Face the Truth

KATHRYN JANEWAY’S QUARTERS
0900 hours Tuesday morning.

CHAKOTAY

She’s my companion and I love her, but I do not desire her.

Kathryn is one of the most beautiful women I’ve ever laid my eyes on. She needs a man who can love her the way she deserves. That man is not me. I love her but I also love someone else. One might argue that it is impossible to love more than one person, but I assure you that it is possible.

After yet again failing to give her what she needs so desperately, she looks at me with confusion and pain in her eyes. She asks my forgiveness and I cringe. I s I should ask her forgiveness. I am the one who is inadequate; I am the one who cannot give her what she needs.

I’m in love with another man.

Throughout my entire life I have tried to fight this part of mnowinowing what it would entail. I would become pariah, hated and despised by my family and friends. This type of love is not accepted among my kind.

I did not know love could be this strong and I have no longer the strength to fight it.

This morning, just a few minutes ago I told her the truth and the confusion and pain is growing in her eyes. Then an odd sense of relief seems to take over and she nods.

“It’s all right, Chakotay. I will not hold on to you against your wish. This is clearly not working out.”

It is true. We have tried. I so desperately want to need her and to desire her. The feelings are there, strong and unyielding. I would give years of my life if only it would make me want her with the passion she deserves, but it is of no use. I can not. Love is not enough.

“Who is she?” she asks, and I flinch and turn my face away from her. What am I supposed to say? Shall I tell her or shall I not? There’s nothing she can do to ease my pain, because the man that I love does not know. I doubt he will ever find out. He and I have gone through so much and very little of it are good memories.

How can I tell him? How can I tell her?

“You need to talk to someone, Chakotay,” she tells me softly, and I know she is right. But it hurts and it is so difficult. Fighting a lifetime of guilt and confusion and revealing what has been in my heart and on my mind for such a long time is unsettling.

“I know, Kathryn,” I agree, my voice coarse and trembling.

I never felt so weak or so full of gratitude before. I lift my head and meet her eyes. She looks at me with compassion and understanding. It’s almost painful. How can she let me go so easily? Did she ever really love me? But I know I am being unfair. She loves me. She loves me more than I deserve and she desires me, with a passion I cannot return.

“If you want me to, I will be here,” she says firmly.

“I do not want to hurt you,” I hear myself say. “I never meant to … “

“Shh,” she says and puts her delicate fingers against my lips. “It’s all right. I believe I have seen it coming for several months. I am prepared and I waI want is for you to be happy, Chakotay. Never doubt that.”

“It’s Tom,” I reveal to her. The words are out almost before I know it. I see those eyes grow larger and she closes them for an instant.

“Tom Paris?”

“Is there another Tom on this ship?” I say wryly.

“I’m sorry, Chakotay, but I didn’t think that you even liked the man.”

“Oh, I like him all right,” I chuckle. “I’ve been fighting it ever since the first time I saw him in the Maquis. I fought it even more when I believed he had betrayed us. But even more so when I realized how wrong I’ve been about Tom all this time.”

“You’ve been very convincing,” she says softly and I am not so stupid as not to realize the underlying meaning of those words. What she really wants to say is that I will have a difficult time convincing Tom the true nature of my feelings for him.

I am not even sure I will tell him.

“Are you going to tell him?” she asks as if she could read the doubts in my eyes. Maybe she can. She knows me so well. After all these years she knows me even better than I know myself. At least that is how it sometimes feels.

“I don’t know,” I admit honestly. “Do you think that I should?”

“I can’t advise you,kotakotay. I don’t even know what Tom’s attitude towards male lovers is.”

“I don’t know either, and it’s not like I have anyone I can ask.”

“Of course there is. You can always ask Tom. Start out by trying to be his friend,” she says.
“Don’t rush headlong into anything.” Her laughter is soft and quite happy. She knows me too well. “Don’t brood about it, Chakotay,” she adds. “Life is too short not to take some chances.”

I feel good when I nod towards her and rise from the chair. I leave her quarters, heading for my own. I have no duty shift today, and I am glad. I need time to think, to sort out my feelings and try to decide what I am going to do with my life. It has changed, suddenly and dramatically.

I feel free, I feel scared and I feel confused.

* * *

TOM PARIS’ QUARTERS
2200 hours Wednesday evening.

TOM

It’s all over the ship. He broke up with the captain. I can’t believe it. After mooning over her, drooling over her for years and years, he drops her as if she was used wash rug.

After only a few weeks. It’s been only two months. He’s such a creep.

I bang my fist into the wall and it hurts. I want her to be happy. She’s done everything for me, she’s the next best thing to a mother I could have. She’s been looking after me, giving me a second chance when nobody else would. Damn the man! Damn Chakotay for hurting her.

“Don’t do that, Tom,” Harry says. “You’ll only hurt yourself, and you really don’t know what is going on. Maybe you should talk to her?”

I turn around and stare at my young, idealistic friend. He looks so sincere and so innocent where he is sitting.

“Yes, sure Har,” I mock him and the hurt in his eyes makes me flinch, but I continue anyway. I’m such a bastard sometimes. I wonder why I do this to the people I care about? “I’ll just walk to her quarters and ring her doorbell and offer her a shoulder to cry on. That’d be really neat, right?”

Harry is silent and just looks at me with those soulful eyes. If he hadn’t been so young – so heartbreakingly young, so idealistic and so faithful to Libby I’d have thrown myself at him. But young Harry has probably never felt for a man anything that resembles lust or love. Only friendship, kinship. I’m his buddy and nothing else. Besides – it isn’t really Harry that I want. Not Harry that I need.

I’m massage my knuckles; they’re almost numb from the pain. I wish they’d connected with Chakotay’s jaw instead. Smashing my fist into a wall isn’t nearly as satisfying. It simply hurts and doesn’t really take the edge off my anger either. I thought I’d gotten over this hatred, this hurt where Chakotay is concerned, but it is quite obvious to me now that I haven’t. It bothers me and I wonder where the truth may be found about this particular outburst. I’m not sure I want to look too deeply. I’m quite sure the truth will hurt more than my bruised knuckles.

“Calm down, Tom,” Harry says with that soft, accepting voice of his. The one he always uses when he’s afraid I’m going to go off on the deep end. He might have a point. I may have changed since I arrived on Voyager, but I still screw up on occasion and Harry knows it. He’s saved me from myself more times than I care to count.

