Trust Me

Trust Me

Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these characters, I just write for the pleasure of it. This is based on Episode 26: Trinity. Please be gentle! This is my first SG fanfic. If you like it, I’ll continue. Please R&R!


I’ve lost his trust. The one man that I truly had respect for in the military, the one man that I’ve truly fallen for and I fear that I’ve lost him forever. Even though he said that he could trust me again if I worked at it, I feel that gnawing rift between us. That loss of faith in me kills me as I see it in his eyes every time he speaks to me.

I never meant for it to happen. I honestly thought that I could control it. Even after Collins’ death. That broke my heart. I was responsible for him and I let him down. Hell…I might as well have killed him myself with my own hands, sending him in there when I knew that the weapon was unstable.

What went wrong? Where did I go wrong? I’ll probably never figure it out. I just don’t understand and that bothers me. The guilt of my man’s death looms over me dangerously and I just can’t stand that his death is suddenly meaningless. He knew what he was doing. He was smart, though I never would have admitted it to him.

Why is it that I blame myself when Zelenka doesn’t? He sees the hurt in my eyes every time I stare at that empty work space where Collins worked. Sees the heartbreak. Knows the blame and the guilt that I carry over it. It’s one of the downsides of being Head of Science.

I work hard, day and night now. Not that it’s any different, my work schedule. But now it’s only because I know that if I sleep I’ll have nightmares of loosing one of the best men that I had the honor of working with. And it was all my fault.

Another thing that was my fault was the explosion…the loss of almost an entire solar system. I should have listened to John. I should have. But my stubbornness and my ego just got in the way. I thought that I had it under control.

I should have known better. I should have realized that, though Arcturus had potential that it would never be stable. Should have known that even I, with my mass knowledge could not control such power. Yet still…the picture of Collins’ body burnt to a crisp from the radiation…of him down in the morgue…of his mourning family, haunted my mind and I couldn’t handle the thought of not being able to make his death not seem so pointless. To help me learn something.

This loss that I suffer now though…this has taught me a lesson. The loss of my friend, my heart. Even as I stare at the simulations of the very weapon that made him loose his faith in me I can’t understand it. My brain hurt as I tried to get past the fluctuations. That I couldn’t think of a way to earn his trust again, to see his chocolate eyes light up when he saw me hurt my heart even worse.

Without noticing, without thinking, tears rolled down my face and I didn’t bother to stop them. Who would be here to see them after all? Who would be here to listen to my anguished sobs as I thought about nothing but the look on John’s face that day on the lonely, isolated planet?

He didn’t hate me, I knew that. I also knew that he feared for my safety and knew that I’d gone to far. Yet I couldn’t accept that. Couldn’t grasp the concept of being wrong. Still he reached out to me, getting me to see that I couldn’t fix this problem. That wasn’t something easy to accept.

Yet he got us out of there with our lives in tact. Although I know that if it wasn’t for Daedalus watching our…my…experiment going awry, that we wouldn’t have gotten away with our lives, he was still a hero to me.

I knew I was in trouble with him, even before we got back to Atlantis, but still, all I could think of was my complete love for him and my complete failure. I failed him and I failed Collins and many other people that day.

Even when Elizabeth berated me in her office, I couldn’t accept it, wouldn’t take the blame completely due to my massive ego. Yes, I admit it. I do have a massive ego. I played it off as if it wasn’t that big of a deal. As if destroying ¾’s of an entire solar system was much compared to the learning experience of harnessing control of that power.

When it came to John though…God. It broke my heart when I saw the look on his face as I caught up to him before he got onto the elevator. He didn’t want to see me. Didn’t want to talk to me. But I spoke anyways, knowing that I had lost his trust, yet wanting him to love me all the same.

I would have gotten down on my knees and begged it from him if it would have helped, but I knew that it wouldn’t. I was his slave and he my master at that point. I knew that I would do anything to earn his trust again. Anything to see his eyes and those lips smile at me with pride, admiration and love.

Still, all I could do was stay awake. Stare at these simulations blankly, sobbing until no more tears would come, racking my brain to see what went wrong and how I could fix it. And how I could show that I could be trusted again.

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He doesn’t know that I’m here. Doesn’t know that I’m watching him work in the dark, see the tears glistening in his eyes, watching them as they fall down his face. God knows I love him.

