Love's Sweet Revenge

This story originally appeared in the fanzine "Whatever Gets You Through the Night #2".

Thanks to everone who has encouraged me to keep going with this storyline and these two boys in the time since I originally wrote this tale. I love writing about them and I'm glad you enjoy reading about them. Thankso too to Range Ryder for beta-reading this for me and helping to make it that much better!

This story is set sometime after the episode "The Quill is Mightier...", though exactly when following that isn't very important!

Archive: Only with my permission, thanks.

Disclaimer: not my characters, not my show. The following is written purely for fun & not for
profit.

Feedback: sidewinderartharthlink.net

* * * * *

Aphrodite was, this particular quiet afternoon on Mount Olympus, happily immersed in her favorite pastime: admiring her gorgeous reflection in a full-length mirror.

"Sister, when you've got it, you've got it," she sighed, content to see no delicate blonde curl out of place, no fold of her translucent peach gown the least bit wrinkled. As always, the Goddess of Love was the image of absolute beauty and feminine perfection.

She could have continued fussing over and admiring her appearance for hours, perhaps even days (for what was time to an immortal?), but her primping was interrupted by an unexpected visit.

"Yo, mom. Working hard as usual?" a familiar voice called to her from the entryway of her temple.

Greeting her son, only mildly annoyed at the interruption, she replied, "Oh, hello Cupid. And just so you know, maintaining my image /I> hard work. Don't knock how important appearances are, especially for us Gods. So," she finally turned away from the mirror, "what brings you by?"

"Actually, a matter of appearances, now that you mention it." Cupid crossed his muscled, bronzed arms and leaned against the wall. "I figured you must be... preoccupied...otherwise you would've noticed that another one of your temples has been trashed."

"What?!" the Goddess roa the then she groaned in misery, "Oooh, not vandals again! If Ares is up to another one of his silly games..."

"I don't think it was Ares this time, or simply random vandals. Come with me and see for yourself."

* * * * *

Moments later, the two arrived in the temple in a burst of golden light and showering rose petals. 'Dite looked around in distress, a little relieved to find no insulting graffiti this time, but..."My tapestries! The gemstones in my a! Oo! Oooooh!" She was growing red with fury, which was not a pretty combination with her delicate pink gown. "Doesn't anyone have any respect for the Goddess of Love any more? Who steals from a sacred temple-one of my temples!"

"Well, if it's any consolation, it seems the thief in question left you his calling card." Cupid picked up a scroll that lay on the floor in front of the altar. Breaking the scroll's seal, he opened it and read: "This burglary courtesy the King of Thieves. Services for hire; reasonable rates." Cupid looked up from the words and thought for a moment. "'The King of Thieves'... the only person who goes by that title is a mortal by the name of Autolycus."

"Well, this Autolycus is just asking for it, isn't he?" Aphrodite snarled with as much ire as she could muster. Her image may have been soft and loving, but she was going to put her foot doboutbout this before mortals got the idea she was an easy target. "Stealing from me and then bragging about it! I'm gonna give it to him, and No one disses me by stealing from my temples and gets away with it."

"What exactly do you have in mind?" Cupid asked warily. He was beginning to regret bringing the incident to his mother's attention, for she was starting to get that look in her eyes. He knew 'Dite could be a real terror when crossed, and it was more than a few times that he'd surreptitiously worked to help abate the damage she'd caused in her fouler moods.

Her eyes nard and and with a devilish but still adorable grin, she replied, "Oh, nothing...but a little turnabout. I'm going to make sure this 'King of Thieves' lives to regret playing games with the Queen of Hearts. Thanks, kiddo, I owe you one."

And with that, she disappeared in a flowery burst. Cupid sighed and shook his head. There wasn't much he could do now, as he had his own Godly duties to attend to. But he made a note to himself to check in on Mommy Dearest later to see exactly what kind of games she had in mind for her latest victim.

* * * * *

It didn't take her long to find this mortal Autolycus-she was, after all, a God, possessing such powers as were necessary to do these sorts of things-and it took her even less time to decide upon the perfect plan for her revenge...

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"No!"

