The -ful series

Thoughtful

Word count: 2970

Pairing: John/Rodney

Summary: Realizing that he was already in deep, he took a deep breath and figured he was screwed anyway; he might as well go all the way.

He'd failed. He hadn't brought the goddamn shield up on MX6-784, and now who knew how many people had died when the meteor had struck? He lay in his bed, twisting and turning as he tried to find a comfortable position and once again failed. Sleep was obviously out of the question, but he'd been banned from the lab until he'd gotten some rest, and his brain just spun on a cycle that wouldn't let him go.

Sighing, he sat up. Maybe a walk would help. Pulling on his boots, he made his way out of the room without turning on a light and headed down the corridor, meaning to make his way out to the city's edge. The salt air should help him relax, and then he'd be able to sleep.

Instead, he found himself two corridors over, in front of Sheppard's room, pacing uneasily. He'd just spun on his heel, turning to go, when the door opened, and a disheveled Sheppard looked out at him. "What the hell are you doing, McKay?"

"I - I'm sorry. Didn't mean to wake you. I'll just go." And he turned away once again, only to stop when Sheppard grabbed his arm, tugging at him firmly. He thought about yanking his arm away and going away to let the man sleep - at least one of them should be able to - but instead he followed the tug, letting himself be pulled into Sheppard's room. The door closed behind them.

Sheppard continued to pull and tug until Rodney was against the bed, then he shoved gently till Rodney was sitting down. Collapsing next to him, Sheppard's face contorted as he obviously suppressed a yawn. "Talk to me, McKay."

"I can't sleep," he started, then realized exactly where he was, and stood up suddenly. "I'm sorry for waking you, Colonel. I should go."

Sheppard locked his hand around Rodney's wrist and tugged, pulling him down on to the bed. "You can't sleep. Because of what happened on the planet?" His eyes looked sharp and awake, and Rodney winced. He felt pinned into place by that gaze.

"Yeah. It's my fault. I should have been able to figure it out."

"Bullshit. Blame the Ancients, if you have to blame someone. They're the ones who built shield generators without bothering to educate the people on the planet as to how they worked, so that they got no maintenance for ten thousand years."

Rodney cringed at the disgust in Sheppard's voice. "Yeah, well, they didn't. And I'm the expert in Ancient tech; I should have been able to make it work. Or at least, I should have known that I couldn't, and had you start evacuating that much earlier."

Sheppard yawned again. "Just stop it, Rodney. You did the best you could, and no one could have done better."

Offended, he stood up and tried to leave. "Sorry to have woken you, Colonel. I'll just take my crisis of conscience and go, okay?" Before Sheppard could get a hand on him, he started moving quickly towards the door, thinking open at it as loudly as he could.

From only a few inches behind him, he heard Sheppard say, "Close." The door, of course, responded to Sheppard better than it did him, and the door obediently slid shut again. Then Rodney was pressed up, hard, against it, with Sheppard plastered to his front.

"I'm not going to say this again, so listen up, McKay. You did good on that planet - no one could have done better. This was not your fault." Sheppard had more to say, but Rodney didn't hear it, as he was distracted by the sudden heat and pressure. He frantically tried to will his cock not to respond.

His dick, though, didn't listen to him. He was being pushed even harder into the door, and Sheppard turned just right, bring his hip to press against Rodney's crotch, and he froze, panting, seconds from coming in his pants like a sixteen year old. Sheppard froze as well, and then shifted slightly. "Rodney?"

Rodney brought up his hands to shove Sheppard away, but instead they clutched at his t-shirt, pulling him impossibly closer. "I - " Realizing that he was already in deep, he took a deep breath and figured he was screwed anyway; he might as well go all the way. He licked his lips and pulled Sheppard's head down, kissing him hard.

For a second, he didn't get any reaction, and he was already mentally preparing for the punch that he knew was coming, when Sheppard's tongue slid out and opened Rodney's mouth. Rodney groaned and let Sheppard take control of the kiss. It shook him right down to his toes, every nerve coming alive.

Sheppard shifted again, this time pinning Rodney's arms to the wall, and Rodney sagged, letting Sheppard take some of his weight. "John," Sheppard whispered in his ear, and Rodney startled.

"What?" he asked, not really paying attention, more interested in getting Sheppard's mouth back on his.

"You called me Sheppard. Call me John," Sheppard insisted, tongue tracing patterns on Rodney's ear.

Rodney stood still for a moment. He'd never been invited to call Sheppard John before, and it seemed more... intimate than what they were doing. "John..."

"That's it, Rodney." He was rewarded with another hard kiss that made his knees weak. His hands were still pinned against the door, and he tugged futilely at them. When John's hands held, he moaned softly into his mouth. John pulled back and smiled. "You like that?"

