What's Gone and Past

Title: What’s Gone and Past
Rating: a cautious NC-17 for a sex scene
Content: mentions of drug use, angsting romance, Slash
Disclaimer: Don’t own any of the characters mentioned herein, and make no implications about their lives or characters. Also make no profit from this.
Pairing: Jeff Hardy/Raven with mentions of Chris Jericho and Brian Pillman
Distribution:Not without permission.

“So what really happened Jeff?” Way back in the days, Jeff and Scotty had been really close. In fact, Scotty was one of the reasons Jeff had chosen to join TNA. He knew that if anyone was going to sort out his problems, it would be Scotty.

The TNA veteran was pleased that Jeff had come back to wrestling, but like everyone, was curious to know what had gone on in WWE to make the young man leave. He, like many others in the industry, had called up Jeff when he’d left WWE, but unlike the others he offered Jeff support, should he need it. And by the look on Jeff’s face, support was exactly what he nd. d.

“I’m not on drugs.” Scotty had guessed that wasn’t the problem. It wasn’t Jeff’s style.

“Chris?”

Jeff looked up, surprised. “How’d you guess?”

“I know you.” Scotty motioned for the bartender to get them another drink. “Was it bad?”

“I couldn’t cope. When he dumped me… I didn’t know why… seeing him every day…” Jeff downed his drink and ordered another, “it hurt too much. I had to get out of there.”

“Slow down on the whisky.”

“Yes dad,” Jeff grinned. He wasn’t really a big drinker anyway.

“Carry on. Did he ever tell you why he ended it?”

“His wife. She found out about us and gave him an ultimatum. I can understand now why he had to do what he did. But then… and even now…” Jeff shook his head. “I don’t wanna think about it.”

“OK. But I’m here, you know that don’t you?” Scotty brushed a few wisps of hair from Jeff’s face and tucked them behind his ear. There had always been an easy familiarity between them like this.

“I loved him Scotty.”

“I know.”

They sat in silence for a while, and then Jeff laughed out loud. “You know, you’re the first person who hasn’t told me ‘it’ll pass’ or ‘you’ll get over it’. To be honest, I really don’t think it will pass, and I won‘t ever get over it.”

“Probably not.” Jeff looked surprised, so Scotty elaborated. “You loved him, you’ll probably always love him. Doesn’t mean you’ll never love anyone else again.”

“Spoken by the voice of experience?”

Scotty nodded.

“Have you loved anyone? I mean, since…” Jeff was always wary of mentioning Scotty’s past, especially that one man in particular.

“Since Brian?” Scotty’s face softened. It was seven years since Brian Pillman had died, and time was proving to be a great healer. At one point, he was unable to even say his name, but now he could reminisce about the good times they’d had. “I’ve felt deeply for people, I’ve worshiped from afar. I’m not sure I’ve loved. Compared with what Brian and I had, nothing has yet come close.”

“But you believe that it will?”

“I do.”

“I hope you’re right.” Jeff smiled at Scotty. The man had changed since they’d last worked together. He was calmer, stronger, Jeff would nearly have said happier, but happy was not a word usually associated with Scotty.

They sat in a comfortable silence together in the hotel bar, only breaking the stillness to greet the other wrestlers as they walked past. Jeff felt at home here, the atmosphere so much more relaxed than at it had been when he had left WWE. He knew that was partly own own fault: he’d behaved badly, making scenes whenever he came into contact with Chris. There wasn’t the backstabbing here that there was in WWE though. Over there, even your own brother would betray you if he thought it would further his career.

Stand up Matt Hardy.

That was another raw point for Jeff. It hurt that Matt put his career before his family. But then, over the last year, he’d started to come to terms with it. Matt could probably see the self destructive train that was carrying Jeff, and figured that he should do whatever he could to make sure that he wasn’t dragged down with it. Betrayal was never good to deal with though. Matt had been contrite, but he’d do it again if he had to. Matt knew his little brother too well: when Jeff loved, he loved deep and he fell hard, and he didn’t easily get back up again. He’d seen how the break up with Chris hadn’t just hurt Jeff, it had broken something inside, and he knew it would take something, or someone special to put him back together again.

“I’m tired.” Jeff stretched and yawned, then brushed his hair back behind his ears. “You coming?”

Scotty nodded. “I’ll be up there in a minute.” They were sharing a room; it saved money and provided company in a lonely business. And apparently was was one of the few people with the patience to deal with Scott’s idiosyncratic ways.

