerable Dean was at the moment. He knew that nothing good could come out of what he wanted to do, but he also felt his body raging at the closeness of his obsession. "Dean...I need..."

Dean nodded, having pieced together the looks Sam had been giving him now that he knew he was gay. He had been surprised, but wasn't about to lose Sam now. He just knew that he had to do something to make the pain stop and he needed to know that someone loved him for real and not just for show. He couldn't think straight. He didn't care. Anything not to lose Sam.

"Sam, you've been on the road a long time and I guess...I mean I understand what you need..."

"Damn it, Dean." He grabbed his brother's face in his hands and kissed him hard, not taking any chances that Dean's mind would begin to function again before he brought his fantasy to life. His tongue shoved at Dean's lips and didn't stop until Dean parted his lips enough for Sam to explore his older brother's mouth hungrily.

He shoved himself away from Dean then and reached down to take Dean's hand. The glazed look in Dean's eyes made Sam hesitate for a moment, but he refused to let the opportunity pass him by. He pulled Dean close and ran his hands up and down his bare back while kissing his neck, sucking the soft skin below his ear into his mouth and then releasing it with a soft popping sound.

Dean was holding onto Sam for dear life, needing to feel loved badly enough that he didn't care that he was unsure of what was happening.

Sam couldn't take anymore and stepped back a step. "Get down on your knees." He didn't bother to pull his shirt off, but he did unzip and unbutton his jeans and drop them so they pooled around his ankles.

"What?" Dean looked at him confused, never having been with a man before and not really knowing what he was doing any longer.

"Get down on your knees, Dean." He pushed Dean's shoulders until he was down in front of him and then he pushed the boxers over his hips and down. "Do it." He pressed the head of his penis against Dean's lips and frowned when Dean just sat there. "I love you so much, Dean."

That was all it took and Dean hesitantly took the head into his mouth. He was trying to get a feel for what he was doing when Sam closed his eyes and started thrusting and holding onto Dean's hair to urge him on.

Dean tried not to choke and then whimpered and shuddered in agony. Being used was just another way of being rejected he realized, but he didn't want to do anything to lose Sam. He tried to suppress another shudder, but it shook him to the core and fresh tears began again.

The shudder snapped Sam out of his fantasy and he opened his eyes and looked down at his brother. "Shit..." He pulled away and tried to get Dean to stand up, but he was trying to get Sam's dick back into his mouth and pleading.

"No! I can do it! Please, Sam. I can do it!"

Oh my God...what have I done? "Dean, I want you to stop. Come here." He pulled him up to sit on the bed and sat beside him. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."

Dean looked away. "I can't do anything right, can I?"

"That's not it! I should never have asked...demanded that of you."

"Do you hate me?"

"No...never. I love you so much and I really want to be with you, but I want us to do this together. I know that you're not thinking straight, but dammit...I need you so bad right now."

Dean nodded. "I want you to fuck me, Sam. I need to know that I can do that right at least."

Sam shook his head. "I'll never fuck you." He smiled at Dean's fallen face and leaned in to kiss him gently on the lips. "We'll only make love. It's easy for me. I love you so much and you're everything I've ever wanted."

Dean just looked at Sam in confusion. "Really? But I..."

Sam put his finger againts Dean's lips to silence him. "Maybe what I feel is 'unholy' or some shit, but look how we were raised? I mean...is this really so far fetched?" He smiled. "Every guy I've been with has just been a way to appease me until I came back to you."

He kicked off his pants and yanked off his shirt so he was naked. "It's your first time, Dean. I'm not going to screw this up for you."

Dean's eyes looked haunted for a moment, but it was so quick Sam decided to ignore it for now.

Sam pushed Dean back onto the bed and leaned down to suck one tan nipple into his mouth. He heard Dean gasp and smiled as he sucked a bit harder, the sad look in his brother's eyes forgotten. When Dean moaned, he moved to the other nipple and suckled on that for a full five minutes until Dean was panting in pleasure. Sam leaned up and smiled at his brother. "More?"

Dean nodded. "More would be good."

Sam pulled Dean's pants and underwear down and threw them onto the next bed. He stopped and stared at his brother's body.

Dean suddenly felt very shy. The lights were on and, while he'd had sex with women, most of them were not really in the mood to care what he looked like. "Sammy?"

Sam shook his head. "You're fucking beautiful. Shit..." He fell forward and engulfed Dean's hardened cock quickly, making Dean yelp in surprise. It wasn't long before Sam was moving up and down quickly, sucking Dean as hard as possible without causing pain. Dean wasn't very into it at first, just looking at Sam's dark head bouncing up and down. Finally he began to allow himself the sinful satisfaction of having his cock sucked by his brother, who seemed to be a professional. He moved a little and when he did, Sam moaned and continued his ministrations with more vigor.

Dean started to squirm faster and cried out as he felt his impending climax. "Sammy...I'm gonna...." He didn't finish and just groaned heavily as he felt his cum empty into his brother's mouth. He just laid there and tried to catch his breath as his brother kissed his way back up his body to nibble at his earlobe. "Sammy...that was amazing."