Rodney couldn't stop the blush that flooded his cheeks. John studied his face for a moment, and then chuckled. "What else do you like, Rodney?" His hands tightened and his hip pressed harder against Rodney's groin. "You like it when I handle you rough. I wonder what would happen if - " John cut himself off and rearranged his grip on Rodney's wrists so that they were both held above Rodney's head in one hand. The other dropped to Rodney's chest and pinched a nipple through the fabric of his shirt, causing a deep, heartfelt groan.

It felt so good, not having to be in control. To just let go, and let John do whatever he wanted. What he wanted, apparently, was to kiss Rodney deeply while playing with one of Rodney's nipples.

When John broke the kiss, panting into Rodney's neck, Rodney whined, high and tight in his chest. He was so close, so very close, and John had stopped. John lifted his head and smiled, and it wasn't anything like his normal smile. This one held a world of promise, and Rodney felt his heart pause in his chest, and then it was pounding hard.

"Take your clothes off," John said, letting go of Rodney's hands. Hurriedly, Rodney unzipped his shirt and started to slip it off, trying to take his t shirt off at the same time and getting tangled up in the cloth. He stopped struggling with it when John rested a hand on his cheek. "Slowly. I'm not going anywhere."

Rodney paused and took a deep breath, then carefully finished getting out of his overshirt before stripping out of his t-shirt. His hands drifted down to his belt even as he looked to John for confirmation that he really wanted this. John's eyes were intense, dark with arousal and he nodded without saying anything, so Rodney resumed undressing, only stopping when he stood naked in front of John, who studied him with hooded eyes.

John had been silent long enough that Rodney started to get uncomfortable, flushing all the way down his chest. "I know I'm not much to look at," he said. John leaned forward, cutting off the rest of what he was getting ready to say, kissing him deeply.

When John ended the kiss this time, Rodney had to force his hands to unclench from the grip he had on John's clothes. Smoothing the material uncertainly, he waited while John decided on what he wanted. What he didn't expect was for John to ask, "So, what do you want?"

"To not think," came the answer, before Rodney could stop it. John snorted. Rodney tried to decide what the response should be to that, but then John took off his shirt, showing a sturdy chest full of dark hair, and oh, why didn't he know he had an apparent fetish for dog tags? But he didn't stop his hand from going out to touch where the metal lay, cool against John's warm skin.

"How about this? I do something you don't like, you say 'red,'" John said. "And I think I'm just going to ignore anything else you say, so feel free to make as much noise as you like."

Rodney gulped. He was getting the feeling that this wasn't the first time that John had played these kinds of games, and he might be getting in a little over his head. Then John dropped his pants, and he forgot his fears in the first glance at John's cock. It was hard and red, a little larger than Rodney's own, and he wanted it like he hadn't wanted anything in a very long time.

Sinking slowly to his knees, he reached out. He didn't have to go far, because John stepped up close, one hand wrapped around the base of his cock. "Oh, yeah. Gonna suck me, Rodney?"

He nodded mutely, wrapping one hand around John's hip and opening his mouth. He didn't show any particular finesse - he was too eager for that - instead just taking John a little too deep at first and choking. But when he tried to pull back, John wove his hand into Rodney's hair and held him steady as he started to fuck his mouth.

Rodney relaxed, letting John do as he wanted. It felt good, felt right, and he just stopped worrying, stopped thinking as John's thick cock took his mouth. There was a sudden wash of flavor, John's precome, and he swallowed eagerly, only to have John groan and slowly ease his cock out of Rodney's mouth. "You're good at that," John chuckled as Rodney tried to follow John's cock with his mouth.

He couldn't respond, trying too hard to get John's cock back where it belonged. He was startled when John's hand tightened, pulling his hair. "Ow!"

"Oh, stop. I haven't hurt you - yet - and when I do, you're going to like it. Now get up on the bed, on your hands and knees." Rodney didn't dignify that with a comment, mostly because he suspected John was right. Scrambling, he managed to get up on the bed and knelt there, shivering. Even without looking, he could tell that John was watching him again.

John's hands were warm when they landed on his shoulders, pushing lightly until Rodney got the hint and went forward so that he was lying on his face, ass high in the air. "Oh, yeah," John said, softly enough that Rodney realized that he was talking to himself. The bed dipped and swayed as John climbed on to it, kneeling between Rodney's spread legs. Hands landed on his ass, spreading his cheeks wide, followed by the sensation of wetwarmwet and Rodney realized that John was licking him.

He shuddered at the sensation. It was so intimate and so far beyond anything he'd imagined when he'd kissed John. The tip of John's tongue worked at his hole, and his brain went offline, causing him to shake and grip the blankets in his hands to hold the position. "Christ! John - "

Humming happily, John went even deeper, making Rodney squirm. It felt so good, he was so hard, and if John did it just a little more he was going to come all over the bed... It disappeared just before he started the long slide down into his orgasm. "What? No!"