“It’s okay mur murmur and move away from the wall. “It just makes me so angry. He’s been pining away for her for so long. Why does he leave her now, after such a short time? Why does he hurt her like that? Couldn’t you see the way she was looking at him today?”

“She loves him, Tom,” Harry says softly. “But perhaps that isn’t enough?”

“If I had her love, it’d be enough,” I say to my own surprise. But I realize that isn’t true at the very moment the words leave my lips. I don’t want her love. Not like that. I want her respect and I want her to be proud of me, but I don’t want that kind of relationship with her.

“You don’t mean that, Tom,” Harry protests. He knows me too well.

“No,” I sigh, “I don’t.”

It bothers me a bit. The way he says that. It’s as if he’s seen throug at at last. As if he finally knows what makes Tom Paris tick. And it’s not screwing around with all the women on Voyager; it isn’t even screwing around with all the women in the galaxy. I only want one, and the one I want isn’t a woman, but I don’t even want to go there.

I don’t want to admit to myself how much I want him. I don’t want to admit to myself that I would give anything to be with Chakotay.

I can’t really say when the truth hit me. Maybe it was the first time I saw him. Slim, but powerful with the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen. I can still see him the way he looked that first time when I joined the Maquis. Dressed all in brown, a pair of snug pants, clinging tightly to his well-muscled legs. A tunic that accentuated his broad shoulders and powerful chest.

Even that first time the air crackled between us. I’d never met a man who hated me so quickly so instinctively as Chakotay did. He could not see anything positive in anything I did. That only made me act worse. I drank myself into oblivion only to make him angry, because anger seemed to be the only emotion I was able to provoke in him. He never looked at me unless he was angry.

Chakotay was a strange man, and I still – to this very day – can not figure him out. Hard and unyielding, unfailingly masculine and yet … the signs were there. They still are, for anyone who knows how to read them.

“Tom,” Harry says. I’m sitting on the couch, beside him, my head buried in my hands and I’m breathing heavily as if I’ve been running, but all that I’m doing is trying to fight back the memories and the hurt.

“Yeah,” I say and manage to get some measure of control over my body. “I’m fine,” I say because I’m sure that is what he’s going to ask, but again he surprises me. Harry, my friend is not as predictable as you might think.

“You can talk to me, Tom.” He silences for a second and then he continues as if deciding that he’s not going to let this drop. Not this time. “I know.”

I snap my head up and look at him. His eyes are staring seriously at me.

“You know what?” I ask, fear suffusing my voice. I know almost immediately that Harry is going to throw the truth in my face. How does he know? How does he know when I don’t even admit the truth to myself? When I really don’t want it to be this way.

“I know … how you feel about Commander Chakotay.”

I swallow deeply; knowing there is no use in trying to deny it. The knowledge is there in Harry’s eyes as inevitable as an ion storm surrounding the ship.

“How … How did you find out?” I ask.

He’s silent for a long while, and I’m almost certain he’s not going to answer, but then he opens his mouth. “It took a while. You’re very good at hiding your feelings behind that cocky facade of yours. I didn’t realize it until recently. I’ve always wondered you’ve been flitting from one woman to another never settling with anyone. Not even B’Elanna and you love and respect her more than any other woman on this ship, save perhaps for captain Janeway.”

I nod silently and lean back in the couch.

"Kathryn Janeway is my guardian angel, Harry," I say. "You and the captain are the two people keeping me from fulfilling the destiny of the Paris brat."

I silence, waiting for Harry to continue. I didn't know he'd seen right through me. I've always considered myself bisexual, but truth be told, I want men more than women. And I want Chakotay in particular. I laugh dryly to myself. Of all the men on the ship I had to fall for the one who will not give me the time of day.

"And what about Chakotay?" Harry says. "Why do you keep doing this to yourself? You alienate him by refusing to obey orders, you taunt him at every possible opportunity... and yet, I know that he's the one you really care about. The one you want on this ship. I realized that the day he and captain Janeway announced their engagement."

I remember that day so vividly. It hurt, it hurt like hell and I remember how much I hated myself for being hurt that day. It revealed to me that despite everything I had been hoping against all hopes. Deep down, somewhere I was hoping that Chakotay would love me back.

It is such a fruitless hope. The man is straight, I've never even seen him look at another man - ever. And he might not hate my guts the way he used to. I guess I've proven myself too often for that. But the underlying dislike is still there, and that's not an easy thing to change. The chemistry is not there, not for him anyway.


CHAKOTAY'S QUARTERS
0300 THURSDAY MORNING

CHAKOTAY

I'm tossing and turning in bed. It's impossible. It's been several days. Everyone knows that Kathryn and I are no longer an item. Everyone knows I'm a free bird. I know it. I feel it and it is as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Still, I am incapable of doing anything. I've been watching him all day long on the bridgetwo days before I found an excuse to get him away from there for a while. It doesn't matter; I still ache for him. Now that Kathryn knows it I can no longer hide it from her and I know she is hurting. I hate myself for it. I wish I didn't have to be so close to her, or him, all the time.

I kick off the covers. Suddenly my quarters feel too hot; the way they always used to do, back home during the summer. As if the sun had been shining through the window all day,vingving stale, humid air with too little oxygen to really satisfy my body's need for air.

Kicking off the covers isn't enough and I can't shove the thoughts of Tom Paris out of my head. It's been seven years since I saw him that first time. He stepped into my ship wearing a pair of tight blue jeans that clung to him like a second skin, and a shirt open to his waist. One look at that beautiful man and I was lost and I hated it. I hated him for forcing me to acknowledge my darker self, that part of me that I had kept hidden throughout my entire life. That part of me that I refused to yield to. He forced me to accept that I desired him.

Only over the last couple of years have I realized that nobody benefits from me not acknowledging my true self, least of all me. But it is difficult, fighting a lifetime of prejudice and morals, taught to me from my early childhood. In my culture, men do not love me, they do not desire other men and homosexuality is not accepted. It's taken me this long to admit the truth of it to myself and come to terms with this part of me.

It is of no use, I can't sleep. Why am I lying here? It's too warm, so I decide to go to the holodeck to find something that will help me to unwind. Maybe a beautiful beach from Earth? Maybe a forest to run through?

Yeah, that sounds good.

