Past Tense
folder
zMisplaced Stories [ADMIN use only] › Celeb › Total Nonstop Action
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,348
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
zMisplaced Stories [ADMIN use only] › Celeb › Total Nonstop Action
Rating:
Adult ++
Chapters:
1
Views:
1,348
Reviews:
0
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Total Nonstop Action, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Past Tense
Title: Past Tense
Author: Knytshade
Rating: NC-17 (explicit in terms of language (it -is- Alex after all lol) and activity as well as solo slashy goodness!)
Pairing: Alex Shelley (Roderick Strong implied only)
Disclaimer: This is ROH based, and ROH and everything about it is owned by Gabe and Cary (I forgot their last names), the wrestlers involved are owned well by themselves)
Distribution: Ask me first please! :)
Written: June 18, 2006-July 3, 2006
Notes: 2 1sts for me here: my first story written from someone's POV, and my first attempt at a solo shot! Also, to make things easier to follow, I have italicizedeverything relating to a past memory.
Kudos and Special Thanks: Faerie_Lissa416 for being my beta reader, as well as her thoughtful and intuitive insight & orilon for her input and several ideas, as well as several definitions on various words I was unsure of, Love you ladies!
Feedback: Please! I thrive on it :)
====================================================================
How long has it been?? Two years? Hell I quit keeping track. Even now in the Embassy, there are still many nights when I sleep in a hotel room alone, lost in my memories and thoughts of you. The chill of the loneliness far outweighs the dampness of the room, that is for sure.
So here I am, laying on the bed which hasn't been turned down yet, my head resting on my right hand. My lips are pursed as my left hand idly plays with the silver dog tags around my neck. They cling with a soft ringing sound as I run them through my fingers. My eyes are staring up towards the plain, cream-colored ceiling. I puff out a deep and restless breath of air and stop what I'm doing, and then lay still for a moment. My entire body tense after this grueling night, you and Austin took Jimmy and I to the limit.
As I shook your hand and Jimmy shook Austin's before the match, as per the code of honor, I could see it in your eyes. Yes, that most beautiful, passionate flame that burns within you, only it isn't me that ignites it, not anymore at least, but that bastard Austin Aries. You were totally lost to his power, although nothing in my face would tell you I caught onto that. In all this time, I can still read you like a mother-fucking book, or have you forgotten that hrmm? I wouldn't be wholly surprised if you have, considering the length of time we haven't worked together really. Admittedly, it has been a long time, now hasn't it? A long time for a lot of things.
I know I hesitated in letting go of your hand after the ceremonial shake, but that was because a million and one things were running through my mind at the time. I was greatly disheartened to see just how much that bastard has you under his thrall, and you, yes YOU, totally oblivious to it, so blinded by ' love ' that you can't see it. It appalled me to see that you had forgotten everything I had taught you when you were under my wing. You did the ONE thing I told you to NEVER do at any cost!
You went and gave your heart away, and furthermore to Austin fucking Aries of all people!
I told you Roddy, to never do that, not even with me, for it will only bring you pain and heartache in the long run. Oh well, why do I care? It's not my problem anymore now is it? You'll figure this out eventually, and most likely the hard way too.
AHH FUCK!!' I scream, promptly sitting up on the bed and grabbing a pillow. I punch it very hard and throw it to the wall, where it just seems to bounce off and onto the floor. I then lift my hand up and run it through my dark black hair with a touch of blonde. Who am I kidding, just who am I attempting to fool? Of COURSE I care! Why? The fucking hell if I know. I am letting my thoughts run off with me again, I assure you that won't happen again.
I get up off the bed and pull my torn shirt over my head. I toss that over to join the pillow and walk over towards the towel rack. I needed a shower, yes that is -just- the thing to get my mind off these things. I start to pull several lush white towels off the rack, along with a washcloth and one of those ridiculous bath mats and traverse over towards the bathroom, endeavoring my best to get you the hell out of my head.
I toss the towels onto the sink and close the door behind me. The damn bath mat I scoot towards the tub, and whats with all these damned hotels having a heat lamp overhead when you turned on the light? It makes me sweat and I've already done that enough this evening! Fuck it.
I am forced to take pause. There you are AGAIN! GOD DAMN YOU, GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I then rest my hands on top of the porcelain sink, my head bows, and my breathing coming out in spurts. I can't allow this to happen, I cannot afford myself the weakness of admitting where I may have gone wrong. That is not me, nor written in my genetic code.
But yet, I wonder where I -did- go wrong with you? I was close to Austin and Jack, but you, you were much different Roderick. You and I had this special affinity that neither of them could touch. I know I never told you, told you just what you meant to me. That son of a bitch Aries has gotten it ingrained into your fucking head that I didn't care, that I didn't give a shit about you, him, Jack, or the whole Core mission of Generation Next. He also has you foolishly believing that I abandoned you for selfish reasons, that I had let down 'the boys', While I was endeavoring to take care of myself and go further in TNA. Quite the contrary, there is no truth to the case of which I was made guilty of, the sin of abandonment. Truth is, if I didn't care, I would not have returned to ROH and to GN. But you know what? I -did-. WHY? Because at the time I thought I had three very special men to guide and look after. When I did come back, what did I get for my trouble? At Final Battle 2004, Austin and you turned your fucking backs on me! He punched me and when you got in between us, I thought that perhaps YOU could make that madman come to his senses. What did you do? You grabbed me and cracked my back in half. Let me tell you something Roderick, that backbreaker wounded more than just my spine.
I have not forgotten that, even though it wasalmost 2 years ago. I have a long ass memory.
In fact, you remember Steel Cage Warfare? I am sure you do, hell we all do. Did you like it Roderick? Did you like it when I came up from behind on Austin Aries while the latter was grounded near the cage door, his arm draped over the bottom rope, his face coated with copious amounts of blood? Did you like it when I beat him senseless, causing more blood to flow, rubbed it in his face for good measure? Did you like it when I skullfucked that cocksucker on a chair?? Mmmmm I know I did, very much. It gave me such a rush to gain some measure of revenge on him for all of his past transgressions, of which there were many. You guys may have won that match, but I came out of it with a far greater mission accomplished. I could care less if the Embassy would have won it, hell it would have been an added bonus if we had. Just as God created the heavens, the earth, and man himself, and destroyed it with the Flood, set the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to flame, and then began anew, my true goal was to decimate and destroy what I had created in Generation Next. That is the power of the creator, he can destroy just as effectively as he wrought.
