Threads.."Character" style

Threads..."Characters" Style

Author: Chaff and Dee

Rating: NC-17

Pairings: J/D J/Ofc S/P

Category: Slash, Het.. Angst(us the readers) H/C Humor,

Season: EIGHT

Spoilers: THREADS

Synopsis; Rewrite of an eppy we couldn't stand.

Disclaimers: Don't own. Just trying to fix an eppy that needed it.

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Character death, language, HET!! etc...

Disclaimer: Do not own the characters. Do not own the show. Just borrowing the characters, and will return them unharmed. Enough said!

***SPOILERS*****

~~~Threads...'Characters' style~~~~

Slash Writer and Co-Slash Writer digest the episode they just watched.

Slash Writer(SW): "Oh, God! Please tell me I did not see what I thought I
did?"

Co-Slash Writer (Co-SW): "Yep. Sam and Jack fans are having a field day right
now. Het... yuck!"

Co-SW goes over to her computer.

SW: "What'cha doing?"

Co-SW: "Trying to wash that disgusting taste from my mouth. We've got to
rewrite it. That episode was just.... bad"

SW: "Well, let's get to it."

They fiddle with the computer and start typing.

"Co-SW: "Well first we need to have Jack showing some care toward the fact
that Daniel is missing."

SW: "Yeah, and get rid of that curly haired chick that was in bed with him..."

Kerry: "HEY!"

Co-SW: "Done... I'll just add myself in her place.."

SW: Rolling her eyes, "Daniel wouldn't like that very much."

Background voice: "Damn right!"

Co-SW: Sighing."Fine then. Now, where do we start.. There is so much that
needs a fixin'"

SW: " How about getting Carter out of the way. I mean, she was pathetic. I
felt sooo bad for Pete."

Pete: "Thank you! Someone actually cares."

Co-SW: "Your welcome."

Suddenly the room gets brighter.

Co-SW: "I got an idea!"

SW: "Oh, boy."

Co-SW: "No, it's a good idea. Now, this break up scene.... Never happened.
Sam was excited about the house. Her and Pete went inside of it, and made love."

Pete: "Hell Yeah. I like that much better."

Sam: "I don't. It didn't happen like that."

Co-SW: "You wouldn't."

SW: "Sorry, no one cares what you want.. You and Pete do that happier ever
after thing."

Sam: "That is not the way....."

She is cut off suddenly by another voice.

Daniel: "Hey, what about me. Does anyone here care that I died... again?"

SW & Co-SW: "Yeah...the damn writers killed Daniel...again"

Everyone: "BASTARDS!!"

Co-SW: "Don't fret it. We have a great sex scene written for Jack and
yourself. Jack is going to be comforting your hurt real good."

Jack: "Cool!"

Sam: "Not Cool. That is not going to happen. Jack... I mean..the General is
mine."

Co-SW: "Get over yourself lady. YOU have NOTHING on Daniel. Trust us on that."

Daniel: "Thank you."

Pete: "This is soooo cool. I'm gonna get some... "

Sam: "Yeah, with Rosy Palm. Don't think your going to be inside me any time
soon. I've
had better."

Co-SW has evil smirk on her face....

Co-SW: "That's what you think."

Starts typing away.

Sam still fights her.

SW: "God, your pathetic. Jack DOES NOT love you!!! Get over it!"

Sam: "Yes he does. He comforted me when my father died."

Co-SW: "That he did. And I'm sorry, I had to leave the room for that scene,
but he did it only to make you feel better."

Daniel: yells out, "And under duress!"

Sam: "He did it under his own control. No one forced him. He put his arm
around my shoulder, like this..."

She shows them using her hands.

SW: "Jesus, you are demented. Maybe we should consider having her sent to
Mental health, and giving Pete a new love interest."

Pete: "I'll go for that.... Who you got in mind, "Dr. Brightman, that curly
haired chick who was sleeping with....... "

Kerry: "My name is Kerry!!!"

Co-SW: "Was thinking more of Teal'c. Give him a sex life.."

SW: "Yeah, since it seems Sam's men have a habit of dying. Or she turns them."

Pete: "You know, I wouldn't even mind Walter right now. Even Siler. Anyone
besides Psycho Blondie there."

Sam: "I object! Let the episode stand. No fix-its"

Daniel: "Fix it! Fix it! I'm getting tired of winding up naked."

Co-SW looks up in exasperation and holds down the 'delete' key.

Co-SW: "Damn! There goes that scene."

Sam interrupts, trying to throw the SW and Co-SW off track.