I dress quickly, pulling on a pair of drawstring jogging pants and a t-shirt and I'm out of my quarters within a few minutes.

Holodeck 2 is empty and I run a simulation of a forest from Earth, Northern Hemisphere from a region once known as Scandinavia. It's beautiful. Large oak trees and beeches create a lush roof overhead. As I run I feel last year's fallen leaves under my bare feet. Birds are chirping and I run along path that's close to the lake's shore. I feel the tentsion finally drain out of me and I keep running, running and running, until I no longer have the stamina to keep going. I fel tired, but the thoughts whirling through my head are the same, and I have reached no conclusion, or even peace of mind.

How will Tom react to my revelation if I decide to tell him the truth. Heave only knows there's no love lost between us. I've tried to trhim him better over the last few years. Mostly because I've finally realized that Tom Paris isn't at all the jerk I thought he was. He's saved my life more than once, and not only mine. I've also seen the hurt in his eyes when he thinks I'm not watching. Why does it bother him if I'm being a bastard? Why does he care? Perhaps it should be enough for me to know that he does?

I rise form the ground where I have been sitting the last few minutes, leaning my head against a broad tree-trunk, trying to regain my breath and letting my body relax after the long run. I must have run at least ten miles. It's nearly time for my duty-shift. I will be able to get a quick shower and a cup of coffee before I'm supposed to be on the bridge.

I'm stopped before I manage to get back to my quarters though. As the doors to the holodeck slide apart I am met by the blue eyes that haunt me day and night. But unlike in my fantasies, where they look upon me with love and desire, they are angry and disappointed. I flinch.

"Lt, Paris," I say curtly.

"Commander," he replies.

His voice is curt and very cold as he walks past me into the holodeck. He's just gotten off-duty, pulling an all-nighter in sickbay. I know this because I am the one who assigned him to it. I want him off the bridge for a while, and the Holodoc's need for assistance was a chance I couldn't pass up.

"Commander," Tom says. His voice is a little less curt, but his eyes are still cold. "I need to talk to you. Do you have a minute?"

"Sure," I say as casually as I am capable of.

He doesn't know and he won't find out until I'm ready to tell him, but being here like this alone with Tom is difficult. Seven years of pent up longing and desire is catching up on me. I return inside the holodeck, the forest program still running since I never got the chane to end it. It's beautfiul still. The sun is setting and the bright rays of the evening sun are playing in his hair, making it shine like gold. Hiss skin is slightly tanned, and his features are so perfect, so beautful. I have to tear my eyes away from him. Having consciously admitted to the attraction I realize that it's even more difficult to fight it.

He looks at me questioningly.

"Yes, I say. "What do you need to talk to me about?"

Suddenly he seems embarrassed and he walks away and turns his back to me. I now allow myself to watch him without hesitation. He's still dressed in his uniform, but even so he is handsom. It clings to his legs and buttocks and I ache to touch him. I swallow hard as I wait for what he has to say.

"It really is none of my business," he says, indicating with the harshness in his tone, that he, despite his words feels that it is his business after all. I tense at the words, feeling the agitation build inside me. This isn't going to be pleasant, I know it already. Then he turns around to look at me. "How could you do it, Chakotay?"

"Do what?"

"How could you leave her like that? How could you hurt the captain by dropping her as if she meant nothing to you?"

The anger rises like a tidal wave inside me. Fuck! This is not his business, he is right about that. He knows nothing, and the accusation is so damned obvious in the blue eyes. It hurts and it makes me so pissed off it's not funny. I am even angrier at the fact that he's upset that Kathryn and I are no longer together than him poking around in things that doesn't concern him. I was hoping he'd be happy to hear about it. I wanted him to be glad that I was free again, free to pursue others. I don't want to hear that because it means that there is no hope. No hope even before I made the first move. Still, this is a good an opening as any and I steel myself.

"Why?" he repeats angrily and turns to look at me. Those eyes are so expresive and they are filled with hurt as if by leaving Janeway, I hurt him too. This makes me decide. He deserves to know the truth.

"Because I love her," I whisper, and then I turn around to leave.

HOLODECK TWO
0500 HOURS THURSDAy MORNING

TOM

Shit, those words make me furious. They make no sense! Rage fills me and I no longer feel that the threat of being charged with insubordination is enough to stop me from doing what I am about to do. I grab Chakotay's shoulder and pull him back into the holodeck. The dorrs shut behind him, but I barely register the noise they make.

"What's that supposed to mean, Chakotay?" I hiss, my voice barely recognizable even to myself. He turns his eyes toward me, staring straight at me. I see the fear deep down in his eyes. It stops me for a fraction of a second, but then I push him up against the wall. His body slams against the bulkhead, but strangely, he doesn't resist me. "What kind of sick little game are you playing?" I ask.

"It's no game, Paris. Now I suggest you let me go!"

He stares at me with contempt in those brown eyes. I'm surprised at how much it still hurts. He hasn't looked at me like that for a long time. That gaze is so cold. People tell me that brown is a warm color, I teI tell you, those people have never seen the Chief's eyes when he gets angry or really dislikes someone. I shiver underneath that gaze, but it doesn't stop me from doing what I feel that I have to do.

"If you love her, then why are you hurting her like this?"

"Fuck you, Paris!" he spits.

I ignore his words.

"If you care about her, why is she in so much pain? Huh? Tell me Chak or or I swear I'll kick your ass into next week!"

He looks away all of the sudden. A shadow of something, guilt maybe, passes over his face.

"Because I can't give her what she needs or what she wants. I can't give her what she deserves," he says, stunning me into silence. Chakotay, feeling inadequate. That's got to be the first time!

I stare at him for several moments and it's like some kind of current travels between us. But I shrug it off. It's not what I think it is. It can't be, because Chakotay doesn't want me; he doesn't even *like* me, for Pete's sake. My need for him is playing tricks on me.

"You're such a sack of shit, Chakotay! Just because you feel inadequate and insecrue, you leave her like that, hurt her like that. Shit! Fuck you. You're so full of shit!"

I know I'm repeating myself, but I'm so fucking angry.