Just like tonight Roderick. Did you like it? Did you enjoy it when your precious Austin ended up on all fours and I came around, mounted him and sat on his back. Did you like when aboard my trusty steed, I showed him up by posing as I did, and then turned it into that headlock, applying all that pressure on his forehead? It was so nice to have him on his knees before me again. Oh yes very much so! I derived so much pleasure inflicting unending agony onto Aries, you could probably say I got off on it.
As I reach over to turn the faucet on, I feel a great sense of satisfaction. The smile on my face is more of that smirk that I am famous for, that most people know me by. I run my right hand under the water to ensure that the temperature is just right. I then dip both hands under the running water, allowing it to pool into my hands, and splash it over my face. My head lifts up and I shake the droplets off, with a relieved sigh.
I stand up and run my wet hands through my hair, shaking it out a bit. Then I turn the water off. I lift my eyes up to the mirror, and stare at the reflected version of myself for a few moments. Despite all of this, I SHOULD hate you as much as I do him right? You'd think so, but I don't, believe it or not. No, I don't. I have kept asking myself all this time the reasons why I don't, and yet I still have no answer, or one that makes any sense. I just don't get it.
My mirrored twin may not talk to me with words, but it sure as hell speaks volumes in other ways. When I gaze there, into my own eyes,I see a man who was once strong, a force to be reckoned with. Someone who possessed supreme confidence in himself and his abilities. An individual who at one time, had three of the most explosive up-and-comers at his side, but not now, no more. He became a broken man without a solution, and no direction to start upon after he was forced to endure such a malicious mutiny that he had no idea was coming. He was a man, while inflicting such atrocities upon others, would never dream of doing it unto his closest associates. I see a man who seemed to wander aimlessly through the locker-room, with no friends and nothing but enemies, it was like walking through a loaded minefield strewn with barbed wire. Then he joined the Embassy in July of 2005. He endeavored to regain that strength, that control he once had, and wreck a furious hell upon those who betrayed him. I see a man who took vast amounts of pleasure at the pains of those he once called friends.
A man who, after obtaining his vengeance, still didn't feel complete and one hundred percent vindicated. Something was missing and still is, and he doesn't know what. And so, he searches on. So many questions still have no answers, no resolutions.
I sigh deeply and mutter 'Shit' to myself as I raise one hand to run through my hair again, forced to tear my eyes away of this inner contemplation of myself. ' Get a hold of yourself Alex!' I mutter as I turn and proceed towards the shower. I slide the white vinyl curtain to the side just enough to turn the water on, and pull up the lever in the tub to activate the shower overhead. I extend my left hand underneath it to make sure it wasn't going to boil my skin off, and adjust it accordingly. I replace the curtain inside the tub and step back, reaching down to my weathered and holey jeans. My fingers fiddle with the button, undoing it and then pulling the zipper down. I reach up for the waist band and push my jeans off of my already tired body. I kick them off to some anonymous corner, along with my black boxers. As I step towards the shower, I am stopped yet again as something flashes itself deep in my mind: You.
Now another memory comes upon me of one time when we were all preparing to shower, and you insisted on doing something for me. I arched my brow at you and shrugged my shoulders, allowing you to do whatever you had in mind. My eyes lingered on you the entire time as you slid down to your knees and wrapped your hands around my denim-clad hips. You then leaned forward and tugged the belt free with your teeth. You then went to work undoing the button in the same manner. It excited me to watch you working so diligently to open it, your growls of frustration at its stubbornness gave me a pleased and proud feeling. My hands went into the softness of your short brown hair, fingers running through and caressing idly as you went about your work. You finally managed to undo the button, and then your lovely teeth moved straight for the zipper and pulled it down all the way. Your hands folding then around the waistband of my jeans, tugging on them down around my hips and buttocks, while your face was pressed deeply into my side, inhaling me and my scent. I well remember how your hot breath seemed to linger and penetrate through my boxers to my skin, and that excited me further. I could hear your softest of purrs as you continued, your lips pressing hard against my sheltered cock, your wet tongue lapping in that vicinity. My head arched back and I gasped through gritted teeth as I heard you starting to groan, and my fingers cinched into your hair even tighter. I wanted to take you right then and there, and I could feel that that is what you wanted me to do also, without as much of a word from your lips. It was a silent need I was picking up on your part, but time was not on our side as I recall. So with a lush smile on my lips, I gently ease you to your feet, and brought you close to me. I lifted your chin up to where you could meet my eyes and I imposed a powerful kiss onto those beautiful, innocent lips of yours. MMMMMM you always had tasted so very sweet to me, dare I say intoxicating? Through that kiss, I wished to convey unto you just how pleased I was with you, how pleased I always had been.
I snap out of this suddenly as I blink and look down. My right hand is resting on top of my cock, right where you breathed and kissed it. I curve my fingers and lightly drag them along it, feeling a slight shiver as I do so. Up and down, my fingertips touch, and I inhale a deep breath and hold it for several seconds, before letting it go in a soft, pleasurable sigh. I stop just as swiftly as I start when I realize what the hell I am doing, and take a couple steps back, almost stumbling, but able to catch myself. My breathing picks up for several seconds and my eyes blink rapidly as well. What the FUCK was I doing THAT for?!? I lift a hand up to my weary head and shake everything off. I stand back up and pull aside the curtain long enough for me to step into the shower.
I stick my head underneath the downpour of hot water, running my hands up and through my hair to get it completely wet. Tiny beads of water start to cling to my body as I turn around to wet down my back. I run my hands up my throat to the back of my neck, allowing for the water to do its work to relax my aching muscles. I toss my head back and shake my wet hair out of my eyes and look up to the ceiling. I turn myself around, letting the water cascade down my torso, the warmth of the steam caressing up against my flesh. It feels good, almost too good.
I continue to run my hands around my neck to loosen any stiffness. I then reach over for the small bar of soap wrapped in that cheap paper. I tear it off and toss it out of the shower carelessly. I reach for the already damp wash cloth and start to lather it up. I then place the soap down and start to run the plush washcloth over my arms, a rich layer of lather coating my skin, all the while the water rinsing it from me at the same time. I move to my shoulders and then down over my chest, and down further over my stomach, and finally to my cock. I then wrap the cloth over it and start to wash it. I take several deep breaths as I feel the soap do its work, my eyes fluttering closed at the building sensations. I pause for yet for the umpteenth time this evening.