Sam shifted so he could look at Dean and smirked. "That's nothing...." He got up and went over to his bag. "Stay right there." He was surprised he could walk considering how hard he was. Dean's innocent abandon made him want to fuck him dry and hard right there, but he knew that he couldn't do that. He wasn't used to virgins, but he wasn't stupid. He started to get annoyed with his search. Come on...where is it? I haven't used it so it has to still be... He smiled as he pulled out a small tube. "Found it...." He turned back to the bed to see Dean looking a little unsure. No way...we're not going there. He laid back down on the bed. "Dean...we're going to do this, okay? I know you're scared, but it's going to be good. I promise."

Dean just nodded and then closed his eyes. Silent tears started to fall again and he felt Sam kiss them away. "I hate feeling like this. I feel so....vulnerable and like a big crybaby."

Sam smiled. "Dean, you've been through a lot. You're not alone anymore, okay? These aren't just your tears anymore. They're my tears, too. You're mine now. Do you understand?"

"I'm yours?"

"We're each other's, Dean." He kissed him deeply and then sat back on his heels between Dean's legs. "Are you ready for this? I really need to just..do some things."

Dean nodded. "I trust you."

Sam laid down and lifted Dean's legs up. Dean was about to question him when he felt Sam touch his opening gently. He twitched and forced himself to relax as Sam's finger pushed slightly. He gasped and clenched his eyes shut. After a moment the prodding stopped.

Sam kissed Dean's inner thigh. "It's okay. We don't have to."

"No, Sam...I really want to do this. Please...I'll be alright."

Sam nodded and pulled Dean's legs up again. After some more prodding he realized what he was going to have to do. He wanted to so badly that it made his dick throb at the idea of it, but he didn't want to scare Dean more. He finally chose to indulge and take the risk as he leaned down and flicked his tongue out against Dean's puckered opening.

Dean's eyes flew open and he stared at the ceiling. What was....? Oh shit! That's his....! He tried not to choke as he felt Sam's tongue swirl and push against him over and over. He couldn't believe it when he began pushing back against Sam's mouth. He didn't even know that this was something that would ever feel good, but he was already hard again and he also felt a longing for something more.

When Sam's tongue finally pushed into him he was pretty sure he knew what he wanted. "Sam! Oh God! More..."

Sam sat up and smiled, taking the tube and covering his fingers. He slowly pushed one into Dean and thrust back and forth a few times before adding another. He began to scissor his fingers and watched Dean's face for any sign of pain. He knew there would be some, but he was worried that Dean was very sensitive like him.

He never bottomed anymore, but Dean didn't seem the type to top so he wasn't worried about it becoming an issue. He removed his fingers and kissed Dean's nose when he whimpered. Then he covered his hard purple cock with the lube and wondered how he would manage to walk with this desire about to do him in.

"Dean? It's going to hurt the first time, okay? I want you to relax for me."

Dean met his brother's eyes and didn't look away as Sam moved forward. He had the head in, but that was it when Dean's eyes suddenly flashed pain. "Sammy....it hurts!"

"I know...just relax." He began to push in more and wanted to smack himself as Dean cried out and fresh tears started pouring down his face. He realized that his older brother had even more sensitivity than he did. He knew how much it had hurt him the first time, which is why he never did it after he found someone who didn't mind not topping. He could only imagine what it was doing to Dean. He pushed in more and frowned when he saw his brother trying to pull away. "Alright. I'm going to just end this." He slammed home, not caring about taking his time, figuring that one quick big pain was better than dragging it out.

Dean cried out again and choked back a sob. "It hurts so bad...."

"I know. Just look at me." He stayed very still and waited for Dean to focus. "You're the tough guy, remember? You can take this. It's going to get better. I'm going to move now."

Dean shook his head, but stopped when Sam began to move a bit. It wasn't long before he was brushing his prostate with every stroke and Dean started moaning again. "Harder..."

Sam pulled almost all the way out and then slammed in again. This time Dean screamed in pleasure and not pain. Sam continued to fuck the hot body beneath him and started to pump Dean's cock as precum leaked generously from the slit. "That's it, Dean. Cum for me. I want to see it."

That was all it took for Dean to clench around Sam and cry out as white hot streams covered his stomach and chest.

Sam nearly gagged in pleasure as he was squeezed tight. He came hard and howled in ecstasy before falling on top of Dean, covering himself in Dean's cum as well. They stayed there for awhile and then Dean moaned again.

Sam moved and slowly pulled out, frowning at the amount of blood. "Come on...let's clean up."

Dean smiled. "Something wrong?"

"You're bleeding pretty good. I just want to make sure you're alright."

Dean nodded. "I am now, Sam. A little bit of blood won't kill me."

"I just don't want you to be afraid to do it again." Sam blushed. "

"Afraid? I'll never be afraid of being loved back, Sammy...Never again."

Sam kissed Dean one more time before getting them both into a long hot shower. They both knew that fear was something that would never touch their hearts again as long as they held onto each other.


The end! I hope you liked it! I was just trying to see if I could write Wincest at all.