I hurt and the world has always been so full of hurt. Ever since I was born it's been like that. I was never good enough, never what people expected of me, and then Janeway came along. She trusted me enough to give me a second chance and I would give my life for her. In my own way I love her too. I hurt when she and Chakotay got together. Maybe because I knew it was over then. I'd seen it coming. I'd seen the way they looked at each other. It was a relief too, but now, he's screwed that up too. Now it hurts because I know she's hurting. It hurts because I find myself hoping again and that gaze with which he looks upon me tells me with out a doubt that the hope is so misplaced. It will never happen.

I smash him into the wall again. There's not much force behind it, because the anger is giving way to hurt and arousal. He's so close. I haven't been this close to Chakotay in a very long time. I can't think like this. He'll kill me if he ever finds out. But there's no strength behind my grip on him now, because he isn't resisting either. He's just standing there, looking at me.

"What's wrong with you, Paris?" he asks." Since when did you become Captain Janeway's knight in shining armor?" There's an edge to his voice and I wonder about it. He sounds almost jealous. Does he think I'm going to steal her away from him? Oh god, if it only were that simple...

"She owns me, Chakotay, just like I own you. Just like I saved your life, she saved mine," I say. It's the truth.

Suddenly he pushes me away with unexpected fierceness. He turns me around and slams me back to the wall. Without warning, the roles are reversed. It hurts, but exhilaration runs through my veins because now the coldness in his eyes is gone. It's as if my words make him angrier. It puzzles me.

"You do not belong to Kathryn, Tom," he spits out. I gasp when he says my name. He almost never does that. I have to close my eyes. It feels too good; good and painful at the same time. Bittersweet. I almost don't hear what he says next.

"She doesn't own you." His vehemence is almost frightening. Almost.

"You want to know why I've left her, Tom? Do you really?" His voice rises from a low growl to an angry level and he slams me to the wall again to emphasize his words. I'm not frightened. I just look into his eyes and a see a fire there; a fire I've never known, and it consumes me. I feel the length of him pressed against me, and a moan creeps past my lips. Then the fear comes. Not of what he's going to do to me, but what he's going to say when he realizes... My erection is pressing urgently against hi hip. I feel excitement and a debilitating shame at the same time.

But his reaction is not what I expect. He leans forward, pressing even closer to me, pinning my arms above my head to the wall, and he ravishes me. The full lips come down on mine violently, as if he can't get enough. Ever. I moan into his mouth and arch against him. I want to touch him, I want to run my hands through his salt and pepper hair, but he won't let me. He's got me pinned down. Maybe he things I want to fight him? Instead, the flames from the passion he provokes inside me lick my body, setting me on fire like I've never been on fire before. I feel dizzy, as if all blood has left my head and gone to my aching cock. I'm as hard as I can get within seconds and as he presses closer to me I realize that he is too. Finally, he lets go of my arms. I sigh in relief. I am free to grab him and kiss him back. I want him so much.

But all of the sudden he is gone out trough the holodeck door. He leaves me dazed with lips swollen from those anything but gentle kisses and he leaves me rock hard and aching for him. I don't have the presence of mind to call him back.

I barely understand what happened here. Moaning, I slide to floofloor and bury my face in my hands.

CHAKOTAY'S QUARTERS
0530 HOURS THURSDAY MORNING

CHAKOTAY

I can't believe I did that. Oh, spirits! I can't believe I revealed to him how much I want him. What will he think of me now? I practically forced myself on him back there!

I am so hard it hurts. Feeling that long, slender body pressed against mine for real was driving me insane. I want to kiss him again. I want to feel the heat of his mouth against mine, the taste of his tongue in my mouth. How foolish of me!

He's in love with *her* and I throw myself at him!

How ironic. Here I am, leaving her because I'm not good enough for her, because I don't want her like I want him. Maybe he can give her what I can't?

Shit, that thought hurts like hell. What a mess, What a fucking mess!

I move through the corridors, hoping not to meet anyone. I'm in such turmoil. I'm hurting and I'm feeling exhilarated at the same time. It's out now. He knows how I feel, even if he'll never return my feelings. He knows. It frees me and the desire for him runs stronger in my body. I have to do something about it. I can't go to the bridge like this. I slip through the doors to my quarters and engage the privacy lock.

My hands move on their own volition down between my legs. The heavy weight there has not diminshed during the walk back to my quarters. Quite the contrary. It's like the adrenaline rush of revealing my darkest secret fuels my arousal. I'm so excited my entire body is trembling. I feel the faint tremor of my hands as I push down my pants. I moan aloud when I grip my own balls. They are taut, pressed closely to my body. I'm so close already and I haven't even touched myself.

The sent of him is still in my nostrils, the feel of his hips pressing against mine are still imprinted on my body. I can still feel the sweet pressure of his lips and the taste of his mouth. I imagine that it is Tom's hands that are gripping my impossibly hard erection. I can almost feel his soft, long-fingered pilot's hands, strong and agile, not short and blunt like my own run over my cock and I bite my lip not to moan. In my imagination his hands move across my flesh with knowledgeable strokes and I can't stifle the moan any longer. It rips from me as I arch into those exquisite caresses. I imagine his blue eyes looking at me passionately. It's the first timer thr that I allow myself to fantasize about him deliberately and it's so much better than I'd ever believed it could be.

"Tom," I moan. "Oh, yes Tom, just like that."

I come so hard I think I black out for a second; sticky semen is covering my hands and my stomach. It's pathetic. Tom isn't even wit and and he's not going to be here. He might press charges for sexual harassment. If it weren't so tragic, I'd laugh. It sounds like one of those medieval dramas. She loves me, I love him and he loves her...

Shit.

Love? My heart leaps into my throat. Love?

Damn it, Chakotay, I chastise myself. Who said anything about love?

You did, my conscience shoots back at me and I lean my head against the door, and I flinch when I feel the wetness on my cheeks. I hadn't even realized I was crying.

TOM'S QUARTERS
0530 HOURS THURSDAY MORNING

TOM

"Shit. Oh, fuck... Fucking hell!"

I throw my head back against the wall. Shivers of painful need rack my body. I've never gotten so hard so fast in my life. It's like my entire being is made of quivering flesh needing to be touched; aching to release an unbeae ple pleasure. It's nothing like the occasional hard-on you get among friends while watching a porno-vid or the kind of boner that you get from looking at a sexy woman or a nice pair of well-rounded buttocks and muscular legs on a guy. Oh, no, this one's not going to go away by itself.

"Damn you, Chakotay. Damn you!"

Why did he leave?