One of John's fingers slid in, fucking him slowly, but it was no substitute for the tongue that had been so busy. "You only get to come with me inside of you." When Rodney shook his head, John's other hand landed on his ass in a sound smack. "You want it, Rodney. You want someone else in control for a while - that's why you came to me, remember?"

He grunted at the slap and twisted, trying to get that finger deeper. John chuckled and pulled back, adding a second finger. His other hand slid over Rodney's ass and down between his cheeks, gripping the base of his cock. "You'll learn to hold it."

Rodney's heart flipped. This was the first indication that John didn't mean for this to be a one-time thing, and he groaned, almost coming from that thought alone. Only John's hand, still gripping the base of his dick, kept him from it. He did the only thing he could - he nodded.

John chuckled again, and then both hands disappeared, followed swiftly by John climbing back off the bed. Before Rodney could put his brain together to say anything, he realized what John was doing. He was digging in the box that served as a nightstand, and then he pulled out a bottle of something that Rodney assumed was lube.

He stood right there, only a few inches from Rodney's face, and slicked up his dick. Rodney swallowed hard. Looking at it with the idea that it was going to go up his ass, John's dick seemed a lot larger. He hadn't done this much, and it was intimidating. John must have caught the look on his face, and he smiled. This one was a lot softer. "It's okay. I'm not going to hurt you in ways you won't like, I promise."

Rodney closed his eyes and nodded, feeling the tip and sway of the bed as John resumed his position. Then there was a blunt, wet pressure against his hole, and Rodney took a deep breath and tried to force his body to relax.

But it didn't do more than just press lightly. John's hands were everywhere, stroking paths of fire over his skin, making him whimper and moan, and finally he pressed backwards, into that tantalizing presence. John took it as the consent it was, pressing slowly into him.

It hurt, and it burned, but it felt good at the same time. Rodney panted through the burn, willing it to pass. When it finally had, the pleasure burned through him, intense and vivid, leaving nothing behind.

Or so he thought. Then John started to move, and Rodney whimpered. This was pleasure. John's hands tightened on his hips, holding him steady as the force behind each thrust grew. John was talking, whispering really, just scattered words like "Beautiful" and "Needed this." Rodney could do nothing but hold on to the pillow and take it, letting each stroke pass over his prostate, feeling his denied orgasm build once again.

He shifted, spreading his hips wider, deepening the curve of his spine, feeling John slide in a little deeper. John gave a startled shout and started to really pound into him, one of his hands slipping down to surround Rodney's cock. His whispering morphed into a growl that was one steady word, repeated over and over again. "Now, now, now," Rodney sobbed and gave it up, letting the lightening flash through him as his body tightened around John's cock.

John slumped down against his back for a long moment, but before Rodney could say anything he pulled out slowly and rolled to the side. Carefully, Rodney collapsed face down, body shaking as the aftermath of a truly fantastic orgasm rolled through him. By the time he could form a clear thought, John had a tight hold on him, and was whispering. "Shh, it's okay. It's okay."

Only then did Rodney realize that tears were trickling down his cheeks, and he wiped them away roughly. John didn't say anything about them, though, just holding him tight and letting him get control of himself once again.

When Rodney felt less fragile, he pulled away, and John let him go, only chuckling softly when Rodney went to sit on the edge of the bed and winced. John stretched, then rolled up to join him. "Feeling better?"

Mentally, Rodney poked at it. He still felt bad, but there was a little more distance to it, like it wasn't going to reach out and bite him. Surprised, he said, "Actually, yes." John laughed again and pulled him into a rough, one-armed hug.

"Next time, don't let it get so bad. Come to me and I'll pull you out of your head for a while, okay?"

Rodney turned to look at him. "Next time?"

John coughed and colored, turning to look at the floor. "Not that we're going to have the exact same circumstances again, please god. But you know, the next time you can't your brain to shut off."

Deciding to let John off easy, he just nodded. "Okay. It works both ways, you know."

John looked at him and smiled. "Oh, I know."

Standing, Rodney started to pull together his clothes so he could get dressed. "Where are you going?" John asked.

"Back to my room?" But Rodney made it a question, and when John raised an eyebrow at him, nodding meaningfully towards the bed, he dropped the clothes and hurried back, climbing back into bed with him. They probably shouldn't do this often, and it was probably a terrible idea to do it at all, but he couldn't help wanting just this for himself. Once in a while he was allowed to be greedy for himself.

Turning, he let his head rest on John's shoulder. Closing his eyes, he decided tomorrow was soon enough to deal with the fallout from tonight.


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