Another memory. This time, when we -had- managed time to shower together, you were the one washing me clean. I could see it in your eyes the immense pleasure you took from it. I remember how your very touches sparked intense fires in me, and you weren't even trying to excite me, but you were, whether you knew it or not at the time. My hands again ran through your wet hair as you ran the cloth in and under between my legs, your eyes flickering up and down as you went about your work. I felt myself then and there seemingly freefall to where my back kissed the wall of the shower. You scooted ever closer, laughing and telling me I needed to stay still if I wanted to be clean. I smirked and rolled my eyes at this, you teasing little brat. The cloth in your hand moved its way in between my legs further up and underneath my cock, right around the anus and that decadently sweet spot that separates it from my balls. Your face was ever so close , oh my fucking GOD was it ever! I could take no more of the torment at that point. My eyes sealed themselves shut, and with one hand supporting myself against the wall, and the other gripping your hair tighter, I growled out, "Suck me off Mine. Suck me off NOW!" I felt a short pause, and then a splash of water as the cloth seemed to fall from your hand, which then raised up and joined your other one on my hips. Oh then I felt your very warm tongue lapping at me, right along side of my bellybutton, your smoldering breath caressing my flesh, scalding it more than the water itself could ever have. You seemed to take to my command with great eagerness as your deep, anticipatory moans reached my ears. I shuddered with the machinations of your tongue on my flesh and you haven't even taken me into your mouth yet, and when you finally did, my body arched and I gasped with much heat emitting from my throat. Your hot mouth around my swollen cock, sucking at it madly, licking, lapping, and caressing. Your groans vibrating against it forced another erotic shiver from me and aroused me so much further. I could hear you whimpering from what you were doing, and your fingers grasped my hips even tighter. I remember then while keeping a firm grip in your hair, thrusting my hips forward and hard, fucking your sweet, hot mouth thoroughly. Your whimpers picked up, growing louder and louder with each pass. Then I eased up, and started to force your head further and deeper onto my cock, controlling how much of me you took in. Your cat-like tongue did its work rather quickly, as it ran all along the underside of my length in skillful, fluid strokes. I recall pulling your head more forward then, making you take me whole. Oh my fucking god yes! I threw my own head back as my orgasm started building and I completely let go of you, returning unto you that control. You seemed to sense that my pleasure was coming close, because you picked up the pace, faster and unrelenting, sparing me no mercy. My breathing became jagged and heavy, as I endeavored to enjoy it to the fullest, but there came a point to where I could no longer hold back. I gave a loud, shrill cry, almost like a roar as my hand suddenly flew back to your hair without thinking and pushed your face all the way down, and then slammed my hips several times into your waiting mouth. My eyes grew quite wide as my pleasure swept through me, blowing my mind to pieces like thousands of tiny shards of glass. While it was going on, I felt your lips tightly seal themselves around, drinking my seed down and greedily sucking it harder to ensure that you got every last drop. As it subsided, I pulled you off of me and reached down to wrap my arms around you, pulling you tightly to me, both of us very spent after such an exercise. Your arms in kind wrapped around my back. Both of us, our skin shimmering from perspiration, clung to each other and attempted to catch our breathing back, as I turned briefly to kiss that sweaty forehead of yours. Hell, you jokingly said we needed another shower!
This time there is no turning back. There is no escape for me. I can't fight it any longer, try as I might. The sensations coupled by these beautiful memories intensifying them further, I step unsteadily towards the back of the shower, the wet washcloth held fast around my awakened cock with my hand that was washing it. My head lazily rolls back and comes to the wall with a soft thump. My back however is not so fortunate, as it touches the wall, I can feel the breath literally pried harshly from my lungs. My hand starts pumping, in slow, easy circles. My eyes close while my head starts to spin at a dizzying rate. My mouth agape, and my breath catching in my throat. Slow, even strokes torment my cock further, and I can feel it ripening in my hand. My back arches off of the wall, as I move a little faster. My teeth grit tight, following up by deep, low moan that carries on for several seconds. More and more images were now flying in my head as I continue to pleasure myself. Images of you, picturing that it's not my hand but the warm confines of your heated mouth, your strong jaws, your tight lips that were almost like a vacuum, drawing my seed from me with unhindered force. Oh fuck how I burn, burn hard to feel your creamy flesh against mine again! To have your beautiful, sweet presence on your knees so very close to me, to where I can manipulate that innocence all over again, to corrupt you and re-open your eyes to who and what I truly am, to that world in which I introduced you! To draw you back into my thrall, safe and untouched, inoculated from the poisons of those who would take you from me. To ensure you had everything you ever wanted. To possess you in every fathomable way, just as before.
My free hand falls flat to the wall, and my head tilts to one side as I gasp for -any- life-giving air. That in itself, is hard to find because the room is seemingly coated with steam rising all around me. I draw the cloth up towards my swollen head, and run my thumb over it alone, and my back again is arching hard. 'Oh God! Oh fuck!' I attempt to mutter to myself as my moans become louder against my will. Faster and faster my thumb moves, my hips instinctively jutting upwards. A vision of your tongue digging deeply into the eye is forcing itself into my thoughts now, and that is only propelling me onward. It is as if I can feel your hands actually dragging downwards, tearing into my sensitive flesh. Oh God I am so LOST now! See what the fuck you do to me!?!?!?! This is all your fault!
'AHHHH!' I gasp huskily, as I return the cloth and my hand back around the entire length of my cock. A corner of the cloth slips and brushes up against my balls, and instantly, I envision your tongue moving from the head, down the thick shaft and underneath, bouncing each of my testicles on your tongue like they were Chinese medicine balls. My breathing is becoming erratic, with the misty droplets of the steam filling my lungs instead of oxygen. If I am not already suffocating, I soon will be.
The wet bristles of the cloth graze along my cock like teeth lightly dragging downwards. My hand rolls itself along the entire length, gradually speeding up. The onset rush of intensity is starting to become too much even for me to bear, and I can feel my entire body tightening. I seethe with pleasure through my gritted teeth, and my entire mind is starting to spiral dizzily downwards, ever descending deeper into that chasm of no return. I am a slave too it would seem: a slave to my own passions, and my insatiable hungers.
Oh lord no! Not ANOTHER memory! God, when will this endless torture end? Why cannot I not beat this back? Oh God it is driving me mad!
