Lacrimosa

Major Mirkwood stepped through the Gate to Atlantis and was greeted by Doctor Weir welcoming her and her team. Next to Doctor Weir stood Colonel Sheppard who was eyeing the newcomer intensely.

“I believe General Landry explained you me being here, so lets skip that part. Could someone show my men to their quarters?” asked Major and looked around in the Gateroom. She smirked as she thought of Doctor Daniel Jackson who had to be green with envy.

“Yes, of course,” said Doctor Weir and called someone to escort the airmen out of the Gateroom. Major watched them go and then turned to look at Doctor Weir who tried to be on top of things. She asked Major to come her office so they could talk a bit but Major declined, saying she needed to visit the library if she wanted to accomplish the mission given to her.

Major Mirkwood walked off like she knew the city by heart. Doctor Weir turned to Colonel Sheppard who was strangely quiet. Major had left quite an expression on him.

“Keep an eye on her, John,” she ordered and Colonel Sheppard went after her.
***
A horrified scream echoed from the Infirmary when Doctor Weir left with a hidden smile on her face. Doctor Beckett rushed past her with Colonel Sheppard on his tail. Doctor Weir kept walking and the smile grew wider with each step she took. Soon she started to laugh.

Major Mirkwood was gasping for air. All her insides seemed to be on fire and when Doctor Beckett touched her to examine her, it felt so painful. Colonel Sheppard ordered him to leave her alone.

“Ilmatar,” he hushed as he stepped closer but Major crept away from him, “No one is going to hurt you.” She was a beautiful mess in his eyes and Sheppard wanted to hug her but was afraid to frighten her even more. Doctor Beckett watched him try to calm her down but the scared look on her pained face made him look for sedatives and painkillers.

“Hey, it’s all right. You are here with us,” said Sheppard and reached out to her when Doctor Beckett came with a syringe full of relaxing cocktail.

“No!” screamed Mirkwood when she saw the needle and was about to jump out of bed when Sheppard grabbed her and pinned her down. She was screaming and kicking but Doctor managed to stab her with the needle. For few minutes she was still struggling but then the drugs kicked in and she blacked out. Sheppard pulled her back into the bed and looked at her in misery.

“What happened?” he asked but didn’t want to know the answer. He looked at her sleeping form. She was so calm, hardly breathing. Was she alive?

Yes, she was and she was in heaven full of sycophantic dreams. Her wounds were healing but demanded revenge when Hivequeen had spoken venomous doubts into her heart. The luminous mask of cold emptiness had fallen when the demon had found her deceitfully beating heart. In that pandemonium she had lost her shield of torment and sorrow. Hivequeen had carved letters of her death song onto her gravestone when she had felt her awoken soul flee from her body.
***
Colonel Sheppard had found her from a small library of what he had had no idea of. She was sitting on the floor and skimmed holographic entries of Atlanteans logs before her eyes. Luminous rows of text lighted her pale face, making her eyes glow like diamonds. He couldn’t look away from her. Her cold beauty mesmerized him. She looked somewhat sad but the determined look on her face shadowed that.

“Staring is rude, Colonel,” she said without looking at him or getting up in respect. Sheppard raised one eyebrow. That Major had some attitude and normally he would have taught a lesson to that brat but somehow it allured him instead. She was still not facing him or showing any respect and she didn’t need to. Sheppard had heard about her higher authority and that actually concerned him a bit. What if she takes over the whole command here?

“Arrogance is rude,” he said and then added, “Major,” to state her lower rank.

“Is there anything specific that you want, Colonel? Or do you just waste my time? I have a mission here, you know,” she said viciously and looked up. Her cold eyes sparkled like ice-diamonds in the glow and made him back away.

“Nah, just wanted to ask if you are hungry. They are serving chicken today and when you are not fast enough, McKay will eat everything in the menu,” he slipped into a charming mode and chuckled to show he was not threatening her in any way that could have ended with him before Senator Mirkwood getting a death penalty.

Major stared at him long and hard before saying quietly that she would like to have a small bite before continuing with her research. Sheppard smiled genuinely and offered her his hand to pull her up to her feet. Mirkwood was a bit hesitant to even touch him but then just sighed and let him treat her like gentleman.
***
Three days had passed and Major Mirkwood’s condition hadn’t improved. Whenever she woke up, she was in great pain and Doctor Beckett figured it was better to keep her drugged. Her physical wounds were almost healed but the haunting pain was still there.

“What is wrong with her, doc?” asked Sheppard the same question over and over again when he visited her in the Infirmary. And each time Doctor Beckett had no answer to his question. All the tests came back normal. There was nothing wrong with her except for the pain she experienced. And so Sheppard left her each time with heavy heart to go on a next mission.
***
The first touch was more than magical. It sent sparkles up the air when one ancient console started to shine so brightly that it finally blew up. Sheppard protected her from the flying bits with his body and ushered her out of the door. They were still holding hands when Mirkwood noticed that and excused herself and asked him to let go. Sheppard was still a bit stunned and didn’t notice her discomfort.

“You…” she whispered in rising panic, “You are a natural ATA-genes carrier.”

“Uh, what?” asked Sheppard as he stirred from the haze. Mirkwood was staring at him with fear and sadness in her eyes.

“I have to go,” she said and slipped from his grasp.
***
Major Mirkwood swam to consciousness and opened her hollow eyes. She was not screaming from pain but she started to shiver. She was not completely awake. Some parts of her were still sleeping but she recognized the place where she was. A medical department… but not Wraith’s… Atlantis.

She was home but with her had something else too returned to Atlantis. Mirkwood felt it squirm inside her, burn her insides and make her see all the horrible things from her past. It was the pain of the rebirth.

