December 10th

This story takes place in the future.

Let's begin by bringing you up to speed. Time period is Dec of 2005.

Life had settled down for our special family. Lindsey and Melanie were happy with the two kids, Gus and Jenny. Michael and Brian being the kind of dads that everyone thought each would be. Debbie had finally found a very special man to be with. Somehow he managed to survive all the traumas that had found our group. Ted and Blake had worked out their relationship and had move to a new place where they could start over. Emmett had finally met his special man. They met when Danny applied for a job at Emmett's Catering Business. Now that the two of them were running it, it was 'the one' in town. Daphne had found a job she really liked and was almost done with school. Ben and Michael were still together and they were caring for Hunter, having worked out the legal issues. Brian and Justin were living together. Brian had opened his own Ad agency, which was growing at the speed you would expect from Brian. Having Justin to help with the artwork only added to the growth. Vance got what he had wanted and moved back to New York. Cynthia joined Brian's company instead of going to New York. And you guessed it. Daphne was working for Brian too. Stockwell ended up leaving town having been pressured into resigning as Chief of Police. Life for the group was sort of a fairytale, as much as they could handle anyway.

Justin and Brian were sitting in their booth watching the door for Michael and Ben. They were late yet again. The store was doing so well that it was hard for Michael to leave at times. They had agreed to meet today, Saturday December 10th, for a Christmas shopping trip. They had planned to leave early for the mall. First the four of them would look together for the rest of the family's gifts. Then they would split up after lunch and meet back at the diner for dinner. Ben and Michael finally walked in the diner, twenty minutes late but at least the four men could leave for the mall now.

Lunchtime found the four men stopping at the food court in the mall. They talked about where they would be going next as they ate.

Brian jump in with "Michael and I get the downtown area. You two have to stay at the mall."

They were lucky, as they had found two parking spots together. The four men headed out to the cars. They stowed the bags then kissed their partners bye. Brian and Michael climbed into Brian's car while Justin and Ben headed back into the mall.

It was almost five pm when Ben's cell went off. Justin figured it would be Michael calling to say they were done. He watched as Ben's face had lost all color as he stood listening. Ben slowly closed the phone putting it back on his belt.

"Ben, what's the matter?"

Instead of an answer he reached out and took Justin's hand and pulled him along. They reached Ben's car and climbed in. He turned the key and headed out of the parking lot.

"Ben, please tell me what has happen!" Justin's voice was a mixture of anger and concern.

Ben drove on in silence to the destination; one he didn't want to face.

Justin felt the panic start as he realized the direction they were headed. "Ben, please just tell me what has happened."

Yet, Ben said nothing, driving as fast as he possibly could. As they stopped at the emergency room entrance Ben ran from the parked car taking the lead as he raced into the desk. Justin followed not allowing the growing panic to take shape.

"We're here to see Michael Novotny and Brian Kinney" Ben was using every once of control that he had left to say those words.

The nurse standing behind the clerk recognized the two men from the pictures in the wallets. She had been the one to make the calls. This was the part she hated about being an emergency room nurse, calling the families, especially in cases like this. The nurse's eyes told Justin everything as she said "Shelly, please take them to room 17."

One of the rescuers was standing back by the coffee pot, "Was that some of the family? I'm amazed that any of them made it here alive. Those two cars were pinned between two semi trucks. It appears that one of the trucks blew a tire and the driver lost control; snow, ice, speed and too many people."

"The older couple didn't make it. They only lasted a few minutes once in the room. They're here for the younger men. I think they're gay and from the pictures, those are their partners. It's times like this that I hate my job." The nurse quietly added and the rescuer nodded in agreement.

The door slowly opened showing four beds. Two of the beds had all kinds of activity going on around them. But two had no action around them just the blood, covered bodies and shut-off machines. Justin froze at the sight. Two nurses had left the fury of activity and came over to the two men.

"Who is Justin? And who is Ben?" Justin took a step toward the sound of his name and looked at her.

The nurse took his hand and led him to the bed with activity on the right then Justin took a breath. The people moved out of the way as she led him to the bedside. Justin looked down and knew they would get only a moment together. But he smiled the biggest smile he could for Brian.

Brian had been fighting for this last moment with Justin. It had taken everything he had and more. Just to get a change to finally say it. "I've loved you from the lamp post until forever" The words were barely a whisper as Brian pulled in his last breath.

Justin leaned over, grabbed the bed's edge as he kissed Brian goodbye! Justin held on to the bed, wishing he could climb up next to Brian and find it was nothing more then a nightmare. Finally the nurse pulled him away.

She led him to a chair where he watched his friends in their own nightmare. Justin sat frozen in place, his mind screaming "this can't be happening" over and over.

Ben was guided towards the second bed of activity. But he had to stand back as they were still fighting to save Michael. When finally they felt Michael was stable enough for the two men to talk, they let Ben go to him. Ben took Michael's hand leaning down he kiss him lightly on the lips. Ben saw the smile in his eyes at knowing his lover was here now.

Ben looking deep in his eyes "Michael, I love you, please don't try to talk. I need you to fight. Hunter and I need you here with us. I love you."

Michael lips were moving as Ben said what he thought he saw "Love you Ben, Hunter, Jenny, Mom. Brian gone?! He tried to save me." The noises from the machines had started to change. "Ben, please no more, it's time to let go. So peaceful, I love you."

Ben cried out "Michael, please stay." He leaned in to kiss him once more.