I wanted him to kiss me, didn't he notice that? I want him so badly I'm falling apart. This is why he left Kathryn? Because of me. Guiltily, I notice the happiness and the surge of need crashing through my body. I can't help it. I have to touch myself. I can still feel him against me. I can feel the grip of his broad hands around my wrists, his body pressing me mercilessly into the bulkhead. I imagine him moving his hands over my pale skin, pushing away the fabric as he goes along. My hands open my uniform, but in my mind it's Chakotay; Chakotay is touching me. I imagine those full lips closing around the head of my cock and I cry out form the pleasure of that fantasy, I cry out at the hope that this might come true. Those lips, that wetness is closing around the crown of my cock, taking it deep inside. All the way, loving every second. A wet tongue is stroking up and down my shaft, licking it, sucking it and lavishing it with saliva. He wants me desperately inside him.

Me, inside Chakotay.

"Oh shit, Chakotay. Damn!" The release takes hold of me, and a continuous moan escapes my lips as I come.

THE BRIDGE OF VOYAGER
0800 HOURS FRIDAY MORNING

TOM

I am so damn confused. He's been avoiding me like the plague over the last couple of days. Today, finally, I'm going to grab him. I've been alternating between living on cloud nine and falling into the deepest despair over the last 24 hours. Yesterday morning, he attacked me in the holodeck, kissing me as if his life depended on it, and then he's been avoiding me.

Yesterday afternoon I cut myself quite deep so I needed Holodoc's attention. Chakotay was therewith Ensign Wildman who got hurt yesterday. I don't know exactly what happened, but I think some insect bit her. Since the macro-virus incident, Holodoc is kin par paranoid about stuff like that. When I entered, I swear Chakotay must have beamed out of Sickbay, because one moment he was there and when I looked up next he wasn't. I never saw him in Sandrine's last night either, and this morning he was late for his shift. I'm sure it was because he didnt' want to run into me accidentally in the turbolift or something.

Chakotay is *never* late. He bites my head off if I'm so much aseconecond late at the helm.

I have been thinking a lot these past two days, trying to figure out what really happened. I've been trying to com Chakotay, but he never talks to me more than necessary. It's like those passionate kisses that drove me wild never happened. It's like I've never seen those eyes glaze over with a desire he couldn't control. But he refuses to look me in the eye now. That's the only think keeping me from believing I dreamed it all up. He is back to his cold and professional self. It's as if we've never even been drinking beer together at Sandrine's and that the friendship between us never developed at all.

Sure, Chakotay and I were never buddies, not like Harry and I. I've never ripped Chakotay off his replicator rations out of sheer affection. I've never given him a friendly hug. But it doesn't mean I haven't wanted to.

I've wanted it too much.

It has made ma act differently around him than say Harry and B'Elanna. The tension is there, and I've always thought it was because he really didn't consider me a friend. It's made me feel insecure and that makes me act like a jerk sometimes. I don't like feeling insecure. My smart-ass comments rub him the wrong way too. I know that. I thought it was because he didn't like me all that much. Now I wonder. I could never have imagined this though. I shiver as I remember the passion behind his kisses and my resolve to sort this out as soon as possible grows. I don't know what to say though, and I sure as hell don't know where to go with it.

All I know is that we need to talk. My musing is interrupted by a conversation behind me. I turn the chair to watch them.

"Commander," Janeway says. I see her and Chakotay together. There's no tension or anger between them. She looks like she's tired, that's all. A twinge of regret shoots through me, I need to talk to her too, before this goes any further.

"Yes, Captain," Chakotay replies rigidly. He's tense as a trintring.

"Put together an away team. After the accident yesterday with Ensign Wildman I want those plants gathered as soon as possible so we can leave this system.

"Aye, Captain," Chakotay responds. I can hear the relief in his voice. He's not going to ask me to join that away team, that's for sure. He's just thrilled to get away from me for another couple of hours.

What's wrong with. Why does he avoid me at all costs?

I'm getting paranoid here.

SOME UNKNOWN PLANET IN THE DELTA QUADRANT
1700 HOURS FRIDAY AFTERNOON

CHAKOTAY

I walk along the path with Ayala, Tuvok, Ensign Kim and Neelix behind me. We're gathering as much of the fruits and vegetables as we can find. They're edible and definitely more appealing than Leola Root. I think this is the first planet we've been to in the Delta Quadrant where this root isn't showing up in abundance. Neelix seems distraught at this fact, but I'm pretty happy with it. Judging from the others' conversations, I'm not alone.

"Don't worry about it, Neelix. We all need some variation anyway."

"I know," says Neelix, pulling at his sideburns. " But Leola Root is very nutritious. These vegetables don't have nearly as many important vitamins and minerals as Leola roots do."

"Calm down. You've still got some left, don't you?" Harry teases.

I do, don't worry Ensign. It'll last me another couple of months, but if this is any indication of what the rest of the trip will be light, we might never find any more Leola Root again."

I can't help chuckling to myself as I see the relieved expression on Ensign Kim's face. I wonder if Harry can help me? He and I have never exactly been friends. I think I make him feel uncomfortable. But I wonder if Tom told Harry what happened yesterday morning. Harry does look at me strangely from time to time, when he thinks I'm not paying attention.

This is driving me insane. I saw Tom watch Janeway all day with that concerned look on his face. Then he looked at me. I can't make out that look though. It seems like he's puzzled. What is there to be puzzled about? I jumped him, probably scared him shitless, but at least he hasn't pressed charges. I suppose that's a good sign. He wants to talk to me. I just don't want to see him. I don't want to talk about what happened between us. I don't think I can talk to him without throwing myself at him again. He's so beautiful, it hurts to look at him. I want him so much that just thinking about him makes me hard.

Damn it. He's concerned about the captain.carecares about her. I'd better not forget about that.

I try to force the thoughts of Tom out of my head, but it is virtually impossible. I feel obsessive. I've never reacted this way to anyone before him in my life, man or woman. It's never been like this Tom Tom either, not until I nearly raped him in the holodeck. Now it's like my entire body is waiting for me to finish what I started.

I can't do that. I have to remember that he doesn't want me. He wants Kathryn.

I repeat those words like a mantra in my head as I pick more fruits and vegetables. I try to enjoy being off the ship and in the sun for a while. I would have too, if it hadn't been for that ache inside me.

Tom...

