Find Me

Find Me

Word Count: 3933

Pairing: John/Rodney

Rating: NC-17

Author: Wolfshark

Summary: There was a brisk black market trade in porn, and he'd downloaded enough while home to be able to really earn some points.

A/N - Based on this little piece. I'm not delusional enough to actually believe that's JF, but it sure looks like him, don't it? This was supposed to be a little PWP, but it grew plot when the boys decided that they didn't want to make it that easy on me.

Getting all the new scientists settled was time consuming, and led to at least half a dozen emergencies that wouldn't have arisen if they hadn't gone poking where they didn't belong. Rodney had argued that they should be locked into their quarters until he had time to personally teach them enough that they wouldn't accidentally arm an explosive or release a nanovirus or something else equally as dangerous, but Elizabeth had overruled him, and that meant days of cleaning up their messes.

Finally, though, the newbies were settled enough that Rodney felt justified in taking a bit of downtime for himself. He headed back to his room and his personal laptop. There was a brisk black market trade in porn, and he'd downloaded enough while home to be able to really earn some points. Now just to watch it and categorize it for easy trading.

The first several pieces were pretty boring - good looking girls cooing, "Oh, give it to me harder, big boy." Equally pretty boys taking on all comers, literally. Rodney watched just enough to get a feel for the piece, skipping around to make sure that none of them contained any unforeseen surprises, like the one that turned out to be a double penetration video, with a handful of gorgeous boys on the side of a pool.

That had him more than half hard as he uploaded it to the appropriate place on the server, and clicked on the small video labeled only with a 001.wmv. He could feel his jaw dropping as the camera focused in on someone that could have been John Sheppard.

John Sheppard giving a blowjob.

Holy shit.

Then he turned slightly, and Rodney nearly swallowed his tongue. That was Sheppard - it had to be. Rodney glanced at the man getting blown and instantly dismissed him. Focussing back in on Sheppard, he watched carefully. Sheppard seemed happy, on his knees, sucking cock like it was going out of style.

Rodney's half hard dick sprung to a full erection so fast that he nearly got dizzy. Like just about everyone else in Atlantis, he'd fantasized about Sheppard, but that's all it had been. Now he was staring at his fantasy come to life and he wasn't sure if he liked it.

Well, he would have liked it better if that had been him getting blown, that was for sure.

The video ended, and Rodney sat there for a long moment. Then he moved the file to a different folder on his drive, and triple encrypted it. This was not something he wanted to get loose in Atlantis. If the wrong people got ahold of it, it could destroy Sheppard's career, and that was the last thing he wanted.

Shutting down the laptop, he sat and stared into space. He wasn't sure what, if anything, he should do with this information. For now, then, he'd do nothing at all.

***

Rodney didn't sleep well, tossing and turning to increasingly disturbed dreams. He was startled awake the next morning by the sound of knocking on the door. Dragging himself up, he called out, "Yes, yes, come in?"

The door opened to show Sheppard, dressed in sweats and obviously just back from a run. "Hey, I'm sorry. Didn't think you'd still be in bed. Wanted to see if you wanted to grab some breakfast."

Sheppard looked at him curiously, and Rodney realized that he hadn't answered him yet and that Sheppard was waiting for an answer. "Um, yeah. Give me a moment to get dressed, and I'll go with you."

He'd meant for Sheppard to wait outside the door, but he seemed to take this as an invitation, and stepped into the room, waiving the door shut behind him. Rodney took his courage in both hands and got up, thankful that he hadn't fallen asleep naked. Grabbing a clean uniform, he moved to the bathroom, where he took care of necessities and got dressed.

Going back into the room, he found Sheppard looking curiously at the diplomas he had hanging at the wall. Rodney was ready to get defensive, but Sheppard didn't say anything but "Ready?" and even as the air went out of his sails, he followed along in his wake, headed to the mess hall.