Ben felt the 'kiss' then the 'bye' on his lips as Michael left him. Ben felt the hand on his arm as Justin pulled him from Michael. The men were led from the room to one next door. They hadn't realized how long they had been there until the door to the room was opened. The room held the family as they waited for news of Michael and Brian. As the men walked though the door everyone knew from the look on Justin's and Ben's face that they were gone. Debbie screamed and collapsed into her boyfriend's arms. Melanie pulled Lindsey into her arms, sitting down into the chairs. Emmett and Danny pulled Hunter and Ben into a big hug holding the sobbing men up. Daphne held Justin while they sunk to the floor, Justin turned into to a lifeless sobbing body. The family was left to grieve in peace.

Jennifer and Melanie helped the men with all the arrangements that had to be handled. Brian had made sure that Justin would be cared for; the loft, the business, life insurance and everything else had all been left to him except for the one policy for Gus. Michael had left everything to Ben except for the one policy for Jenny.

Liberty Avenue mourned the lost of the Stud of Liberty Avenue and his best friend realizing that they had also lost Rage and Zephyr too. The day of the services found the church full. Debbie had begged, pleaded and finally used guilt to get Justin to allow Brian's urn to be placed next to Michael's coffin during the service. Debbie did after all consider Brian to be her son also. Debbie had insisted on Justin sitting in between her and Ben. It wasn't until just before the service started that he caught on to the reason. Justin watched as Brian's mother, sister and nephews sat in the front row on the other side. He would've thrown them out but he was trapped. Debbie had his arm pinned behind her and Ben held his other one in a vise grip.

Debbie whispered, "They loved him in their own way."

Ben added, "Let them say their goodbyes."

Jennifer, sitting on the bench behind them, scooted forward "Brian was her son even if she never showed him the loved he deserved."

Justin sagged back in the seat and silently told Brian he was sorry for falling into their trap.

Daphne and Emmett reached forward and touched Justin to let him know they were there for him.

After the services the limo drop them off at Debbie's home, Justin climbed from it and carried Brian's urn to his car. He sat it gently down on the seat, wrapped the blanket around it to protect it. All Justin wanted to do at the moment was to climb in the car and drive away instead he headed into the house. Justin wondered around until he felt all were lost in their own little world then he slipped out the door. No one realized for a long time that he had left except for the watchful eyes of Debbie.

Justin drove away from the family for now was his and Brian's time. He pulled the map out and followed the instruction. He had been to this place only twice before. It was Brian's private spot and Justin was the only person Brian had ever shown it to. Justin was following the instruction left to him and him alone. He walked to the spot carrying the urn and a small backpack. Breaking the seal and opening it he poured the ashes out. He watched as the wind carried Brian out over the water. Brian would now be free to roam the world. Justin sat down, filled the urn with the sand from the bag in the backpack then sealed the urn back together per Brian's instructions. He returned to the loft and placed the urn on the table in the back corner.

Justin stepped into their bedroom, alone for the first time since Brian's death. Someone in the family had been with him since the accident, but tonight no one was here. Justin changed into party clothes, smoked a joint then left to go to Babylon and the backroom.

Justin turned to tricks and drugs, as Brian would have. Daphne was the first to notice that Justin seemed to be exhausted and hung over most mornings at best, some mornings he was still coming down from whatever drug taken the night before. Soon everyone was noticing it. Emmett and Danny found Justin in the backroom at Babylon several times and tried to get him to leave with them. The last time they had just grabbed him and carried him out. Since then they hadn't found him back there again, but he still showed signs of partying. They guys started checking out all the bars and clubs but every time Justin saw one of them it was the last time he would go to that place. Most of the family had at one point tried to reach Justin by talking but he had become as good as Brian had been at shutting them out.

The day Justin came in with bruises and could hardly walk was the last straw. Daphne was so desperate she finally called Ben for help. She explained all that had been going on, fighting her tears as she told Ben what he looked like that morning. Crying to Ben that Justin had told her, "It's none of your fucking business. Get the fuck out of my office before I fire you." Before Ben hung up with her he promised he would find a way to help Justin.

Ben had been so wrapped up in his own grief that he had missed Justin behavior. Ben stepped in pulling Justin out of it when he knew no one else could reach him. Ben followed Justin to an out of the way bar one night. He sat down next to the already high yet still reachable Justin. Ben started downing shot after shot until Justin's reached out and stopped him.

"Ben, what the fuck do you think your doing?"

Ben reached for the drink. "I'm managing my pain like you, that's what the fuck I'm doing"

Justin had slipped his hand over the drink. "You can't do this only Brian and I can! It's our way, not Michael's way."

"Well, I don't want to go to the grief meetings alone and there's no one to go with me so I figured I would join you here!" with that Ben lifted Justin's hand off the drink and down it.

"Ben, get up, I'm taking you home now." And Justin stood, barely able to walk himself.

Emmett and Danny were waiting outside and as Ben and Justin wove their way out the door they were led to the cars. Emmett drove Justin's car to the loft taking him home while Danny took Ben to the apartment. Danny would pick up Emmett at the loft after each had seen their charges to bed.

The next day Justin called Ben. "I'm taking you to the grief group meeting tonight! Be ready at six. I'll pick you up."

Time seemed to slow down to a snails pace for the two men at night but during the day it flew by. The nights that they went to the grief group meeting weren't too bad as they always had plenty to think about. Each week the grief counselor would suggest one thing to do as a way of working though the misery. Justin would encourage Ben to follow though on the suggestions, but rarely applied them to his own life. A few weeks into the meetings the counselor suggested cleaning out your partner's/spouse's things. He had also suggested donating any unneeded items to their favorite charity.

The next Saturday, Ben, Hunter and Justin began going though the apartment. Ben had thought during the week just how he wanted to handle the process. He planned it all out. One night after work he had stopped on the way home and had gotten the supplies. Saturday morning he was up early, setting things up for the day. A trunk for Jenny's things and two crates, one for Hunter and one for himself, and boxes for everything else. Including some boxes marked to go to the store. Ben had already taken the things to Debbie that Michael had wanted her to have and the things for Brian had gone to Justin. By the time Hunter and Justin joined in the packing, Ben had most of the clothes done.