CAPTAIN JANEWAY'S READY ROOM
HOU HOURS FRIDAY EVENING.

TOM

"I'm sorry to disturb you, Captain," I say as I enter her ready room.

"It's all rigLieuLieutenant. What can I do for you?" She smiles at me. The smile reaches her eyes as always, but I can still tell that she si tired, as if she hasn't slept enough for several nights.

"It's... " I fidget where I stand and she motions me to sit down.

"Can I get you something, Lieutenant?" She rises from the sofa, turning her back to me.

"Yes, thank you, Captain. A cup of coffee wouldn't hurt," I don't drink much coffee. It makes me fidgety, but now I need something to stall for time and coffee is the first thing that comes to mind.

She orders from the replicator and waits for me to go on.

"It's of a personal nature," I finally tell her.

"All right, Tom," she says, indicating that we've put away the titles for now, and she hands me the coffee. "There you go."

"Thanks," I say awkwardly. I've never before felt this uncomfortable in her presence. I put the mug on the table before me and rub my hands over my thighs. I'm pretty nervous. I don'tt tot to hurt her, and yet I'm pretty sure that's exactly what I'm about to do.

She goes back to the replicator and orders another cup of coffee for herself as if she needs time too.

"It's about Chakotay, isn't it?" she says softly and turns toward me, sipping cautiously from the steaming cup, holding it as if her hands are cold and she needs the warmth. She always cuts right to the heart of things. She is never one to procrastinate. I should have remembered that.

s,"s," I nod. "Something happened."

"Did he tell you?"

"Tell me what?"

She hesitates as if afraid to betray a confidence, but then evidently decides that I wouldn't have come here if I hadn't known quite a lot already.

"That we broke up. That it was because of you?"

It hurts hearing her say that, but it feels good too, knowing that she knows the reason. Knowing that Chakotay was honest with her. It's selfish of me, because I know that since she's aware of it, it won't hurt her as much when I tell her what I have to say.

"Yes, he told me that. Not in so many words." I rise and walk around the ready room running my fingers through my thinning hair in another nervous gesture. Damn, I'd forgotten how it felt to be this nervous. It doesn't happen that often anymore.

"Why are you here, Tom?" she asks softly. "Does it bother you, that he feels this way about you?"

"No," I stop pacing. "No! You've got it al wrong. I'm glad he feels that way. I've... " I stop myself. I'm not ready to bare my heart to this lady, no matter now much of a support she's been to me in the past. "I am worried about you, that's all. How do you feel about this?"

She rises, leaving the cup on the table and she puts her arms around her narrow frame. She looks so small suddenly, so lonely and yet so strong. She looks out through the window at the s. Ws. We pass them by at warp speed and they are like streaks of shining light. Her voice when replreplies is strong and steady.

"I want the best for both of you, Tom. I care about you. I love both of you in very different ways. You're the son I never had. And Chakotay... well, Chakotay. I could have loved him, but it wasn't meant to be, I guess."

"I don't want to hurt you," I admit softly.

She turns around then and looks at me. She walks over and puts a hand on my cheek and looks straight into my eyes.

"You can't hurt me anymore, Tom. Chakotay has already taken care of that, and it wasn't his fault really. We can't help the way we feel, and he doesn't feel enough for me. He loves me, I know that, but he doesn't want me. Not like he wants you."

Those words hit me like a fist to my midsection and I have to pull away and close my eyes. My mouth goes dry.

"How do you feel about him, Tom?"

"God, I don't know," I say, but then I turn silent. She at least deserves to hear the truth. "I love him, Kathryn. I love him uch uch it hurts."

"How long?"

I laugh shakily.

"Since the first time I saw him, on the bridge of his Maquis ship, seven years ago. I knew he was special, but I didn'' even know he was attracted to men. He never once let on."

"I don't think he admitted that particular truth to himself until just recently. The culture of his people doesncondcondone same-sex relationships. But we shouldn't be having this converstion," she sighs. "This is between you and Chakotay."

I nod and turn to leave. I can see that she needs to be alone, and she's more or less given me her blessing whis, Is, I realize, what I needed and hoped for.

"Tom," she says as I'm about to leave

"Yes?"

"Take good care of him. Make him happy."

A glimmer of tears on her cheeks is the last thing I see as she turns toward the window again.

When I leave it's with a strange mixture of feelings inside. I hurt, a lot, for her. At the same time hope is mounting in my chest. I long and I desire.

Chakotay, get back here. We have to talk. I have a chance at happiness. I pray that I won't screw it up as I have before with so many other important things in my life.


CHAKOTAY'S QUARTERS
2200 HOURS FRIDAY EVENING.

CHAKOTAY

As I get out of the shower, I contemplate not getting dressed again. It's good to be back on the ship, and it's so late now I think I'll just crash. I'm bone tired. Collecting those fruits and vegetables wasn't that bad. What drove me nuts was the looks from Harry. Damn, the kid looked like he wanted to smash my skull. Unfortunately we never had a chance to talk.

*bree-bop!*

Damn!

"Who is it?"

"It's me, Tom"

A chill runs through my entire body at that. I can literally feel the hairs stand on end at the back of my neck. I'm not in any mood to talk to Tom right now. I just want to sleep. I don't have the...

"Chakotay, please let me in. We have to talk."

His voice is pleading, as if he really does need to talk. He doesn't sound angry or anything. I feel the blush creep up on my cheeks as I remember what I did the last time I was alone with Tom Paris.

"Tom," I hear myself say. "I'm not in the mood to talk right now. I just need some time to myself. Besides, I'm not dressed."

"Chakotay. Let me in." Tom's voice changes. It's determined now and knowing him, he'll probably go get both B'Elanna and Harry to help him shortcircuit the lock to my cabin or something if I don't let him in. I sigh and disengage the privacy lock.

"Enter."

He steps inside and my heart leaps to my chest. I don't believe my eyes. He's dressed in a pair of tight, black jeans and a shirt that's so red my eyes hurt. It brings out the gold in his hair and the blue in his eyes. His hair is slightly damp as if he just got out of the shower. He is gorgeous, he looks reto sto seduce someone.

"Chief," he says softly and looks at me. His eyes are bright with desire as they watch me standing there, almost naked. "Why did you run from me?"