Sheppard was thankfully quiet, letting Rodney gather his thoughts. It was more difficult than usual, as every time he caught sight of Sheppard's profile, he imagined him on his knees, sucking on a dick.

As they collected their trays and moved to a table, Rodney decided that he couldn't do this. "I'm sorry - I need to be in the lab this morning. I forgot, um, something." And he fled.

***

Other than briefings, Rodney managed to avoid Sheppard entirely for the next few days. He ignored the strange looks that Zelenka shot his way as he fled out the other door to the lab when Sheppard reported for what he referred to as "lightswitch duty," but he just couldn't handle it.

His dreams had remained uneasy, with increasingly graphic images. He'd tried viewing other porn, he'd tried jerking off till he'd passed out, he'd tried losing himself in his work, but none of it worked.

He was irritable and distracted, so when the knock came at his door, he barely heard it. It was only when the door hissed open that he noticed. "What?"

It was Carson. "Rodney. Are you okay?"

"What? Yes, of course I'm fine. I'm just trying to get some work done without the idiot brigade interrupting me."

Carson came closer, looking over his shoulder at the game of minesweeper on the screen. "Work?"

Rodney hastily minimized the game. "All right. I'm taking a little break, but I'm fine. Why wouldn't I be?"

"You're avoiding Colonel Sheppard. Everyone has noticed, even those who don't work with him. I'm only here because the choice was him or me."

Well, shit. "I'm not avoiding him. I've just been busy integrating the new people into my staff."

"You need to fix this, Rodney. Or John's going to have to replace you on his team, and I know neither of you want that." Carson was looking intensely at him, and Rodney realized that he was serious.

"I'll fix it. I will, Carson. Don't worry about it." Carson continued to stare, and Rodney dropped his head. "I will, I promise."

"Okay. I'll let you get back to your game," and Carson left. Rodney dropped his head into his hands and stayed there for a long, long time.

***

The next day, Rodney sought out Sheppard, but couldn't find him anywhere. He wasn't in his office, the gym, the armory. It was like he'd disappeared off Atlantis entirely, and he didn't want to use the radio to locate him. If the situation was bad enough that Carson had come to see him, then far too many people were aware of what was going on, and there was no desire to let even more people in on it.

He was checking in the jumper bay when the skylight opened, letting in one of the craft. Rodney moved off to the side, only incidentally out of the line of sight of those in the jumper. When it landed, he watched as Parrish, Teyla and Sheppard disembarked, laughing and talking.

Rodney stepped forward, showing himself briefly, and Sheppard said something quietly to Teyla, who responded equally quietly and then herded Parrish out of the room. Sheppard waited until they were gone, and then approached Rodney with the quiet grace one would use to go to a wounded animal.

"Colonel."

"Rodney." Sheppard's face was curious. "Is everything all right?"

But Rodney's brain was frozen, unable to come up with a single thing to say. Instead, he turned and walked off, only vaguely aware that Sheppard was following him.

When they got to his room, he headed right for the laptop. Two passwords later, he had the clip up on the screen. Pressing play, he turned it so the screen was facing Sheppard and waited for a reaction.

Sheppard made no effort to take the laptop, watching the short clip with an impassive look on his face. No emotion showed at all, leaving Rodney to wonder if he'd been mistaken in thinking that he'd been wrong - that that hadn't been Sheppard after all.

But as the short clip finished, there was a flicker of something in Sheppard's eyes, something that almost looked like fear.

It was gone when Sheppard finally looked Rodney in the face. "What are you going to do with that?"

"I - I don't really know. I hadn't decided anything yet."

Now there was something on Sheppard's face - barely concealed anger. "So, what is this? A blackmail attempt?"

Rodney was aghast. "Oh, no, Colonel. I wasn't trying to blackmail you. It's just - it was a surprise to see, well, you. It is you, right? I'm not imagining things?"

For a moment, Sheppard looked like he was going to deny it, but then he sat suddenly and rubbed one hand over his face. "I was young and stupid. It was just supposed to be for us - not be released on the 'net. I assume that's where you got it?"