"Oh. Okay. ...But you're sure you can't-"

"NO! Exactly what aspect of the word 'No' is escaping you?"

"Okay, okay, I just wanted to help." Joxer the Mighty, Warrior for Hire, Master of Mayhem and all around dangerous fellow (or so he liked to tell people) struggled to keep pace with Autolycus. "I'm just trying to...broaden my horizons, you know. Pick up a few new skills."

"Oh really? Well, consider picking them up elsewhere. I don't need a sidekick."

"I'm not a sidekick, I'm a-"

"Warrior, I know. So you've told me. Repeatedly. I still don't need anyone helping me. I work alone."

"You worked with my brother Jett."

"That was different."

"How?"

"Well, you know Jett. He's..."

"Bloodthirsty and psychotic?"

"True, but I was thinking more along the lines of 'quick-witted,' 'highly skilled', maybe 'bold' and 'daring'..."

"Okay, I get it, I get it."

Autolycus sighed, wondering what it was going to take to get the Master of Misfits off his tail. It was just his luck he'd run into Xena and Gabrielle's annoying groupie-though he had a growing sense it was less luck and more Joxer having purposefully set out to harass him for a change. Maybe the two ladies had finally grown sick and tired of him. Auto marveled at their patience that it had taken so long.

The King of Thieves was keeping up a quick pace through the marketplace of the village Arta, hoping maybe he could lose Joxer amid the crowd, but was having no such luck. The guy was sticking to him like horse dung to the bottom of thicktreaded boots. "Why aren't you off tagging along with your buddies Xena and Gabrielle?" he finally asked.

Joxer shrugged, the movement causing a loud rattling of his ridiculous armor. "They went on some super-secret mission without me. Said they would probably be gone for a month, maybe longer. C'mon, Autolycus, please?" he started whining. "I'm bored. I can't find any evil warlords to battle..."

"Too bad," Autolycus muttered, rather savoring the possibility of Joxer losing his irritating head in a foolhardy battle. He didn't have time to deal with this character right now; he had a potentially dangerous robbery to plan, and a client waiting to pay him admirably for it. He had to think, to prepare...and he had women he'd like to visit to help his mind...focus...on the job at hand...

Meanwhile, Aphrodite observed the two men arguing, her amusement growing by the second. It was an unexpected bonus to find Joxer tagging along with her target. She already knew he was a mortal who could be amusing to use in her plans. Who better to involve in getting a little revenge in against the King of Thieves? The man's distaste for Joxer was apparent to anyone, Godly or not...well, except for Joxer himself. That seemed to be his problem with the world in general-he was beyond clueless.

A gentle wave of her hand and the thought projected from her mind was all it took to cast her enchantment and set her plan in motion. Joxer was too busy babbling on and on to notice how Autolycus had suddenly stopped den hin his tracks, a strange sensation buzzing through his mind, leaving him dizzy and confused. Indeed, Joxer ended up crashing right into the halted thief, nearly knocking them both onto the ground.

"Oomph! Sorry," Joxer apologized.

"That's...that's okay," Autolycus said distractedly, suddenly wondering why he had been trying to get rid of Joxer. Why on Earth would he want to get rid of this charming, handsome...irresistible... man whom he...

Loved?!

Aphrodite giggled in glee. She'd merely employed one of her standard lust hazes, but as she often told Cupid, Love really only boiled down to a bad case of hormonal overload. And Autolycus? His hormones had just gone critical. This was going to be just too much fun to watch...

"You know, I was just thinking, maybe you're right. I think you are the perfect man to help me with this job," Autolycus suddenly changed his tune.

"Really? I mean-" Joxer straightened himself out quickly, "-of course I am! I'm Joxer the Mighty!"

"Yeah, though speaking of Jett reminded me of something..." You in that tight, sexy black leather outfit that Jett wore...giving me shivers just thinking about it... "C'mon, why don't we grab something to eat and make some plans...We've got a lot of preparations to make...and please, call me Auto. Can I call you Jox...?" Arm around Joxer's surprised shoulders, Autolycus led him back towards the center of the village marketplace.

"See you later, boys." Aphrodite waved after them, though no one could see her. Gods traveled invisible to mortal eyes except when necessary. "And by all means, don't behave yourselves while I'm gone."