It was right before I took off to TNA, which was the last time I saw you for quite sometime. You and I had decided to stay the night together in the hotel. You had lit several white tea lights and strewn them along the table, the dresser, and upon both nightstands. The ambiance of it held quite an alluring feel to it, it seemed to draw me like like a bee to a flower, waiting to suckle that sweet nectar in order to achieve its prized honey. I remember distinctly what happened that night: you and I made love. That's right I said it, we made love, not the normal depraved and debauchery-filled evenings we were used to having. I know its quite surprising that someone might not find me capable of such a thing, but believe you me, even -I-, Alex Shelley, know the difference between lovemaking and just downright fucking.
I remember your quivering body, and how it shuddered violently beneath every touch, every pass of my fingers over your sweet flesh. You couldn't keep your eyes open, they kept fluttering, and your murmurs were all I needed to spur me onwards. Our lips seemed joined for hours, and perhaps it was that long, hell I don't remember. Your kisses were soft and tender, and within them I could feel the love you possessed for me, I could feel the fire behind your deepest passions, and it warmed me up inside like nothing I had ever experienced before. As our kisses became deeper and more profound, I laid beside you with our bodies molding together like they were chiseled out of the same marble; a perfect fit. I slid myself into your tight, sweet little hole, all the while holding you within the confines of our kiss. My one hand wound around your waist and pulled you back against my cock more firmly as my other hand stroked your chin. Your hand felt so good as it reached over and entangled itself into my hair, lightly caressing my scalp. I could feel your moans filtering down into my lungs, you providing my means of breathing, and that in itself caused my hips to rock smoother into you. The heat of your inside seemed to devour my cock as I could feel those tight muscles grasping, almost gnawing at me to draw me into you further. I plunged into you then, faster and faster, as the hand around your waist moved to your own cock, thick and full, ready to be touched, explored, manipulated. I took it firmly in my hand and started to lightly pump, running the flat of my palm over the head of it. I felt you shudder once more into me as I did so, and then my hand returned to your thick shaft, my thumb and forefinger forming a small circle and sliding it up and down your sex. Your helpless whimpers replaced the moans in my throat, and my hips started to take on a mind of their own. We broke the kiss for only a brief moment to attempt to recover breath, but it was not long before our mouths once more locked in a furious battle of wet tongues. Our bodies were starting to become immersed with sweat, and the candles in the room took on a life of their own, lending their flames to the sensuality of what was occurring. The soft glow seemed to wrap around us, and encouraging us to keep going. My whole entire body started to shake and tighten as I felt my orgasm approaching, but I resigned myself to the fact that we would come together. I started grunting as my speed picked up all the more, both in your tight ass and your thickness. We seemed to move in perfect harmony with each other, your body rocking into mine as our pleasures continued to mount, and when I could not hold back myself any longer, the hand on your chin turned it sharply facing the window, and inserted two of my fingers past your lips and started fucking your mouth with them. Your lips sealed themselves around and drew them in eagerly while your eyes closed tightly shut. I felt your body constricting as you yourself could not hold back either.
And then it hit. Both of us. Wave upon wave of unyielding pleasure swept through us most viciously as I felt you bite down hard on my fingers as I started to slam into you harder and harder, almost carelessly as my seed filled you up on the inside, My own mouth lunging for the back of your neck and I too, bit down hard as I growled animalistically in reaction. My other hand continued to pump you tirelessly until I felt your bite harder as your seed started spilling liberally all over my fingers, which in turn continued to slide up and down your cock until you were totally spent, until I had drawn it all out. My fingers coated your cock with the white stickiness and as our pleasures subsided, I slid my fingers from your mouth and slowly eased up on your neck. I was still inside you and I smiled, my other hand slipping from your sex and up around your back and neck, and up the back of your spine. I ran those sticky fingers over the small indentations I had left in your neck. Yes, I had marked you as Mine. You knew it and I knew it, and that's all that mattered. I slowly eased myself out of you and nestled in closely to you. You turned your head and in your glassy eyes, you silently asked for a kiss. I, of course, was more than happy to oblige you, and this kiss was laden with immense, loving affection. I then drew the sheets over us, and wrapped my arms lazily around your waist, pulling you snugly to me as I laid my head directly behind yours. Our soaked bodies started to wind down as we both fell into a blissful, peaceful rest amidst the afterglow.
Oh by holy GOD, I cannot hold back any longer! My head presses hard against the back of slippery shower, and my hand starts pumping faster and faster, literally slamming it against the root with each agonizing stroke. My breath is all gone now as I am gasping for air. My eyes seal shut, and I am hissing through my teeth with profound pleasure. I can hear myself crying out as my body can handle all it will withstand and my knees feel like they are about ready to buckle from underneath me. I am so deliriously enthralled with this intoxicating rapture that I have no reign on my senses: I am not sure if the heat in here is because of the steam coating the weathered tiles, or from me sweating bullets from this sweet anticipation.
My wet right hand desperately reaches around with splayed fingers, attempting to find something to grab hold onto to steady myself, but to no avail. My eyes sew themselves shut as I cannot fight this intensity for another second. I cry out much louder now, as massive waves of pleasure ripple through my form, as my seed comes forth, spurting downwards into the tub. My every nerve cell in my being is imploding in uncompromising ecstasy. Behind my sealed eyes, it feels like thousands of tiny stars being born before them. My mind is reeling, my senses sharp, I drive myself further and faster, not wanting to let this moment go ever. No. I must hold it close to me. My teeth grit once more as I hiss through them with hot, exasperating breaths, my pleasures.
Soon after it begins, it subsides, this beauteous moment that shattered my mind like a thousand, miniscule pieces of glass, and slowly, slowly I slide down the worn tiles to where I sit at the the bottom of the tub, leaning up against the wall. My eyes blink open, attempting to acclimate them back into the light. The stars have faded, and it took me several seconds to grab my bearings. ' What the fuck just happened? ' I inquire of myself as I draw my legs up and prop my forearms on my knees. My head finds its way to be held up by my hands, fingers cinching into my hair tightly endeavoring to recover from that most heated and suffocating experience.
Then it dawns on me. Yes. It becomes quite clear. The answers I have been seeking have made themselves known to me, and in their midst, a painful realization, something I have long feared:
God damn you Roderick Strong. God damn you to fucking hell for causing me to break one of my own cardinal teachings.
The white cloth continues to soak up the water from the downpour. It splashes up against me as well, but I don't care: The gashes produced by this revelation are still having their way with me. The swelling pain I feel inside I do not understand how to cope with, and I doubt I ever shall. I think you shall remain a festering wound forever in the recesses of my mind and heart, torturing me with those glorious memories of us: Memories that will remain that, and never occur again.