Justin step into the bedroom to find a pile on the bed of the comic t-shirts that Michael had collected over the years. "Ben, what's this?"

"I can't Justin, I just can't"

"How about Hunter and I do these? Maybe you could pick out a couple really special ones for Jenny? And one for Gus?

Ben was sitting next to Justin on the bed as they talked. Justin was rubbing his back in support. Ben stared at the floor finally nodding his head in agreement. He turned around to face the pile and pulled out a few. He sat five aside for Jenny, two for Gus and two he sat in his crate on his way out of the apartment. He just couldn't watch the rest be put in the boxes. Hunter pulled two out that he wanted. He dropped them in his crate on the way out and sat next to Ben as Justin packed the rest of the t-shirts in the charities boxes. Justin slipped one shirt in his bag, no one would ever know. He continued to pull all the comic stuff from the bedroom sitting it in the living room. By the time Justin had finished, Ben and Hunter were walking back in.

The kitchen and living room were next. Ben pulled the comic glasses and dishes down, packing them for Jenny while Justin gathered the comics and books about comics. They were piled on the kitchen table where they were separated into piles. Most were going back to the store but a few ended in the trunk, crates or in the bag for Gus. Hunter placed all the odds and ends on the coffee table, keeping a couple of things for himself. Hunter moved his crate into his room. He had to be at work by noon so just before leaving he helped load Justin's car with the full boxes.

All that was left to sort though now sat on the coffee table. Ben and Justin sat down on the couch. Ben had gone thought almost all of it when he jumped up and dashed into the bedroom, the door shut behind him.

Justin walked over and gently knocked, from inside came the sobbing voice. "I can't do anymore! You do it for me, Please Justin."

"Ok, I'll put the rest in your crate and you can do it later. Give me fifteen minutes then come out." Justin packed the rest in the crate and pushed it next to the bedroom door. He closed the trunk and pushed it over next to the front door then placed Gus' bag on top. Finally, he took the rest of the boxes to his car.

When Ben came out his eyes were red but he had pulled himself somewhat together. Justin suggested they deliver the boxes to the appropriate places then go to lunch. The rest of the day Justin kept Ben busy.

That night, Ben was up wondering first around the now half empty bedroom then out to the living room looking for his missing half. Finally pulling the crate into their, no, his room. Opening it, he pulled out a few things then at last closing it and placing it in the bottom of his closet. Ben crawled into his bed after the last few things were placed in Jenny's trunk. He was exhausted but sleep was slow in coming.

After Justin had dropped Ben off, he went to the loft. He wasn't worried about Ben because Hunter would be there. His thoughts turn to Brian's belongings still at the loft, "No, I'm waiting. It will be easier later, once I'm use to Brian being gone." Tonight he pulled out one of the sleeping pills and down it. The next day found him checking on Ben, Daphne, the kids, his mom and Molly. He ran errands, doing anything and everything to keep busy, fighting to keep thoughts of Brian out of his mind.

Justin had taken over the ad agency not being able to bring himself to sell it. Cynthia had stepped into the top exec position having worked with Brian so long. She knew so much more than Justin had realized. She and Ben helped to bring in fresh young talent from the local colleges. Justin had the art area covered. And Daphne, with Cynthia's guidance, was handling the paperwork. The business picked back up after a small backslide when news of Brian's death came out. The business kept Justin busy during the day.

The nights in between the workdays would crawl by. Justin would toss and turn dreaming of Brian holding him only to wake up in an empty bed. Then he would lie there and relive the last day of Brian's life or the day of the service. He could picture Brian standing in front of him saying how disappointed he was. Some nights he would just lie awake trying to figure how he could have prevented it all. If only they had all stayed at the mall or gone in the car together. The loft on these nights would totally close in on him, driving him to the backroom of Babylon for an empty moment of release.

Ben continued to teach and kept the store going. At first Hunter helping Ben with it, but then Ben found some of the kids that hung out at store were willing to work there. They were doing a good job and loved it like Michael had, so Ben made a deal with them to sell the store on a monthly payment plan. Melanie helped with the legal issues and documents. It would take the group five years to complete the deal but at least it was in loving hands.

Running the store had helped Ben sleep as he would fall into bed exhausted. The insomnia problem started after the kids took the store over completely. He found himself up writing or sitting on the couch staring at the TV or a book on many nights. Nightmares would wake him on nights that he did manage to find sleep and when that happened he would prowl the apartment afraid to try sleeping again. He finally gave in and got some sleeping pills for work nights, only using them on rare occasions when exhaustion was affecting his class work.

Ben woke up one morning to realize Hunter was graduating. It had been almost six months since he had lost Michael. Ben was so proud of Hunter. His son had worked so hard since returning to high school. Hunter even managed to get a scholarship from a college in Maine. Ben dreaded the fact that his son would be so far away, but it was time to let Hunter find his path in life. Hunter left for college the end of July, driving there with a friend. It would be a road trip they would never forget. Ben gave his son some money, a cell phone and a first-aid kit, making Hunter promise to call at least once a week or if in trouble. And with that Ben was living alone once more. All alone!

Justin realized how hard it would be for Ben now, so he increased the amount of time they spent together. What had started as one night a week with the grief group back in January had grown by at least two or more nights of just hanging out. And by August, Ben would use Justin as a sounding board as he worked on his lectures for his classes or his book. Justin would use the talks for ideas to draw, bringing to life things that Ben said. They would spend most evenings at either the loft or Ben's apartment. Sometimes they went out to Woody's or Babylon. By November the family had started to notice that except during work if you saw one the other was usually close by. As the time moved from fall to winter, the two men found that they really enjoyed each other. They never thought of taking it to the next level they were just friends bound together by their grief.

