Numb

A dreary, hazy gray settled over the entire city in the earliest hours of morning. Rain streamed down the small, dingy window of a crowded, one bedroom apartment overlooking the subway and a noisy garage across a busy street. Thunder boomed loudly making the window rattle lightly and waking the room's one resident from a light, disquieted slumber.
Luka Kovac sat up slowly and swung his legs over the side of the bed. Resting his elbows on his knees, he buried his face in his hands and sat very still for a long moment, listening to the rapidly approaching storm. Electric blue light shot through the room in a blaze making him raise his head towards the window.
Standing and stretching his long, unclad torso towards the sky, he made his way slowly to the room's only source of light.
With a heavy, shuddering sigh he leaned his head against the cool pane of glass and watched as the rain fell heavily onto the street below. A mournful expression covered his dark features, an expression that seemed to be there more often than not these past few years.
He tried hard to not let the pain that he carried in his heart overtake his life. He tried to distance himself from the memories of his past. He realized now that he would never be able to run from them, that he was going to have to learn to live with the pain.
He had tried to run. He had tried with a steady stream of meaningless, sexual relationships with women, most of which he could eve even remember. He had tried to run using liquor and not resting long enough to give himself a chance to think. He had tried by almost killing himself in Africa. But nearly dying of Malaria had changed all that. It had changed him and mostly it made him see that Danijela and his children wouldn't have wanted this life for him. They would have wanted him to be happy again. They would have wanted him to move on.
And he tried. He tried everyday to not think about them every second. He tried to put the images of his Marko and Jasna from his mind, to not see them every time he saw a child in pain. He tried to make himself get past the memory of them hugging him tightly before he left their apartment that morning almost thirteen years ago.
He tried to forget the sound that rang out everywhere, making his chest cave as he turned and saw the build he had just left fall to the ground. The horrible, crashing, penetrating, booming sound of an artillery shell.
But he couldn't get past the rain. Rain was his weakness. It had been raining the last time he remembered being truly happy. He was standing outside his apartment, Marko and Jasna each holding to one of his legs as they watched their mother dancing in a mid summer downpour that had caught them outdoors. She spun slowly opening her arms and letting the cool rain cover her completely. Long, dark hair plastered to her beautiful smiling face as she motioned to him and the children to join her. Luka had felt his pulse quicken as he watched her dress conform to every curve of her body. The children ran to her without hesitating and began to dance in circles around her legs. Luka had just stood back and watched for a long while, unable to keep the smile from his face and eternally thankful for the family that stood before him.
The next day his life had fallen apart.
He felt tears beginning to burn his eyes as the memory grabbed him and wouldn't let him go. Blinking, the warmth flowed down his cheeks and this time instead of running or pushing them away, he embraced them, letting the tears flow of their own accord. The pain in his chest was almost unbearable as the tears turned towards sobs.
He crossed to the bed and fell into it, gripping his pillow to his chest and hugging it tightly. He let himself feel for the first time since leaving Croatia. He let the agony take him where it wanted to. Loneliness, sorrow, d ded ded devastation poured from him as freely as his tears. How could someone recover from something so devastating ? How could anyone carry on with their lives after something so horrible ?
Abby had tried to help him. She had tried to make him come to terms with his past, telling him that the only solution was to keep getting out of bed day after day, getting dressed day after day, doing what he needed to do to survive and soon the pain wouldn't control his every waking hours. Soon he would be able to feel something besides pain.
After thirteen years, he still hadn't been able to accomplish that. Thirteen years of sorrow. Thirteen years of numbness. He had become numb. That is how he had learned to deal with it
Now he wanted more than anything to feel something genuine again that wasn't painful. He was ready to be happy again. He wanted to experience joy. He wanted to feel elation at knowing the smile on a child's face was put there by him again. He wanted to stare into the eyes of woman and know she thought he was the greatest man on earth again.

He was ready to start over.