God. Damn. You.
Oh for chrissakes, now I am going to need another shower, fucking marvelous!
Author: Knytshade
Rating: NC-17 (explicit in terms of language (it -is- Alex after all lol) and activity as well as solo slashy goodness!)
Pairing: Alex Shelley (Roderick Strong implied only)
Disclaimer: This is ROH based, and ROH and everything about it is owned by Gabe and Cary (I forgot their last names), the wrestlers involved are owned well by themselves)
Distribution: Ask me first please! :)
Written: June 18, 2006-July 3, 2006
Notes: 2 1sts for me here: my first story written from someone's POV, and my first attempt at a solo shot! Also, to make things easier to follow, I have italicizedeverything relating to a past memory.
Kudos and Special Thanks: Faerie_Lissa416 for being my beta reader, as well as her thoughtful and intuitive insight & orilon for her input and several ideas, as well as several definitions on various words I was unsure of, Love you ladies!
Feedback: Please! I thrive on it :)
====================================================================
How long has it been?? Two years? Hell I quit keeping track. Even now in the Embassy, there are still many nights when I sleep in a hotel room alone, lost in my memories and thoughts of you. The chill of the loneliness far outweighs the dampness of the room, that is for sure.
So here I am, laying on the bed which hasn't been turned down yet, my head resting on my right hand. My lips are pursed as my left hand idly plays with the silver dog tags around my neck. They cling with a soft ringing sound as I run them through my fingers. My eyes are staring up towards the plain, cream-colored ceiling. I puff out a deep and restless breath of air and stop what I'm doing, and then lay still for a moment. My entire body tense after this grueling night, you and Austin took Jimmy and I to the limit.
As I shook your hand and Jimmy shook Austin's before the match, as per the code of honor, I could see it in your eyes. Yes, that most beautiful, passionate flame that burns within you, only it isn't me that ignites it, not anymore at least, but that bastard Austin Aries. You were totally lost to his power, although nothing in my face would tell you I caught onto that. In all this time, I can still read you like a mother-fucking book, or have you forgotten that hrmm? I wouldn't be wholly surprised if you have, considering the length of time we haven't worked together really. Admittedly, it has been a long time, now hasn't it? A long time for a lot of things.
I know I hesitated in letting go of your hand after the ceremonial shake, but that was because a million and one things were running through my mind at the time. I was greatly disheartened to see just how much that bastard has you under his thrall, and you, yes YOU, totally oblivious to it, so blinded by ' love ' that you can't see it. It appalled me to see that you had forgotten everything I had taught you when you were under my wing. You did the ONE thing I told you to NEVER do at any cost!
You went and gave your heart away, and furthermore to Austin fucking Aries of all people!
I told you Roddy, to never do that, not even with me, for it will only bring you pain and heartache in the long run. Oh well, why do I care? It's not my problem anymore now is it? You'll figure this out eventually, and most likely the hard way too.
AHH FUCK!!' I scream, promptly sitting up on the bed and grabbing a pillow. I punch it very hard and throw it to the wall, where it just seems to bounce off and onto the floor. I then lift my hand up and run it through my dark black hair with a touch of blonde. Who am I kidding, just who am I attempting to fool? Of COURSE I care! Why? The fucking hell if I know. I am letting my thoughts run off with me again, I assure you that won't happen again.
I get up off the bed and pull my torn shirt over my head. I toss that over to join the pillow and walk over towards the towel rack. I needed a shower, yes that is -just- the thing to get my mind off these things. I start to pull several lush white towels off the rack, along with a washcloth and one of those ridiculous bath mats and traverse over towards the bathroom, endeavoring my best to get you the hell out of my head.
I toss the towels onto the sink and close the door behind me. The damn bath mat I scoot towards the tub, and whats with all these damned hotels having a heat lamp overhead when you turned on the light? It makes me sweat and I've already done that enough this evening! Fuck it.
I am forced to take pause. There you are AGAIN! GOD DAMN YOU, GET OUT OF MY HEAD! I then rest my hands on top of the porcelain sink, my head bows, and my breathing coming out in spurts. I can't allow this to happen, I cannot afford myself the weakness of admitting where I may have gone wrong. That is not me, nor written in my genetic code.
But yet, I wonder where I -did- go wrong with you? I was close to Austin and Jack, but you, you were much different Roderick. You and I had this special affinity that neither of them could touch. I know I never told you, told you just what you meant to me. That son of a bitch Aries has gotten it ingrained into your fucking head that I didn't care, that I didn't give a shit about you, him, Jack, or the whole Core mission of Generation Next. He also has you foolishly believing that I abandoned you for selfish reasons, that I had let down 'the boys', While I was endeavoring to take care of myself and go further in TNA. Quite the contrary, there is no truth to the case of which I was made guilty of, the sin of abandonment. Truth is, if I didn't care, I would not have returned to ROH and to GN. But you know what? I -did-. WHY? Because at the time I thought I had three very special men to guide and look after. When I did come back, what did I get for my trouble? At Final Battle 2004, Austin and you turned your fucking backs on me! He punched me and when you got in between us, I thought that perhaps YOU could make that madman come to his senses. What did you do? You grabbed me and cracked my back in half. Let me tell you something Roderick, that backbreaker wounded more than just my spine.
I have not forgotten that, even though it wasalmost 2 years ago. I have a long ass memory.
In fact, you remember Steel Cage Warfare? I am sure you do, hell we all do. Did you like it Roderick? Did you like it when I came up from behind on Austin Aries while the latter was grounded near the cage door, his arm draped over the bottom rope, his face coated with copious amounts of blood? Did you like it when I beat him senseless, causing more blood to flow, rubbed it in his face for good measure? Did you like it when I skullfucked that cocksucker on a chair?? Mmmmm I know I did, very much. It gave me such a rush to gain some measure of revenge on him for all of his past transgressions, of which there were many. You guys may have won that match, but I came out of it with a far greater mission accomplished. I could care less if the Embassy would have won it, hell it would have been an added bonus if we had. Just as God created the heavens, the earth, and man himself, and destroyed it with the Flood, set the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah to flame, and then began anew, my true goal was to decimate and destroy what I had created in Generation Next. That is the power of the creator, he can destroy just as effectively as he wrought.