He needed to think. He knew Jeff better than most, better than Jeff realised. He knew the young man would rather have the world believing that he was a drug addict than have them really know what forced him away from WWE. He didn’t care what most people thought of him, but there were people whose opinions mattered greatly. There were but few: Matt, Chris, Amy and Shannon. Scott hoped that he could become one of those people.

Scott made his way to his room. He tried to be quiet as he undressed as Jeff was already in bed, and seemingly asleep.

“It’s OK, I’m awake.”

He looked over to Jeff’s bed. “Sorry. Did I wake you?”

“Nah. Couldn’t sleep.” Jeff propped himself up a little, idly watching Scott undress in the half-darkness.

“Too much going on up above?”

Jeff laughed softly, “something like that.”

“Do you think that absence has made the heart grow fonder?” Scott sat on the side of his bed and looked over towards Jeff.

“Dunno. When I was home, I could just get absorbed in music, or painting, or sculpting, and I… god, I could go for hours and hours and be thinking about nothing else but what I was doing. It got to the stage that I thought I was OK. That’s why I came back. But, even though it’s a different fed, it still feels the same. I keep expecting him to be sat with all the others… to walk into this room and see him sat there.”

Scott didn’t stay a word. He didn’t have the words to say. In a way, he knew where Jeff was coming from. When Brian had died, Scott had thought the same sort of thing. He’d seen him in arenas, heard his voice around the house. It had taken a long, long time to remember him with fondness, to think of him without wanting to break down.

Jeff looked up and smiled, “you don’t need to hear this, do you?”

“I’m OK. I can think about him now… I remember the good times.” Scott grinned briefly as he remembered the time that Brian had left a trail of notes and clues around the house which had led to a hot and steamy encounter in the summerhouse. A sweet memory of their time together was never too far away.

“Still, you don’t need my misery.”

“Don’t worry about it. Get some sleep, it’s tiring being back on the road.”

“Yes dad,” Jeff said with a laugh. “Night.”

Scott walked over to the bathroom, his head elsewhere. Jeff being here, his problems, they did bring back memories of Brian, good and bad. It hadn’t always been a bed of roses, it hadn’t been perfect. God they’d rowed, argued, fought like cats and dogs. They’d had massive screaming rows on so many occasions, people had sometimes thought that they were going to kill each other. But they’d loved each other too. Deeply, violently, jealously at times. The inevitable make up sex they’d had was always incredible. Scott had initiated a fight on more than one occasion, just so that they could have the fantastic, explosive reconciliation they always did. And then they were the quiet times. They were maybe the memories Scott treasured the most, when they sat out in the summerhouse, talking, sometimes just thinking, enjoying the silence and closeness.

Scott stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. He hadn’t changed that much since Brian had gone. The long curly hair was gone, there were a few more lines and scars on his face, but he didn’t look that much older.

“Thank you baby,” he murmured, and said a silent prayer. Brian had suffered a heart attack, and had died alone in his hotel room. It was partly an undiscovered genetic condition that had caused it, made worse by the cocktail of prescription drugs he was taking for his many injuries. Scott went cold turkey from that day and hadn’t touched a drug since, prescription or otherwise. He had come to accept that something had to come of Brian’s death, and was thankful each day that he at least had a chance to change his ways.

Jeff was a good kid. He was fragile mentally, Scott had noticed that from the moment he’d met the young man. Discreet questions way back then had given him a little more understanding of Jeff’s situation. The loss of his mother at an early age, issues over his identity and sexuality as a teen and a fiercely independent spirit had led him to bottle things up, to attempt to ignore problems and issues until they overwhelmed him. There were few people that he would listen to, but in a curious paradox those people’s opinions were very important to him, and he tended to rely on their approval for his own self worth. Chris’ love had been an immeasurable boost to Jeff’s self esteem, so its loss was catastrophic.

Scott knew Jeff well, but he also knew that there was a lot more to this young man than anyone realised. He didn’t really know what he was getting himself into, but he fully intended on helping the young man realise his ambitions, potential and true personality. Sure, he wasn’t any psychologist, but the support of a good friend could be invaluable.

**************************************

Jeff wasn’t an easy person to live with. Scotty had a reputation for being difficult, but Jeff was beyond words. High maintenance didn’t even come close as a description. He spent hours in the bathroom, shaving intricate patterns into every available patch of hair on his body, making sure that he looked as good as he could. Scott had learnt that he had to get to the bathroom before Jeff awoke, otherwise he’d be waiting for hours. It was annoying, but Jeff’s company made up for it.

