Confessions

Sara heard a knock at her door. Beer in hand she went to answer it.

“Well, if you're here, it can't be good.” She had never seen Grissom at her door; he never came on a social call, least of all to Sara’s apartment.

“Can I come in?” Grissom awkwardly asked.

Sara let him in and waved around her beer bottle. “Want to ask me if I'm drunk?” She was trying to lighten the mood. She knew she was in trouble after the night’s events. But she didn’t feel bad about it.

”We both know that's not your problem. I spoke to Catherine.” His tone was soft.

“Ecklie?”

“He wants me to fire you.” But I won’t let him.

”I figured.” She paused collecting her thoughts. “Can I get you anything?”

”Sure. An explanation.” He asked with care in his eyes.

”I...lost my temper.” That should do it.

”That seems to be happening quite a bit. Do you know why?” Come on Sara, open up to me.

”What difference does it make? I'm still fired.” Its alright, I need out of this town anyway.

He spoke gentle words. “It makes a difference to me.” Contrary to what you may think, I do care about you.

”I have a problem with authority.” She made sure he knew she was referencing him. “I choose
men who are emotionally unavailable.” Another reference to him. “ I'm self-destructive. All of the
above.” Figured it out yet Griss?

”Have you ever gone a week without a rationalization?” Sara stared perplexedly at him trying to collect her thoughts as to what to say to him. :It's from The Big Chill. One of the characters explaining a basic fact of life -- rationalizations are more important to us than...sex even.”

”I'm not rationalizing anything. I crossed the line with Catherine and I was...insubordinate to Ecklie.” Both of them deserved it! I don’t feel sorry for what I did.

”Why?” He was reaching for more, she had come so far.

Sara replied. “Leave it alone.”

”NO, Sara.” He persisted.

”What do you want from me?” She asked hesitant for the reply.

“I want to know why you're so angry.” Sara’s stare could have melted ice. Come on Sara, please talk to me. I can’t help you if you won’t let me. Her stare made him feel vulnerable. He wondered how he hadn’t seen this before, what changed?


Sara began her sordid tale. Grissom joined her in the living room. “It's funny...the things that you remember and the things that you don't, you know. There was a...smell of iron in the air. Cast-off on the bedroom wall. There was this young cop puking his guts...I remember the woman who took me to foster care. I can't remember her name. Which is strange, you know, 'cause I couldn't let go of her hand.” This was hard for her to tell him. To tell anyone it had been bottled up for so many years, but maybe it was time. She needed to get over it and move on. Her lips quivered and her eyes were perched on something across the room, she knew if she looked at him she would not be able to hold back the tears.

”Well, the mind has its filters.” He spoke almost as if it was from experience. His heart ached as she told her story, he didn’t feel pity, it was more a case of empathy, the same empathy she had for abuse victims, and he understood why she felt so strongly about such cases.

”I do remember the looks. I became the girl whose father was stabbed to death.” She paused to regain her composure. “Do you think there's a murder gene?” I don’t want to think I could be like my mother.

”I don't believe that genes are a predictor of violent behaviour.” Sara isn’t like that; I don’t think she could kill anyone, Catherine yes, but not Sara.

Sara sobbed. “You wouldn't know that in my house. The fights, the yelling, the trips to the hospital. I thought it was the way that everybody lived. When my mother killed my father, I found out that it wasn't.” The floodgates open up and Sara cried uncontrollably. He wanted to tell her that the yelling would have been welcomed in his house. There was nothing but silence. His parents wouldn’t even talk to each other. His father just left, not warning, just left. He only realized he wasn’t coming back after a few weeks passed and he didn’t see him.

Grissom was unsure of what to do. He wasn’t good at expressing his feelings, never had been. He stared at her. He didn’t know what else to do. He thought that maybe if he stared he would get some answers, they never came. He felt such pain for her. He hated to see her hurting so badly. He loved her so much and it pained him to see her like this. He didn’t want to scare by being too forward. He was always awkward in personal situations; his parents were never very affectionate. He reached out and squeezed her hand. He didn’t want to scare her. He wanted her to know he was there for her. He hated seeing her like this, frightened and vulnerable. This wasn’t the Sara he first knew, this Sara was wounded and crying for help. Why didn’t she tell him about this, didn’t she trust him? Why would she, I have been an ass to her lately, I wouldn’t have talked to me either.