Samantha Taggart stood staring out her small, dingy window halfway across town, thinking almost the same thoughts. The rain pouring down outside had turned her mood gloomy, not that her mood was really ever anything but gloomy, but the rain seemed to make it worse.
She brought her mug of coffee to her lips and took a soothing drink, feeling the liquid fill her, warming her from the inside. That is what she needed. She needed to feel warm again. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt anything but cold and unsure. She tried her best to hid that uncertainty with an outward attitude of confidence, but she knew anyone that looked close enough would able to see her shaky foundation. That was the thing she feared most, that someone would find out she wasn't in control. That someone would see that she wasn't okay.
She hadn't been okay in ten years. She hadn't been okay since the day the doctor told her she didn't have the flu. The day she learned she was pregnant with Alex. She never imagined she would be a sixteen year old mother. She never imagined that the man she had decided in her youthful optimism was her one true love would turn and run as fast as he could from the family he had helped create. She never imagined that her mother, the only family she had left since her father's death, would turn her back on her as well.
Now here she was ten years later, starting over yet again. It wasn't bad enough that she had to build a life for her and Alex alone. But Steve had to keep showing up and ruining everything she had painstakinglilt ilt every time she felt her feet were under her again. She kept running, knowing that sooner or later he would find her and she would have to run again.
Alex had been barely three months old the first time he had found her. He showed up at her door filling her naïve head full of talk about love and family and she had listened. That was the worst mistake she had ever made. Listening to Steve had never been a good idea. Listening to Steve had brought her life to the place where it was now. She had let him move in with her, grateful for the help he was supposed to be giving her, grateful for having someone to share Alex with. That help had never come. Despite her pleading in exhaustion for him to get up in the middle of the night with the baby, he refused. He had never given more than a passing glance of his attention to Alex. All she had gotten out of the deal as a threat if she didn't leave him alone. But backing down had never been in Sam's nature. One night after yet another loud argument, he had hit her.
Even now, looking out at the rain, she could still feel the sting on her cheek. It was something she would always remember. That had been the first time he had hit her and it was also the last. She had picked up Alex that night,packed what she could fit in her car and driven until she ran out of gas. That was the first of four times she had run from him. Every time driving as far and as fast as she could.
The last time had been a week ago and had landed her in Chicago. Having started out in Boston, she was amazed at how far she had come. But this was something she had accepted long ago. She wouldn't let Steve hurt Alex, or worse, turn him into what he was. Usually, when Steve found her, he would play on her guilt, telling her he had changed and that he wanted to get to know Alex better. But as soon as she relented and let him back in, he become the pn hen he had always been. She never let things get to the point of violence anymore. When things became stressful between them, she left.
She knew what she was doing wasn't the best thing for Alex but she couldn't help it. Every time Steve came back, her mind went back to the way she felt about her father. She wanted more than anything in the world for Alex to feel that kind of bond. She wanted Alex to know what a father was really supposed to be. So, she gave him a chance and every time she realized he hadn't changed a bit.
But deep down she also knew it wasn't just Alex she was doing ir. Sr. She needed to feel loved, too. She craved the feeling of having someone to share her life with. She let herself believe him, because she wanted to, desperately.
She didn't want to be alone anymore. But every time she took Alex away from Steve she could see how much it hurt him. She didn't want to start a relationship with someone she couldn't guarantee would be around for him. It was one thing for her to get hurt. It was entirely different when it was Alex that got hurt. He had been hurt enough in his life. She wouldn't be responsible for hurting him again.
A soft sound behind her brought her out of her revelry. Turning, she found Alex standing in the doorway behind her.
" What's wrong, Mom ? " he asked, quietly coming to her and wrapping his arms around her waist.
Sam realized that her cheeks were wet from tears she didn't even know she was shedding.
Wiping her hand across her face quickly, returned her sons hug.
" Nothing, Sweetie. " she lied.
Alex was silently for a moment. Then he looked up into her face. " I get scared when I have to start at a new school, too. But don't worry, it's going to be okay. "
Sam stared down at him in wonderment. " You're right, " she whispered, placing a light kiss on top of his head. " It is going to be okay. "