Just like tonight Roderick. Did you like it? Did you enjoy it when your precious Austin ended up on all fours and I came around, mounted him and sat on his back. Did you like when aboard my trusty steed, I showed him up by posing as I did, and then turned it into that headlock, applying all that pressure on his forehead? It was so nice to have him on his knees before me again. Oh yes very much so! I derived so much pleasure inflicting unending agony onto Aries, you could probably say I got off on it.
As I reach over to turn the faucet on, I feel a great sense of satisfaction. The smile on my face is more of that smirk that I am famous for, that most people know me by. I run my right hand under the water to ensure that the temperature is just right. I then dip both hands under the running water, allowing it to pool into my hands, and splash it over my face. My head lifts up and I shake the droplets off, with a relieved sigh.
I stand up and run my wet hands through my hair, shaking it out a bit. Then I turn the water off. I lift my eyes up to the mirror, and stare at the reflected version of myself for a few moments. Despite all of this, I SHOULD hate you as much as I do him right? You'd think so, but I don't, believe it or not. No, I don't. I have kept asking myself all this time the reasons why I don't, and yet I still have no answer, or one that makes any sense. I just don't get it.
My mirrored twin may not talk to me with words, but it sure as hell speaks volumes in other ways. When I gaze there, into my own eyes,I see a man who was once strong, a force to be reckoned with. Someone who possessed supreme confidence in himself and his abilities. An individual who at one time, had three of the most explosive up-and-comers at his side, but not now, no more. He became a broken man without a solution, and no direction to start upon after he was forced to endure such a malicious mutiny that he had no idea was coming. He was a man, while inflicting such atrocities upon others, would never dream of doing it unto his closest associates. I see a man who seemed to wander aimlessly through the locker-room, with no friends and nothing but enemies, it was like walking through a loaded minefield strewn with barbed wire. Then he joined the Embassy in July of 2005. He endeavored to regain that strength, that control he once had, and wreck a furious hell upon those who betrayed him. I see a man who took vast amounts of pleasure at the pains of those he once called friends.
A man who, after obtaining his vengeance, still didn't feel complete and one hundred percent vindicated. Something was missing and still is, and he doesn't know what. And so, he searches on. So many questions still have no answers, no resolutions.
I sigh deeply and mutter 'Shit' to myself as I raise one hand to run through my hair again, forced to tear my eyes away of this inner contemplation of myself. ' Get a hold of yourself Alex!' I mutter as I turn and proceed towards the shower. I slide the white vinyl curtain to the side just enough to turn the water on, and pull up the lever in the tub to activate the shower overhead. I extend my left hand underneath it to make sure it wasn't going to boil my skin off, and adjust it accordingly. I replace the curtain inside the tub and step back, reaching down to my weathered and holey jeans. My fingers fiddle with the button, undoing it and then pulling the zipper down. I reach up for the waist band and push my jeans off of my already tired body. I kick them off to some anonymous corner, along with my black boxers. As I step towards the shower, I am stopped yet again as something flashes itself deep in my mind: You.
Now another memory comes upon me of one time when we were all preparing to shower, and you insisted on doing something for me. I arched my brow at you and shrugged my shoulders, allowing you to do whatever you had in mind. My eyes lingered on you the entire time as you slid down to your knees and wrapped your hands around my denim-clad hips. You then leaned forward and tugged the belt free with your teeth. You then went to work undoing the button in the same manner. It excited me to watch you working so diligently to open it, your growls of frustration at its stubbornness gave me a pleased and proud feeling. My hands went into the softness of your short brown hair, fingers running through and caressing idly as you went about your work. You finally managed to undo the button, and then your lovely teeth moved straight for the zipper and pulled it down all the way. Your hands folding then around the waistband of my jeans, tugging on them down around my hips and buttocks, while your face was pressed deeply into my side, inhaling me and my scent. I well remember how your hot breath seemed to linger and penetrate through my boxers to my skin, and that excited me further. I could hear your softest of purrs as you continued, your lips pressing hard against my sheltered cock, your wet tongue lapping in that vicinity. My head arched back and I gasped through gritted teeth as I heard you starting to groan, and my fingers cinched into your hair even tighter. I wanted to take you right then and there, and I could feel that that is what you wanted me to do also, without as much of a word from your lips. It was a silent need I was picking up on your part, but time was not on our side as I recall. So with a lush smile on my lips, I gently ease you to your feet, and brought you close to me. I lifted your chin up to where you could meet my eyes and I imposed a powerful kiss onto those beautiful, innocent lips of yours. MMMMMM you always had tasted so very sweet to me, dare I say intoxicating? Through that kiss, I wished to convey unto you just how pleased I was with you, how pleased I always had been.
I snap out of this suddenly as I blink and look down. My right hand is resting on top of my cock, right where you breathed and kissed it. I curve my fingers and lightly drag them along it, feeling a slight shiver as I do so. Up and down, my fingertips touch, and I inhale a deep breath and hold it for several seconds, before letting it go in a soft, pleasurable sigh. I stop just as swiftly as I start when I realize what the hell I am doing, and take a couple steps back, almost stumbling, but able to catch myself. My breathing picks up for several seconds and my eyes blink rapidly as well. What the FUCK was I doing THAT for?!? I lift a hand up to my weary head and shake everything off. I stand back up and pull aside the curtain long enough for me to step into the shower.
I stick my head underneath the downpour of hot water, running my hands up and through my hair to get it completely wet. Tiny beads of water start to cling to my body as I turn around to wet down my back. I run my hands up my throat to the back of my neck, allowing for the water to do its work to relax my aching muscles. I toss my head back and shake my wet hair out of my eyes and look up to the ceiling. I turn myself around, letting the water cascade down my torso, the warmth of the steam caressing up against my flesh. It feels good, almost too good.
I continue to run my hands around my neck to loosen any stiffness. I then reach over for the small bar of soap wrapped in that cheap paper. I tear it off and toss it out of the shower carelessly. I reach for the already damp wash cloth and start to lather it up. I then place the soap down and start to run the plush washcloth over my arms, a rich layer of lather coating my skin, all the while the water rinsing it from me at the same time. I move to my shoulders and then down over my chest, and down further over my stomach, and finally to my cock. I then wrap the cloth over it and start to wash it. I take several deep breaths as I feel the soap do its work, my eyes fluttering closed at the building sensations. I pause for yet for the umpteenth time this evening.