November was the start of the change. They talked of Brian and Michael as the days drew closer to December. Before they realized it, it was Thanksgiving. That meant just eighteen days until the first anniversary of their deaths.

For Thanksgiving the family all got together at Debbie's. The family laughed and cried as they talked remembering the past holidays. Many new memories were made that day as they watched the two kids play. Hunter even came home for the holiday dragging a girlfriend with him. The family watched as the two young kids struggled with the new relationship, knowing by the end of the day they would each meet the other's family.

Everyone at sometime during the day felt the loss of the two special men. Ben and Justin felt it the most. They struggled to smile and play at being happy for everyone else, especially the kids. The family said nothing as the two slipped out the door without saying goodbye after eating. All knew that they would need time alone to grieve. A silent Justin dropped Ben off. Justin started to head home alone but instead headed for Brian's special place.

Justin walked to the place where he had scattered Brian's ashes. He stood looking out over the water and cried out in silence for his lover.

Justin felt the arms slide around him as he leaned back into 'Brian.' The quiet voice in his ears said, "Justin, its time to let me go. It's time for you to open your heart once more, to open your eyes and look for a new lover. You need to let me go to my rest so that I can watch over you and the family."

Justin cried silently "No, I need you."

Justin still felt 'Brian's arms' "It hurts me to see you like this. Please let go, Justin, a very good man needs your love as much as I did. And you need him even more. Please Sunshine, let me go." Justin eyes closed as the arms slipped from him. The kiss felt of all the passion then "Bye my love. Live happy once more for me" as Justin watched Brian fad away over the water.

At home that night Justin crawled in to his bed and cried once more for his great lost.

That same night Ben walked into the apartment he had shared with his lover. He sat on the couch and tried to cry but nothing came. Ben knew no one would be coming in the door. Hunter was going to spend the night at his girlfriend's parent's house. As much as Ben yearned for it, the cry of release wouldn't come. Finally Ben stood and walked into the bedroom, as he looked over the room everything that had been Michael's was missing except for one photo. Turning and looking back out at the living room it also had been stripped of all things Michael. He no longer saw the piles of comics on and under the coffee table. No Rage, no Zephyr, no Captain Astro only dull Ben things. A shower was what Ben decided he needed. As the hot water ran over his body relaxing him, it wasn't long before the tears finally started. Ben stepped from the shower wrapping the large towel around himself. He picked up the photo on his way to the couch. He sat the photo on the coffee table and let the tears grow until he was sobbing.

'Michael' pushed Ben back on the couch the way he had so many times before. Ben turned letting 'Michael' lay on him. "I love you and I know you love me but our time has past. Ben, I know you think you've let go but not all the way. Your heart is still closed to new possibilities. There is a man in your life that needs you. He needs your strength and understanding. He needs your gentle heart to tame the ragging lost he feels. Please open your heart to him. He will be as good a lover as he is a friend but needs your help." 'Michael' kissed Ben one last time "It's time to leave the picture in the living room, now go to bed."

Ben stood and walked to the bed that he had share with Michael falling across it he cried.

Ben awoke the next morning realizing that he had made a decision. It was time to move to a different apartment like everyone had been telling him. Today he would start looking. But first it was breakfast and then the gym. He grabbed his gym bag and headed out the door.

Justin was walking into the locker room and Ben, who was changing, called out to him. They changed and joined Emmett and Danny at the weights. The group all ended up at the diner after working out.

Emmett was filling them in on the plans for a building he had just bought down the street from the diner. It was an older building with a storefront window and three floors. They would be remodeling the first and second floors for the business. The top floor was already a really nice loft.

"Danny and I are moving in next weekend. We have movers for most of it but would you two help us?"

Justin was the first to answer "Is it going to be the same company that Ted used? I heard from Brian that they were inspiring to watch."

"Of course, it'll be the same company. Who else would one use?"

Ben added, "I'll be there, I remember what Michael said when he came home that day."

Justin dropped his eyes, "I got to go. Emmett, call me and let me know what time you need me to be there."

As Justin slipped out of the booth Ben added "See you later guys. Justin, wait for me."

Justin handed the money and bill to Debbie and just kept heading on out the door. Ben rushed by handing his to her also.

"Justin, please wait." Ben called again as he exited the diner.

Justin stopped.

As Ben reached him they stepped back against the building, "What's the matter Justin?"

"I'm going away for a few weeks. I just can't face being here on the anniversary. You want to join me? I'm not even sure where to go, just away. I'm leaving around December fifth and not coming back until the fifteenth or so."

Ben thought for a moment, "That sounds great but I'm not sure I can arrange it. Can I let you know Monday or Tuesday?"

"Sure. Any ideas on where to go? I don't think I want to be near any snow. Maybe California?"

"That sounds great, we can do the amusement park thing." Ben was sure that it was something Brian had never done with Justin.

"I'll check it out," and the two parted ways with each heading to his home.

That weekend Justin was in the loft working hard on making some changes in his life. He talked with his Mom, telling her to put the loft up for sell and to look for a house for him. He went out to pick up boxes and a trunk. When he returned Justin finally started cleaning Brian's things out. Justin put most of the stuff in the boxes to donate but some things went in to the trunk for Gus to have one day; the two leather coats and a pair of pants that Brian had loved so much, some photo albums, and a few things that Justin knew Brian planned on passing to Gus. The secret journal that Brian had started writing in college, its last entry the day of his death also went into the trunk. As Justin closed the trunk all he could think was "if only I had been with him, or made him stay with me" then he closed the lid and cried. Justin took the marker and wrote on the top of the trunk 'For Gus Only' and locked it. He made one more walk though the loft. Closing up the last of the boxes he stood in the bedroom, looking around at the almost empty closet and drawers. That is how his life felt at the moment, EMPTY, his eyes coming to rest on the white silk scarf.