And then it's all so clear to me. I remember suddenly how his tongue buried itself deep inside my mouth as I kissed him. I remember the deep flush on his cheeks as I pressed against him there in the holodeck. I remember the hardness that met my own as I pushed him up against the wall. He wanted me too. Did I so completely misunderstand what's been going on?

"I, Tom... What are you doing here?"

"I came to finish what you started yesterday morning in the holodeck," he says, his voice is deep and husky and he walks toward me. I start to tremble even before he touches me. I harden when I see the desire in his eyes.

"Chakotay," he whispers. "Damn you. Don't you know I've wanted you since the first time I saw you? Couldn't you see that?"

I shake my head numbly and wait to see what he's going to do next. He steps even closer and puts his hands on my waist. I gasp. The touch is electric, so incredibly wished for. As his hands move downward to the edge of the towel wrapped around my waist I feel my legs tremble, and I'm afraid that they'll give way. I grasp at his hand like a vice and stop them. I lift my head to look into his eyes.

"Sssh, Chakotay," he whispers. "It's okay. I know this is new to you. You could have fooled me yesterday though... " He chuckles a little as he leans forward and our lips meet again, only this time it's soft, tender and still so incredibly arousing. I open my mouth to allow his tongue inside. I meet it eagerly with my own, quenching the fear that rears its head.

What are you doing, Chakotay, it asks me. What are you getting yourself into? You've never done this before. What do men do together?

Good god, Tom doesn't stop to let me take a breath. Gently he pushes me toward the bed and pulls the towel away. This timeet het him and he makes me lie down on the covers.

"Chakotay," he says. "You're gorgeous."

I lean back on the bed and close my eyes. I'm nervous. I can feel my heart beating like a rabbit's in my chest. I've never done anything like this before. My father would disown me if he knew what I was about to do. My mother would turn her back on me and my brothers would think I'd gone mad. My whole clan would not want me anymore, but I don't care, because Tom does. Tantsants me, and I want him. I want the happiness that no woman has ever been able to give me. I've never been so aroused in my life and he has barely touched me.

"Chief?"

I open my eyes.

"Look at me," he says, and pulls his shirt out of his pants sta starts unbuttoning it. I can't tear my eyes away from his hands as they open them all and the shirt falls apart to reveal a hairy chest. So different from my own smooth skin. I ache to touch him, and it is as if he realizes it, because he toes off his shoes, never letting his gaze drop from my face. I watch as he crawls onto the bed. It dips under his weight and I can only keep watching as he moves over me and straddles my hips.. I gasp as the rough fabric of his jeans brush against my cock. It's hard and he smiles.

"Oh, Chakotay. If only you knew how often I've wanted to see you like this."

"Tom," I whisper, the first word I've managed to utter in a long while. "Tom... " I repeat and reach out to touch his chest. It's warm under my hands and the hairs tickle my palms. It's a nice feeling that travels all the way through my body and I brush my fingertips over his nipples.

"Yeah, oh yes, Chief. You're doing good... so good."

It's movingt. It. Is it too fast, I wonder to myself, but no, I couldn't stop this even if I had to and I really don't want to. I've wanted this for too long.

"Tom," I whisper again. It seems to be the only worcan can get over my lips so I allow my hands to speak for me. I move them from his nipples to his shoulders, pushing the fabric off and the red shirt pools over my legs behind him. It's soft and cool to the touch, satiny. He reaches behind him and pulls it off my legs and drops it on the floor. As he does so I keep log atg at him. He is slender, but muscular, and I am shocked to realize how much the sight of him arouses me. No woman has managed to arouse me this way in my life, just by looking at her.

"Beautiful," I whisper.

His eyes widen as if he can't believe his ears and I remember the harsh words and the insults I've thrown over this man throughohe yhe years. It's unbelievable that he wants to share this with me. But I'm grateful. My hands on his shoulders tighten around the warm flesh and I pull him to me, impatiently. The need that caught me by such surprise in the holodeck is back and I press my lips to his in an eager kiss. He moans into my mouth and it inflames me. My hands move from his shoulders down his back to the waistband of his jeans. I move my hands to the front and quickly opens the button and the zipper. I can't wait to feel him against me. I can't wait to see that gorgeous, hard cock. It's hard for me. He wants me just like I want him and the thought is driving me insane.

"Tom," I moan impatiently. "Get these off."

He pulls back, his mouth is swollen from my kisses and his breathing is ragged. His his mis mussed an loo looks totally... fuckable.

Fuckable.

Oh shit.

I see his eyes darken and I wonder if he understands what I'm thinking.

He next words tell me he does.

"What do you want, Chakotay?" he says. "Tell me what you want and I'll do it."

"No," I whisper. "What do you want, Tom?"

He bites his lip.

"It's too soon. This is your first time. We don't have to rush things."

I close my eyes. He talks like he wants more, like this isn't just a onetime deal. What does he want from me? I don't have the guts to ask. I open my eyes again and look at him. He's sitting there, still straddling my hips with his hands at his pants, ready to push them down and take them off.

"I want you to get those off of you and then, Tom. I want you to fuck me."

"All right, if you're sure."

"I'm sur I s I say, trying to prevent my voice from trembling.

He doesn't let go of my gaze, but he gets up from the bed and pulls his pants off. He's hard, so hard and his cock is long and thick enough. It's gorgeous, just like him. Then he turrounround and pulls something from the pocket of his jeans.

Lubricant.

"Don't get me wrong here, Chakotay... " he says and looks a bit uncomfortable. "I didn't take this for granted, but I thought it was... "

"Tom, be quiet and get back here," I say, and pull him back to bed with me. The tube of lubricant falls to the bed as I draw him down for a kiss. His lips are warm, moist and eager against mine. It's incredible to finally be allowed to kiss those lips. His eyes are beautiful, grayish blue in the strong light.

"Computlowelower lights to 25 percent."

"Ah, always the romanticist," Tom teases, but the laughter in his eyes dies away almost instantly and he bends down to kiss me again.

CHAKOTAY'S QUARTERS
2230 HOURS FRIDAY EVENING.

TOM

Oh shit, he wants me to fuck him. I could come just by hearing him say that. I look at him where he's lying on the bed. He's gorgeous, flushed and horny like hell. But what gets to me even more than that is the look in his eyes. They're determined, scared and yet so full of desire and something I never tho I' I'd see in Chakotay's eyes. He looks at me with love. I close my eyes and kiss him again, I press my body to his, loving the sensation of his thick cock pressing against mine. He's so hot, so hard and so slick. I want him. God, I want to fuck him but he's never done this before. What if I hurt him? I want him too much. I close my eyes and try not to shake as I pull back and grab the tube of lubricant.