* * * * *

A few hours later, after taking stock of necessary supplies and finishing other arrangements, the thief and the warrior departed Arta. Joxer was clearly excited by the prospect of a new adventure, though he was completely unaware of the real reason he had been included and was oblivious to the extent to which Autolycus so desired his company at the moment. The King of Thieves intended to keep it that way for the time being, though his mind was working hard on two different yet very important tasks: the robbery they were about to undertake, and how he was going to seduce Joxer.

The robbery hopefully would be a fairly standard hit and run-and low on the hitting and fast on running, which was the way Autolycus liked to operate. His client was a reasonably well to do and respected local craftsman by the name of Verascon. The man's home had recently been ransacked when he'd refused to pay the local warlord and general allaround troublemaker, Thrakkus, any "protection money" on his jewelry and gemstone business. The damage the thugs sent by Thrakkus had done to Verascon's house had been bad enough, but they'd also stolen several family heirlooms to cover that protection fee Verascon had earlier refused. Now, the tradesman wanted those items back desperately, and had hired Autolycus to retrieve them for him-by whatever means necessary.

"Now, if I pull this off, you realize this Thrakkus will no doubt figure out it was you who hired someone to retrieve the jewels, that it wasn't just some random attack. And if what you've told me about him is true, he won't just have your house trashed in revenge," Autolycus had warned in his discussions with the potential client. "He'll probably go right after you and your family. Are you sure you want that?" Auto didn't normally have much of a ciencience when it came to the motivations and fates of his clients, but he wanted to make sure this man knew what he was getting himself into with his request.

Verascon had merely shaken his head in dismissal of Auto's concerns. "I have already packed off my family to Pirgos, where we are going to reopen our business in hopefully much more...pleasant surroundings. Build a new home...start everything over somewhere far away from this place and these thugs. I was growing restless in my old age regardless of these recent events, ready to move on to somewhere new, long before Thrakkus made camp in the hillside near here and started terrorizing Arta.

"No, I only want our family's possessions back before I leave here myself to rejoin them. I'll pay any reasonable price for your services, for I'm told you're the best man for the job. It's not the money that matters to me, but my family's honor."

"Well, what you've heard is right-I am the best. I'll be in touch when I've got your jewels."

That had been yesterday, and Auto had spent most of his time since then investigating the situation and his options, until running into Joxer. It was a good day's journey on foot to reach Thrakkus' stronghold from Arta, so they'd needed to purchase some supplies before leaving. Or rather, Auto had stolen them. Paying for what he could easily pilfer was not a thought that usually crossed the master thief's mind.

He had talked to whomever else in Arta was willing to speak out against the local bully. There hadn't been many, for most of the villagers were afraid they might be the next target of the warlord's ire if word ever got back to him. Still, there had been a few who would speak and had provided information he could use. These had included a number of women of...questionable repute, to put it nicely...who had seen the warlord's stronghold firsthand while "paying their respects" to the warlord's goons, as well as Thrakkus himself. The men had not been pleasant company and hadn't even tipped well for the services rendered, so the women were more than eager to take part in any plan to get back at the thugs. Auto had acquired enough information to get a general sense of the layout of the warlord's small fortress, where the valuables might be hidden, and how he would most likely be able to sneak inside with minimal resistance.

"...And even better luck for us," Autolycus was explaining to Joxer as they began their trek out of the village into the countryside, "word is that our man Thrakkus is currently several days to the south of here, helping out one of his buddies in a turf dispute. That means the homefront oughtta be less guarded than usual. So with luck we'll be able to get the jewels, hand 'em over to the client, and hightail it out of this neck of the woods before Thrakkus returns and finds out what has happened. All in all," Auto concluded, "I...we...could barely ask for a better setup."

"You know, I bet Xena'd be interested in hearing what this guy is up to around here when she gets back," Joxer remarked. "She's got a real thing about nasty warlords picking on innocent people like this...I'd like to teach this guy Thrakkus a few things about pushing around these villagers myself...let him deal with the wrath of Joxer the Mighty! See what he'd have to say about that. Yeah..."