She had a soul to take and a heart to break.

How it had happened, she had no idea. Being soulless and heartless was the curse of his father and he had passed it on to her but the Hivequeen had somehow broken that curse. She had used Sheppard against her. She had used her feelings… She had feelings?

Mirkwood tried to calm her newly born heart to stay still for a second when she was pondering over that issue. How had that happened? She had been so careful around him. Her soul was doing summersaults when she had figured out that she really might be in love with him and he was not just a fling as she had let herself think.

“And how are you doing today, Major?” asked merry Doctor Beckett and stepped closer while reading the charts of her new tests. He then looked at her and gasped when saw that she was awake.

“Not good,” said Mirkwood grimly. Beckett huffed and started the ode to the wonderful life and so on. She wasn’t paying attention when Sheppard walked in and asked almost the same question. Mirkwood wondered for a second if she should say anything to him. He was guilty in her condition but figured not to upset him even more.

“I’m good. I’m ready to go after Sampo again,” she said and forced a smile upon her face. Sheppard watched her closely and squinted his eyes when he said that she was lying.

“Am not!” barked Mirkwood and was ready to prove herself to him when Beckett cut in and said she needed to rest.
***
Major Mirkwood had been avoiding everyone who carried the ATA-genes naturally or with gene therapy. There were so many of them that most of the time she felt like cornered into a very tight spot.

One night after so many disappointing outcomes, she sat in the highest tower and looked over the ocean. The first Sampo had been lost to the sea and she wondered what would happen if she lost herself to the sea. She wanted to find out but before she could climb over the railing of the balcony, she heard Sheppard calling her name. Her given name.

“Ilmatar!”

She turned around and saw him. He had a shy smile on his face when he approached her and Mirkwood ignored the puppy eyes looking at her with hope. She just couldn’t mess with him. He was only acting this way because of the Ancient genes that made him draw to her. It was nothing more than a chemical reaction in his brain and she just couldn’t give into him only to hurt him afterwards.

“John?” she asked using his first name like he had done.

“I, uh, I thought I explained you the running route,” he said and reminded her that she had agreed to go running with him but had disappeared when she had used some shortcuts.

“Yeah, you did but I just wanted to see the view,” she said and added quietly, “of the end of my life.”
***
Doctor Weir hadn’t visited Major Mirkwood in the Infirmary but she was well informed that Mirkwood was good to go. Sheppard was trying to convince her otherwise but Doctor Weir didn’t listen to him. She let Mirkwood go on the mission.

“You can’t!” screamed Sheppard at Weir.

“Colonel John Sheppard,” scolded Weir angrily, “I can not stop her from going after the Sampo. It’s her sole meaning here. That is why she even came to Atlantis and I can’t stop her if she is good to go.”

“But…”

“No, John. She will go, she has to go and you can’t do nothing about it.”

“She could get killed out there!”

“You all could get killed out there and I don’t have to remind you how many times I have feared that you will never return in one piece.”

“Yes, but…”

“John, let her go. It’s her job.”

“Argh!”
***
For weeks and weeks Sheppard had pursued her with little things. He himself wasn’t sure why he did so but getting under her skin was his new hobby. The more he tried, the more she moved away from him with the sadness she no longer was able to conceal. McKay suggested leaving her alone for some time and doing something else than drool after her.

“I can see why you like her,” said McKay and set his golf ball on a pin, “Mirkwood is so incredibly unreachable and you like challenges. But in my mind she is just too scary.”

“She’s not scary,” drawled Sheppard and watched him swing the club and sending the tiny white ball far into the ocean. “She’s just… afraid to commit. Yeah, that’s it.”

“She’s afraid to fool around with a guy? Jeez! She is killing Wraiths like flies! Such a bad ass and you say she is actually afraid of something?!”

“Well, I’m not saying that, Heightmeyer is saying that.”

“Aaaaah, that really says all, doesn’t it?”

“Mm, yeah, something like that,” said Sheppard and reached down to the basket and took a ball. He set it on the pin and hit it with the club as hard as he could. He followed the flying ball with his eyes when suddenly something else fell into the water.

“What the hell?!” yelled McKay and ran next to him to look down. Sheppard looked up to the tower and cursed under the breath.

“Mirkwood!” he screamed and threw the club over his shoulder as he dived into the water.
***
“Ilmatar!” shouted Sheppard as he ran into the Gateroom and ordered to stop dialing the Gate.

“What the hell do you think you are doing, Sheppard?!” shouted Mirkwood back at him and told his men to stay put. She walked up to Sheppard and glared at him in the eye.

“You can’t go,” whispered Sheppard.

“Why not?”

“You could get killed.”

“Anyone could get killed.”

“No, not just anyone. Only you. Ilmatar, you are no longer invincible,” he said calmly and put his hands on her shoulders and pulled her closer to him. She was reluctant to budge.

“I know why no Wraith could feed on you,” he murmured and forgot that in the Gateroom were other people too, “You were hollow inside.”

Her eyes welled up in tears but she didn’t let them spill.

“And you filled me, John,” she said, “You gave me a heart and a soul I never knew I had.”

“I… I ah, I’m glad I did that but I’m also sorry for that. I have made you vulnerable in front of the Wraith. They can feed on you now,” he whispered and looked deep in her eyes.

“How do you know?”

“You were sparring with Teyla and you were talking about Sampo and you said that next time Wraith come, they’d finish you off in a pile of dust.”

“Ah. You figured that out,” she murmured, “John, I have to go. Dial the Gate!”

“No, please. Let me go. Let me bring back Sampo for you.”

“Bye John.”