Another memory. This time, when we -had- managed time to shower together, you were the one washing me clean. I could see it in your eyes the immense pleasure you took from it. I remember how your very touches sparked intense fires in me, and you weren't even trying to excite me, but you were, whether you knew it or not at the time. My hands again ran through your wet hair as you ran the cloth in and under between my legs, your eyes flickering up and down as you went about your work. I felt myself then and there seemingly freefall to where my back kissed the wall of the shower. You scooted ever closer, laughing and telling me I needed to stay still if I wanted to be clean. I smirked and rolled my eyes at this, you teasing little brat. The cloth in your hand moved its way in between my legs further up and underneath my cock, right around the anus and that decadently sweet spot that separates it from my balls. Your face was ever so close , oh my fucking GOD was it ever! I could take no more of the torment at that point. My eyes sealed themselves shut, and with one hand supporting myself against the wall, and the other gripping your hair tighter, I growled out, "Suck me off Mine. Suck me off NOW!" I felt a short pause, and then a splash of water as the cloth seemed to fall from your hand, which then raised up and joined your other one on my hips. Oh then I felt your very warm tongue lapping at me, right along side of my bellybutton, your smoldering breath caressing my flesh, scalding it more than the water itself could ever have. You seemed to take to my command with great eagerness as your deep, anticipatory moans reached my ears. I shuddered with the machinations of your tongue on my flesh and you haven't even taken me into your mouth yet, and when you finally did, my body arched and I gasped with much heat emitting from my throat. Your hot mouth around my swollen cock, sucking at it madly, licking, lapping, and caressing. Your groans vibrating against it forced another erotic shiver from me and aroused me so much further. I could hear you whimpering from what you were doing, and your fingers grasped my hips even tighter. I remember then while keeping a firm grip in your hair, thrusting my hips forward and hard, fucking your sweet, hot mouth thoroughly. Your whimpers picked up, growing louder and louder with each pass. Then I eased up, and started to force your head further and deeper onto my cock, controlling how much of me you took in. Your cat-like tongue did its work rather quickly, as it ran all along the underside of my length in skillful, fluid strokes. I recall pulling your head more forward then, making you take me whole. Oh my fucking god yes! I threw my own head back as my orgasm started building and I completely let go of you, returning unto you that control. You seemed to sense that my pleasure was coming close, because you picked up the pace, faster and unrelenting, sparing me no mercy. My breathing became jagged and heavy, as I endeavored to enjoy it to the fullest, but there came a point to where I could no longer hold back. I gave a loud, shrill cry, almost like a roar as my hand suddenly flew back to your hair without thinking and pushed your face all the way down, and then slammed my hips several times into your waiting mouth. My eyes grew quite wide as my pleasure swept through me, blowing my mind to pieces like thousands of tiny shards of glass. While it was going on, I felt your lips tightly seal themselves around, drinking my seed down and greedily sucking it harder to ensure that you got every last drop. As it subsided, I pulled you off of me and reached down to wrap my arms around you, pulling you tightly to me, both of us very spent after such an exercise. Your arms in kind wrapped around my back. Both of us, our skin shimmering from perspiration, clung to each other and attempted to catch our breathing back, as I turned briefly to kiss that sweaty forehead of yours. Hell, you jokingly said we needed another shower!
This time there is no turning back. There is no escape for me. I can't fight it any longer, try as I might. The sensations coupled by these beautiful memories intensifying them further, I step unsteadily towards the back of the shower, the wet washcloth held fast around my awakened cock with my hand that was washing it. My head lazily rolls back and comes to the wall with a soft thump. My back however is not so fortunate, as it touches the wall, I can feel the breath literally pried harshly from my lungs. My hand starts pumping, in slow, easy circles. My eyes close while my head starts to spin at a dizzying rate. My mouth agape, and my breath catching in my throat. Slow, even strokes torment my cock further, and I can feel it ripening in my hand. My back arches off of the wall, as I move a little faster. My teeth grit tight, following up by deep, low moan that carries on for several seconds. More and more images were now flying in my head as I continue to pleasure myself. Images of you, picturing that it's not my hand but the warm confines of your heated mouth, your strong jaws, your tight lips that were almost like a vacuum, drawing my seed from me with unhindered force. Oh fuck how I burn, burn hard to feel your creamy flesh against mine again! To have your beautiful, sweet presence on your knees so very close to me, to where I can manipulate that innocence all over again, to corrupt you and re-open your eyes to who and what I truly am, to that world in which I introduced you! To draw you back into my thrall, safe and untouched, inoculated from the poisons of those who would take you from me. To ensure you had everything you ever wanted. To possess you in every fathomable way, just as before.
My free hand falls flat to the wall, and my head tilts to one side as I gasp for -any- life-giving air. That in itself, is hard to find because the room is seemingly coated with steam rising all around me. I draw the cloth up towards my swollen head, and run my thumb over it alone, and my back again is arching hard. 'Oh God! Oh fuck!' I attempt to mutter to myself as my moans become louder against my will. Faster and faster my thumb moves, my hips instinctively jutting upwards. A vision of your tongue digging deeply into the eye is forcing itself into my thoughts now, and that is only propelling me onward. It is as if I can feel your hands actually dragging downwards, tearing into my sensitive flesh. Oh God I am so LOST now! See what the fuck you do to me!?!?!?! This is all your fault!
'AHHHH!' I gasp huskily, as I return the cloth and my hand back around the entire length of my cock. A corner of the cloth slips and brushes up against my balls, and instantly, I envision your tongue moving from the head, down the thick shaft and underneath, bouncing each of my testicles on your tongue like they were Chinese medicine balls. My breathing is becoming erratic, with the misty droplets of the steam filling my lungs instead of oxygen. If I am not already suffocating, I soon will be.
The wet bristles of the cloth graze along my cock like teeth lightly dragging downwards. My hand rolls itself along the entire length, gradually speeding up. The onset rush of intensity is starting to become too much even for me to bear, and I can feel my entire body tightening. I seethe with pleasure through my gritted teeth, and my entire mind is starting to spiral dizzily downwards, ever descending deeper into that chasm of no return. I am a slave too it would seem: a slave to my own passions, and my insatiable hungers.
Oh lord no! Not ANOTHER memory! God, when will this endless torture end? Why cannot I not beat this back? Oh God it is driving me mad!
It was right before I took off to TNA, which was the last time I saw you for quite sometime. You and I had decided to stay the night together in the hotel. You had lit several white tea lights and strewn them along the table, the dresser, and upon both nightstands. The ambiance of it held quite an alluring feel to it, it seemed to draw me like like a bee to a flower, waiting to suckle that sweet nectar in order to achieve its prized honey. I remember distinctly what happened that night: you and I made love. That's right I said it, we made love, not the normal depraved and debauchery-filled evenings we were used to having. I know its quite surprising that someone might not find me capable of such a thing, but believe you me, even -I-, Alex Shelley, know the difference between lovemaking and just downright fucking.