Scotty was in the process of buying a house about a fifteen minute drive from the arena. He was planning to stick around in this federation, and knew that buying his own place would be an investment as well as saving him a fortune in hotel bills. He knew that the Jarretts would appreciate the commitment too. He’d found the perfect place, and was just waiting for all the paperwork and payments to go through. He hadn’t mentioned it to Jeff yet, but he was planning on asking him to move in. Purely as friends, hmakemake that clear. The rent would help, and Scotty enjoyed the companionship and camaraderie too much to let it go.

He was delighted when Jeff accepted the offer. Jeff was delighted to be asked. He felt like he’d really bonded with Scotty, and enjoyed their time together. It was a rare relief to be with someone who didn’t judge, didn’t belittle, didn’t ask questions. Someone that he could rely on for support if he needed it, but someone that he knew he shouldn’t burden too much. Spending time with Scott was making Jeff more independent. He was aware that some of his feelings would bring up memories of Brian for Scotty, and he didn’t want to put his friend through something that he wasn’t sure he wanted to go through.

He knew Scotty had been through a bad time when Brian died. Having to survive on his own, without chemical stimulants, with a thousand questions for a god that he barely could bring himself to believe in. The last thing Jeff wanted to do was plunge his friend back into that black wilderness that had almost destroyed him a few years ago. He was learning to think things through and deal with them on his own, each obstacle he overcame making him a little bit stronger.

***************************

One thing that happened in TNA that didn’t happen in WWE was thnthlnthly night out. It wasn’t an intentionally organised thing, but it generally happened that once a month mostly the entire roster would go out for a few drinks and then on to a club. It kept morale high, and the gossips in business. It was harmless fun.

Jeff enjoyed these nights out. He tended to be the first on the dance floor in any nightclub, no matter what music was on, and would always drag a few of the other younger wrestlers out with him. Scotty would watch with a smile, knowing what would come next.

Breathless, Jeff would walk up to him and would always make the same request, “come and dance Scott?”

The older man would shake his head, “I’m too old and cool for all this.”

Jeff would roll his eyes, giggle and dance off. Scott would drink and chat with a few of the other more sedate wrestlers. And at the end of the night, they’d both share a cab home, Jeff buzzing from having such a good time, and Scott relaxed and just drunk enough to not complain when Jeff started singing along to whatever song was playing on the car radio.

Often, when they got home, Jeff would be so hyper he’d stay up for hours. Scott would usually stay up with him, enjoying seeing the young man carefree. Jeff would grab a bottle of whisky and they’d sit talking for hours, about anything and everything.

Scotty had a bad habit when he was drunk. He’d start telling really stupid jokes. And obviously because Jeff was drunk, he’d find them absolutely hilarious. This particular night, Scott had come out with a classic, that had Jeff throw his head back, crying with laughter.

“Man… you’re crazy,” he sobbed, “where d’you get these?”

Scotty grinned, “I’m a naturally funny guy, what can I say?”

“Arrogant fucker.” Jeff chucked a cushion at him. Scotty retaliated and whacked Jeff over the head with a newspaper.

“Aw man, not fair,” Jeff pouted and rubbed his head, trying to suppress a smile.

“Poor Jeff,” Scotty hid a smaller cushion behind his back and scooted up closer to Jeff, “am I not playing fair?” He pullee cue cushion out from behind him and hit him over the head a few more times with it, pushing him onto his back. Throwing it to one side, he knelt over Jeff’s legs so the young man couldn’t escape. “You ticklish?”

“Bastard, like I’m telling… argh,” Jeff conceded defeat as Scott tickled his midriff. All attempts at pushing him away were half-hearted and futile. Scotty only stopped when he was out of breath and when Jeff had tears of laughter leaking from his eyes.

Suddenly the ton won was thick. Scott took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself and convince himself that this really wasn’t happening. Jeff looked up at him, eyes wide, biting his lower lip. He knew what Scotty was thinking here, he was thinking the same thing. This shouldn’t happen, we shouldn’t do this, it’ll ruin everything.

Scotty leant down and kissed him. Gently at first, testing, then with more confidence as Jeff responded. He felt Jeff’s hands and arms around his neck, pulling him in, pulling him closer. He moved slightly so that Jeff could move his legs, only to find that he wrapped them around his waist. He could feel the younger man’s arousal pressing into his thigh.

“Jeff,” somehow he broke the kiss long enough to utter that one syllable, before Jeff pulled him back close again. He broke the kiss again, “we shouldn’t be doing this.”