Sara stopped crying and held his gaze. Tears were streaming down her face. He removed his hand from hers and pulled her into a full embrace. He cradled her to his chest trying to sooth her sobs.

“Sara, honey, its going to be ok. I promise you we will get through this together.”

Sara didn't speak as he pulled her into his arms. Her sobs finally subsided.

“Sara, what happened?”

“Catherine told you, didn’t she?” She spat in defence of herself.

“I want to hear it from you.” His tone was soft and concerned.

She breathed deeply and brought her head up to look at him. “I casted the face of the girl in the brick. I was helping Catherine just like you told me to. I did a great job. After I did that, I looked through old files of abuse victims.” Her lips trembled as she spoke.

“That is always hard for you, isn’t it?” He had seen her reaction to abuse victims, Kaye Shelton, Pam Alders, there were more, and there always would be more in this line of work. Sara always felt their pain and now he understood why.

She nodded. “I found her file. Her name was Svetlana Melton. She had been beaten before.”

“What happened in the interview?”

“I knew he was lying. I saw it in his eyes; he had dealt with the police before. I’m sure they showed at his door for beating his wife and he lied to their face. His wife didn’t even speak English. She couldn’t even tell anyone she was being abused. A disposable wife, I’m sure that’s what he was looking for, dispose of the old one and move on to this new one. I couldn’t stand it anymore. I lost it. Remember Scott Shelton; I got that same feeling from this guy. I knew he was guilty, I could smell his guilt. Catherine was out of line, telling me I always have a problem with cases like this. She wouldn’t do anything; it was typical Catherine, using her sexuality as a woman to manipulate the situation. I called her on that too. I only wanted to help abuse victims, Griss, Is it that a bad request, to want to help people?”

“No. How did Ecklie get involved in this?”

“He was lurking in the hall. He heard me arguing with Catherine and called me in his office. I couldn’t think straight, all I could think about was this goddamn prick, beating and killing women who couldn’t defend themselves, it wasn’t fair. You should be doing his job, you should be in charge, but because you don’t kiss ass as well as him, you are stuck with Graveyard. You know he has been looking for a reason to hurt Graveyard. This gave him ammunition.

“Typical Ecklie.”

“I know. He brought up my file, said it was thick. My DUI got rehashed and your supervisory skills.” Sara sobbed. “He told me I was a representative of the LVPD and I needed to conduct myself accordingly. I am a professional.” She was crying again.

“Sara you don’t need to defend me.” He noticed she was crying. “Are you alright Sara?”

“Yes, just give me a second.” She regained her thoughts. “He told me that I should treat Catherine with respect now that she is a supervisor. She is seriously taking this supervisory role to the extreme, where is that Cath we once knew? I told him she wasn’t my supervisor. You are my supervisor.” She tried to force a smile.

He chuckled a little.

“He informed me she was my superior, superior my ass. I have solved as many cases as her. She is no better than me. You had to cover for her more times than enough, I guess Ecklie doesn’t realize that.”

“Sara, did you speak with this tone to Ecklie?”

She nodded. “He told me I berate witnesses and I don’t respect my co workers. Me. I try to treat everyone fairly and subjectively. Look how far Warrick and I have come. He hated me when I first came here.”

“Sara, you know that’s not true, its just Ecklie. You are one of the best workers I have ever had. I called you to come here because I knew I could trust you to be subjective.”

She forced a small smile. “He also brought you into this, Grissom. I told him he was only in charge because you didn’t kiss ass. Ecklie told me to apologize to Catherine. I told him I refused to. She didn’t deserve an apology, she went off on me. I’m not surprised he wants to fire me.” She was upset.

“You stood up for me?” He asked somewhat shocked.

“Yes. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Thank you.” He didn’t know what else to say. “I have never had anyone stand up for me, I really appreciate that.”

“No need to thank me, I know you would do it for me.”

He smiled. “I won’t let you lose your job. The lab needs you.” She glared at him she had heard that many times before. “I need you.”

Sara was wiped out this day had been way too long. “I want to go lay down, will you come lay down with me please, I don’t want to be alone.”

He was hesitant. She grabbed his hand and led him to her bedroom.

“Sara…I…I”

“Grissom I just want you to lay down with me, nothing more.” Not that I don’t want more, just not right now.

Apprehensively he got the words out. “Alright.”

