Past, Present and Future

“How long have you loved him?” Cassidy jerked at the question. Her and Inara were sharing tea at the kitchen table and she felt like the question had come out of nowhere. She couldn’t pretend to be surprised, she knew she couldn’t hide something like that from Inara, but it was one thing she wanted to ignore for a little bit more.

“Love? What makes you think I love him?”

“Because when you first came to this ship you looked like you had no hope for anything and yet when you’re around him I see light come into your eyes even when you’re arguing. Because you move close to him when someone forces you to remember something you don’t want to and because you spent so long trying to protect him from the people that hurt you.”

“Well then I guess an honest answer to your question: for longer than I can rightly remember, but I’m not sure if love is the right word for it, I mean can someone like me love anymore?”

“Oh everyone can love Cassidy and everyone’s confused by it at the same time so that shouldn’t be what’s bothering you…or holding you back.”

Cassidy looked Inara in the face and saw compassion in her gaze. “It’s just…he seems like a hard man to even like sometimes but in many ways he has been my one constant and I don’t know where I would be today if it wasn’t for him.”

Inara put her arms around Cassidy trying to offer some comfort, “I believe that there are people that work so well together that they sometimes make it difficult for themselves just because if they didn’t it would be too easy.”

“Like you and Captain Reynolds.” Cassidy knew that she was on touchy ground but she wasn’t the only one having problems with the man who held possession of her heart.

Inara’s hand stilled on Cassidys head and decided to be honest, “Something like that, but whereas I believe you and Jayne will make it eventually I do not think it’s possible in my situation.”

“Ha! Mal wants you and while I don’t blame Jayne for wanting someone else I know that that is how it is. I just wish things weren’t so complicated.”

Inara chose to let the Mal topic drop, “Why do you think he wants someone else?”

“I knew him when he was young, hell even when we lived in the same house he had some semblance of happiness…but now he’s so different. I know he’s mad at what they did to me—what man wants a woman that’s been with other men like that?”

“With that logic then I don’t see how you can believe anyone can possibly want me, especially Malcolm Reynolds.”

“That’s completely different! What you do is exotic and beautiful, nothing at all like what I have known. I wouldn’t know the first thing about pleasing a man.”

Now Inara was more than confused, “You don’t think you pleased him when you were married?”

“How could I have? The closest thing we got to was a kiss and that was only once.” It was odd sharing information with someone for the first time. Their kiss hadn’t been a secret but so much had happened that she never had anyone to talk to like this. It was a kiss that held her sane in some of her darker moments even with the tinge of sadness, but that was a memory for another time.

The companion knew she was putting pieces together but she didn’t quite know to what yet. At least her information explained Jaynes sexual ‘freedom’, but that just added more questions, “Wait he kissed you on the lips?”

“Of course, where else would he kiss me?” Cassidy knew it was a stupid question the second she saw Inaras eyes grow wide. Well she couldn’t help her inexperience in matters like that…as much as she wished otherwise.

“I’m sure one day you’ll know.” Seeing Cassidys doubting expression made her push on, “because of what happened to you, you think Jayne keeps his distance?”

“It’s reasonable,” Cassidy replied to defend her stance.

“Oh Cassidy…listen, even I have noticed Jaynes sometimes distant behavior towards you but considering its Jayne who is rarely anything but detached, in this case he is clearly involved. Either way, I can guarantee it isn’t because he thinks at all low of you.”

“I don’t understand, what else could it be?”

“Jayne blames himself for what happened to you, he saw himself as your protector and in every definition of the word he feels like he has failed you.”

“That’s ridiculous, the only reason Evan and I are even alive is because of him.”

“Let me tell you what’s ridiculous: the two of you. You believe he is mad at you because of what you were forced to do and he believes you’re mad at him for failing you when in reality what you both want is each other. It is as simple as that.”

“I wish I could believe anything is as simple as that.”

“Then answer me this Cassidy, why would a man, who you think isn’t at all interested in you, kiss you on the lips and not any of the other women he has been with?” At the hurt expression Inara realized too late that Cassidy might not have known about Jaynes activities and tried to apologize, “I’m sorry I didn’t realize…”

Of course Cassidy knew Jayne would be with other women but most of the hurt came from the fact that she had pushed him away and that he had shared what Inara had called ‘an act of love’ with other women. Even though Cassidy knew that the act could be otherwise, she was jealous of something she had never had, and then she remembered something, “why wouldn’t he kiss them on the lips?”

When Inara saw her expression change she wanted to make up for her mistake by adding reassurance, “my bet is that it is because he loves you and not them.”

“We both know that Jayne isn’t that romantic,” Cassidy shared a smile with Inara over the thought.

“Maybe he’ll surprise us both then.”