Atonement
folder
G through L › Lost
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
2,642
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Category:
G through L › Lost
Rating:
Adult +
Chapters:
1
Views:
2,642
Reviews:
2
Recommended:
0
Currently Reading:
0
Disclaimer:
I do not own Lost, nor any of the characters from it. I do not make any money from the writing of this story.
Atonement
TITLE: Atonement
AUTHOR: Soulless Angel
FANDOM: Lost
PAIRING: Sayid/Sawyer sort of
RATING: PG13
DISCLAIMER: I don‘t own a damn thing, except a very fertile (and sometimes slightly kinky) imagination. I am making no money out of this, it is purely for fun.
WARNING: Contains some minor spoilers for season 1 episode 9
SUMMARY: Sayid comes to a realisation.
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it, it’s yours, just let me know where you’re taking it so I can stop by for a visit.
He hadn’t even realised it until that crazy French woman had asked about the woman in his photograph.
Under duress, the ever-present threat of electrocution should she think he was lying, Sayid had told her the whole sorry story. He’d told her how his entire belief system had been shattered by the arrival of a long forgotten childhood friend, how her unerring devotion to her cause, her refusal to give up even in the face of explicit and agonising torture, had crept almost unnoticed at first into the very furthest recesses of his soul and made him doubt himself. Nadia’s strength and courage had imbued him with a strength of his own, one that propelled him to at last, do what was right even though he would most certainly be punished severely by his superiors for his betrayal. He even told her that despite his best efforts, Nadia had been killed anyway, and that he held himself responsible.
“You were in love with her?” She’d asked when he at last fell silent, his tale told.
“No.” He’d answered, with absolute honesty. His feelings for Nadia, deep and life altering though they were, had never amounted to more than friendship. He loved her, yes, but he’d never been IN love with her, he couldn’t, his attractions, though never acted upon for fear of reprisal from his friends and from his God, had always been to those of his own gender.
It was then that he’d come to this realisation. After Nadia’s death, unable to come to terms with his part in it, he’d exiled himself from his old life, leaving behind everyone and everything he’d ever known. He was a different man now than he had been then. He was a man with no constraints other than those he imposed upon himself. His sexuality had not been subject to such constraints. He was free, should he wish, to explore his attractions, to enjoy them, to expand upon them. The thought, though liberating was also, disturbing to him, having been raised to believe that such relationships were sinful.
It was lucky then, that his desire to rejoin the other survivors, (he hadn’t known how much he’d miss them until he’d become Danielle’s prisoner, hadn‘t know that he would need them so) gave him something else to focus his thoughts on.
His escape had almost failed. For one terrible moment, he’d thought that his time had come but crazy though she was, Danielle was not a cruel woman, just lonely and scared and slightly delusional. When he got back he would ask Jack to help her.
As he made his trek through the jungle, two days out and two days back with nothing but them to occupy his mind, a second, slower dawning but far more disturbing realisation had come to him. It concerned a man he despised. A shallow, loathsome, opportunistic, scavenger who’s only saving grace was that he didn’t expect or want Sayid’s approval. A liar and a thief who seemed to go out of his way to make life difficult for everyone, himself included, a man Sayid had almost enjoyed torturing, despite the vow he’d made to himself that he would never again hurt another human being that way. Perhaps that was why he hated Sawyer so much, Sawyer made him angry, made him nervous, made him want to be that man again, the one he used to be. But more than that Sawyer made him feel alive, made his blood boil and his skin prickle and the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end, Sawyer made him feel things other than pain, things he’d never taken the time to imagine before now.
Though he was loathe to admit it, Sayid could no longer deny that he was attracted to Sawyer.
Maybe he thought, in a desperate attempt to justify his feelings, his attraction to the insufferable Texan was a punishment for all his sins, or maybe it was a product of his desire to help someone the way Nadia had helped him. Maybe Nadia was watching over him, pushing him towards Sawyer, maybe Sawyer was to be his atonement. And maybe there was no more to it than sex, maybe he just wanted to have Sawyer, to own him, use him. Maybe, he wanted Sawyer to do those things to him.
Sayid couldn’t pretend to understand, he’d only make himself ill from trying, but he knew one thing. When he got back to the camp he was going to try and make amends with the other man. He would apologise, on bended knee if he had to for what he had done to him, he would offer Sawyer his friendship, his support. What Sawyer chose to do with these offerings, well, that was entirely up to him.