He lay down on the top of the bed beside her. He was unsure of what he should do. Sara snuggled in beside him and wrapped his arms around her.

“Is this ok?” She asked testing the boundaries.

“Its fine.” It was more than fine. It was what he dreamed of.

“Will you stay until I fall asleep?”

“If that’s what you want, yes.” She was frightened. He couldn’t leave her until she was asleep. She reminded him of a scared child. He wondered how scared she was when she realized what her mother had done. A frightened childlike Sara invaded his thoughts. He finally knew why Sara reacted the way she did. It all made sense now.

“I do. There is a spare key on my key hook. Take it with you and lock the door behind you.”

“Ok.” She is giving me a key to her house. This is a big step.

He held Sara in his arms until she fell asleep, caressing her tear stained face. He slid out from her embrace and let himself out locking the door behind him. He pocketed the key for later.

As soon as Grissom arrived at the lab he was told to report to Ecklie’s office. Ecklie and Catherine sitting behind the desk greeted him. When did Catherine and Ecklie get so close? Is she in cahoots with Ecklie?

“You wanted to see me about Sara?” Grissom said as he approached the pair.

“I haven’t received her disciplinary action what’s the hold up?” Ecklie questioned pressing his authority.

“Well I’m not firing her.” He interjected standing his ground.

“Well, “Catherine began, “What action are you taking?”

“I’ve taken it.” He was firm. She broke down to me that is disciplinary action enough for her.

“I thought I was clear.” Ecklie choked.

“You were, now let me be clear. Sara’s behavior is a direct result of my management.” How do you like that?

“I should fire you.” Ecklie exclaimed.

“But you wont.” Grissom said sheepishly.

“Look Gil,” He paused. “I’ve been there. We’re human. We get attached to people. We try to fix their problems. It doesn’t work.”

In defensive mode he spoke. “She’s a great criminalist, Conrad and I need her.”

“I’m sure you do.” He replied condescendingly. “You know what, she is a loosed cannon with a gun and she is all yours.”

Now what? He was happy and sad at the same time. He was happy Sara finally let him in, but sad for what she had been through.

“Gil,” Catherine began. “What are you doing?”

“Mind your own business Catherine, you at least owe me that.”

“I don’t owe you anything Gil.” Catherine spat.

“No Catherine I guess you don’t. I see you are in tight with Ecklie now. I wonder if he will cover your ass for you with your indiscretions.”

“What do you mean cover my ass?” She was defensive.

“Where do I begin; Your relationship with Sam Braun, the paternity test done in the lab that got him off of a criminal charge. You blew up the lab. Catherine, do I have to go on?”

Catherine was speechless. Success!

“I’ve had enough of this, I’m going home.” He walked away he couldn’t take anymore.

He jumped in his truck and drove to Sara’s. He took his key and opened her door. He hoped she wouldn’t be mad at him. Taking off his shoes he headed for her bedroom. She was still asleep.

“Sara.” He approached her leaning in towards her. “Sara, I’m back. I hope you aren’t upset I came back.”

“Umm, Griss?” She asked.

“Yes, honey, its me. Can I lay down with you?”

She opened her arms to let him in. “Sure.”

“When did you leave?” She whispered.

“A few hours ago, Ecklie wanted to see me.”

“I’m fired aren’t I?” The disappointment was in her voice. “I guess I deserve it.”

“Actually no. I took the blame, told him your behavior was a direct result of my management.”

“Why did you do that, Griss? He’s going to fire you.”

“I did it for you. Besides, he won’t fire me, he can’t. They need me at that lab, I’ve made it what it is whether he wants to admit it or not.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes, very. Besides, he told me you are mine.” He grinned at the double indenter.

“Why would he do that?”

“Because I told him I needed you.”

“You did?”

“Yes, because I do. You are great at your job, one of the best I have ever seen, besides, I need you.”

She smiled. “I need you too.”

“I confronted Catherine too, I left her speechless.” He was bragging.

“How?” Now she was curious.

“I reminded her of her indiscretions that I looked the other way on.” He said proudly.

“I bet she liked that.” Sara snickered.

“No she didn’t. That’s when I left and came here.”

“I’m glad you did.” She kissed him lightly. Their first kiss sent shivers from one body to the other. He kissed her back with more intensity.

“You will be ok, Sara. I promise.”