"Are you sure about this, Chakotay? I'd love it if you fuck me just as much or we don't have to do this. I could suck you off..."

He looks like he's about to shoot his load right away. He moans and puts an arm over his eyes.

"Tom, shut up. You could fucking talk me to orgasm here, so please just be quiet and fuck me."

I just groan at that and look at him. He smiles wryly, but there's satisfaction in the smile. I know he enjoys the realization that I'm just as ready to come as he is, just by listening to each other. He's got a great voice. He could make me come just by talking to me, I'm sure. We'll have to try that sometime, but not now.

Not now.

I open the cap to the tube and throw it aside. Coating my cock takes only a second before it's slick enough. Then I leanwardward and put my hand on his thigh.

"Relax," I whisper.

"Relax?" he says with a throaty chuckle and looks at me. "I'm about to fucking come here and you want me to relax." He groans and again throws his arm over his eyes.

"Don't do that."

"What?"

"I want to look at you.
He
He blushes but takes his arm away from his face and as my hand moves over to his opening, he bites his lip.

"Don't do that either..."

"What?"

"I want to hear you moan. I love it when you moan, Chakotay."

"Oh god," he grunts. "Our first time together and you're already making demands."

"Yeah, you just better get used to it."

Our eyes meet then and our gazes lock and hold. We both know how much those words mean.

I enter one finger. He gasps. I move it around and push in as much of the lubricant as I can. Then I enter the second finger, and he gasps, but it's not from pain. I can tell that much. He seems shocked, as if he'd never expected it to be so good. Wickedly, I move my fingers around, trying to find that special spot inside, then I scissor my fingers inside him and this time he bites his lip but lets go immediately and releashe mhe moan. It spills over his lips and I gasp too. I want to be inside him now, so badly.

"Tom, come on. Don't do this to me. Fuck me."

"You're still too tight, I don't want this to hurt at all."

"I can take a little pain. This is so good, Tom. Come on."

I move my fingers around a little bit more and when he begs me once more I pull them out and position myself. Slowly, I press into him, the ring of muscle tight against the head of my cock and I moan and I can't look at him anymore. It's too good, I have to control the entering or I'll hurt him.

"Fuck me, Tom," he begs again and I push once more. A groan of pain escapes him as I slide inside him, all the way to the hilt. My balls are resting against his ass cheeks and my cock is deeply buried inside him. He's tight, hot and so good.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay," I mumble. "I didn't want to hurt you."

"I'm okay. I'm okay. You feel good, Tom."

I stay like that for a moment as I lift my head to look at him. He looks like he's okay and when he wiggles a bit I start to move and soon the groans spilling over his lips tells me with every certainty that he's enjoying himself.

"God, Tom. That's good."

Then his hands are on my ass pulling me closer, urging me on.

CHAKOTAY

I never even imagined it could feel so good being fucked. He's filling me, pushing inside me, brushing against that spot inside me with every stroke. I'm not going to be able to hold off for very long. Just being so close to him is making me so hot.

His ragged breathing is arousing, the way he lets out a little grunt each time he buries himself to the hilt inside me. The way the light plays over his furry chest, the only thing I don't like right now is that I can't pull him down to me, that I can't suck on his lips and his tongue. I want to touch him, and feel his skin against mine as he's pounding into me. Then his hand is around my cock and I let out a surprised groan. Oh, that feels so good, his hot, firm fingers moving over it. Oh god, the thumb brushing over the glans, the fingers fisting me. Oh shit, it's too much, the pleasure is building, gather in my gut, and I know I'm going to come. It's been so long since anything felt so good.

"Tom... oh man, Tom... Tom... "

And I let go, allowing myself to enjoy the intense pleasure that's washing over me as I come, hard. I feel the semen splattering over my chest as it pours out of me in violent jerks.

"So good, Tom."

"I know, ow..ow..."

He keeps fucking me, the hard cock going fast. He changes position, leaning over me and I pull my legs up so he's almost lying on top of me and his eyes are begging for a kiss. I lift my head to meat his lips and as they meet I can feel his moans in my own mouth as he's fucking me quickly now. He's coming and it's the most erotic feeling I've ever felt, His face drawn tight with the pleasure, his eyes screwed shut and his breathing so ragged it's coming in short, agonized pants.

"Oh God," he grunts. "So good."

"Chakotay"

"So good."

"So tight, so hot."

"Oh fuck!"

And I can feel his cock contracting inside me as he comes. Violently. And I lie back on the bed, closing my eyes as I feel him slip out of me, and relaxing in my arms. He seems content to lie there, but I can tell that the mess in my bed is going to glue us together permanently if we don't move.

"Tom?"

"Yeah," he murmurs from where he's lying with his head on my chest."

"We're going to be permanently attached if we don't clean up."

"Oh shit Chakotay. Relax for a minute. I'm dying here. I think I blacked out for a sec. That was the damn best fuck I've had in my life and you can't stand snuggling for a minute or two?"

I relax then. Maybe a few minutes will be okay. I put my arm on his back and caress him absentmindedly.

"Mmm," he purrs. "That's good, that's much better."

And he's right. It does feel good. Tom's in my bed and in my arms and somehow I know that everything's going to be fine.

"I love you, Tom," I whisper.

"Yeah, I know. You've had a funny way of showing it, but I know."

He lifts his head and looks at me and then he smiles.

"Do we have to talk?" he asks. "Or are we okay?"

"I think we're okay," I whisper. "What did you come here to talk about anyway?"

"I wanted to tell you that I talked to Kathryn last night, but I got distracted."

"You talked to Kathryn..."

"Yeah."

"About?"

"You."

"What did you say?"

"That I love you too."

"Uh-huh?" I feel my chest tighten at that, and my arm around him tightens as well. God I'm such a lucky man. "What did she have to say about that?"

"She gave me her blessing."

"Is she okay?"

"She will be."

We're both silent for a while, but then I look at him.

"That shower would be a good idea right about now."

"Yeah, okay. Let's go."

Together we walk over to the bathroom. My eyes are glued to his gorgeous ass. Next time, it's my turn...

END