Nodding numbly, Rodney tried to compute this. All the scenarios he'd constructed - where Sheppard had been coerced into this, or where he'd needed the money really badly - went poof. Us, he'd said. That meant that he'd wanted it, had been a willing participant.

Suddenly, Rodney can't stand it anymore. He'd wanted Sheppard since he'd first seen him, he'd been haunted by dreams ever since he saw this, and now. Now, maybe, he could do something about them. Finding his courage, he bent down and kissed Sheppard.

Sheppard returned the kiss for a moment, then broke it off, coming to his feet in a hurry. "I - I can't, Rodney. Don't ask me to do this." And without another word, he fled.

***

Rodney was no longer attempting to avoid Sheppard - he didn't have to. Sheppard was doing it just fine on his own. So much so, that Rodney almost missed the briefing for their next planet when Sheppard didn't remind him of it. It was Teyla that called him and asked if he'd be attending, and he hastily shut down the project he was working on and headed to the meeting room.

Sheppard's face was shuttered as Teyla talked about the mysterious Palorians. They rarely traded on their own planet, preferring to go to the various trade markets, but they had access to naquada in large amounts, and while it wasn't a ZPM, it was still necessary for adequate functioning of their generators, and would be one less thing that the Daedelus would have to bring them. It was worth a try, at any rate.

Teyla couldn't tell them much about their culture, as she'd rarely interacted with them, but she didn't tell them anything that would call an end to the mission, either, so off they went.

From the get go, the mission was an unqualified disaster. Finding the Palorians was almost impossible as their world was heavily forested and there were minimal tracks leading away from the 'gate. Without Ronon, they would never have found it.

Then, once they found the Palorians, no one was willing to talk to them. At all. Even when Rodney stepped up right into one woman's personal space and started to ask about the naquada, she simply detoured around him and kept walking.

But that paled in comparison when some of them started shooting at the team.

"I thought you said that they didn't like to fight!" Rodney babbled at Teyla as they ran. She shook her head and kept running, taking Rodney's arm as he slipped on a root and started to fall.

"Perhaps, Doctor McKay, we should worry about running right now and save talking for when we get back to Atlantis?"

"Right. Right, you're right. Running, not talking."

Ronon grabbed Rodney by the other arm as it flailed, and gave him a gentle shove. "Keep moving, McKay."

Sheppard had their six, and normally Rodney would trust him to be okay back there, but a soft thump caught his attention, and he turned to look. Sheppard was down, and before Rodney could stop to think, he'd started to go back.

Teyla didn't let go, dragging him forward, simply saying, "Ronon."

"I've got him." And Ronon did, turning to go back.

"Wait - wait! He could be badly injured. Shouldn't we wait to see?"

"Ronon will take care of him - we need to get back to the 'gate before someone else gets hit."

"Right." And then they were running again, but Rodney couldn't avoid looking back over his shoulder at the way Ronon was half carrying Sheppard, who was on his feet again but just barely.

They reached the DHD, which Rodney literally stumbled into, and as Ronon dragged Sheppard into the clearing, Rodney dialed and sent back his code. "The shield is down and you're cleared for entry," Chuck said.

"Oh, thank god," Rodney said and waited impatiently as Ronon led the way through the 'gate.

***

Rodney waited with Ronon, Teyla and Elizabeth for news about Sheppard's condition. It had been at least an hour, and Rodney was ready to storm in and demand to know what kind of hocus pocus Carson was doing to Sheppard, when he finally came out.

"It looks like he managed to run into a low hung tree branch, and gave himself a hell of a concussion, but he'll be okay."

Ronon chuckled, and Teyla smiled. All Rodney could think was thank god, he's going to be okay, maybe I'll finally get a chance. He hung back as everyone else headed in to check in with Sheppard, which earned him a curious look from Carson.