As I sat there, I wanted to come up to him, hold him and tell him all was forgiven. That I trusted him again and that I loved him. No matter what the cost. But the truth was, I was still to angry at him to do that.

He asked me to trust him. I was angry at him when Collins’ had died. I didn’t blame him, but I had been angry. Angry because I knew that this would happen, thinking that Rodney should have known better then to send him in there when the power was spiking that badly, yet he sent him into there. Sent him to his death. He should have known.

He’d come to me that night, after the meeting and after the autopsy. The scent of burnt flesh still fresh in all of our minds. He’d wanted to come in, to explain himself. I wouldn’t let him. I knew that if I had I wouldn’t have been able to control myself. How would I know if I wouldn’t hurt him for being so careless? Or how did I know that I wouldn’t pin him up to the wall and want to soothe his pain?

It was something that I wasn’t ready for. Something I’m sure neither of us was ready for. I wish he hadn’t felt so much pain, but in a way, I guess he needed it. Deserved it. No…that’s not true. Even I know that. He didn’t deserve it. He was just trying to salvage what he could and did the best that he could under the circumstances.

He’d stood outside my door, a look of sadness, confusion and guilt written all over his face, wanting to be held, to be comforted and to be understood, yet I stood there, arms crossed with a stony look on my face. After all…what explanation could he give?

Confusing man that he was, he spoke of a man that I’d never heard of before who worked on the Doomsday project. A man that had radiation poisoning, working his remaining days to teach people what he did wrong so they wouldn’t make the same fatal mistake.

He told me that he could fix the problem. That Arcturus was one of the biggest discoveries…more important discoveries, “Trust me,” he said. My heart went out for him and it took all of my strength then not to grab him by the arms and kiss his beautiful face. I wanted to trust him. I wanted him with all of my heart. But instead I simply nodded and went to bed.

I didn’t sleep that night. Couldn’t sleep. Not with the forlorn, lost puppy look on Rodney McKay’s face haunting my mind. Sighing, I got up and took a run from the west pier to the east pier and back to my room to no avail. I couldn’t get him out of my mind. I couldn’t help but want to make love to that body and have a conversation that would stimulate our minds into an intellectual orgasm.

God how I wanted to forgive him. How I wanted to berate him and tell him that I loved him. But I was to stubborn to tell him that. He needed to feel the guilt. Needed to come to terms with the fact that, though he was a brilliant scientist, he couldn’t fix everything.

I kept hearing his voice cracking in my head as he spoke of his heartfelt sorrow at the meeting. Yet there was that stubborn streak that forced him to press forward with the experiment. Even when Weir said no.

The next morning I went to Elizabeth and spoke to her. Got her to say yes. I wanted to save him. To trust him. She could see it in my eyes and I was desperate for things to go right this time so I could believe him and love him again.

We went to the abandoned planet, Rodney and I, and set up the weapon. Kept it at 40% capacity as he desperately tried to hold the shields together. He was cocky and thought he knew what he was doing, even when the energy levels began to spike again.

He was a fool, I thought. He should have known better, especially the second time around, yet that ego took control as he fought to prove that he could do it. Fought to prove that he could make things right again and not make Collins’ death pointless.

I told him to shut the machine down. That it was to powerful for us to control or to contain. Granted we had all been excited by the aspect of the power when we first found it. Even I couldn’t control my excitement when he had first told me about it. I remember with a smile as he giggled when he told Elizabeth what we had found, but now we found that we couldn’t harness it. That it was to dangerous.

Looking into his eyes, I saw the fear as he knew he was loosing control, knowing that he had failed and yet he dug his heels into the ground and tried to salvage what little pride he had left.

I forced him to leave when he realized that he couldn’t shut the weapon down. Forced him to focus on me. A very angry John Sheppard. Only I wasn’t really angry, more worried about saving our asses. I couldn’t loose him. Not yet. Not when we’d just realized our feelings not to long ago.

We got into the puddle jumper and he tried to give me orders. I got pissed and told him to shut up. He knew I was pissed then too. Anyone who had known me as long as we’d been friends, knew when I was pissed.

But what I was pissed about I wasn’t quite sure. Was it the fact that he’d been foolhardy enough to believe that he could control such power, after the fact that one of his scientists had died, or was it the fact that I knew it wouldn’t work and yet had been foolish enough to let Rodney try it again? Maybe it was both. I wasn’t sure. All I knew was that I didn’t…couldn’t trust him, or myself again.

TBC