The knock at the door snapped Justin out of that dark place just a little. He walked over opening the door. Ben stood on the other side.

"What's with all the boxes?" He moved into the loft and saw the closet. "You finally did it!" Ben said really looking at Justin "Can I help? Take the boxes? Talk with you? Hold you?" and with that Justin fell into Ben's arms sobbing. The two stood there like that for what seemed to be days but was really only minutes.

Justin's voice was quiet and shaky "I remember the day you packed Michael's things up. I just didn't think it would be this hard on me especially now. Let's get them out of here. The trunk can go back in that corner." And Justin took a deep breath, stood back out of Ben's arms. They dropped the boxes off at the gay shelter. Ben took Justin to the movies and dinner. He hoped it would help somewhat but knew time was the only thing that really would.

"Justin, why don't you stay in Hunter's old room tonight? I remember how hard that day was for me. We can talk about the trip. I think I can arrange it but I won't know for sure until Monday"

"Thanks, I think you're right. I really don't want to be at the loft tonight."

The two sat on the couch for a long time flipping the channels but not really watching anything. They talked of the emptiness that packing up their lovers things caused. Justin waited because he hoped it would make it easier but the wait changed nothing. Finally the talk turned to Thanksgiving night and how both had a visit.

"Brian told me I had to let go. That it's hurting him to see me like I've been. He said he couldn't watch over the family until I did. So I'm doing it, I can't hurt him anymore, I hurt him enough when he was alive. That's why I packed all his things today, for him."

Ben pulled Justin to him, letting Justin lean his head on his shoulder. "Michael told me that I needed to finish letting go as it's time to move on. I don't know how to do it, but I'm going to try."

They felt the need for a new topic so the talk changed to the trip. Justin started rambling on about wanting to see San Francisco, the coast, Venice Beach and Disneyland with Ben throwing in his views now and then. By the time they stopped talking they realized that they had a rough idea of what to do on the trip. It was time to sleep now and Monday they would set the plans in motion if Ben could go. If not Justin would set his plans up alone. Justin was really hoping that Ben would be going which surprised him a little. Justin wasn't sure why but he felt less lonely whenever Ben was around.

Monday, Ben found that he could go. He had the vacation time. He just had to set it up for either one of the other professors or his assistant to fill in on his classes. Many professors owed Ben favors so he had no trouble finding people to cover. Justin made the reservations setting the plans in motion. A week from today they would hop on a plane for San Francisco, the starting place of the trip. The day also found Justin getting a call from his Mom with a house for him to check out. They set a time to meet.

The house was three stories and within a few block of girls' home. Across the front of the house was an enclosed porch and to the side was a two-car garage set back just slightly. The front yard was small with lots of bricks and little grass area. One huge tree stood to the side. They walked into a nice hall area with the stairs on the right side running up to the rest of the house. On the left was a living room and next to it an office or den. The door to the backyard was straight across from the front door. Under the stairs was a half bathroom and next to it a door that leads to the basement. To right side of the front door was the dinning room, which led into the kitchen. There was a pantry at the back of the kitchen and a side door leading out to the garage.

The stairs led to the second floor and came out to a small area. There were four bedrooms and three baths on the second floor. Turning to the left or right as you stepped on to the second floor took you to a hallway circling the stairwell. Just past the hallway you would find the door to the master bedroom. There were two master bedrooms one at each end of the floor. The center had two small bedrooms which shared a bathroom with a door opening to the hallway.

The third floor was an attic that had been remodel about five years ago into a studio. Justin fell in love with it as he stepped into it. They had expanded the middle by putting in all glass enclosure. It was much like a sun porch. There was a small bathroom at one end with an over-sized sink. And the other end had been made into a storage area. But the center was wide open and full of light. The window gave a view of the whole back yard. It wasn't very big, just the right size for two kids. Justin turned facing his Mom.

"This is it. Make an offer. I want this studio" The owner stepped into the room just as Justin made the last statement.

"I'm sorry I didn't realize anyone was still here. This studio was build for my wife. She loved it just as I see you do. It'll make her happy to know someone has it that loves it as she did. She died six months ago and I need to move, there are too many memories. So as long as we can work out a price, it's yours." He said fighting back the tears.

Justin looked at him "Are you leaving town?" The man shook his head "Maybe we can work out an exchange. I'm selling the loft that my lover and I shared. I need to move for the same reasons as you."

The three of them went downstairs. Justin returned to the office to finish some work while Jennifer drove the man to the loft to show him around. When Jennifer dropped the man back at the house it looked like the two men would be exchanging the loft and the house. The two realtors involved just had to work out the details and write up the papers. Then it had to go though escrow and they would each have a new place to live.

The next Monday had come and, Ben and Justin were on the plane to San Francisco. Justin had reserved a two-room suite for them. The cost wasn't so bad because they were splitting it. They had a really nice view of the city. After getting settled in the suite they headed out to explore the city. The change of surroundings was helping to keep their minds off the anniversary. They had so much fun that day that they decided to stay one more.

Ben rented a car on the morning of the seventh. They headed down the coast highway. They had a reservation for the Disney Hotel on the tenth and eleventh but until then it would be wherever they wanted.

Lunchtime came a little late and Justin's stomach was making itself known. They finally found a nice looking place to eat. They were seated at a table that faced out over the water. The lunch was simple but very good and the view made it prefect.