Sam: "What about Anubis and Ba'al. Don't you want to fix...."

Anubis and Ba'al: "Yes, what about us..?!"

SW: "Well, we could hook Sam up with Ba'al. Solve our problems."

Sam: "I don't think so."

Co-SW: "NO! We can't do that to him. I mean, he might be evil and all.
Torturing Jack like that.."

Jack: "Hell yeah!"

Co-SW: "But, even pure evil doesn't deserve to be subjected to Sam. Anyway,
he's .. well...he's HOT!!"

SW: "True. We couldn't do that to Ba'al. Even the Goul'd don't deserve it."

Anubis: "What about me?"

SW: "You were better looking with the cloak and face mask."

Anubis: Sniff'

Co-SW: "Ya, know. I like the bad boy routine...can I have a scene with Ba'al?"

SW: "NO! Now, can we please continue.."

Ba'al: "I wouldn't mind a scene with...."

Everyone ignores him.

Co-SW winks at him. and whispers out, "Later."

Annoyed, SW starts reading the screen.

SW: "After hearing Daniel's voice, Jack rushes to the open door. Seeing
Daniel, he then grabs the flag from the pole and goes inside.
He shuts, then locks the door. Leaving the others at the table. Once inside,
he makes his way over to Daniel and starts to...."

Sam: "That is NOT the way it happened!!"

Co-SW: "God! Why are you fighting us.Your father just died. Go.....mourn or
something. Your acting like you couldn't give a shit about him."

Sam: "My father?! Oh. He would want me to fight for what's mine...Jack is
mine."

Daniel: "That's so... Mm mm, That must be why he's ... um... harder... He's
.. with... hm..." groans and moans follow..

Jack: "YES!! GOD YES!!"

SW: Snickering, "Sure, Sam. That surely sounds like he's yours."

Sam: " I don't hear anything. Have no idea what your talking about."

Daniel: "YES!! JAACK!!!! Oh God...."

SW: "Suuure."

Sam: "Well, shouldn't you be writing about the Jaffa's battle against Anubis.
There was more to the episode then just Ja.. the General, and myself."

SW: "We don't write stories like that."

Co-SW: "Too long. You need patience to write like that. We lack them."

Jack: Out of breath and buttoning his shirt, "So, what we miss?"

Co-SW: "Nothing at all."

Sam: "Sir.. I was thinking, I mean you've asked me before.. I would love to
go to the cabin to go fishing with you."

SW: "How pathetic.."

Daniel: under his breath, "If she does, the only fishing HE'LL be doing, is
looking for her body."

Ba'al & Co-SW: "Hm...."

SW: "Okay, that's scary."

Sam: Ignoring everyone. She batts her eyelashes. "Sir. I'm willing now to
give up my career for you."

Daniel: Growls.

SW: "Oh, Lord. Doesn't she realize, it's over. He doesn't love her."

Co-SW: "Guess not. She's so dense. She'll never give in."


Sam: "I won't EVER give in. My perseverance is symbolic of my love for the
General."


Co-SW: "It's symbolic of your struggle against reality!"


SW: "Hello? Jack don't want to play in Sam's toy box. He wants to play in
Daniel's."

Sam: Not willing to go down without a fight,"He wants ME! I know he does!"



Co-SW:Sighing, "The delusions of the happy ending."

SW: "Freud?"

Co-SW: "Monty Python."

SW: "Oh, lord."

Sam: "So, Sir..When do you want to leave."

Daniel: "Excuse me. He isn't going anywhere with you."

Jack sits back, enjoying them fight over him.

Daniel: Eying his lover. "And if Jack ever wants to play in my backyard
again, he will end this now."

SW & Co-SW: "Ruht Roh."

Jack: "Anubis!.....sick her!"

Anubis: Annoyed at being insulted, "Wash your OWN dirty laundry!"

Jack: "Well...you can use her as a sex slave or something."

Anubis: "Ewwwww....I wouldn't touch HER with Ba'al's dick!"

Pete: "Man, I need to raise my standards."

Jack: Looking a bit green around the gills,"Yeah...I see your point. Sorry."

Sam: "Sir.. Jack you want me. I know you

Co-SW get's some writing in....

Sam disappears in a blinding light.

Daniel: "Cool." Now turning back to Jack. "Where were we."

Jack: "I don't remember. We are going to have to refresh my memory."

...............

IN SPACE:

Sam: "What the hell am I doing here?"

Thor: "I believe the exact words were, Getting a reality check."

Sam: "I demand you return me to earth."

Thor: "Sorry, Colonel Carter. We can not turn around. You will be stuck with
us for a few earth days."

Sam screams:"NOOOO!!!"

.............

The end.