“I know.” Jeff caressed the back of Scotty’s neck gently. “You want to stop?”

The rational part of Scott’s brain shut down. All of the reasons why he shouldn’t be doing this suddenly disappeared from his brain. “No,” he whispered.

This time Jeff arched up to capture Scotty’s lips, taking control. He somehow pulled Scott’s T shirt over his head, and wasted no time in exploring the soft but muscled skin, running his nails down Scott’s back. Deftly he beto uto undo Scott’s jeans, but the older man grabbed his hand.

“I’m not as young as you Jeff… been drinking too… don’t think I can…”

Jeff nodded with understanding, “it’s ok.”

“Doesn’t mean I can’t make you happy though.” Scotty began to undo Jeff’s jeans and helped him to wiggle out of them. His erection was already straining through the cotton material of his boxers, and Scotty savoured the image. He leant down and placed a gentle kiss on the tip of his cock, feeling the pulsing heat through the material. He caught Jeff’s eye, seeking approval. The young man nodded and smiled, lifting his hips a little so Scott could remove his boxers too.

Jeff was so beautiful, Scott just wanted to devour him. He looked up again, and smiled at the anticipation on the younger man’s face. He had a sudden, insane desire to tease Jeff to within an inch of his life. At first he just inhaled the scent of Jeff’s arousal, watching his reactions as even his very breath stimulated him. He darted his tongue out to taste him, sending a shiver down Jeff’s spine. The contact was brief but electric.

Then Scotty began a to lick a slow and gentle trail up and down Jeff’s cock, each time stopping to stare at the trail of saliva, and to blow on it, the delicious feeling of coolness infuriatingly good for Jeff. Jeff found himself thrusting his hips upwards, wanting the whole of Scott’s mouth, wanting more than the older man was at the moment prepared to give him. Scotty suppressed a smile and used one arm to hold down Jeff’s hips, making it clear that he wanted to prolong the anticipation.

He continued doing this for as long as he could possibly stand it, knowing from Jeff’s pained cries and whimpers that the teasing was absolutely maddening but arousing at the same time. It wasn’t exactly one sided either. The desire to tease Jeff was swiftly now being overcome by the desire and need to taste him. Scotty wasn’t going to make it too easy for Jeff though.

He continued to hold Jeff’s hips down, as he lowered his mouth over his cock, slowly, inch by inch. The young man’s cock was wonderful, just the right length for Scotty. He couldn’t quite get all of it down his throat, but he was determined to have a damn good try.

“Please Scotty, oh god,” Jeff was nearly incoherent, which was exactly what Scott wanted. It was enthralling to gauge Jeff’s reactions, to see how running his tongue along the underside of his cock could make him gasp, but increasing the suction on his cock could make him scream.

As quickly as he’d decided that teasing was the way forward, Scotty decided that any more would be too cruel, and increased his pressure on Jeff, now determined to taste him. He wanted to take the young man as high as possible, and then let him fall.

He did. It was frenetic, messy, erotic, awkward, but good. Incredible, even. Every bit as good as Scotty had hoped it would be.

Every bit as embarrassing afterwards. Jeff bit his lip nervously, pulling on his boxers. Suddenly he felt very sober.

“Scotty…”

“Shhh.” Scotty put his finger to Jeff’s lip. “Don’t say it. Don’t think about it, not now.”

Jeff nodded, a little unsure of what the older man meant.

“Just let it go for tonight. We’ll deal with what comes tomorrow.” Scott forced a smile that was a little less confident than it looked. “Come to bed?”

“Yeah,” his voice was soft and unsure. He knew this was madness, but at this moment it didn’t seem to matter.

***********************************

Jeff cuddled closer to the warm body next to him, lifting his hand to caress his lover’s hair. “Mmmm, Chris…” As his fingers ran through the mop of hair he realised something.

He opened his eyes. This wasn’t Chris. Memories came flooding back. Scotty, teasing and joking, tickling… kissing. Oh god. Jeff was mortified. He slipped out of bed, not wanting to wake the older man. Maybe if he went back to his own room now, he could pretend that this had never happened.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it though. As he sat on his bed with his head in his hands the feel of Scott’s lips, the gentle touch of his hands, every moment and sensation of last night coursed through him, heightened by memory, want and need. He cursed himself, his body and mind, for succumbing to temptation. He shouldn’t be thinking these things.