Auto smiled to himself. Joxer was just so cute when he started in with that delusional talk about his prowess. Of course, Auto added to himself, Joxer's always cute. He's just particularly adorable when he scrunches up his eyes like that, trying to put on a menacing sneer. Auto thought Joxer ended up looking more like he was badly constipated when he did so-but it was still adorable. Auto gently told the warrior, "Remember, right now we're not out to be heroes. We're simply doing a job for a client, and for the significant financial reward that's been promised. Xena can do whatever she wants about Thrakkus later. It's not our problem."

"Okay, I unders. I\. I'll do whatever you say, Autolycus. I mean Auto. This is just kind of new to me, you know? I should come up with a new verse for my song about this..."

I so hope you mean that, about doing whatever I say, Auto sighed to himself. He couldn't understand how he'd been so blind to Joxer's allure before now. The realization had suddenly hit him out of nowhere and left his mind reeling since then. Had he been blind before? The man was irresistible-goofy and clumsy, true, but that was in fact part of his charm. It must have been denial, Auto's not wanting to admit to his attraction to another man, that had kept him from seeing this until now. At least, that was how he had begun to rationalize his feelings at the moment.

"Joxer the Mighty,

Roams through the countryside,

He never needs a place to hide..."

The song was taunting Autolycus, making it even harder for him to think straight about anything. He couldn't get it out of his head, even when Joxer stopped singing, which admittedly he rarely did. And when Joxer wasn't singing, he usually was talking instead, so the sweet-if somewhat nasal-sound of his voice followed Auto through the forest, usually just a few steps behind him. So close and yet so far...

"Lessee...hmmm....companion...? No, too many syllables. Ummm...cohort? Not quite...Ah! How about:

"Comrade to the King of Thieves,

Noble and righteous are their deeds,

Stealing fortunes from evil men...

"Um...hmmm..." Joxer was stuck for the next rhyme.

"Best of friends, 'till the bitter end?" Autolycus suggested.

"Really?" Joxer asked. "Hmm...yeah, I think that works. Wow, thanks Autoly-Auto," and he started the verse over again, pouring all his heart into the song.

Auto knew he really needed to focus on the job, but being this close to Joxer, having Joxer singing about him no less, was driving him mad. He yearned to stop right then and there in the middle of the woods, tackle Joxer to the grassy ground, and make wild and crazy love to him 'till the sun set and then rose the next morning...However, he feared successfully bedding the strong warrior was going to take a little more work than that. He wanted to do it just right, and while seducing a woman presented little if any challenge to Auto anymore, he had no experience doing it with a man. What should he say-and how should he say it? How would Joxer react to his invitation? Was there any hope he could return Auto's affections? Auto knew the young man had some sort of thing for Gabrielle, as hopeless as that was...How in the world did Auto stand a chance to win his heart instead?

The only thing he knew was he'd somehow have to build up Joxer's trust in him. Gim cim completely comfortable. Relaxed. If they could pull off this job together, he hoped perhaps that would be enough.

"Joxer the Mighty

He's very tidy

Everyone admires him

He's so handsome it's a sin..."

Oh, but until then, this journey is going to be pure agony, Autolycus sighed miserably to himself. This wasn't like him. The King of Thieves wasn't supposed to be susceptible to longing this intense. It clouded his wits, and those wits were what kept him alive and what had won him his title as the King. He didn't fall in...love. The word itself sent shivers of terror down his spine. But it was the only way he could think to describe what he was feeling.

"I'm not annoying you by singing, am I?"

"Not at all, Jox."

"Really? Okay. Cool. 'Cause, you know, I think it really bothers Xena and Gabby when I sing. Especially Gabby. But I just like to sing. It helps...get me in that warrior spirit, you know."

"Then sing all you want, it doesn't bother me at all. Sing that verse about me again."

"You really like it? Okay...

"Joxer the Mighty,

Comrade to the King of Thieves,

Noble and righteous are their deeds,

Stealing goods from evil men,

Best of friends, 'till the bitter end!"

Yeah, Autolycus liked the sound of that. A lot. Now to turn those words into reality...

"For blood...valor...and victory! Ha ha!"

* * * * *