I remember your quivering body, and how it shuddered violently beneath every touch, every pass of my fingers over your sweet flesh. You couldn't keep your eyes open, they kept fluttering, and your murmurs were all I needed to spur me onwards. Our lips seemed joined for hours, and perhaps it was that long, hell I don't remember. Your kisses were soft and tender, and within them I could feel the love you possessed for me, I could feel the fire behind your deepest passions, and it warmed me up inside like nothing I had ever experienced before. As our kisses became deeper and more profound, I laid beside you with our bodies molding together like they were chiseled out of the same marble; a perfect fit. I slid myself into your tight, sweet little hole, all the while holding you within the confines of our kiss. My one hand wound around your waist and pulled you back against my cock more firmly as my other hand stroked your chin. Your hand felt so good as it reached over and entangled itself into my hair, lightly caressing my scalp. I could feel your moans filtering down into my lungs, you providing my means of breathing, and that in itself caused my hips to rock smoother into you. The heat of your inside seemed to devour my cock as I could feel those tight muscles grasping, almost gnawing at me to draw me into you further. I plunged into you then, faster and faster, as the hand around your waist moved to your own cock, thick and full, ready to be touched, explored, manipulated. I took it firmly in my hand and started to lightly pump, running the flat of my palm over the head of it. I felt you shudder once more into me as I did so, and then my hand returned to your thick shaft, my thumb and forefinger forming a small circle and sliding it up and down your sex. Your helpless whimpers replaced the moans in my throat, and my hips started to take on a mind of their own. We broke the kiss for only a brief moment to attempt to recover breath, but it was not long before our mouths once more locked in a furious battle of wet tongues. Our bodies were starting to become immersed with sweat, and the candles in the room took on a life of their own, lending their flames to the sensuality of what was occurring. The soft glow seemed to wrap around us, and encouraging us to keep going. My whole entire body started to shake and tighten as I felt my orgasm approaching, but I resigned myself to the fact that we would come together. I started grunting as my speed picked up all the more, both in your tight ass and your thickness. We seemed to move in perfect harmony with each other, your body rocking into mine as our pleasures continued to mount, and when I could not hold back myself any longer, the hand on your chin turned it sharply facing the window, and inserted two of my fingers past your lips and started fucking your mouth with them. Your lips sealed themselves around and drew them in eagerly while your eyes closed tightly shut. I felt your body constricting as you yourself could not hold back either.
And then it hit. Both of us. Wave upon wave of unyielding pleasure swept through us most viciously as I felt you bite down hard on my fingers as I started to slam into you harder and harder, almost carelessly as my seed filled you up on the inside, My own mouth lunging for the back of your neck and I too, bit down hard as I growled animalistically in reaction. My other hand continued to pump you tirelessly until I felt your bite harder as your seed started spilling liberally all over my fingers, which in turn continued to slide up and down your cock until you were totally spent, until I had drawn it all out. My fingers coated your cock with the white stickiness and as our pleasures subsided, I slid my fingers from your mouth and slowly eased up on your neck. I was still inside you and I smiled, my other hand slipping from your sex and up around your back and neck, and up the back of your spine. I ran those sticky fingers over the small indentations I had left in your neck. Yes, I had marked you as Mine. You knew it and I knew it, and that's all that mattered. I slowly eased myself out of you and nestled in closely to you. You turned your head and in your glassy eyes, you silently asked for a kiss. I, of course, was more than happy to oblige you, and this kiss was laden with immense, loving affection. I then drew the sheets over us, and wrapped my arms lazily around your waist, pulling you snugly to me as I laid my head directly behind yours. Our soaked bodies started to wind down as we both fell into a blissful, peaceful rest amidst the afterglow.
Oh by holy GOD, I cannot hold back any longer! My head presses hard against the back of slippery shower, and my hand starts pumping faster and faster, literally slamming it against the root with each agonizing stroke. My breath is all gone now as I am gasping for air. My eyes seal shut, and I am hissing through my teeth with profound pleasure. I can hear myself crying out as my body can handle all it will withstand and my knees feel like they are about ready to buckle from underneath me. I am so deliriously enthralled with this intoxicating rapture that I have no reign on my senses: I am not sure if the heat in here is because of the steam coating the weathered tiles, or from me sweating bullets from this sweet anticipation.
My wet right hand desperately reaches around with splayed fingers, attempting to find something to grab hold onto to steady myself, but to no avail. My eyes sew themselves shut as I cannot fight this intensity for another second. I cry out much louder now, as massive waves of pleasure ripple through my form, as my seed comes forth, spurting downwards into the tub. My every nerve cell in my being is imploding in uncompromising ecstasy. Behind my sealed eyes, it feels like thousands of tiny stars being born before them. My mind is reeling, my senses sharp, I drive myself further and faster, not wanting to let this moment go ever. No. I must hold it close to me. My teeth grit once more as I hiss through them with hot, exasperating breaths, my pleasures.
Soon after it begins, it subsides, this beauteous moment that shattered my mind like a thousand, miniscule pieces of glass, and slowly, slowly I slide down the worn tiles to where I sit at the the bottom of the tub, leaning up against the wall. My eyes blink open, attempting to acclimate them back into the light. The stars have faded, and it took me several seconds to grab my bearings. ' What the fuck just happened? ' I inquire of myself as I draw my legs up and prop my forearms on my knees. My head finds its way to be held up by my hands, fingers cinching into my hair tightly endeavoring to recover from that most heated and suffocating experience.
Then it dawns on me. Yes. It becomes quite clear. The answers I have been seeking have made themselves known to me, and in their midst, a painful realization, something I have long feared:
God damn you Roderick Strong. God damn you to fucking hell for causing me to break one of my own cardinal teachings.
The white cloth continues to soak up the water from the downpour. It splashes up against me as well, but I don't care: The gashes produced by this revelation are still having their way with me. The swelling pain I feel inside I do not understand how to cope with, and I doubt I ever shall. I think you shall remain a festering wound forever in the recesses of my mind and heart, torturing me with those glorious memories of us: Memories that will remain that, and never occur again.
God. Damn. You.
Oh for chrissakes, now I am going to need another shower, fucking marvelous!