Next-door was a small Inn so they decide to check it out. They were told there was only one room left but it had two beds in it, so they took it. They put their things in the room then went down to the beach for a walk. Justin had carried his sketchpad with him so he and Ben walked for awhile. Justin found a nice rock to sit on where he sketched the wonderful view. Ben left him there and took off running down the beach. About the time that Justin realized it was getting cold Ben was back at the rock. Justin climbed down off the rock and walked back to the room with Ben.

It wasn't time yet for dinner so they went out on the balcony. Justin sat in a chair feet up on the rail, sketchpad on his lap and pencil in his hand. Ben was standing in the corner looking out at the water. They were chit-chatting as Ben turned back a little towards Justin. Justin artist's eyes all of a sudden saw something different in Ben. His hand started drawing faster as if it had taken on a life of its own. Ben's expression was as if he was seeing something in a new way but Justin had no idea what. The two of them had stopped talking as Justin's hand was capturing that moment. When Justin put the last stroke on the paper he closed the pad and set the pencil down. He started rubbing his hand that was now screaming in pain from all the work he had done that day.

Ben walked over to Justin, pulled him up, turned him towards the room then walked him into the bathroom. Ben turned on the water and when the water had warmed up, he plugged the sink. As he pushed Justin's hand under the warm water he started massaging it. Justin looked up and Ben saw the relief cross his face then something else as well. This new feeling panicked Ben, he let go and quickly left from the bathroom going out to the balcony for a breath of fresh air.

Justin was a little confused as he unplugged the sink, dried his hand, and reached into his bag for his pain medicine. After he took the meds Justin went out to the balcony.

"Thanks Ben. The massage really helped. But why did you leave so suddenly? Did I do something wrong?"

"No, I just needed air." Ben half smiled at Justin, "you ready for dinner now?"

"Sure." And the two left for the restaurant.

Ben was relived that Justin didn't push it.

Justin's mind raced as he walked, trying hard to put his feelings in perspective. They were a tangle up mess so he just kept quiet.

The waitress told them about a little shopping area just down the road a few miles. They spent the evening looking and shopping for gifts. The whole evening went by with very few words said between them. They found a kind of peace in the silence.

Justin had the bed that was closest to balcony. He laid looking out the sliding glass doors. It was so pretty outside that they left the curtains open. He drifted asleep hours later as his thoughts kept bouncing to the sketch then the bathroom then to the balcony and back circling all over again. Justin's mind was still running the scenes over and over except now Brian's voice was also running though it. The words seeming to float though the scenes, "It's time for you to open your heart once more…to open your eyes and look for a new lover….a very good man needs your love as much as I did….you need him even more….live happy once more for me."

Ben wasn't having a much easier time as the same scenes played in his mind. Michael's words were taking on a meaning as the moments of the last few days started to come together. Ben fought the thoughts 'no, he's just a friend' as he continued his restless sleep. Ben finally gave in, got up and went out for a run. He returned several hours later to find Justin on the rock just staring out over the water.

"Justin, what do you want to do today?"

Finally Justin spoke "I would like to stay here another night but I think I need some time alone."

Ben had turned facing the water, "I'll check on the room; I'll let you know if it's a problem," looking at Justin "I think we both need the time alone." Ben turned and went back to the Inn.

Later Justin took the car and went for a drive. They spent little of the day together. Again dinner was done almost in silence except for answering the waitress and a few words to each other. Most of the time both seemed to just watch out the window. They were lost in their own thoughts, both men trying to untangle the web of feelings caused by the sights, sounds and dreams of the last few days. They were running away and towards the knowledge that had been laid before them unable to accept or handle the possible answer.

The guarded silence continued as they returned to the room. They packed their things so they could leave early in the morning. When Justin finished, he laid on the bed to read his book. Or rather he tried to read.

Ben needed air so he took a walk, seeking the calm of nature. He returned to find Justin sound asleep. Soon after he lay down, he was asleep also.

Upon waking in the morning, things seemed to be much better as if the last day hadn't happened. They talked of their plans for the day at breakfast. They started back down the coast and stopped at Venice Beach. They figured this was a good place to stay the night and finally found a hotel with a room available. The rest of the day was spent hanging around. Justin did some sketching while Ben had his camera out taking pictures.

They dined at a cozy little restaurant not far from the hotel. Their talk turned to the first anniversary tomorrow. They finally talked of that day, the accident, and the hospital and of that moment when they first saw the family. They both were grateful that they still had these people in their lives. They talked of Ben pulling Justin out of the fall he started into that first month and how when Hunter left for college Justin had been there for Ben. They talked of how they were trying to fill in for Michael and Brian with the kids how they would take them to the park, the zoo and just spending time with them. Both kept the talk from getting to close to the one subject that neither was ready to face. The feelings that had made them spend the previous day apart and in almost total silence.

Back at the hotel they headed for bed. Both taking a sleeping pill knowing without it they would find little sleep. The next morning they awoke about the same time, they dressed and left for breakfast.

They talked of what to do that day but nothing would change where their minds were. So the decision was to just play tourist, cruising Hollywood and West Hollywood areas. All the places they had heard about. Justin had the map and tried to direct Ben on where to turn but he kept getting distracted by all the sights. Sometimes he would just be loss in his feelings. They wondered the streets and freeways most of the morning. Finally giving in to the need to eat, their waitress suggested a shopping area to visit after eating. A few hours later, the two were ready to go to the Disney Hotel.

They could check in anytime after one pm and it was close to three now. Knowing that they wouldn't feel like going out any more today they stopped at a deli on the way to the hotel. They couldn't help but watch the clock as it moved closer to four. They both knew this would be one very long night. They planned to go to Disneyland the next day but even that couldn't keep their minds from the clock as the time moved closer to the moment. Ben realized that as the clock moved pass four that he had been holding his breath looking over at Justin he could see he wasn't alone. They both had a feeling of relief as the cell phone didn't ring although neither one understood why they thought it would. They had called the family checking in with each of the group, they even had called Hunter.

