The lies that break you within

DISCLAIMER: I don’t own SG-1… If I did, I would not have killed off Janet… Bra’tac most defiantly, Janet, Never! But none the less, I’m a poor college student who likes to write when she has a strangle hold on a plot bunny….. Again, I don’t own SG-1, but that doesn’t keep me from wishing…..


THE LIES THAT BREAK YOU WITHIN


I can still see her blood on my hands. Feel the softness of her lips on my finger tips.

I’ve been living a lie ever since she died.

I’ve been wearing a mask of my former self since I buried her.

Just living day to day has an empty shell. Watching life through a window, not caring. But what is living anyways? I’ve been asking that question for months now. Living is breathing, moving, caring, and a happy loving person. Living is being real. Living is humanity’s definition of happy with your self and others.

Those are the answers I tried to make myself believe.

But lately, my mask was starting to break; the lies behind it were starting to pile to high.

I want to fall into the darkness forever. I want to feel the chilling, comforting pain as I fall in the darkness. Then in my last moments, I will be my real self again.

Living is tougher then what most people believe. To me, at least. But I know if I felt myself again, that I would be living. Like the rest of the guys. It would be hard to leave them behind, I love them, and I really do. But they will get over it eventually.
They don’t want me around anymore, I bet.

I’m in the bathroom at Jack’s place. The guys are in the living room having a few beers. I said that I wasn’t feeling too good, so I excused myself from the room.

I walked in the bathroom and shut the door. Peace. No one around. That is how I want to die. I plan to do it tonight, in this very room. Everything is ready. Tied up all my loose ends. I pull out the blade out of my pocket. I gather myself. I’m ready.

But a knock on the door stops me from tearing my wrist open.

“Daniel?”

It’s Jack.

“Hey spacemonkey, are you ok?”

“Yea, it’s just the base’s food coming back for a visit.” I said, staring at the door.

“You know,” he paused. “A good fart will make that stop.”

“Yea,” I said “I’ll try that.”

“Well, hurry up, Carter wants to go to O’Malley’s soon, and you know how Teal’c gets when he misses a meal.” He said walking away.

I’m beginning to have second thoughts. Can I really do this? Can I really just take my life? Just give up everything in a heartbeat? Maybe. Fuck! Just do it dammit!

Aw, shit, now I scared myself. I can’t do it. But I will. Nothing can stop me. Now even loved ones. Now even my own fears. I’m calming down. The beer is starting to kick in. Good.

Next thing I know, I see my hand reach for the knife on the bathroom counter. I pick it up. It shines from the light overhead. I smile a thin smile as I cut right to the vein. Not like the fake pussies. I went straight for it. The blood pours out fast and hits me in the face. It’s hot and heavy. Some fly in my mouth and the taste is coppery and metallic.

I don’t wince. This is my moment of glory. I wipe some blood off my arm and write my message on the wall.

The bathroom door opens and Sam walks in. She looks at me and stops dead. She looks like a burglar getting caught in the act. Then she races to me screaming.

Fuck, this wasn’t supposed to happen. Jack and Teal’c run in. No one was supposed to see this. I can’t speak anymore. The reaper has me by the throat now. The blood is still spraying out of my one wrist. It’s soaked into my clothes now.

Sam grabs me and holds me against her chest. Teal’c is trying to stop the bleeding. Jack is on the phone with 911. I feel none of this. Sam is screaming something I can’t hear.

I look up at Jack, smiling, but he wasn’t looking at me. He was looking at the wall.

The reaper pulls me into the darkness. I see the face of death herself and I remember the message I wrote…


It’s said: “I’m sick of the screaming in my dreaming.”