THE END
AUTHOR: Soulless Angel
FANDOM: Lost
PAIRING: Sayid/Sawyer sort of
RATING: PG13
DISCLAIMER: I don‘t own a damn thing, except a very fertile (and sometimes slightly kinky) imagination. I am making no money out of this, it is purely for fun.
WARNING: Contains some minor spoilers for season 1 episode 9
SUMMARY: Sayid comes to a realisation.
DISTRIBUTION: If you want it, it’s yours, just let me know where you’re taking it so I can stop by for a visit.
He hadn’t even realised it until that crazy French woman had asked about the woman in his photograph.
Under duress, the ever-present threat of electrocution should she think he was lying, Sayid had told her the whole sorry story. He’d told her how his entire belief system had been shattered by the arrival of a long forgotten childhood friend, how her unerring devotion to her cause, her refusal to give up even in the face of explicit and agonising torture, had crept almost unnoticed at first into the very furthest recesses of his soul and made him doubt himself. Nadia’s strength and courage had imbued him with a strength of his own, one that propelled him to at last, do what was right even though he would most certainly be punished severely by his superiors for his betrayal. He even told her that despite his best efforts, Nadia had been killed anyway, and that he held himself responsible.
“You were in love with her?” She’d asked when he at last fell silent, his tale told.
“No.” He’d answered, with absolute honesty. His feelings for Nadia, deep and life altering though they were, had never amounted to more than friendship. He loved her, yes, but he’d never been IN love with her, he couldn’t, his attractions, though never acted upon for fear of reprisal from his friends and from his God, had always been to those of his own gender.
It was then that he’d come to this realisation. After Nadia’s death, unable to come to terms with his part in it, he’d exiled himself from his old life, leaving behind everyone and everything he’d ever known. He was a different man now than he had been then. He was a man with no constraints other than those he imposed upon himself. His sexuality had not been subject to such constraints. He was free, should he wish, to explore his attractions, to enjoy them, to expand upon them. The thought, though liberating was also, disturbing to him, having been raised to believe that such relationships were sinful.
It was lucky then, that his desire to rejoin the other survivors, (he hadn’t known how much he’d miss them until he’d become Danielle’s prisoner, hadn‘t know that he would need them so) gave him something else to focus his thoughts on.
His escape had almost failed. For one terrible moment, he’d thought that his time had come but crazy though she was, Danielle was not a cruel woman, just lonely and scared and slightly delusional. When he got back he would ask Jack to help her.
As he made his trek through the jungle, two days out and two days back with nothing but them to occupy his mind, a second, slower dawning but far more disturbing realisation had come to him. It concerned a man he despised. A shallow, loathsome, opportunistic, scavenger who’s only saving grace was that he didn’t expect or want Sayid’s approval. A liar and a thief who seemed to go out of his way to make life difficult for everyone, himself included, a man Sayid had almost enjoyed torturing, despite the vow he’d made to himself that he would never again hurt another human being that way. Perhaps that was why he hated Sawyer so much, Sawyer made him angry, made him nervous, made him want to be that man again, the one he used to be. But more than that Sawyer made him feel alive, made his blood boil and his skin prickle and the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end, Sawyer made him feel things other than pain, things he’d never taken the time to imagine before now.
Though he was loathe to admit it, Sayid could no longer deny that he was attracted to Sawyer.
Maybe he thought, in a desperate attempt to justify his feelings, his attraction to the insufferable Texan was a punishment for all his sins, or maybe it was a product of his desire to help someone the way Nadia had helped him. Maybe Nadia was watching over him, pushing him towards Sawyer, maybe Sawyer was to be his atonement. And maybe there was no more to it than sex, maybe he just wanted to have Sawyer, to own him, use him. Maybe, he wanted Sawyer to do those things to him.
Sayid couldn’t pretend to understand, he’d only make himself ill from trying, but he knew one thing. When he got back to the camp he was going to try and make amends with the other man. He would apologise, on bended knee if he had to for what he had done to him, he would offer Sawyer his friendship, his support. What Sawyer chose to do with these offerings, well, that was entirely up to him.
THE END