"Thought I'd let the crowd thin out a little," Rodney said, and Carson smiled and nodded, heading back into the exam room. A few moments later, the rest of the team left, and Rodney took a deep breath before heading in.

Carson looked up and smiled as Rodney slipped behind the curtain. "Ah, Rodney, there you are."

Sheppard turned his head and grimaced in obvious pain. "Rodney."

"Colonel." Turning back to Carson, Rodney said, "Do you think we could have a few minutes, Carson? I promise not to sneak him out of here."

Looking surprised, Carson said, "Of course, Rodney," and stepped out, leaving the two of them alone for the first time in far too long.

"Rodney - "

"Don't, Colonel. We have to stop this and actually talk. I'm sorry I ever found that clip, but I can't undo it. What do I have to do to get us back on an even keel?"

Sheppard did him the courtesy of actually thinking about it. After what seemed like eternity, Sheppard asked, "Why did you kiss me? Was it just because of the video?"

"No." And it really hadn't been. Rodney was honest enough with himself to admit that the video had made it easier, though. "I'd wanted to do that for a long time."

Sheppard looked puzzled, like he couldn't accept that at face value. Rodney wasn't sure what he could do to convince him of it, especially since they were still in the infirmary and anyone could walk in on them. "I'll tell you what, Colonel. Come to my room when you're discharged and we'll discuss this further."

Still looking confused, Sheppard nodded. Satisfied for the short term, Rodney slipped out the door, leaving Sheppard lying in the bed.

***

Rodney had tried to work while he waited, and failing that, had tried to sleep, but no joy there either. Instead, he spent hours playing mindless games of mindsweeper and solitaire on his laptop, resisting the urge to go and watch that video over and over again.

So when there was a knock on his door the next morning, he was awake, though groggy and jittery from the amount of caffeine he'd consumed. "Come in," he called, wondering if it was Zelenka or one of the other scientists, because there was no way that Sheppard had been discharged already.

But it was Sheppard, looking disheveled and with a hell of a bruise on his forehead. He also looked like he wanted to be anywhere but in Rodney's room, getting ready to have this conversation. "Colonel. Has Carson discharged you already?"

Sheppard stepped into the room, holding up his hands in front of him. "Don't call out the cops - I was sent to rest, fair and square, but I figured you probably weren't sleeping any better than I was so I came to settle this already."

"Okay - mmph!" Whatever clever thing Rodney had been about to say - and he was sure it was clever, even if he couldn't remember what it was right at the moment - was knocked clear out of his head by Sheppard diving in for a kiss. Even startled, Rodney couldn't resist the desire that flooded his system, and he opened his mouth for Sheppard's tongue to slide in and tease his.

When Sheppard broke away, Rodney tried to chase after his mouth with his own. But he'd backed up, putting space between them, and Rodney wasn't willing to try and brave it. "Well, that didn't work," Sheppard said.

"What didn't work?" Rodney asked, confused.

"That was supposed to prove that it wasn't me you really wanted - just the video of me." Sheppard looked disgruntled, like he'd actually expected his plan to work.

Rodney laughed. He couldn't help it. "So you thought kissing me would prove that? Some days I wonder how you got your pilot's license, Colonel, since you obviously don't have the brains for it."

"Hey!"

"Okay, you're not stupid. But you have to admit that was a phenomenally bad plan. You might have argued half a dozen different things, but instead you kissed me, and right now, all I can think is how I can get your lips back on mine."

Sheppard smiled. "You really mean that, don't you?"

"I really mean it. Now, can we get back to the kissing part?"

This time, it was Rodney who braved the space separating them, and pulled Sheppard close, letting his mouth trace a path from his ear to his lips, which were already parted and waiting for him. He tasted like coffee, and that nasty ass green jello that Carson seemed to relish giving the patients in the infirmary.

Rodney's knees were weak, barely capable of holding him up any longer, and he let them drop, kneeling in front of Sheppard. Reaching up with shaking hands, he said, "Colonel? Can I?"