Dinner came and they picked at the food they had picked up on the way over. They tried to watch the TV, read, write or sketch anything to get their minds off what tonight was and the mixture of feelings that was overwhelming them both. Justin finally gave up and got ready for bed. He came out of the bathroom in a t-shirt and sweats. Ben had his things and headed in the bathroom.

Justin looked at his friend as he came out of the bathroom in his pajamas. "Ben, do you think you could lay here and hold me for awhile? I really need to be held."

"Sure Justin" Ben lay down on his back next to Justin who cuddled up into his side. His head lay on Ben's chest as the rest of their bodies fit perfectly together

They laid there for a long time just holding on to each other. The lights were out in the room. An opening in the curtains allowed a small ray of light from the moon to cascade in.

"Ben, do you remember me telling you about Brian's visit on Thanksgiving?'

"Yes"

"I didn't tell you everything he said. I was confused by it but I think I understand now. I just don't know what to do about it."

"What did he say?"

"He said a good man needed my love and that I needed his even more. But the way he said it made me think that I should know whom he was talking of. I...I think I finally do know and it scares me, but it excites me too."

"Before you say anything else I need to tell you something. Michael also told me more then I told you. He said I had a man in my life that needed my strength and understanding. That he needed my gentle heart to tame the ragging loss he feels. He also said that he would be as good a lover as he was a friend. The last few days have made me realized that he was talking about you. That day in the bathroom when I was massaging your hand something changed. I panicked because I wanted to kiss you. The next day I just didn't know how to face you, what to say or even what I was really feeling."

Justin wanted to move to face Ben but he just couldn't. "I know what you mean. I just kept seeing you differently that night. I could hear the words Brian had said and saw the scenes of you and me but I just didn't know what to do or think. I think staying apart gave me time to process it. But then it was eve of the anniversary and before I knew it, it was that time on the first anniversary. And now it's night again, I just couldn't face another night with out telling you all of it. I could only tell you like this."

"What are you scared of? Me? A relationship? Risking our friendship? Or the HIV?"

"I'm scared of the HIV, risking our friendship and starting a relationship. But mostly of being alone."

Ben turned and pulled Justin up. He gave Justin a gentle kiss "You're not alone. I'm here. We just need to take it one day at a time, one moment at a time." And he kissed Justin again.

They turned into each other's arms and kissed. The kisses gentle and tender at first deepening into a breath stealing passionate kiss until Justin pulled back.

"I can't go any farther tonight." Ben let Justin move back to the spot he felt safe in. Curled into Ben's side, head on his chest with his arm holding Justin. Ben understood for it was still the anniversary of their lover's deaths.

Morning came and Justin began moving. Ben could feel Justin hardness as he wigged trying to find a comfortable spot. Ben finally gave in to the need and reached down and began to rub Justin's hard cock. Justin was still asleep but the moans came nonetheless. It didn't take long for Ben to make Justin cum and as he did his eyes opened.

Ben smiled, "You always like this in the morning?"

Justin, with a big smile on his face said, "That's what I've been told."

Ben laughed one of those laughs that come from deep in your soul. "Brian once told me you were but I didn't believe him. I guess you are." Ben kissed Justin passionately. "It's going to be fun trying to keep up with you."

Justin got out of the bed and headed for the bathroom. Soon both men were dressed and on the way to Disneyland. The day flew by as they acted like kids running from one ride to the next; only stopping to get some gifts for the kids. They even found a thing or two for the rest of their family. Ben and Justin found that comfortable place once more, the one they had spent most of the last year in.

Dinner was out on the patio in candlelight. They talked of the day and feelings new to each of them or maybe just realization that the feelings were there.

They walked slowly back to the room reflecting on a wonderful day. Once back in the room, they both felt just a little nervous.

Justin faced Ben and asked, "Do you want to fuck me?"

"I guess I do" as he handed a bag to Justin. The bag held a box of condoms and a tube of lube.

Justin smiled and stepped into Ben's arms saying, "I want you" and then kissed him.

They took this first night slow and easy. Ben told Justin things he needed to know about being with someone who is positive. Afterwards they curled into each other, well satisfied by the time sleep claimed them.

Early the next morning Justin awoke to an empty bed. He checked the bathroom first. No Ben. Justin slipped on a robe and opened the bedroom door to find him sitting on the couch. The sunlight cascaded in on a relaxed Ben as he stared out the window. A juice glass in hand.

Justin walked over to him "May I," tilting his head at Ben's lap.

Ben moved his arms inviting him to sit. Justin sat on his lap and laid his head on Ben's chest. Ben's arms encircled Justin. The two cuddled, as this was just a normal start of the day for them and not the first morning after. Ben offered some of the juice that he was drinking to Justin. They just sat and enjoyed the morning for a while.

"Justin, how do I make you feel?"

Justin paused to gather his thoughts before he answered. "I don't want you to think I'm comparing you to Brian because I'm not. This is just a way for me to picture my feelings. Brian was always this totally consuming fire. You make me think of a cozy fire. The kind that makes you feels all comfy, loved and safe."

"What about last night?"

"Last night, the cozy fire turned into a roaring one until there was an incredible release. And then it was back to the cozy fire." Ben pulled Justin in closer as he heard these words.

"I think I like that. I really like that Justin" Then he looked up and Ben kissed him. One kiss turn to two then three; next they're gasping for breath.

"How do I make you feel, Ben?"