Scotty awoke, expecting Jeff to still be next to him. The bed was cold, and his heart fell. So the younger man regretted what happened, and couldn’t even face him. He was stupid last night, he should have stopped it, should have brushed it off as a drunken kiss and gone no further. But Jeff, he was irresistible, the taste of him still lingered on Scott’s lips, and it was a taste he wanted again. This made all those weird thoughts and feelings he’d been having recently completely clear. He wanted Jeff. It was the first time since Brian that… well, that he had wanted anything more than casual sex or just simple physical contact.

And he’d ruined it. Jeff was obviously so freaked that he’d disappeared as soon as he’d woken up. He was still hurting, the young man still had issues to deal with, and Scott had laid all this extra pressure on him. He could have cursed himself.

Jeff buried his head in his pillow. He’d had brief sexual encounters in the past, but none of them had really affected him like this. Was it because he was such good friends with Scotty, or was it because of something else? He’d felt really comfortable when he’d first woken up, just like he always did when he was with Chris. And Chris had been the first man to really make him feel that safe.

That was how he felt with Scotty. It was safety, that feeling of actually being wanted and needed. For just that one moment when he’d woken up it had been absolutely blissful; he wanted that feeling back, he wanted that feeling to last forever. He wanted Scotty. He still loved Chris, but that was over. What he felt for Scotty didn’t compare, couldn’t compare. It was different. Not better, not worse, a different kind of feeling. He felt like life with Scotty would give him freedom: freedom to make his own decisions, his own mistakes, to live his own life. No one had given him that before.

He slowly made his way back to Scotty’s room, but was hit by doubt. What if Scotty didn’t feel the same? What if he regretted it, what if he wanted to pretend that it never happened? What if he lost that friendship? He knew that he was taking a big chance.

For someone so brave and foolhardy in the wrestling ring, Jeff was surprisingly reticent when it came to taking chances. He overanalysed, feared, worried, and became too frightened to take that final step. He’d avoid the problem, or let Chris, or Matt, or Shannon make the decision. Not this time. He had to take control of his life for once. If he didn’t take this chance, he’d never know.

“Scotty?” Jeff knocked gently on the door, and pushed it open. “Can I talk to you?”

The older man looked up, a little surprised at the determined look on Jeff’s face, intrigued too. He nodded and motioned for Jeff to sit on the bed next to him.

“Scotty, I’m sorry I left this morning.”

Scott waved his hand, “it’s ok, I understand.”

“No, you don’t. I left…” Jeff closed his eyes momentarily to help him think, to help him put his feelings into words, “I left cos you made me feel kind of like Chris used to. Safe. Wanted. Needed. It frightened me.”

“I reminded you of him. I’m sorry.” Scotty looked downcast, he felt terrible for messing with Jeff like he had.

“In a good way,” Jeff felt like he wasn’t expressing himself very well. “I love Chris, but it doesn’t mean I can’t feel deeply for another.”

“You feel… something for me?” Scotty realised that Jeff had matured an awful lot over the last few months. He was stronger than Scott had realised.

“Yeah.” Suddenly Jeff wasn’t confident. He was the same nervous man he’d always been. “I want you, I want to wake up with you every morning. I know that last night was just a fling to you, but I want more. God,” he laughed, “a few months ago I’d never have had the guts to say that.” He was surprised he’d had the nerve now, and stared down at his hand, finding his nails very interesting.

“It wasn’t just a one night thing to me,” Scotty’s voice was so low that Jeff hardly heard it.

He looked up, shocked. “Say that again.”

“It wasn’t just a one night thing to me.”

Jeff leaned forward and kissed him. Scotty responded, wrapping his arms around the young man and pulling him closer. This was it, this was what they’d both been looking for.

Jeff pulled away and looked at Scotty, needing clarification. “So if it wasn’t a one night thing for you, what was it?”

Scotty couldn’t believe that Jeff even had to ask. “It was something… that I hoped would be the first night of something better. Something with you.”

Jeff nodded, “I still love Chris, and I know you’re not him…”

“And you’re not Brian,” Scotty interrupted, “I still love him and always will. Doesn’t mean I can’t fall for you.”

“That’s what I was going to say,” Jeff was relieved.

“So what do we call this? We’ve loved in the past, still love now…” Scott’s eyes flicked over to the photo of Brian on the bedside table. With a silent ‘I love you’ in his heart he turned the photo face down.

“A new start for us?” Jeff ventured. He was touched by Scott’s gesture.

“Yeah.” Scotty smiled. “A new start.”