Sheppard's hand cradled Rodney's face, firmly turning it so that he could stare into Rodney's eyes. After some immeasurable time, he said, "Yes, but only if you call me John."

"Oh, god, John..." Unbuttoning John's pants seemed to take forever, but when he managed to tug them down a little, John's cock was right there. Rodney didn't take time for subtlety or craft, simply sucked in as much as he could, wrapping his hand around the base to jerk what he couldn't suck.

"Fuck, Rodney," John's voice sounded more than a little strained, and when Rodney wrapped his free hand around John's ass and ran a caressing finger down between his cheeks, he whimpered. "Oh, god, yes."

Rodney rejoiced in the heavy weight of John's cock on his tongue, the way that his jaw stretched and popped to bear the thickness of it. He tried to slow it down, take his time so that he would feel this later, but John's hand on his face urged him faster, urged him to take more.

Hollowing his cheeks, he sucked harder, wanting to taste it. John had gone quiet above him, the only sound his rough breathing. The only warning that Rodney got was a miniscule tightening of John's hand on his face, and then John was coming, still silently.

He swallowed as much of it as he could, even has his hands sought John's hips to keep him on his feet. Letting go of John's softening cock with a pop, he looked up, halfway afraid of what he'd see.

John was slack jawed with pleasure, breathing hard. Even as Rodney drunk in the look on his face, he glanced down. "Damn, Rodney. That was... Do you have to be good at everything?"

Rodney flushed. "I've thought about it for a long time."

Using the hand on Rodney's face, John pulled him to his feet, kissing him hard. "It's your turn." And Rodney would have said that he was willing to wait, that he didn't expect anything from John, except that his cock chose that moment to thrum painfully, and all Rodney could do was nod frantically.

Laughing, John kissed him again, guiding him backwards till Rodney ran into the bed. Falling backwards, he was rewarded by John, sprawled overtop of him. He couldn't help the thrust up of his hips, or the hopeful look he gave John. "Please? I'm dying here."

"Don't worry, Rodney, I've got you." John's hands were busy between them, undoing his pants and sliding them down and away. John's pants were still shoved down, and his t shirt had ridden up, and Rodney gasped at the feel of skin on skin.

He didn't have long to enjoy it, though, because John was sliding down, down, down, and then his tongue, wide and so very wet dragged a path up the side of Rodney's cock. Words deserted him, leaving him whining for more, and he fisted his hands in the bedding to keep from pulling John's hair.

John looked up and grinned. "I'm a bit out of practice. Let's see if I can remember how to do this." Rather than licking Rodney's cock again, though, he was sucking on his own finger, and Rodney had never wanted to be a body part so much in his life. Thankfully, John didn't make him wait, instead dragging that wet finger down over his balls and back to his ass, and as it slid inside him, John's mouth dropped down on his cock.

Rodney whimpered, his hips rocking up and then back as he tried to deepen the contact. John seemed determined to drag it out, though, and his free hand locked on Rodney's hip, holding him still. "Please, please, don't tease."

"I'm not teasing, Rodney. I'll get you there," and then that soft tongue was back on his cock, and Rodney forced his body to relax, to just let John do what he wanted. What he wanted, apparently, was to slide another finger into him as he took Rodney deep.

"Oh, holy fuck." Rodney felt like the top of his head was going to blow off, and then John added in something twisty and incredibly good with his tongue, and he couldn't stand it anymore, coming with a shout.

John's fingers slid out of him as he slid up Rodney's body, curling over him and kissing him deeply. Rodney blinked up at him groggily, as lack of sleep and an excellent orgasm caught up with him. But there was something important he had to say first. "If I fall asleep, are you still going to be here when I wake up?"

"Do you want me to be?"

"Yes. I do." Rodney didn't care that that made him sound like a fourteen year old girl. He wanted John near him.

"Then I'll be here."

And he was.