"You have awakened a part of me that was buried for a long time. That is the man that went to the White Party and things like that. I needed simple for a while as I adjusted to being positive. Michael was simple; he was as some say vanilla. But you, you are rainbow sherbet, rocky road and all the rest. I'm finally at a point in time to let that man back out, and with you, I can. I don't mean the partying and the men. I just want you but we can enjoy each other. I know that we have to be careful, yet there's so much we can do."

Justin sat up looking into Ben eyes "I want to fuck you." A sly smile and lustful eyes came to life as he waited for Ben to respond.

Ben's voice dropped "It's been a very….very...long time for me."

"Michael never?"

"Like I said Michael was simple." They kissed "Now?"

Justin stood up holding his hand back for Ben and they walked to the bedroom. This time it was Justin who took the lead. He had Ben so ready by the time he entered him. Justin wished he could keep them both at the edge but he couldn't hold back and finally took them both over. Justin lay down, cuddling into Ben's side. Their eyes closed as their breath returned to normal; drifting off to sleep only to be awoken by a loud rumbling sound.

Ben looked at Justin "was that you?"

Justin shyly glanced up, "I'm hungry, you took all my energy and I need to refuel."

Laughing, "I guess we had better get dressed so we can feed you. That noise could really put a stop to the fun!"

During the late breakfast they talked of how to spend the last three days of the trip. They figured they would stay where they were for the next two nights. They had a reservation for the last night at the airport hotel as the flight out left at seven in the morning. Now that they had the nights handled they started working on the plans for the days. Justin really wanted to go to Universal Studios and turned his puppy dog eyes on Ben to get his way. It was decided to go there the next day. The last day Ben had some places he wanted to go to but wouldn't tell Justin what they were, only that it was his day. Justin gave in with only a slight pout. That left what to do today.

It was almost noon so the decision was to check out some of the places close by that they had been told about. They still needed a few more Christmas gifts as they could still close the suitcases. They wanted to have all the gifts bought before heading home. It would only be ten days until Christmas once they returned.

The shopping areas that they went to all had places for people to stop and rest, benches or coffee shops with outdoor seating. They stopped a couple times when they found an out of the way place to sit. They watched the people hurry about and talked of the things that were changing for them. They finally started talking about what to do about the family and their living arrangements.

"Justin, I've been looking for a new place to rent. I finally see why everyone been telling me to move. I guess it was the last piece of Michael, which I've finally let go of. I know it's too soon for us to live together but I don't think I can be with you in the loft." Justin realized that he hadn't told Ben about his plans.

"Ben, I sold the loft. I'm moving into three-story house with a studio in it. It's close to the kids and it has two master bedrooms. You can have one until we're ready to live in the same bed. I did a quick escrow so I'm hoping that I…umm…we can move before Christmas maybe even when we get back."

"I don't know, you sure you want me in the same house with you all the time?"

Justin slid real close to Ben looking up into his eyes, "Well, what I really want is you and me in the same bed every night. But you seem to need time so I figure letting you have your own room would be the next best thing." Justin gave Ben a quick kiss and continued talking before he could react. "There's an office or den that would be great for you to work in and…"

Ben kissed Justin to stop him from talking "Could you let me say a word or two? I would love to share a bed with you but I'm not sure jumping into a relationship this way is good for either of us. And what about the family? It could be a real problem for them. This trip has been great. But are you sure we're ready to live together?

Justin smiled. "It's not like we haven't known each other, for what? Five, six years now. Maybe we could just let the rest think we have our own room, even if we're staying in the same bed."

Ben nodded. "How about we make the decision after we get home?" Ben stood up. "Come on lets go back to the room where can really discuss this."

Justin jumped up following Ben. He was a little confused until he saw the look in Ben's eyes. Now he knew exactly what kind of discussion Ben wanted to have. This talk was going to be fun. Justin had a feeling that by the time they got home the negotiations would be over with.

The next day the two of them acted like kids who had slipped out of the house. It wasn't a college professor and ad agency owner that invaded the studios but two 'teenagers'. They rode the rides, watched the shows and ate all the junk food. When the park closed they headed back to the hotel and to bed. They stripped and fell in the bed, Ben holding Justin to him as sleep over came them.

The last day, they got up early and packed. After they had the car loaded and had checked out of the room, they headed for the place where Ben wanted to have their last breakfast. Next, he took Justin to the Los Angeles Museum. Ben watched, as Justin seemed to lose himself in the works of art. They talked of what they saw but mostly Ben just followed Justin. Ben was standing close when the noise happened.

"Lunchtime, I heard the growl. Let's feed it before someone thinks it's an earthquake" with that he grabbed Justin's hand leading him out to the car.

The restaurant that Ben wanted to go to was just a few miles away. They had a great lunch then they left for the next place Ben wanted to see. It was a small gallery that a friend of his had suggested. It was located on a street that had several galleries, each specializing in different things. They ended up making it thought them all before heading to the hotel for the night. They ate dinner at a little café down the street.

They made love that night, bringing a wonderful end to a great day. The trip was the best thing they could have done for themselves. They found each other in a way that gave life to the budding relationship without tearing the friendship. They realized that together they would be able to handle the family. It would take time but Justin and Ben knew it was the right thing for the two of them. They knew that even Brian and Michael thought it was good. One day the family would too.

And so they returned to Pittsburgh.

The final papers were ready by the time they landed. Justin signed and picked up the keys after dropping off the suitcases at the loft. Over the weekend Justin's things were moved into one bedroom and Ben's in the other, as the family helped them move in.

What everyone didn't need to know was that nights would find them together on an air mattress in the studio. They wanted to make love under the stars.

Justin and Ben slowly started letting everyone realize that they were together; not just as friends but as lovers.

Life in the house was good.